Читать книгу The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five - Martha Sears - Страница 17

Needs change, but with Hayden her need level remained high. Hayden became a high-need toddler, then a high-need child, and we now tease her about being a “high-cost” teen. Her needs did not decrease as she grew; they merely changed (and so did our responses!)

Since as a baby Hayden did not willingly accept substitute care, we started something new in our town – we took our baby with us. With three older children, we had a lot of school meetings and events to attend, plus social gatherings with friends and hospital colleagues, sailing outings, church services, and so on. Everyone got used to seeing the three of us there.

Because she was breast-feeding, Martha could easily keep Hayden quiet when it was necessary. Usually, because her needs were satisfied, she was a joy to have around. No one objected to her presence. If it was obviously a “no kids” thing, we just didn’t go.

We thought things would change when Hayden became a toddler, but we were definitely still in attachment-parenting training. We discovered that Hayden could sometimes be left with our thirteen-year-old, Jim, for short times, because she was attached to him. But it didn’t always work. We’d sometimes get called home when Jim’s magic wore off too quickly. Hayden knew her level of tolerance for separation, and we learned not to exceed it.

One of our more vivid memories is that of frantic two-year-old Hayden running after us as we drove away. We stopped, even though we could see that Jim was right behind her, and reassessed our plans to go out alone. As we comforted her, listening carefully to her words and her expressions, we saw that her need to stay with us this time was much greater than our need to leave her behind. It was not hard for us to switch gears. Because of the way Hayden was able to communicate, we did not feel manipulated. The three of us set out together, feeling good about the way that we listened and were heard.

Yes, we occasionally felt a touch of doubt. “Are we creating an eternally dependent child who will never wean from us?” It’s easy to feel that way, because you can see only a short distance into the future. Yet deep down we knew that what we were doing was right. We understood why at age two she couldn’t stay in the nursery at church without one of us with her. When she still wouldn’t at age three, we were embarrassed. Then, lo and behold, at three and a half she happily waved good-bye and didn’t look back as she hurried off to her Sunday school class. What a relief to see her find her wings and experience church as a secure place to be because we had not forced her to be independent before she was ready. Hayden weaned from the breast at four years and from our bed at four and a half, when baby sister Erin arrived. (Of course, we shared these milestones with only a few, select friends. Most assumed Hayden had crossed those bridges long ago.)