Читать книгу Bound By His Vow - Мишель Смарт, Maya Blake - Страница 13

WHEN ELIZA CAME into the nursery Leo had Alessandra in his arms. ‘I’ll carry her downstairs for you but I won’t be able to join you for breakfast,’ he said. ‘I have an online meeting in a few minutes.’

‘Good morning, Alessandra,’ Eliza said, reaching out to touch the child’s hand that was gripping her father’s shirt. ‘It looks like we’ve got a date for breakfast.’

The little girl huddled closer to her father’s chest. ‘I want to have breakfast with Papà.’

Eliza exchanged a brief glance with Leo before addressing the child again. ‘I’m afraid that’s not possible today. But I’m sure Papà will make a special effort to have breakfast with you when he can.’

Alessandra’s thin shoulders slumped as she let out a sigh. ‘All wight.’

Once Leo had placed his daughter in her high chair in the breakfast room he kissed her on the top of the head and, with a brief unreadable glance at Eliza, he left.

Marella, the housekeeper, came bustling in, cooing to the child in Italian. ‘Buongiorno, angioletta mia, tutto bene?’ She turned to Eliza. ‘You have to feed her.’ She nodded at the food in front of the child. ‘She can’t do it herself.’

‘But surely she’s old enough to do some of it on her own?’

‘You’ll have to discuss that with Signor Valente,’ Marella said. ‘Kathleen always feeds her. Tatiana, the O and M teacher, is trying to get Alessandra to do more for herself but it’s a slow process.’

Eliza settled for a compromise by guiding Alessandra’s hands to reach for things on her plate such as pieces of fruit or toast. The little girl was reluctant to drink from anything but her sippy cup so Eliza decided to leave that battle for another day. She knew how important it was to encourage Alessandra to live as normal a life as possible, but pushing her too fast, too soon could be detrimental to her confidence.

Tatiana, the orientation and mobility teacher arrived just as Marella was clearing away the breakfast things. After introducing herself, Tatiana filled Eliza in on the sorts of things she was doing with Alessandra while Marella momentarily distracted Alessandra.

‘We’re working on her coordination and spatial awareness. A sighted child learns by watching others and trying things for themselves, but a vision-impaired or blind child has no reference point. We have to help them explore the world around them in other ways, by touching and feeling, and by listening and using their sense of smell. We also have to teach what is appropriate behaviour in public, as they don’t have the concept of being seen by others.’

‘It all sounds rather painstaking,’ Eliza said.

‘It is,’ Tatiana said. ‘Alessandra is a bright child but don’t let that strong will fool you. When it comes to her exercises she’s not well motivated. That is rather typical of a vision-impaired child. They can become rather passive. Our job is to increase her independence little by little.’

‘She seems small for her age.’

‘Yes, she’s on the lower percentile in terms of height and weight, but with more structured exercise she should catch up.’

‘Is there anything I can do to help while I have her on my own?’

‘Yes, of course,’ Tatiana said. ‘I’ll write out a list of games and activities. You might even think of some of your own. Signor Valente told me you are a teacher, yes?’

‘Yes. I teach a primary school class in a community school in London.’

‘Then you’re perfect for the job,’ Tatiana said. ‘What a shame you can’t be here permanently. Kathleen is a sweetheart but she gives in to Alessandra too easily.’

‘The post is only for a month,’ Eliza said, automatically fingering the diamond on her left hand. ‘I have to get back, in any case.’

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ Tatiana said. ‘Leo Valente is a loving father, but like a lot of parents of children with special needs, he is very protective—almost too protective at times. I guess it’s hard for him, being a single parent.’

‘Did you meet Alessandra’s mother before she died?’ Eliza asked.

Tatiana’s expression said far more than her words. ‘Yes and I still can’t work out how those two ended up married to each other. I got the impression from Giulia it was a rebound relationship on his part.’ She blew out a breath as her gaze went to where Alessandra was sitting in her high chair. ‘I bet that’s a one-night stand he’s regretted ever since.’

Eliza could feel a wave of heat move through her cheeks. I’m sure it’s not the only one, she thought with a searing pain near her heart. ‘Leo loves his daughter. There can be no doubt of that.’

‘Yes, of course he does,’ Tatiana said. ‘But it’s probably not the life he envisaged for himself, is it? But then, lots of parents feel the same when they have a child with a disability. It’s hard to get specialised nannies. Children with special needs can be very demanding. But to see them reach their potential is very rewarding.’

‘Yes, I can imagine it is.’

‘At least Signor Valente has the money to get the best help available,’ Tatiana said. ‘But it’s true what people say, isn’t it? You can’t buy happiness.’

Eliza thought of Leo’s brooding personality and the flashes of pain she had glimpsed in his eyes. ‘No…you certainly can’t…’

The morning passed swiftly as Tatiana worked with Alessandra in structured play with Eliza as active observer. There were shape puzzles for Alessandra to do as well as walking exercises to strengthen her muscles and improve her coordination. The little toddler wasn’t good at walking on her own, even while holding someone’s hand. Her coordination and muscle strength was significantly poorer compared to children her age. And, of course, what was difficult to the little tot was then wilfully avoided.

Eliza could see how a tired and overburdened parent would give in and do things for their child that they should really be encouraging them to do for themselves. It was draining and exhausting just watching the little girl work through her exercises and, even though Tatiana tried to make the session as playful as possible, Alessandra became very tired towards the end. There was barely time for a few mouthfuls of lunch before she was ready for her nap.

Eliza sat in the anteroom and read a book she had brought with her, keeping an ear out for any sign of the little girl becoming restless. An hour passed and then half of another but the child slept on. She could feel her own eyelids drooping when Marella came to the door with a steaming cup of tea and a freshly baked cup cake on a pretty flowered plate.

‘You don’t have to stay here like a prison guard.’ Marella placed the tea and cake on the little table by Eliza’s chair. ‘There’s a portable monitor. Its range is wide enough to reach the gardens and the pool. Didn’t Signor Valente show you?’

‘No…I expect he had too many other things on his mind.’

Marella shook her head sadly. ‘Poor man. He has too much work to do and too little time to do it. He is always torn. He wants to be a good father but he has a big company to run. He’ll drive himself to an early grave just like his father did if he’s not careful.’

Eliza lowered her gaze to the cup of tea she was cradling in her hands. She thought of Leo getting through each day, feeling overly burdened and guilty about the competing demands of his life. Who did he turn to when things got a little overwhelming? One of his mistresses? How could someone he was just having sex with help him deal with his responsibilities? Did he turn to anyone or did he shoulder it all alone? No wonder he seemed angry and bitter a lot of the time. Maybe it wasn’t just her that brought out that in him. Maybe he was just trying to cope with what life had thrown at him—just like she was trying to do, with limited success.

‘I can imagine it must be very difficult for him, juggling it all.’

‘After you’ve had your tea, why don’t you take a stroll out in the garden?’ Marella said. ‘I’ll listen out for the little one. I’ll take the monitor with me. I’ll be on this floor in any case. I have to remake the bed the agency girl was using.’

Eliza could think of nothing better than a bit of sunshine. It seemed a long time since she had been in the fresh air. The villa was becoming oppressive, with its forbiddingly long corridors and large gloomy rooms. She put her cup down on the table. ‘Are you sure?’

‘But of course.’ Marella shooed her away. ‘It will do you good.’

The sun was deliciously warm as Eliza strolled about the gardens, the scent of roses thick and heady in the air. Was it her knowledge of Alessandra’s blindness that made the colours of the roses seem so spectacular all of a sudden? Deep blood reds, soft and bright pinks and crimson, variegated ones, yellow and orange and the snowy perfection of white ones. Even the numerous shades of green in the foliage of the other plants and shrubs stood out to her as she wandered past. She went past the fountain and down a crushed limestone pathway to a grotto that was protected by the shade of a weeping birch. It was a magical sort of setting, secluded and private—the perfect place for quiet reflection. She slipped off her cardigan and sat on the wrought iron bench, wondering how many couples through the centuries had conducted their trysts under the umbrella-like shade of the lush and pendulous branches.

The sound of a footfall on the stones of the pathway made Eliza’s heart give a little kick behind her ribcage. She stood up from the seat just as Leo came into view. He looked just as surprised to see her. She saw the camera-shutter flinch of his features in that nanosecond before he got control and assumed one of his inscrutable expressions.

‘Eliza.’

‘Marella told me to take a break. She’s listening out for Alessandra. She’s got the monitor. I didn’t know you had one; otherwise—’ she knew she was babbling but couldn’t seem to stop ‘—she told me it would be all right and—’

‘You’re not under lock and key.’

Eliza tried to read his expression but it was like trying to read one of the marble statues she had walked past earlier in the long wide gallery in the villa. She wondered if he had come down here to be alone. Perhaps it was his private place for handling the difficulties of his life. No wonder he resented her presence. She was intruding on his only chance at solitude.

‘I’d better head back.’ She turned to pick up her cardigan that she’d left on the seat.

‘What have you done to your arms?’

‘Um—nothing.’ She bunched the cardigan against her chest. It was too late to put it back on.

His frown brought his brows to a deep V above his eyes. ‘Did I…?’ He seemed momentarily lost for words. ‘Did I do that to you?’

‘It’s nothing…really.’ She began to turn away but he anchored her with a gentle band of his broad fingers around her wrist.

His touch was like a circle of flame. She felt the shockwave of it right to the secret heart of her. Her skin danced with jittery sensations. Her heart fluttered like a hummingbird and her breath halted in her throat like a horse refusing a jump.

‘I’m sorry.’ His voice was a deep bass—deeper than organ pipes. It made her spine loosen and quiver. It spoke to the primal woman in her, especially when he ever so gently ran one of his fingers over the marks he had made on her flesh. ‘Do they hurt?’

‘No, of course not.’ She was struggling to deal with her spiralling emotions. Why did he have to stand so close to her? How could she resist him when he was close enough for her to sense his arrantly male reaction to her? If she moved so much as an inch she would feel him.

Oh, how she wanted to feel him!

Could he see how much she ached for him? How desperate she was to have it taken out of her control, to be swept away to a world where nothing mattered but the senses he awakened and satisfied.

‘I’d forgotten how very sensitive your skin is.’ His fingers danced over her left forearm, leaving every pore screaming for more of his tantalising touch.

Eliza swallowed convulsively. This was going to get out of hand rather rapidly if he kept on with this softly-softly assault on her senses. She could fend him off when he was angry and bitter. She could withstand him—only just—when he was brooding and resentful.

But in this mood he was far more dangerous.

Her need of him was dangerous.

She pulled back from his loose hold but it tightened a mere fraction, keeping her tethered to him—to temptation. ‘I…I have to go…’ Her words sounded desperate, her breathing even more so. She fought to control herself. She didn’t want him to see how close to being undone she was. ‘Please…let me go…’

‘That was my mistake four years ago.’ He brought her even closer, his hands going to the small of her back, pressing her to his need. ‘I should never have let you go.’

‘It wasn’t a mistake.’ She tried to push against his chest but he wouldn’t budge. ‘I had to go. I didn’t belong with you. I don’t belong with you.’

His hands gripped her wrists, gently but firmly. ‘You keep fighting me but you want this as much as I do. I know you do. I know you want me. I feel it every time you look at me.’

‘It’s wrong.’ Eliza was close to breaking. She couldn’t allow herself to fold emotionally. She had to be strong. She had to think of poor Ewan. It was her fault he had been robbed of everything. He would never feel love again. He would never feel passion or desire.

Why should she feel it when he no longer could?

‘Tell your fiancé you want a break.’

‘I can’t do that.’

‘Why not?’

‘He wouldn’t understand.’

‘Make him understand. Tell him you want a month to have a think about things. Is that so much to ask? For God’s sake, you’re giving him the rest of your life. What is one measly month in the scheme of things?’

Eliza tried to control her trembling bottom lip. ‘Relationships can’t be turned on and off like that. I’ve made a commitment. I can’t opt out of it.’

His dark eyes glittered. ‘Are saying you can’t or you won’t?’

She forced herself to hold his challenging look. ‘I won’t be used by you, Leo.’

One of his hands burned like a brand in the small of her back as he drew her closer. ‘What’s all this talk of me using you?’ His voice was still low and deep, making her resolve fall over like a precariously assembled house of cards. ‘You want the same thing I want. There doesn’t have to be a winner or a loser in this. We can both have what we want.’

Eliza could feel the slow melt of her bones. She could feel that sharp dart of longing deep inside her body, the need that longed to be assuaged. Was it wrong to want to feel his passionate possession one more time? To explore the intense heat that continued to flare between them? But would one month be enough? How could it ever be enough? Experiencing that earth-shattering pleasure again would only leave her frustrated and miserable for the rest of her life. She would always be thinking of him, aching for him, missing him. It had been hard enough four years ago. He had lived in her body for all this time, making her even more restless and unhappy with her lot in life.

But it was her lot in life.

There was no escaping the fact that Ewan’s life had been destroyed and that she had been the one to do it. How could she carry on with her life as if it didn’t matter?

Of course it mattered.

It would always matter.

With a strength Eliza had no idea she possessed, she pushed back from him. ‘I’m sorry…’ She moved away from him until she was almost standing in the shrubbery. ‘You’re asking too much. It’s all been too much. Finding out about your daughter’s blindness…seeing how hard it is for her and for you. I can’t think straight…I’m confused and upset…’

‘You need more time.’

She squeezed her eyes closed for a moment as if that would make all of this go away. But when she opened them again he was still standing there, looking at her with his unwavering gaze.

‘It’s not about time…’ She bit down on her lower lip. ‘It’s just not our time…’ It was never our time.

He tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. Her skin shivered at his tender touch, the nerves pirouetting beneath the surface until she was almost dizzy with longing. ‘I’ve handled this appallingly, haven’t I?’ he asked, resting that same hand on the nape of her neck.

Eliza wasn’t sure how to answer so remained silent. His hand was strong and yet gentle—protective. She longed to be held by him and never let go. But the past—their past—was a yawning canyon that was too wide and deep to cross.

He let out a rough-sounding sigh and, stepping away from her to look out over the rear garden, that same hand that had moments ago caressed her was now rubbing at the back of his neck as if trying to ease giant knots of tension buried there. ‘I’m still not sure why I came to you that day in London. I needed a nanny in a hurry and for some reason the first person I thought of was you.’ His hand dropped to his side as he turned and looked at her again. ‘But maybe it was because I wanted you to see what my life had become.’ His expression was tortured with anguish and frustration. ‘I’ve got more money than I know what to do with and yet I can’t fix my child. I can’t make her see.’

Eliza felt his frustration. It was imbedded in every word he had spoken. It was in every nuance of his expression. He was in pain for his daughter—physical and emotional pain. ‘You’re a wonderful father, Leo. Your role is to love and provide for her. You’re doing all that and more.’

‘She needs more than I can give her.’ He dragged a hand over his face. It pulled at his features, distorting them, making him seem older than his years. ‘She needs her mother. But that’s another thing I can’t fix. I can’t bring her mother back.’

‘That’s not your fault. You mustn’t blame yourself.’

He gave her a weary look. ‘Giulia was already broken when I met her. But I probably made it a thousand times worse.’

‘How did you meet her?’

‘In a bar.’

Eliza felt her face colour up. ‘Not a great place to find lasting love…’

He gave her a look she couldn’t quite decipher. ‘No, but then people at a crossroads in their lives often hang out in bars. I was no different than Giulia. We’d both been disappointed in love. She’d been let down by a long-term lover. In hindsight, I would have been much better served—and her, for that matter—if I’d just listened to what had been going on in her life. She needed a friend, not a new lover to replace the one she’d lost.’

‘What happened?’

His gaze dropped to the gravel at his feet as he kicked absently at a loose pebble. ‘We had a one-night stand.’ His eyes met hers again. ‘I know you might find this hard to believe, but I don’t make a habit of them. I regretted it as soon as it was over. We had no real chemistry. In some ways I think she only went through with it because she wanted to prove something to herself—that she could sleep with another man after being with her lover for so long.’ He took a breath and slowly released it. ‘She called me a month later and told me she was pregnant.’

‘You must have been furious.’

He shrugged one shoulder. ‘I wasn’t feeling anything much at that stage. I guess that’s why I offered to marry her. I truly didn’t care either way. As far as I was concerned, the only woman I wanted wasn’t available. What did it matter who I married?’

Eliza ignored the flash of pain his words evoked and frowned at him. ‘Why was marriage so important to you? Most men your age are quite content with having affairs. They wouldn’t dream of settling down with one person for the rest of their life, even when there is a child involved, especially one that wasn’t planned.’

‘My father loved my mother,’ he said. ‘It ended badly, but he always instilled in me that it was worth committing to one person. He didn’t believe in half measures. His philosophy was you were either in or you were out. I admired that in him.

‘I tried my best with Giulia. I gave her what I could but it wasn’t enough. At the end of the day we didn’t love each other. No amount of commitment on my part could compensate for her guilt over Alessandra’s blindness. She just couldn’t handle it. She rejected her right from the start. In her mind, it was as if someone had handed her the wrong baby in the hospital. She couldn’t seem to accept that this was what life was going to be like from now on.’

‘I’m sure there are a lot of parents who feel that way,’ Eliza said.

He scored a pathway through his hair, as if even thinking about that time in his life made his head ache. ‘The thing was, Giulia didn’t want to have my baby. She wanted her ex’s child.’

Eliza’s frown showed her confusion as it pulled at her forehead. ‘But you said she deliberately set out to get pregnant, that she set you up.’

He gave her another weary look. ‘It’s true. But the thing is, I could have been anyone that night. She wanted to hit out at the man who’d let her down so badly. She wasn’t thinking straight. On another night she might not have done it, but of course once it was done it was too late to undo it. She wasn’t the type to have an abortion and, to be honest, I didn’t want her to. We were both responsible for what happened. I could have walked away from her that night. But, in a way, I think I was trying to prove something too.’

Eliza sank her teeth into her lip, thinking about how devastating all this had been for him. His life had changed so swiftly and so permanently. And she had been part of that devastation when she had rejected his proposal. Was she always destined to ruin other people’s lives? To make them desperately unhappy and destroy the life they had envisaged for themselves?

‘I’m sorry…I can see now why you feel I’m partly to blame for how things have turned out. But who’s to say we would’ve had a great relationship if I had been free to marry you?’

His dark eyes meshed with hers. ‘Do you seriously doubt that we couldn’t have had a satisfying relationship after what we shared during those three weeks?’

She turned away from his penetratingly hot gaze and folded her arms across her middle, cupping her elbows with her crossed over hands. ‘There’s much more to a relationship than sex. There’s companionship and emotional honesty and closeness. The best sex in the world doesn’t make up for those things.’

‘Is that what you have with your fiancé? Emotional closeness?’

‘I should get back…’ Eliza glanced towards the villa. ‘Alessandra will be well and truly awake by now. Marella will be wondering what’s happened to me.’

She started back along the pathway but she didn’t hear Leo following her. She glanced back when she got to the fountain but he had disappeared from sight. She gave an uneven sigh and, with a little slump of her shoulders, made her way inside the villa.