Читать книгу Raising Cooperative Kids - Marion S. Forgatch - Страница 32

We've been talking about ways to encourage compliance with your directions: get close, make contact, and be pleasant. Now let's talk about when you give directions. Even though we know it's not best to give directions in the midst of a TV action sequence or while children are playing a game, we do it anyway. Of course, sometimes we have to interrupt. But it helps to promote a cooperative spirit when you take a strategic approach and wait for a time that has a better chance of catching your child's attention. Take a look at the following list and check the times you think are good for giving your child a direction. Would your child agree with you?

  During an argument

  When you and your child are in good mood

  When your child is in a hurry

  When you are in a hurry

  When your child's friends are present

  When your mother-in-law is visiting

  In the midst of a tantrum

  When things are calm

  When you are motivated to follow the technique for clear directions

The goal is to engage your children in a positive way, one that increases the likelihood of their cooperation. Stop whatever you are doing and give them your full attention. Tried and true ways to get attention include combining several of the strategies for giving clear directions—opening with a positive comment, getting physically close, making physical and/or eye contact, and speaking your child's name. Starting out with a positive comment enhances the context for cooperation. Sometimes, it's enough to start with a simple: “Hey! What's happening?” It is usually worth the extra effort to listen to their answer. Saying your child's name adds to engagement. Most children respond well to touch that is gentle and nonthreatening. You can touch a shoulder, an arm, a back, or a knee. For children who don't like to be touched, simply enter their physical space, speak their name, and make eye contact. With young children, it helps to bend down and look directly at their faces at eye level.

Considering what we've just learned, let's take another look at the lunchtime scene with Kayla and Isabelle. If Kayla applies the clear directions technique, the outcome will be considerably more pleasant.

Kayla is preparing lunch and wants Isabelle to come to the kitchen. The first thing Kayla does is to walk into the living room. She squats down next to Isabelle, touches her gently on the shoulder, and with a smile says: “Izzy, it's time for lunch. Come to the kitchen now, please.”

Isabelle: “No. Why?”

Kayla doesn't react and instead patiently waits with a calm expression on her face. Isabelle looks at her, squirms and whines: “But why?”

Again, without a word, Kayla stands up, maintaining eye contact. In a gentle but firm voice she repeats: “Izzy, come to the kitchen for lunch now, please.” Kayla stands calmly, counting to ten under her breath.

Isabelle looks up at her mom. She likes the feeling of her hand on her shoulder and is surprised that her mom isn't angry. She wants to argue some more but, taken off guard by her mom's behavior, she forgets what she was arguing about. She furrows her little brow and tries to think. Mommy said please come to the kitchen. Mommy told her before that people say please when they are being nice. She smiles and puts down the iPad. She takes her mom's hand and walks to the kitchen.

• • •

Kayla ensured Isabelle's cooperation by including all the strategies for giving clear directions. First, she made pleasant physical contact with Isabelle to get her attention. Then her brief, clear words told Izzy exactly what to do: Come to the kitchen now, please. Isabelle (or anyone!) would find it hard to ignore a direction given in this manner. The word “please” modeled the kind of polite behavior Kayla wants Isabelle to emulate. Kayla waited patiently and silently, giving Isabelle the opportunity to respond. The hard part, which requires a fair amount of practice, was to resist answering Isabelle's “why” question. This favorite stalling tactic seldom ends with cooperation. Instead, Kayla controlled her emotions, pleasantly and silently held her ground, and then repeated the direction.