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Prologue

Wheels Up

“We’re probably the people with the lowest combined GPA and SAT scores who’ve ever sold a company to Warren Buffett!” quipped Gary Spitalnik, EVP of Wheels Up, a membership-based private aviation company. He laughed uproariously as he explained how he and his friends played a role in the sale of Marquis Jet to NetJets, part of Buffett’s Berkshire Hathaway empire. Gary’s warmth and genuine friendliness filled the room when we met at a recent business dinner in Houston. I had just flown in to give a speech and was feeling a bit tired, but his questions and ability to listen to my responses buoyed my energy and inspired my curiosity. As he and his colleagues explained the vision behind their innovative entrepreneurial venture — “democratizing private jet travel” — they also shared how much fun they were having at work. Gary enthused, “Our business is all about connecting with people. We love it!”

When I mentioned that I was writing a book entitled The Art of Connection, he jumped out of his chair and exclaimed, “That’s us! That’s what we are all about. Wait until you meet Kenny.” Spitalnik’s enthusiasm rose to another level as he spoke about Kenny Dichter, the CEO of Wheels Up and cofounder of Marquis Jet and Tequila Avión (featured on the HBO series Entourage and winner of the “Best Tequila in the World” award at the San Francisco World Spirits Competition).

As an article in Entrepreneur magazine states: “Kenny Dichter is someone you want to know, and he wants to know you, too. No, he really does.” Kenny’s wife and business partner, Shoshana, adds that her husband’s success is a “reflection of his gift for connecting with people.” She says, “He’s a master at building relationships.”

The crew at Wheels Up exemplifies many of the skills that we will be exploring. Its leaders transmit a positive energy that is uplifting and contagious. When you interact with any kind of organization, you can usually get a sense of the skill of the leaders based on the energy. When the energy is low and weak, chances are the leadership is poor. When the energy is positive and strong, odds are so is the leadership. This manifests in all kinds of ways, from the largest gestures down to the smallest details. The greeting by the host at a restaurant, the reception at the hotel check-in, and the interaction with a gate agent at an airline all convey powerful messages, for better or worse, about the quality of leadership.

In the course of more than three decades of consulting with organizations around the world, I’ve seen the best and the worst of workplaces. All of the best places are characterized by a sense of camaraderie and connection. This isn’t the only factor in a successful endeavor, but it is a critical one.

My career has been built on developing energizing, enduring connections with visionary, positive leaders. When I began leading seminars for executives, I was the youngest person in the room, and now I’m usually the oldest. My passion for helping emerging leaders learn the skills they need is greater than ever.

What are those skills, and how have they changed? Many of the essentials skills remain unchanged, but others have evolved considerably due to rapidly changing circumstances. The most important shifts include new currencies, free agency, and a more horizontal structure in which diversity, collaboration, and intrinsic incentives play larger roles.

Attention and personal energy are the new currencies. Ten years ago the companies with the largest market capitalization were mostly oil companies, and today they are organizations focused on capturing and selling attention via advertising (Google, Facebook, etc.). The ability to connect with others, to engage their attention, is more important now than ever before. And energy management has replaced time management. When I began my career, “time-management seminars” were ubiquitous. Now these programs are mostly extinct. Professor James Clawson, author of Level Three Leadership: Getting Below the Surface, heralded this shift when he wrote in 1999: “Leadership is about managing energy, first in yourself and then in others.”

We are all free agents. On October 22, 2003, my seminar for regional managers at a multinational pharmaceutical company was interrupted by a special address from the CEO. We were summoned to the cafeteria, where we watched a webcast in which he announced that 4,400 people would lose their jobs in what turned out to be the first of a series of major restructurings. After the shocking news, I asked the group if they wanted to continue with the program or return to their offices. They voted to continue. As one manager stated, “What we are learning is exactly what we need to deal with these challenging circumstances.”

Many large companies like AT&T, Boeing, DuPont, IBM, and Merck, which used to be stable places to work, have changed dramatically over the years. Most of the visionary leaders with whom I collaborated at these companies have moved on to other opportunities, and many of them are my clients in their new roles. All of them are gifted in many ways, but the distinguishing attribute of the finest leaders is their skill in building relationships.

The concept of a “job” is obsolete. You may have a position at a company, but that could end tomorrow. You are a free agent, the leader of your own enterprise. If you are employed by a company now, it just means that you have only one client. If you lose that position tomorrow, it is your relationships that will help you manage the transition successfully.

The workforce is more diverse and less hierarchical, collaboration is more important, and the best people are more motivated by intrinsic incentives. Our society is more diverse and business is more global, so leaders need to be more flexible and adaptable in their relationship-building and communication skills. Teams form, accomplish a task, and then reform for a new task. Collaboration has always been important, but now teams must come together to build trust and alignment faster than ever. Money is still important as a reward, but increasingly so is a sense of meaning, purpose, and connection. Guiding others to discover a sense of meaning, purpose, and connection is an increasingly important element of contemporary leadership.

Much of what follows is drawn from leadership development seminars I’ve designed and conducted for clients in many different organizations, large and small, profit and nonprofit. Each seminar begins with a few questions for contemplation and then clarification of some fundamental definitions and underlying assumptions, followed by setting goals for our time together. Let’s do that here as well.

What Is Leadership?

There seem to be as many different definitions and descriptions of leaders and leadership as there are leadership books. Before I share mine, please consider yours.

What’s your definition of leadership?

What are the most important qualities and skills that leaders need now?

Have the skills leaders need changed?

How does leadership differ from management?

Does leadership require charisma?

Is leadership dependent on title, office, or position?

Are leaders born or made?

Here is my formal definition of leadership:

Leadership is a process of social influence that optimizes the energy of others to realize a vision, execute a strategy, or achieve a goal.

My informal definition is:

Leadership is the art of connection! It’s about building relationships to bring out the best in others.

At Wheels Up and in every organization where the atmosphere is infused with positive energy, the leaders are skilled in relationship building. As you improve your skills in connecting with others, you’re more likely to be recognized as a leader. As you gain recognition and become more senior in an organization, people watch you and the way you treat others with hawklike attention. In companies, schools, nonprofit organizations, and at home, leaders set the example of connection and take responsibility for the quality of relationships, which determines the quality of energy.

Three Myths about Leadership

Before we go further, let’s examine three common misconceptions about what it takes to be a leader.

1. Leadership is a function of position, title, or seniority. Leadership skills used to be thought of as just for those at the top of the pyramid, but as organizations become less hierarchical, these skills become more important for everyone. Although leadership isn’t necessarily correlated with position, title, or seniority, if you have gained responsibility or are in a position of formal authority, it’s even more important to refine these skills.

2. Leadership requires charisma and extroversion. Charisma can be useful in inspiring people to “buy into” a vision, but it’s not necessary. What is necessary, whether you’re an extrovert, introvert, or ambivert, is self-awareness and openness to change. For charismatic extroverts this often means being more receptive and empathic, and for shy introverts it means learning to be more social and assertive.

3. Leaders are born, not made. The idea that leadership is determined genetically is, as pioneering scholar and consultant Warren Bennis (1925–2014) emphasized, the most dangerous leadership myth. It’s dangerous because it stops many people from cultivating the skills they need to lead. Bennis exhorts: “This myth asserts that people simply either have certain charismatic qualities or not. That’s nonsense; in fact, the opposite is true.” He concludes, “Leaders are made rather than born.”

How do you make yourself into a leader? You learn the skills of the art of connection. Sam Horn offers a compelling example. She’s a leader with remarkable relationship-building skills, a role model for anyone interested in the art of connection. Acclaimed as the “Intrigue Expert,” she’s an internationally renowned communications strategist who has written a number of bestsellers and coached many of the world’s top entrepreneurs and executives. Sam brings people together to bring out their best. Just one example: she helped create the Maui Writers Conference and was its executive director and seventeen-time emcee.

But what makes her such a compelling role model for leaders who want to develop their relationship-building skills is that she wasn’t “born” with this gift; she made it happen. As she expresses it: “I was a smart girl in a small town, and being a smart girl in a small town is not a prescription for popularity. I was a brainiac with little patience for small talk. I loved talking about big ideas. At the time, I didn’t realize that sometimes comes across as showing off.”

When Sam was fifteen years old, she discovered Dale Carnegie’s classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People (1936). Her life changed forever when she read these words: “You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Sam realized that instead of showing off and trying to be the most interesting person in the room, she could train herself to be the most interested person in the room. She explains, “Instead of talking about what I know, I focus on finding out what other people know.” Sam, who now usually becomes the most popular woman in any room she enters, attributes her success to her continuing quest to improve her relationship-building skills. She enthuses, “Connection is the secret of life!”

Leaders are made, not born, and the making is a process that continues throughout life. This has not changed. Except, perhaps, that it has become more important.

How Does Leadership Differ from Management?

Leadership is the art of accomplishing more than the science of management says is possible.

— COLIN POWELL, former U.S. Secretary of State

Managers are busy cutting their way through the forest. The leader climbs the tallest tree, looks around, and shouts, “Hey, we’re cutting through the wrong forest.” The managers respond, “Shut up! We’re making progress!”

Managers control, organize, and measure. Leaders strategize, inspire, and energize. In the real world, now we must all do both! We all have to sharpen our saws and help cut through the forest and remain cognizant of the big picture and the purpose of our actions, while consistently striving to bring out the best in ourselves and others.

In the past managers were asked to focus on doing things right, whereas leaders put more emphasis on doing the right things. Now we must all focus on doing the right things right.

Becoming a Conscious Leader

Please take a few minutes to contemplate these three questions:

1. What percentage of people’s visible behavior do you think is habitual? In other words, as you watch people go about their everyday activities — entering an elevator, queuing up at an airline check-in counter, ordering a latte — how much of what they’re doing is on automatic pilot?

2. What percentage of people’s internal dialogue do you think is habitual? In other words, as you watch people go about their everyday activities, how much of their self-talk, or internal conversation, is on automatic pilot?

3. What percentage of people’s values, assumptions, beliefs, and expectations (VABEs) do you think is habitual? In other words, how aware are people of the deeper motivations underlying their behaviors and accompanying internal dialogue?

Jim Clawson begins our seminar at the Darden Graduate School of Business by posing these three questions to our group of executives. Jim and I have taught this “Leading Innovation” program together for more than ten years, and each time these questions stimulate lively conversation. In every class the somewhat surprising consensus is that most people are functioning on automatic pilot most of the time. The last class agreed that at least 80 percent of visible behavior and 80 percent of internal dialogue were proceeding unconsciously and that a whopping 98 percent of people’s deeper motivations was playing out below the surface of their consciousness.

In the industrial age many organizations were influenced by behaviorism, a school of psychology based on the idea that all that matters is what can be observed and measured. Behaviorists aim to reinforce behaviors deemed desirable through reward, or “positive reinforcement,” and discourage those deemed undesirable through punishment, or “negative reinforcement.” Clawson refers to the attempt to manipulate visible behavior as Level One, and his research over decades shows that it usually doesn’t work very well. Rather than causing people to buy into a change or innovation, the carrot-and-stick approach may compel short-term compliance, but frequently results in either active or passive resistance.

Level Two is the realm of appealing to people’s internal dialogue through reason, data, and argument. When the CEO cited earlier gave his webcast announcing the force reduction, he offered a carefully considered, well-reasoned case for its necessity. Many large corporations operate on this level, and what they get, according to Clawson’s research, is either apathy, compliance, or at best agreement.

At Level Three the appeal is to people’s deeper motivations and sense of higher purpose. Level Three leadership is the art of connecting with others to liberate creative energy by aligning values, assumptions, beliefs, and expectations (VABEs). Like a good therapist, a Level Three leader needs to understand and be able to communicate about VABEs. Clawson’s research demonstrates that aligned VABEs are the drivers of sustainable world-class performance. Great organizations are characterized by a sense of engagement, and even passion, that stems from the energy unleashed when people care deeply about what they’re doing and why they’re doing it.

In the contemporary world of work the best people are more aware of their options and much more motivated by a sense of meaning, purpose, and connectedness than in any previous generation. Level Three leaders, those who are capable of building relationships by connecting with people “beneath the surface,” are increasingly valuable to organizations who want to attract and keep high performers.

You don’t become a psychotherapist without going through therapy yourself, and you don’t become a Level Three leader without conscious consideration of your own VABEs. Most people are relatively unaware and avoid considering their values, assumptions, beliefs, and expectations until they’re forced to by illness, death of a loved one, divorce, or some other trauma.

Don’t wait! History’s greatest leaders have always operated from Level Three. Now you can too.

The Soul Impetus

In the 1970s managers were managers. In the 1980s managers were asked to learn how to be leaders, something that has become more important every decade since. In the first decade of the new millennium, managers were also asked to develop the skill of coaches. Now if you work in any kind of organization, in addition to knowing how to be a coach, it really helps if you can think and speak like a psychotherapist. The same thing is true for parents and spouses.

I first learned how to speak like a therapist from my mom, Joan, who worked for years at the Passaic County Mental Health Clinic. After raising me, her work treating sociopaths, addicts, and murderers seemed easy. Joan has a special gift for connecting with people, which served her well at home and in her work. She recounts:

One of my regular patients, Anita, was only twenty-four years old, but she weighed more than three hundred pounds and was on ten years’ probation for threatening to blow up the post office (a federal offense). She had a long history of assaultive behavior. I saw her once a week for about three years, and we built a solid relationship.

One day she came in highly agitated and couldn’t say what had upset her. All of a sudden, she jumped up and shouted, “Joan, get out of the room fast! I’m going to tear this office apart. Get out NOW!” I did, and it was a good thing, as she trashed the office completely before being dragged away by the police. I was touched by the way she communicated her trust in me. She knew that I cared for her, and in the midst of acting out her rage she remembered our connection. (Incidentally, I was using another office that day while mine was being painted!)

My dad, Sandy, retired from his oral surgery practice almost twenty years ago, but people still remember him fondly. The reason is that, besides being a superb and dedicated technician, he cared about his patients. Without ever being a “touchy-feely” type, he calmed the fears of patients facing extractions of impacted wisdom teeth or reconstructive surgery. Sandy understood that his reassuring words and calming presence helped to generate more successful outcomes in the surgeries he performed. As he explains: “It wasn’t part of my formal training, but it was pretty obvious that most people who come into a dentist’s office are terrified. Somehow I always knew that if I could get them to relax a bit, if we made a human connection, then everything would work better.”

Affectionately known to their friends as “Mental and Dental,” Joan and Sandy recently celebrated their sixty-sixth wedding anniversary. Despite their gifts in the art of connection, things weren’t always easy between them. But, unlike many of their friends who separated when things got difficult, they worked through their challenges. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my parents’ example gave me a sense that growth and change were possible.

My passion for growth and change led me to study psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts, because it was the place where Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung first visited when they came to the United States and it was renowned for an excellent psychology department. Upon graduation I contemplated a career as a psychotherapist, but in those days doctoral programs in clinical psychology focused exclusively on pathology, and I was interested in what we now call “positive psychology.” The field of positive psychology didn’t exist yet, so I blazed my own trail.

Thanks to the creative support of Goddard College, I was able to design my own master’s degree program in Psycho-Physical Re-education while training as a teacher of the Alexander Technique in London. My thesis became my first book, and that’s how I became an author. In 1979 I was invited to present on a five-day leadership retreat in Switzerland for senior executives of a global computer company. I made a great connection with the Human Resources VP and was asked to colead this program for many other groups around the world. These early experiences provided a great opportunity to learn about bringing people together, but my deeper understanding of human relationships has emerged from the humbling lessons I learned from a difficult divorce and from more than twenty years’ work with a wonderfully wise psychotherapist. This deep inner work helped me become more attuned to myself and, in the process, more attuned to my clients. Learning to be fully present with clients allowed me to cultivate positive connections that, in some cases, have lasted for decades. All this provides the soul impetus behind this book.

Although there’s always more work to do and lessons to learn, my life is rich with beautiful, joyful relationships. I have an abundance of loving friends, a marvelous network of clients who have become friends, a great relationship with my mom and dad, and, best of all, a fulfilling, happy marriage. The perspectives and insights in these pages are those that I apply on a daily basis to make the most of all my relationships.

Professionally, my primary emphasis has been on teaching people the mindset and skills of creative thinking. It’s relatively easy to teach people how to generate new ideas. The hard part is getting support for those ideas and overcoming resistance to innovation and change. This demands skill in building relationships, and it often means managing conflict.

Many of my clients are champions of innovative change in companies, schools, and government agencies, and they seek help in overcoming resistance to new ideas. Resistance to change and innovation is to be expected. As Italian philosopher and statesman Niccolò Machiavelli (1469–1527) observed five hundred years ago: “It ought to be remembered that there is nothing more perilous…than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. Because the innovator has for enemies all those who have done well under the old conditions, and lukewarm defenders in those who may do well under the new.”

Whether you are championing innovation and positive change in your organization, trying to negotiate a fair deal with a collaborator, or dealing with a dispute with your spouse or child, your success and fulfillment will be a function of your ability to apply the art of connection.

Conjungere ad Solvendum

Conjungere ad solvendum is Latin for “Connect before solving.” I made up this motto because, through teaching and facilitating innovative thinking for decades, I’ve discovered that the most powerful catalyst for inspiring creative breakthroughs and translating those breakthroughs into sustainable innovations is to guide people to connect with one another first, before trying to solve a problem. When people connect, when they are simpatico, on the same wavelength, attuned, in rapport, they are much better at generating and implementing new ideas.

When people really listen, when they are fully present with one another, it is, as pioneering psychotherapist Carl Rogers (1902–87) describes, “astonishing how elements which seem insoluble become soluble.” Rogers adds that when genuine connection happens, “confusions which seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams.”

This isn’t just true in therapy. Connection facilitates creativity in all domains. When people truly listen to one another, something reliably magical happens: seemingly irremediable confusions do become clear flowing streams. This is true in a marriage, a friendship, or a professional collaboration.

The art of connection — creating and maintaining genuine rapport with others — is the key to building relationships, resolving conflict, and making creative dreams come true.

This book is for you, if you:

• Are an aspiring leader who wishes to cultivate the relationship-building skills necessary to translate creative visions into practical realities;

• Would like to differentiate yourself from the growing tendency toward shallow and superficial communication;

• Seek a stronger sense of connection and fulfillment in all your relationships;

• Wish to discover, and to help others discover, a deeper sense of meaning, purpose, and connection.

When it comes to learning and developing this art, we all need all the help we can get! Why?

Most people apply the communication strategies with which they were raised. If you come from a family who didn’t express emotions openly and clearly, then chances are you will have a hard time expressing emotion yourself. If you were raised in an environment where anger was repressed and acted out in passive-aggressive ways, the odds are that you will do the same. Maybe you’ve seen the Far Side cartoon that depicts a huge auditorium with a large banner over the stage that says: “WELCOME! Convention of People from Nondysfunctional Families.” Almost all of the seats are empty!

If people are not unconsciously mimicking the dysfunctional communication habits with which they were raised, they may be reacting against them or they may be getting their idea of how to communicate from some form of media, both of which can have problematic results. And then, of course, there’s the depersonalizing effect of contemporary electronic communication. Positive models of the art of connection are rare. You’ve got to create your own, and this book will guide you in that process.

The Art of Connection has been incubating for decades based on insights and experiences that are fundamental to my evolving understanding of relationship building. Some of the material in this book has appeared in previous books that I have written, but it is reframed and contextualized here in a way that I hope you will experience as most useful and relevant to our present circumstances.

The seven skills we will explore are all timeless, but they are also especially timely and most essential for leaders now. Each chapter includes illustrative stories, relevant scientific research, and practical exercises to help you apply the skill. Let’s begin by considering the profound role of the art of connection in supporting your health, happiness, and effectiveness as a leader.

Getting the Most from The Art of Connection

The Greatest Point of Leverage

In the classic comedy film City Slickers, Curly, the savvy, grizzled cowboy, played by the late great Jack Palance, imparts the secret of life to Mitch, the naive city slicker, played by Billy Crystal, as they ride their horses:

CURLY: Do you know what the secret of life is? This. [He raises one finger.]

MITCH: Your finger?

CURLY: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that, and everything else don’t mean shit.

MITCH: That’s great.…But what is the “one thing”?

CURLY: That’s what you gotta figure out.

This book features many suggestions and practices throughout the text that I trust will be meaningful, and at the end of each chapter you’ll find one thing, one action step, exercise, or practice that will help you get the most out of the skill discussed in the chapter.

This one thing is my best response to the question: What’s the greatest point of leverage in applying this information now? Contemplating this powerful question helps individuals and organizations focus on the most potent specific action they can take to best advance their interests. Ultimately, as Curly notes, you’ve got to figure out relationship building for yourself. This closing section of each chapter is designed to help you get started in the most productive way.

References, Citations, and Recommendations

I quote others only to better express myself.

— MICHEL DE MONTAIGNE (1533–92), French philosopher

Michel de Montaigne may be reviled by high-school students for popularizing the essay as a literary form, but his quote about quoting is a perfect expression of my criteria for including the words and wisdom of others in this book. I use quotes when they are clever, memorable, or authoritative in support of a point that I believe is helpful for you.

Most of the quotes on the internet are accurate.

— THOMAS JEFFERSON

Like the line above, many of the quotations on various websites are not accurate, or they are misattributed, or both. For example, here’s a wonderful quote that summarizes a major theme of the book:

You cannot live for yourselves; a thousand fibers connect you with your fellow men, and along those fibers, as along sympathetic threads, run your actions as causes, and return to you as effects.

— Commonly attributed to author HERMAN MELVILLE (1819–91), but actually said by the Anglican priest HENRY MELVILL (1798–1871)

All references and quotes in this book have been checked to ensure authenticity and accuracy. Many of the quotations from living authors and researchers have been verified directly with the source. When I didn’t have direct access to the original source, I relied on Kristen Cashman, the brilliant managing editor of New World Library, and Garson O’Toole, a.k.a. the Quote Investigator, author of Hemingway Didn’t Say That: The Truth Behind Familiar Quotations. Website links have been tested and were all functioning as we went to press.

The HAC Workplace

HAC stands for “high-acronym culture.” Many of my corporate clients have TLAs (three-letter acronyms) for almost every policy and process. Acronyms are new words created from the first letters of a series of words and can be useful when utilized thoughtfully. They can make it easier for us to remember and serve as a password or bonding code for people who know what the letters represent. They work best when the new word created from the first letters relates to what the letters represent. For example, in Chapter 5 you’ll discover that it’s much easier to remember the principles for giving and receiving praise when you use the acronym PRAISE. You’ll discover a liberal use of original acronyms throughout the book designed to make the material easier for you to remember and apply.

Invitation to Connect

Let’s connect! I’m dedicated to helping you deepen your relationships, enrich your life, and grow as a leader. One of the skills you’ll read about is how to make the exchange of feedback a natural part of your relationships. So let’s make it part of ours! Please write to me directly with your feedback and follow-up questions. Twitter @MichaelJGelb or Michael@michaelgelb.com.

Overview

Here’s a brief note on the focus of each chapter.

INTRODUCTION: Why The Art of Connection is the secret to health, happiness, longevity, and leadership.

1. EMBRACE HUMILITY: Why humility is the source of genuine strength and confidence, and how to cultivate it. How humility allows you to connect more effectively with self and others.

2. BE A GLOWWORM: How emotions are contagious, and the specific strategies to catch and spread the energy that brings out the best in yourself and others.

3. ACHIEVE THE THREE LIBERATIONS: Three simple but profound ways to shift out of the unconscious patterns that interfere with your ability to connect with yourself and others.

4. TRANSCEND FIXATIONS: How to move beyond the habits that limit your freedom to connect and respond, intelligently and effectively, to different types of people.

5. BALANCE ENERGY EXCHANGE: Simple, practical methods to monitor the balance of energy in relationships and adjust it when necessary.

6. BE A RARE LISTENER: Why real listening is so rare, and what you can do to improve, now! This is the chapter that everyone you know is waiting for you to read and apply, so that you will become a truly great listener.

7. TURN FRICTION INTO MOMENTUM: Three perspectives that will transform your approach to conflict, and the two most important skills for finding creative solutions to relationship challenges.