Читать книгу Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures - Mark Leigh - Страница 8

My name is Mark Leigh and I’m a sexual failure.

My reputation in the bedroom precedes me, which is why the publishers felt that, when it came to bad sex, I was the obvious Go-To Guy. When Is It In Yet? was commissioned, I felt a real sense of pride that my achievements (or rather, lack of them) haaeen recognised – not that I’ve been associated with most of the incidents here but because I can recognise a story about sexual failure when I see one. For the purposes of this book, sexual failure isn’t just confined to non-performance in the bedroom; it’s any act of a sexual nature that didn’t quite go according to plan or where any consequences were ignored. However, even I – and my litany of bad experiences and subsequent apologetic texts – was not prepared for some of the incidents I unearthed.

Like the so-called Swiss Cheese Pervert who exposed himself with pieces of Swiss cheese wrapped around his penis, the man who had sex with a stuffed toy in a busy supermarket, the man who could only climax when hit in the face with a pie or the couple that decided to have sex on a train track… with inevitable results.

Now, you’ve probably spotted a pattern emerging here. Most of the incidents involve men acting alone. If there’s an object to be inserted where it shouldn’t, or if there’s something irresponsibly dangerous to rub your groin against, you can guarantee a man did it.

Why? Is it due to a sense of boredom or a taste for adventure? There are men and women far better trained than me to make that judgement. My role is just to act as curator for these stories.

And there’s the rub (sometimes quite literally): which stories to use and which to leave out.

After sifting through thousands of news reports, I decided that, to merit inclusion, the incidents should be bizarre and amusing and, therefore, entertaining. And that’s when it came down to a question of taste.

Having someone die from a heart attack during sex isn’t inherently funny. Having someone die from a heart attack and trapping his partner underneath them for four days is (well, I think it is). Then there’s flashing. It’s a criminal offence and can be quite traumatic to victims but, when a flasher falls out of a first-floor window after dropping his trousers and pants and saying, ‘Who wants some of this?’ it just has to go in.

One thing that did surprise me in my research was the sheer inventiveness some people went to in order to achieve sexual pleasure. And when I say inventiveness, I really mean reckless disregard of consequences.

So sit back, kick off your shoes, cross your legs and get ready for some of the most deviant, dumb and, quite frankly, disturbing stories of bad sex.

It’s enough to make you celibate.

Mark Leigh

Surrey, England 2015