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Here are some common responses from parents who have tried our strategies for setting goals and giving clear directions.

 I was surprised to find such a strong connection between my directions and my child's behavior. The assignment to keep track of how you give directions and how your children comply teaches you more than words in a book.

 The instructions for giving clear directions works as well with my three-year-old as it does with my teenager! Giving clear directions works well for any age group. Teenagers can become rather touchy, so you may want to avoid physical contact, but proximity and pleasant eye contact are good alternatives. On the other hand, physical touch may be necessary to get a young child's attention. The silent stand and hold is often startling to teens and tweens who have learned the pleasure of a good argument. And by the way, this technique works with adults, too.

 Instead of shouting out a command, I'm actually staying calm, walking up to him, and telling him to do something calmly. Parents feel better about themselves when they regulate their emotions and tell their children what they want—especially when that extra effort has such a good effect on their children's cooperation.

 I don't have the time . . . How much time is spent arguing when your directions are not followed?

 I shouldn't have to be so careful. They should just do what I tell them, no matter how I tell them. If your children follow your directions regularly, you don't need this technique. You and your children have already mastered this phase of the art of cooperation. If, however, compliance is a regular problem, strengthen your strategies by giving clear directions.

 I get so upset when . . . and therefore I can't, won't, don't . . . Yes, as human beings, we get upset, and then we are not at our best. You may have to change your own behavior to set your children up for success. This is the first law of family cooperation.

 I thought you were supposed to give children rationales. Rationales are important. But discussing the reasons why children should put their toys away, help each other, or come to the dinner table are most effective when they take place on separate occasions. Do you really need to explain why it's important to shut the door or turn down the TV? Such verbiage is likely to end up as distraction at best or an argument at worst. If you don't believe this, try alternating using the clear direction technique with a direction that includes a lengthy rationale. Which works better?

 I shouldn't have to say “please.” Teaching children to use the words “please” and “thank you” begins with parents modeling the way to behave. Sometimes, parents prefer to communicate the essence of “please” through the manner in which they deliver the direction. For example, they may give the direction along with an endearment, such as “sweetie” or “honey.”

 Why should I say “now”? Some parents feel that saying “now” is dictatorial or authoritarian. Your nonverbal communication can make all the difference in the world. Since you are going to stand and hold until your children begin to comply, you probably want them to get started right away. A reasonable time to wait for a “now” direction is ten seconds. If you think about it, ten seconds is a long time to stand and hold. Try it. At the same time, ten seconds gives your child a chance to recognize that you mean business, and you haven't left the scene of the action. You can give your children a signal that a direction will be coming: “Five minutes until dinner time!” But when you want your children to come to the dinner table, use all the elements of the clear direction technique.

 I don't like to track things with charts. Try it out for just a couple of days and determine whether it's worth your while.

 What do I do when I give a perfectly clear direction and it has no effect? Don't be alarmed. This is true for many families. In the coming chapters, we'll introduce ways to strengthen the power of your directions.

 Why do you say “directions” instead of “requests” or “commands”? We started using the word “direction” because of parents' reactions to the words “command” and “request.” Many parents feel that “command” is too authoritarian. “Request,” on the other hand, suggests that the child has a choice when choice is not intended. When shoes are in the middle of the floor and you want them picked up right away, you are not asking for a favor or providing choice. You are polite. You are clear. You are reasonable. You give a clear direction, and you expect your child to follow your direction—now, please.

 If I tell him to put something in his room, but I don't say where, who am I to get mad? He did what I told him to do. Yes, telling children exactly what you want them to do sets them up to be successful.

 I used to demand things from my children, not use good manners myself. Some parents feel that respect should be a one-way street—children show respect to parents, not the other way around. But how do children learn to show respect unless they experience it from their parents?

 After a while, I didn't feel as if I needed to continue doing the “now, please” routine. Now I only do it when I feel as if they're not really focusing or paying attention. When your children become accustomed to the direction/cooperation routine, you can relax use of the word “now.” If compliance is a problem in your home, however, stick to the technique.