Читать книгу William Walker’s First Year of Marriage: A Horror Story - Matt Rudd - Страница 36

1 Darling. Traditional term of endearment between two partners. As in ‘I love you, darling’ or ‘I’m home, darling.’

2 Darling. Irritating term of endearment between two posh friends. As in, ‘Darling, you look simply super.’ ‘Thank you, darling. And you look simply radiant.’ Very irritating but not as irritating as ‘babes’, which Alex calls Isabel at every opportunity. ‘Hi babes, bye babes, love you, babes.’

3 Darling. Traditional start to an argument between two married persons. As in ‘Darling, there’s something wrong with the tea.’

‘It’s got goat’s milk in it. You can’t taste the difference.’

‘I can taste the difference.’

‘You can’t. It tastes exactly the same.’

‘If it tastes exactly the same, why would we be having this conversation?’

‘We’re not having cow’s milk any more. It’s hard to digest.’

‘What?’

‘Cow’s milk is designed for calves.’

‘We’re not goats either.’

‘What?’

‘We’re not goats. We’re humans.’

‘Look, goat’s milk is much better for you.’

‘But goat’s milk tastes like cat spray.’

‘You should try drinking tea without sugar as well. It’s bad for you.’

‘What?’

In our wedding vows, we had both promised to honour, love and obey each other. At the time, it seemed like a good idea. We’re a modern couple. We were both up for a bit of obeying. Rather sexist if it was only Isabel who said it. The vicar, in one of his compulsory marriage classes, had explained that obeying in a marital context didn’t mean doing what someone said anyway. Oh no, no, no, no. It followed its original Latin meaning, ‘to listen’, as in ‘to empathise’, as in ‘to be lovely to each other all the time’. Which seemed to have slipped Isabel’s mind this morning.

‘But I like sugar in my tea.’

‘You’ll get used to it without. It’s only because I love you, and care about your health, darling.’

And with a gentle pat of the bed linen, she signified that this discussion was over. Henceforth, tea shall be taken with goat’s milk but without sugar. So speaketh the wife.

Feeling quite put upon, I ordered a double espresso at Moor-gate. Then drank sugary cow’s-milky tea all morning. Then ate a whole packet of nuts to reduce sugar-and caffeine-poisoning effects before lunch. Then had no appetite for lunch and had to eat a sandwich at 5 p.m. so then had no appetite for dinner.

NOTE TO SELF: now that you are married, you must capitulate more often. Resistance is inadvisable. At best, it will throw a day’s eating patterns out of kilter. At worst, it will make you wonder what on earth you let yourself in for when you said ‘I do.’ And it’s far too soon to start thinking like that.