Читать книгу Raising Cooperative Kids - Marion S. Forgatch - Страница 22

 Use good timing.

 Get physically close.

 Make contact (eye contact and/or physical contact).

 Use a pleasant tone of voice and facial expression.

 Give one direction at a time.

 Make a statement—don't ask.

 Be specific.

 Say what to do.

 Use the child's name.

 Say: “Name, do (behavior) now, please.” (e.g., “Isabelle, come to the table, now please”). Use few words.

 Start with behaviors that take less than two minutes.

 Stand and hold silently (with a neutral to positive expression).

This last point, stand and hold, requires that you remain close to your child after you deliver your direction and wait silently for their response. Parents say this is hard to do, especially maintaining a neutral facial expression while silently waiting. Try it and you will see how powerful your quiet presence can be. If you deliver your direction and walk away, you send the message that you may not expect immediate compliance.

Integrating these elements into the directions you give your children can produce amazing results—at least at first. The reward for the parent is compliance. It will come as no surprise that children who learn to follow their parents' directions at an early age also tend to be socially successful with peers, teachers, and others in the community.

We are all guilty of reacting irritably, especially when stressed. Hostility, frustration, and anger are hallmarks of coercion. When you are upset and give these feelings free rein, promoting cooperation is virtually impossible. In stressful circumstances, calm down and ask yourself a few questions: What is my goal here? What do I really want? Do I just want to show my children how angry I am? Or do I want them to follow my direction? If your goal is simply to express irritability, let it rip. And then prepare for the aftermath.

Here's an example that illustrates this point.

You come home from work tired, walk in the door, and there in the middle of the doorway lies an expensive jacket. Your immediate reaction is to lash out, and the one who happens to be there is the person who left the jacket. Do you give your beloved child a pleasant greeting? Or do you shout out: “What is that jacket doing in the middle of the floor? Do you know how much that cost? How many times do I have to tell you—hang your jacket in the closet!” Does your child—does any child—respond by quickly jumping up and hanging up the jacket, then giving you a smile and a big hug? Have you set the tone for a pleasant evening with your family? Probably not. Instead, the combination of jacket and shouts generates a flow of negative reverberations like the ripples created when tossing a stone into a calm pool of water. When it comes to telling your child to carry out this simple task, you tend to be irritated because the jacket should not have been in the middle of the floor in the first place.

Let's rewind and consider another way to deal with the jacket.

On the way home from a stressful day at work, you are thinking about how nice it will be to have a pleasant evening with your family. You come into the house, your arms full, and you see your child's jacket lying in a heap on the floor. Your child is slouched on the couch playing a video game. Of course you are irritated! However, you really would like to have a pleasant evening with your family. Your immediate reaction is to lash out. Try using the enhanced steps for giving clear directions below to design an alternative response that will set the stage for cooperation.