Читать книгу Is It In Yet? The Big Book of Sexual Failures - Mark Leigh - Страница 9

Whoever thought that a night of steamy passion would end with a couple being struck by lightning, someone being shot in the head or inadvertently super-gluing their own hand to their penis? As they say, even the best laid plans…

In 2013 a couple in the Chinese city of Wuhan decided to have sex against the glass window of their apartment. So energetic was the act that the window gave way, sending the couple to their death on the pavement below while still locked together.

A church official who presented himself to his local ER told staff on duty that his accident had occurred when we was hanging curtains at home. He decided to do this naked but, in the process, slipped off this ladder and fell right on to a potato…

Church organist Ian Kemp, forty-eight, from Teeside was found dead, naked, sealed in a large plastic bag with his legs bound at the shins by parcel tape and his wrists tied together with a silver chain. A vacuum cleaner had removed all the air from the bag. A spokesman for the Hardwick Baptist Church said Mr Kemp was a ‘self-taught amateur’, although it was not clear whether this comment referred to his organ playing or his apparent deviant tendencies.

Renowned American jazz trumpeter Jo ‘Pootie’ Newman was very fond of the ladies and, at the age of sixty-six, had surgery for a penile implant so he could maintain an erection. Unfortunately, the operation was unsuccessful and, on several occasions, a build-up of excess pressure caused the implant to explode and cause internal bleeding. One such incident occurred in a crowded restaurant. Mr Newman tragically died three years later from a blood clot on the brain.

In 2001 a man visited the emergency room of a small rural hospital in Ohio, presenting an injured penis. The doctor examining him saw that, although it wasn’t bleeding, there was an ‘appalling mid-shaft gash going at least halfway through.’ The patient explained that he’d sustained the injury because he’d ‘tried to make a horse do something she didn’t want to do’ and was bitten in the process.

A man presented himself to a Chicago hospital ER in July 2014 with his own hand super-glued to his penis: the result of a rather comical accident. It seems the patient was repairing a bedside lamp earlier that day and left the tube of glue next to it. That night he and his wife decided to have sex and he reached for what he thought was a tube of lubricant… you know what happened next.

Doctor Matthew Valente, who dealt with the case, commented, ‘There wasn’t just a small amount of glue. It wasn’t just one finger. It was, in fact, his entire palm and all his fingers, which were tightly affixed to his genitals.’

Fortunately, the glue was dissolved with minimal damage to both hand and penis.

A man became suspicious that something was not quite right when he heard a vacuum cleaner running continuously in the trailer home next to his. On entering the premises, he found his fifty-seven-year-old male neighbour dead, naked and slumped over a vacuum cleaner, which had been fitted with a powered carpet-cleaning attachment. Rather than get his pleasure from the sucking power from the device, the victim had been pressing his body against the motor. It was found that the areas of his body that had been in direct contact with the motor showed burn marks and that his testicles and buttocks had been tightly bound by a woman’s tights. If that sight wasn’t odd enough, the following items were found on the dining table: jars of lubricant, a glass of urine and a wooden table leg covered in faecal matter. It was determined that the victim had died from a heart attack.

General Sani Abacha was Nigeria’s military head of state from 1993–98 who led one of the most brutal regimes the country had ever experienced. It was known that he had a number of concubines and, on the night of 8 June 1998, he commented to a few of his aides that he was ‘in the mood for having a long sexual experience.’ A number of women were brought to his room about midnight but, by the morning, Abacha was dead; thought to be a victim of that most deadly of combinations: a Viagra-fuelled orgy and a weak heart.

The body of Terrence Simmonds, a forty-nine-year-old from Oxford, was discovered in a home-made cocoon made of plastic bin liners. In what seemed to be a solo sex game, he’d used a vacuum cleaner to suck some of the air out of the bags but had failed to turn it off. After all the air had been drawn out, he’d suffocated.

A forensic journal titled ‘Bizarre Impalement Fatalities: Where is the Implement?’ published by the University of Münster, Germany included a case of a man who liked to insert one leg of an upturned wooden stool up his anus for sexual stimulation. One day he lost his balance and fell on to it, driving the leg all the way up to his diaphragm and rupturing his bladder and liver in the process. Before their examination, coroners were, at first, mystified as to the cause of death; there was no apparent murder weapon and there were no external injuries. Later it was discovered that, just before he died, the man had managed to remove himself from the furniture and his wife had hidden the stool.

A fifty-three-year-old Chinese man known only as Lu was found dead, naked in a chicken coop at his home. Police found the computer in his bedroom still playing porn and determined that, aroused by the porn, he went into the coop to masturbate. A combination of the cold temperature outside and his elevated heart rate from masturbation led to a fatal heart attack (the reason why he decided to masturbate in the chicken coop remains unknown).

A young man and his girlfriend were staying at his grandmother’s and getting increasingly frustrated because they never had time alone. Eventually, the grandmother left the house to go shopping and the couple decided the time was right to have some fun. When looking for lubricant, they found the grandmother’s nitroglycerin paste, prescribed for her angina, and decided it would do the job. It didn’t. The paste caused their blood pressures to plummet and the grandmother returned to what was probably not the most treasured memory she has of the youngsters: unconscious and naked in her basement.

During sex, a New Zealand woman in her mid-forties was given a passionate love bite on her neck by her husband and found her left arm temporarily paralysed. Doctors found that the intense suction of the bite had caused bruising and a blood clot in an artery, which, in turn, had caused the woman to have a minor stroke.

An Australian woman was having very energetic sex in her hotel room when the vibrations from the bed rocking caused the ceiling light fitting to work loose and fall on her head, injuring her face and mouth. Instead of complaining to the hotel management, the woman tried, unsuccessfully, to sue her employers for physical and psychological damage. Her rationale was that the intercourse-related incident took place during a business trip.

In 2009 an unidentified Maryland couple were engaging in foreplay but the dildo they were using just wasn’t stimulating enough. They decided they needed something a bit more vigorous, so their solution was to attach it to the blade of an electric saw, hoping the rapid in/out movement of the saw blade (and, therefore, the dildo) would have the desired effect.

You can guess what happened… The saw blade cut through the plastic dildo and the woman was rushed to hospital because of her injuries. Police decided not to press any charges, after concluding that the injury was a result of ‘a consensual act between two parties and [that] no crime was committed.’

A nineteen-year-old cleaner was found dead and naked next to an electric floor polisher. While working, he’d been rubbing his naked groin against the machine to enjoy the vibrations. An inspection of the machine revealed that the polisher had been incorrectly earthed and that he’d been electrocuted.

An over-zealous man in China was kissing his girlfriend so vigorously that he reduced the air pressure in her mouth to such a degree that she ruptured her eardrum. A report in the China Daily gravely commented, ‘While kissing is normally very safe, doctors advise people to proceed with caution.’

An unnamed young Indian woman eventually visited her doctor after suffering a serious cough, runny nose and fever for over six months. No medication seemed to help and, fearing something much more serious, the patient was sent for an X-ray. This revealed a condom stuck in one of her lungs. Apparently, she’d accidentally inhaled it while performing oral sex without actually realising.

Two Polish seventeen-year-olds, Beata and Kamil, were forbidden by their parents from marrying so, inspired by Romeo and Juliet, decided it would be better to live for eternity in death, rather than be separated in life. In April 1999 they went to a chemist to buy strong sleeping tablets but the pharmacist became suspicious and, instead, substituted these with laxative pills.

The couple booked into an economy room in a local hotel – a room without a toilet or bathroom – and took an overdose of what they assumed were the sleeping tablets before having passionate sex and then laying on the bed in each other’s arms. It wasn’t long before the laxative started to work. Having no toilet was one thing but the couple had no means to find another bathroom; as part of their plan, they had locked their room and thrown the key out of the window.

All they could do was scream for help; help that arrived too late.

The hotel manager had to fumigate the room afterwards and commented that the couple had found each other so disgusting afterwards that they called off their engagement.

A pre-med student and his date from the University of Arizona drove to a secluded spot on Mount Lemmon, overlooking the city of Tucson, to make out. They walked to an open knoll and, making a bed from their discarded clothes, started to have sex, failing to notice the heavy storm clouds and the low roll of thunder. Within moments, there was a blinding flash and a bolt of lightning found the highest point on the knoll – which happened to be the man’s backside. The heat of the bolt melted his condom, fusing him and his girlfriend together. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the man realised that, while he had survived the shock, albeit being in excruciating pain, his date hadn’t – she lay dead beneath him.

This realisation caused him to vomit over her face but things then got worse. Attracted by the smell, a bear made his way over to the two lovers and began licking semi-digested food from the girl’s face, before turning his attention to biting chunks from her face – just inches from the man’s. Satisfied, the bear then moved off. The couple weren’t discovered until the following morning, when a troop of hiking Girl Scouts came across them. Doctors called to the scene managed to separate the lovers. A hospital source was quoted as saying that, as a result of the lightning strike, the young man’s penis resembled a ‘small piece of cauliflower.’

Similar deaths have been reported where men have wrapped their penises in tin foil and then wired them to the mains. The result was not the ultimate orgasm they’d hoped for – just a painful death or, at best, permanent disfigurement.

An Illinois man, Bernie Carson, sued PT’s Show Club for $200,000 for emotional distress, mental anguish and indignity, after being injured by a stripper during her performance. He had a front-row seat and claimed that the girl deliberately battered him around the head and neck with her massive breasts, which weighed an estimated 40 lbs each. The victim said that the experience had left him, ‘bruised, confused, lacerated and sore.’

In a similar incident, in June 1998, Paul Shimkonis from Seminole, Florida sued the Diamond Dolls Club, claiming that being buffeted by stripper Tawny Peaks’s (not her real name) massive sixty-nine-inch HH bosom, caused him whiplash during his bachelor party. He stated, ‘The best way to describe it is like a concrete block hitting me in the forehead,’ and sued the club for $15,000 of damages for ‘bodily injury, disability, pain and suffering, disfigurement and mental anguish.’ Rather than pursue conventional legal proceedings, Shimkonis had his case heard on the TV show The People’s Court. He lost after the court heard that Ms Peaks’s breasts weighed just 2 lbs each – well below the weight of concrete blocks.

A Louisiana couple discovered that sex and guns don’t mix after one of them was shot in the head after an S&M session. It transpired that Rebecca Miller and Robert White had used the gun as part of their role-play but that Miller had accidentally shot her partner in the process. Local sheriff’s-department spokesman Tony Mancuso described the incident as an ‘accidental discharge of a firearm during consensual sexual activity.’ Miller was later charged with negligent homicide.

Forty-year-old Jimmy ‘The Beard’ Ferrozzo was assistant manager of The Condor Topless Club in San Francisco and, after closing time one night in November 1983, he decided to frolic with one of the dancers – twenty-three-year-old Teresa Hill – on top of the club’s grand piano. During their show of passion, a stray leg or arm accidentally knocked the button that raised the piano majestically into the air on a hydraulic lift – a popular gimmick used at the club. Ferrozzo died from asphyxiation when he was crushed between the piano and the ceiling, while the cushioning effects of his 220-lb body saved Hill, whose shouts the next morning alerted rescuers.

John Boyman, twenty-nine, of Erie, Pennsylvania, was visiting a local strip club, where he managed to get a table right at the front. He was having a good time, enjoying the antics of the club’s star performer, Cherri Blossom. She removed her bra but, to Mr Boyman’s disappointment, was wearing two small sequinned tassels over her nipples. Feeling short-changed, to Miss Blossom’s and everyone else’s surprise, he jumped on stage and attempted to remove the tassels with his teeth. His attempt on the first one was successful but, in his haste and excitement to remove the second, he swallowed it and choked to death.

A woman in Long Branch, New Jersey was hospitalised after performing a striptease for her boyfriend while seductively holding a shotgun. In the process, she accidentally shot one of her breasts.

In 2007 the naked bodies of two twenty-one-year-olds – Chelsea Tumbleston and Brent Tyler from Columbia, South Carolina – were found in the street early one morning by a passing cabbie. A police spokesman said, ‘The driver was stunned. It’s rather unusual to find two dead, naked people in the middle of the road.’ He said the deaths were being treated as a tragic accident, adding, ‘We believe they rolled off a roof while in the heat of passion.’

In an attempt to inject some excitement into her love-life, a German housewife decided to undress and then hide in the bedroom wardrobe, where she could surprise her husband. He was so surprised, in fact, that, when she jumped out of the wardrobe, he fell backwards through the bedroom door and stumbled down the hallway before falling backwards out of a window. He sustained serious but not life-threatening injuries.