Читать книгу Raising Cooperative Kids - Marion S. Forgatch - Страница 28

Guilt trips are a tool that we all resort to from time to time. We try to combine a good direction with a morality lesson. Unfortunately, most kids seem to have the natural instincts of litigators: they ignore the direction, which is the point at hand, and find endlessly creative ways to argue the moral issue. Guilt trips seldom elicit quick compliance from anyone, especially children.

Mom: “Ryan, I just tripped over your backpack and nearly fell down! Somebody's going to break their neck falling over the stuff you leave in the middle of the floor. You never think of anyone but yourself. Don't you realize that other people live in this house? Do you even care? What if I hurt myself? Then who would take care of everything? Who would feed you? Do your laundry? Run the errands? You have to pitch in around here. The least you can do is to put your stuff away. I'm not your servant.”

• • •

Maybe Mom feels she has done her job by giving her mini-lecture. Maybe she even thinks her son is absorbing the lesson, thinking his mom is right and he should do better. What do you think? Will Ryan jump up and pleasantly put his backpack away? Let's rewind that scene and use the clear directions technique.

Mom trips on Ryan's backpack. She calms herself with some deep breaths and asks herself what her immediate goal is—what does she want Ryan to do right now? She reminds herself to start out by saying something nice, then walks over to Ryan and smiles: “Hey, Ryan! You're home right on time today! Good work!”

Ryan: “I'm trying.”

Mom: “I noticed that, and I appreciate it.” She takes another deep breath and remembers her simple formula: Name, do X now, please. “Ryan, put your backpack in your room now, please.” Then she calmly stands and silently holds.

Ryan: “I'll do it in a minute, Mom.”

Mom silently waits ten seconds, then says: “Ryan, put your backpack in your room now, please.” She continues standing, with same positive expression.

Ryan: “But Mooooommmmmmmmmmmmmm . . . Why are you standing there?”

Mom silently continues standing with a pleasant, but firm, expression.

Ryan sighs and gets up: “Oh, okay.” He takes the backpack to his room.

Mom: “Thanks honey. You're a good guy.”

• • •

The stand-and-hold element in giving clear directions can be difficult, but as we mentioned above, it has an astonishing effect. Notice that Ryan asked why his mom was continuing to stand there. Think of that as a rhetorical question—no answer is required. For most parents, this step takes the most practice. Many children grow uncomfortable when their parents stand in their space quietly waiting for them to comply. When they ask why you're standing there, the best response is no response. Simply continue to stand, silently counting out the ten seconds of your hold. When you reach ten, repeat the direction calmly and pleasantly. Whatever you do, don't be drawn into a discussion, argument, or explanation. Hold your silent ground. Whether or not you maintain eye contact depends on you and your child and the situation. Sometimes eye contact is the right thing to do. At other times it may be the worst thing to do. If stand and hold is challenging for you, practice with your partner or a friend.