Читать книгу Raising Cooperative Kids - Marion S. Forgatch - Страница 15

Let's take an item on one parent's wish list. A mother wants her three-year-old to stop grabbing for things and instead politely ask to share. She starts by showing her how to do it using several small steps.

Mom (cuddling a teddy bear): Let's pretend we're playing and you want me to share Teddy with you. Remember how to ask to share, sweetheart?

Jill: Gimme Teddy?

Mom: That's right. You ask. And do you remember the magic word?

Jill: Please gimme Teddy?

Mom (giving her the teddy): Much better. Now I'm going to ask you to share. Jill, may I have Teddy back now please?

Jill: But I just got her.

Mom (smiling reassuringly): We're just practicing, honey. May I have Teddy now, please? (pleasantly waiting)

Jill: Okay. Can I have her back?

Mom: Sure. Remember how to ask?

Jill: Can I have Teddy back . . . please?

Mom (clapping): You've got it!

This is an example of modeling and shaping sharing behavior, almost as you would shape a block of clay. Mom started with the raw material and, through a series of small steps, she showed Jill how to behave. She did not require perfection. Although Jill's “Please gimme Teddy” wasn't the height of politeness, it was better than her first demand. Rather than correcting her, Mom praised her for adding the “please” and then modeled a slightly improved version. When Jill complained, Mom simply reminded her they were practicing and restated her request to share. Practice and patience allow you to teach your children the many things they have to learn on the road to growing up. Very few three-year-olds will suddenly begin sharing without guidance, thanks to the more hard-wired coercive nature we discussed earlier.

Take a look at your list of short-term goals and pick one that you would like to start working on in the coming weeks. Be hopeful, yet realistic. For openers, start with a goal that will build on strengths your children already possess. So, if you want one of your children to become more responsible, consider ways in which that child already demonstrates responsibility—perhaps remembering to feed and water the dog regularly. Can you think of things that prompt that behavior consistently? Does the dog give cues? Is there a routine around caring for the dog before breakfast and dinner? Now think of something you'd like done better—something the child already does sometimes, but not reliably. Is there a way to incorporate cues that can help? Or can you help by building in a routine? This is one way you can use your children's existing strengths to add new responsibilities to their repertoire.

Goal statements should be simultaneously ambitious and realistic. They should reach slightly beyond wherever your child is right now. When you teach responsibility, you have to break that goal into steps. Teach your child to be successful in one arena and then generalize it to another—and another—and another. One step at a time; one goal at a time. As your simple goals are accomplished, you can design goal statements for steps further along in the process of achieving your long-term goal. Eventually, responsibility will become second nature and help guide most of your children's behaviors.

The problem for many parents is that they wait until they are near desperation before seeking help. Then they want a quick solution. As you know, there are no simple fixes for the complexities of raising children. A counselor who barely knows you or your family cannot and should not tell you what to do. He or she can only introduce you to tools (hopefully ones that work) and show you how to apply them. As parents, you are the architects. You are in charge of designing your life according to your personal values. You'll be successful if you build on the strengths you and your family already have and plan how to achieve your goals.