Читать книгу The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting your high-need child from birth to five - Martha Sears - Страница 20

We had been used to three compliant kids. When we held their hands, they turned in the direction we wished. With Hayden, we knew compliance would not come easily. Our earliest clue was her body language. Whenever we tried to redirect her impulse, her whole body would stiffen in resistance. We tried to turn her toward a safer activity; she turned toward the street. She was trying on her power. Back to the drawing board for discipline. As Hayden grew, it remained clear that we couldn’t force our control over her – and should not try to. We needed to consider Hayden’s sensitivity in disciplining her. This became more obvious as she got older, and she indicated to us that she needed to be given an active part in her own discipline. Any time we operated solely from our point of view, discipline was a dismal failure.

Hayden as a toddler was a determined explorer, and many times we would have to match her persistence with our own calm determination to stay in charge. When she reached for the knobs on the stereo, for example, we would matter-of-factly remove her to another place in the room and distract her with another activity. We had to repeat this redirection at least fifty times before she got the point. But even when she was only one year old, we felt it was important for us to command her respect.

Hayden’s impulsiveness, we feared, would get her into trouble. She climbed up on furniture or counters only to realize she couldn’t get down. Our knee-jerk reaction, rushing in to interrupt her climbing, only fed her determination, and hovering over her anxiously in these predicaments was enough to make her worry and be less surefooted. So, instead of letting our faces reflect our anxiety, we showed confidence in her ability to climb. Hayden picked up on our confidence in her; she realized that we, too, felt that she could handle the situation. We structured the environment so it was safe to climb, and then assumed the role of spotters, being on standby to catch her if needed. The rest was up to her.

Sometimes it seemed wiser to under-react when Hayden was frustrated. As the first daughter, she was often being aggravated by her three older brothers. Yet we couldn’t be rescuing her each time, nor would we have wanted to, since a certain amount of frustration is necessary for healthy development. So she developed “spunk” very early. If Hayden came running to her in distress, Martha would calmly say to her, “Do you need my help?” Usually Hayden managed on her own, knowing Martha would intervene if the aggravation developed into teasing or harassment.

The older Hayden got and the more experienced we became, the more confident we were in saying no to her. We believed that because she was a solid and secure child she could handle being thwarted at times and not having her needs instantly gratified. After all, the persistent personality of a high-need child sets her up for frustration, so she’d better learn how to handle setbacks.