Читать книгу War/Peace - Matthew Vandenberg - Страница 23

‘Don’t be shy. Say whatever you like.’

‘I’m not shy,’ I retort. I blush. My cheeks light up like Rudolph’s nose. Inside the pores of my skin are tiny flames which burn so bright. ‘I just don’t know where to start. Um . . . ok. So hi. My name’s Shelly Freeman. I’m the lead female cast member. You’re probably wondering why I’m here, right? Why I’m actually inside Jackson’s beach house. I’m a catholic, a south-sider, and I’m inside a north-sider safe haven. Guess I’ve found out a lot about myself over this past week.’ – I place a finger on my bottom lip and trace some circles on the thin skin and feel spheres of sensation run deep into the soft apple which frames my mouth . . . as though worms. – ‘I feel lighter, light-headed. Free. They’re saying I ain’t weighed down by thoughts anymore: these are simply butterflies with wings like rose petals that I let free like they were pheromones. I don’t know.’ – I stretch – ‘My dorsomedial prefrontal cortex was a little less active just now: I couldn’t reason as well but I felt great*. My amygdala was less active also, so I wasn’t so vigilant. That was when her hand was inside mine . . . It sounds so silly but . . . her skin was so soft . . .’

‘Who?’

'Jerri. I ran my fingers up her arm first. She was giggling: so beautifully, a spring bird singing – it felt like the rays of her voice were brushing my arm as summer sunlight. Then I traced this very path my fingers took with my bottom lip. Because your lips have the slimmest layer of skin on the human body**, you know that? The lips carry such a dense population of sensory neurons. So . . . this sounds silly . . .'

'Go on. It's a diary. The others confess also. It's nothing to be ashamed of.'

'I . . . I could smell my saliva on her arm, smell my own breath and her skin also, I could taste her sweat, and the sensory neurons in my lip were relaying an unknown number of additional messages to my brain. Five cranial nerves were transferring messages from my lips, tongue, and nose to . . . everywhere it felt . . . I was joyous, so joyous, and the whole world was watching me, I knew this, they were all getting the message. But I felt like I was the message itself. I had been kidnapped, taken somewhere I've never before been. Like – I'm not gay. I'm not gay. That's against everything I believe in. I was under the influence of some kind of drug I think. Felt good, of course. So would heroin. But I'm no fiend. There was just . . . some kind of emotional bond between the two of us. Sure, my cortisol levels declined but this happens all the time – I can be listening to a good song and this will happen. And all women, except those who are gay, actually become excited viewing the actions of both males and females*.'

'How did you feel?'

'Obviously I felt good. Great. When I pressed my lips against hers my pulse quickened, blood pressure rose**. Um . . .' - I string a finger or two through my hair and giggle - 'I think my pupils dilated**. I was breathing more deeply**, like I was coming up for air after being underwater for some time. I felt real good, like I wasn't conscious about my appearance or anything**. Not that I usually am. But . . . I couldn't think. I didn't think. I don't know what I did exactly. It was probably wrong. It's just . . . I don't know. It was nothing.'

'Nothing? You spent the last quarter of an hour talking about it.'

'I'm confessing. When we feel too good, this is wrong, right? I know it is. But it wasn't that good anyway.'

'Shelly. A kiss tells all. Have you ever felt this way while kissing a guy?'

'You don't understand,' I say. 'It just felt good, real good. That's all. I wasn't sexually attracted to . . . I mean, I could never . . . Is Jerri going to hear this? Oh God' – I take several deep breaths.

******

References

1 Deceptacon – Le Tigre

2 Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap

3 Shiny Toy Guns – Le Disco

4 I Kissed A Girl – Katy Perry

5 *Portner, M. (2008: Also in the 'Your Sexual Brain: How It Rules Your Life” special collection lift-out with the November-December, 2010 issue). The Orgasmic Mind. Scientific American Mind, April-May, 66-71. doi: 10.1038/scientificamericanmind0408-66

6 **Walter, C. (2008: Also in the 'Your Sexual Brain: How It Rules Your Life” special collection lift-out with the November-December, 2010 issue). Affairs of the Lips. Scientific American Mind, February-March, 24-29.