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16

GERDA (reading in a loud voice in front of the mirror in her room at school)

‘Crimes By Mum

1) Sending me away to school

(Though I admit I was bored at home. But only because she goes out so much.)

2) Bad cooking. One day I’ll be a BRILLIANT cook

3) Forgetting to buy chocolate logs

4) Going on about cleaning your teeth

5) Going on about Dad, even if it’s his fault. Breaking up with Dad, who is my dad after all, and it would be convenient to have two parents. In the same house. Or at least talking to each other.

Why didn’t they think about that? And me?

6) Not realising I am a Genius

7) Obeying the rule about phones. Amina Sharif’s mother didn’t. Of course she is a Princess.

8) Not getting me a better phone

9) Having boyfriends –YUCK – and disgusting ones

10) I’m sure she does. Yuck Yuck Yuck

11) Going on about HER in general

12) Talking though I told her not to

13) Taking back the one jacket of hers I would EVER borrow, and refusing to lend it again just because it had a teeny bit of sick on the pocket – doesn’t she want me to look nice?

14) NOT READING MY EMAILS PROPERLY’

I think when I read this to her at home, I shall deliver Point 14 in a deafening shout, because she will have stopped listening by then.

–When is my mother coming home again?