Читать книгу Mustard Seeds - Melissa Levi - Страница 16

Looking For That Pat on the Back

For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.

Galatians 1:10

Sometimes these “seeds” come easy to me, other times they are stubborn. There are times I know exactly what I am going to write and then other times I haven’t a clue. Still, there are some that press to be written and I am reluctant because I know that God wants me to share something of myself that goes beyond my comfort. #13 Prayer Can Change the Heart was such a difficult one to write. I know that I am not that person anymore, but that does not remove the pain that was caused to my family and friends. Revisiting those times is difficult and I am still ashamed.

God, however, was insistent that this should be written and shared, and with much fussing, whining, fit pitching and sulking I surrendered myself to HIS Will.

When it was done, I felt that I had completed what HE had asked of me.

The “Seed” was published on the site, copies mailed to those without email and posted on Facebook. There were not the usual encouraging emails, phone calls or comments on Facebook that I had become accustomed. Instead, silence echoed from all media. I began to question whether or not I had done what I should have. Did I miss the message? Had I failed to deliver the point that I had felt certain had been given by God? I began to obsess about it. I reread the article several times. I began to panic and worry. My mind started whirling the possibilities. As my emotions continued to lather I went to God and I asked. “Why has no one commented?”

In between the clatter of my thoughts came a voice so sweet and low. “Why do you worry what others say? Why do you crave their validation? Am I not enough?”

I am the worse for wanting the approval of those around me. My parents, my siblings, my friends, neighbors, my children, coworkers, church members and strangers, I want them all to think of me as good, special or smart. I will bend over backwards to satisfy what they want of me, but how often do I consider what God desires of me? When do I ever just say, “He loved me enough that Jesus died for me? Why do I need man’s validation, when I have saving Grace?”

Reflecting back on Prayer Can Change the Heart, I realized that was how I landed in that mess to start with. I was searching for validation and acceptance everywhere but the cross. I looked to men for my validation, my sense of worth and found neither. I wanted so badly to have someone look at me and tell me I was special, beautiful and worthy. No matter where I looked I did not find it. I would pray and beg God to send that special one, the one that would think all those things.

How I must have grieved HIM as He watched me run from place to place, person to person, job to job, friend to friend, weight loss programs to program, denomination to denomination, exhausting myself when all the time He hung there, arms outstretched, tears, blood dripping to the thirsty ground, and smeared with my sins. Everything that I ever asked for in a man was right there in Jesus. Jesus loved me unconditionally. He loved me, not my body, my possessions or what I could give Him but just me. To Jesus I am beautiful, I am special, I am wanted and loved. He chose me. That was all I ever sought to be chosen, wanted and loved.

Me. Just me.

Maybe no one commented because it had been written not so much for them, but for me—of where my validation comes from and obedience without hindrance from worrying about what people may think.

Your validation comes through Christ Jesus.

For God sent not his Son into the world not to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:17