Читать книгу The Art of Connection - Michael J. Gelb - Страница 12
ОглавлениеDo you wish to rise? Begin by descending. You plan a tower that will pierce the clouds? Lay first the foundation of humility.
— ST. AUGUSTINE (354–430), author of The City of God
Even before the advent of the internet, “communication” was the number-one problem identified in surveys of organizational challenges. It’s usually at the top of most lists of personal challenges as well. Let’s begin with a simple exercise that illuminates the problem.
Word-Association Exercise
Please get a piece of blank paper and a pen or use your computer or digital device to make a list numbered 1 to 10. In a moment you’ll get a word to write at the top of the list.
As soon as you’ve written that word, please write the first ten words you think of related to the word at the top. Put down your first ten associations with that top word as quickly as you can, without judging or editing. In a word-association exercise there are no wrong answers.
Ready? The word is: art.
After you complete your ten word associations, consider the associations that might have been written for the same word by one of your peers, your spouse, your best friend, or your boss. How many words would you have in common with that person? Most people are surprised to discover the differences that appear when they compare their results with others’. It’s rare for a group to have much in common at all.
In one group, for example, Jane’s first word was Warhol, the name of her favorite visual artist. Jim’s first association was Garfunkel, a singer whose first name is Art. Dinah wrote martial, as she had just begun studying martial arts, while Roger, an aspiring poet, wrote heart and nine other rhyming words. The group was surprised to discover just how different their associations were.
When a group of accountants did this exercise with similar results, they became very upset. They prided themselves on their uniformity and felt that the diversity of their responses to the word mocked their standardized procedures. In their words, “We’re not artists; we’re accountants.” They insisted that they be given a word that had something to do with their work and that they would then produce greater commonality. When they were given the word money, however, they had even less in common.
Occasionally, people do get one or two words in common, but when you explore the results further and ask them to associate ten words with the shared word, you find that they usually meant something different by the common word after all.
The Paradox Every Leader Needs to Understand
Our associations are unique. Even if we belong to a group classified in some way — accountants, artists, teachers, carpenters, secretaries, doctors, lawyers, or Cajun chefs — each of us is an individual. Each of us, as a result of heredity combined with individual experience, construes the world in our own unique way. We each are gifted with a special ability to experience and express the wonder of being alive. There is no one else like you, no one who can think and create exactly as you do.
This diversity is an important expression of the evolutionary process that helps ensure the survival of the species. Given any type of adverse circumstance that may befall humanity, there is probably someone with the special ability to overcome the challenge.
According to the Population Research Bureau (PRB), approximately 108 billion humans have populated the planet since the advent of the species. Each person who has come and gone was unique, and each of the 7.5 billion people alive today is unique. There’s no one like you in all of human history. The combination of your genetic endowment and the way that genetic material is influenced by your life experience results in a one-of-a-kind phenomenon.
And yet, in so many ways, we are all the same. Our basic human needs — for air, food, shelter, security, esteem, love, and so on — are universal. Everyone, everywhere, in every culture wants respect. Leadership is the art of skillfully meeting universal human needs, including the need to be appreciated for being unique and the need for a sense of belongingness and connection.
UNIQUENESS AND BELONGINGNESS
Jeanine Prime and Elizabeth Salib, of the Catalyst Research Center for Advancing Leader Effectiveness, highlight an important paradox: “Our research was also able to isolate the combination of two separate, underlying sentiments that make employees feel included: uniqueness and belongingness. Employees feel unique when they are recognized for the distinct talents and skills they bring to their teams; they feel they belong when they share important commonalities with coworkers.”
Prime and Salib add: “It’s tricky for leaders to get this balance right, and emphasizing uniqueness too much can diminish employees’ sense of belonging. However, we found that altruism is one of the key attributes of leaders who can coax this balance out of their employees, almost across the board.”
An Art of Infinite Possibility
Our associations are unique, and they are potentially unlimited. Our minds are capable of linking any thought with any other thought. If you doubt this, try to find a word that cannot be linked to the word art. No matter how hard you search for an unrelatable word, you’ll discover that your mind can connect anything to anything else.
The exercise of finding unrelatable words is particularly fun when framed as a competition. For example, when a group of biochemists were challenged to think of a word that “could not, in any way, be related to art,” one clever PhD suggested that antidisestablishmentarianism couldn’t be linked to art. But another erudite member of the group pointed out that the word means “opposition to the disestablishment of orthodox churches,” which opposed, among other things, the practice of many popular arts. Someone else mentioned that the word antidisestablishmentarianism actually contains the letters of the word for art. Another person explained that you can automatically connect this or any other strange word with art as a member of that class of words you don’t normally associate with art.
Your mind can connect anything with anything else and can make a potentially infinite number of connections with any word you hear or read, but your way of associating, of making connections, is unique. This is good news if you are interested in creative thinking. If every individual has the capacity to generate unlimited associations, and each person has a unique way of doing it, then every group possesses vast potential for ideation.
When it comes to the art of connection, however, the implications are daunting, as the potential for misunderstanding in any communication is also unlimited. My mind is capable of making an unlimited number of associations with every single word that you say, and if your way of saying things and my way of hearing things is unique to each of us, it begins to seem amazing that we can communicate at all.
When we depend on words primarily, misunderstanding is to be expected. One reason that relationships seem to be degrading is that many people rely increasingly on text and email as their means of relating with others. But emoticons do not serve as effective substitutes for the body language, voice tonality, and eye contact that help us understand the context and meaning of words.
Even with the benefit of context, misunderstanding is pandemic. How many times have you had the experience of carefully explaining something to someone, watching him nod in apparent understanding, and seeing him do something entirely different from what you thought you’d agreed upon?
The Telephone Game
Much of our communication is reminiscent of the children’s game Telephone, which was a popular party activity when I was a child. I didn’t imagine then that I would employ it with groups of corporate executives many years later and that it would be a hilarious and memorable team-building activity that also illuminates a fundamental difficulty in communication.
The game works best with a group of eight or more people. It begins when the facilitator whispers a phrase into the ear of the first player, who then turns and whispers it into the ear of the next person, and so on. (The whisper should be soft enough so that only the intended recipient can hear the message.) After the message goes around, the last person to receive it states the message aloud. Invariably, the original phrase goes through so much distortion in the process of sharing that the final product is not only different from the original, but often hilariously so.
For example, in a recent session, a group of twelve bankers managed to turn “Robots randomly write regulatory rulebooks” into “Blue bots rewrite regular glory books on domes.” The game is amusing and highlights the extent to which our communication is subject to radical misunderstanding.
THE ILLUSION OF TRANSPARENCY
If you tapped out a familiar song like “Happy Birthday” or the national anthem on a table or even directly on a friend’s arm, how likely do you think it is that your friend can guess the tune you are tapping? In a dissertation entitled “Overconfidence in the Communication of Intent: Heard and Unheard Melodies,” Elizabeth Newton found that subjects believed that the song they tapped would be guessed correctly by their partners about half the time, but the study showed that the tune was guessed accurately in only 3 percent of trials.
Psychologists call this phenomenon the illusion of transparency. Since we think we know what we mean when we say something, we tend to imagine that it’s clear to others as well. But just as most people can’t decode the tune you tap for them, our potential for clear communication remains untapped when we assume that others understand what we intend to communicate.
The Grand Illusion
I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.
— ROBERT MCCLOSKEY, former U.S. State Department spokesman
What’s the single greatest problem in communication? The illusion that it has taken place successfully! The illusion is pandemic. Misunderstanding, predicated on inaccurate assumptions, is the default setting in human relationships.
Instead of assuming that you have effectively understood someone else or been understood yourself, you can minimize misunderstanding and build relationships more effectively by embracing humility.
Humility Is the Soul of Leadership
I stand here before you not as a prophet, but as a humble servant of you, the people.
— NELSON MANDELA (1918–2013), former president of South Africa, on February 11, 1990, the day of his release after twenty-seven years of imprisonment
If you are humble, then you will be more curious and open to learning the art of connection. You will be poised to enrich your life by building better relationships.
Humility is the catalyst of curiosity. Curiosity is the driver of continuous learning. Continuous learning is the key to developing the relationship-building skills every leader needs now. Give up assuming that you know what others are thinking and feeling. Assume that you don’t know and become curious to learn.
In a recent Harvard Business Review article, Jeanine Prime and Elizabeth Salib explain why today’s best leaders have to be humble: “In a global marketplace where problems are increasingly complex, no one person will ever have all the answers.” Reporting on a study of more than fifteen hundred global associates of multinational companies, they conclude that humility is a critical leadership factor and that it is especially important “for creating an environment where employees from different demographic backgrounds feel included.”
What are the specific behaviors associated with being perceived as a humble leader? The key elements include:
• encouraging dialogue instead of debate
• modeling curiosity by asking questions
• welcoming feedback
Prime and Salib conclude: “When leaders showcase their own personal growth, they legitimize the growth and learning of others; by admitting to their own imperfections, they make it okay for others to be fallible, too.”
Bill George, former CEO of Medtronic, a professor at Harvard Business School, and the author of Discover Your True North, agrees. He writes, “The finest leaders are keenly aware of their limitations and the importance of teams around them in creating their success.” George confesses that early in his career he wasn’t humble and admits that his insecurities drove him to act as though he was invulnerable and that he could solve any problem independently.
As he matured, he realized that humility allowed him to connect more effectively with others and thereby to bring out the best in the people he led. He explains:
As my inner confidence grew, I no longer needed to have all the answers or try to impress others with what I had done. I freely admitted my mistakes and learned that doing so enabled others to acknowledge their errors. I recognized vulnerability is power.…As I did so, people gained greater confidence in my leadership and expressed increased desire to join me in common pursuits.
HUMILITY IS A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE
In a report entitled “Expressed Humility in Organizations: Implications for Performance, Teams, and Leadership,” Bradley Owens and his colleagues emphasize that humility is more than just a virtue; it’s a critical key to high performance and effective leadership. Their studies reveal that humble leaders are more effective at facilitating employee engagement and encouraging a collaborative approach to learning.
The research team defined humility as “an interpersonal characteristic that emerges in social contexts that connotes (a) a manifested willingness to view oneself accurately, (b) a displayed appreciation of others’ strengths and contributions, and (c) teachability.” They developed a method to measure this characteristic and then utilized it to predict academic and job performance.
Previous research showed that diligence and intelligence were the best indicators of performance. But the surprising result of this study was that humility was an even better predictor.
If humility comes naturally to you, then you have an advantage. If it doesn’t, however, there’s no need to despair, as the researchers also report that it’s a quality you can cultivate. As the Foster School blog concludes, cultivating humility “might just make us more effective at school, at play, and in the workplace.”
Is Vulnerability Weakness or Power?
In a seminar for construction managers, the group engaged in a discussion about the importance of seeking input from work crews on job sites. Joe, a veteran senior project manager, asked, “Won’t my people think I’m weak if I ask for their ideas?” This led to a passionate discussion in which many of the younger participants shared their belief that when a boss asks for their contributions, they feel respected and included. As a result, they see this as a sign of strength.
As the discussion continued, it also became clear that, although the more junior members of the group preferred it when their suggestions were acted upon, the most important point was that they felt acknowledged. As one assistant supervisor expressed it: “It is so much better when the line of communication is open, and I feel that I’m being listened to, that someone actually gives a shit.”
In the old days of top-down hierarchy, Joe’s concern about asking and listening may have been well founded, but that world is fading. Now being open to the influence of others is a key to expanding your influence. American educator and author Stephen R. Covey (1932–2012) emphasizes: “You become vulnerable. It’s a paradox…because in order to have influence, you have to be influenced.”
In her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené Brown argues that “vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.” She refers to vulnerability as the birthplace of creativity, innovation, and change.
CEO of the Charles Schwab Corporation, Walt Bettinger, adds that a leader’s real power comes from touching people’s hearts and that his growth as a leader demanded that he develop qualities that initially seemed “completely unnatural.” As he told the New York Times, “It requires transparency, authenticity, vulnerability.”
Vulnerable is derived from the Latin vulnerare, “to wound.” Synonyms for vulnerable include weak, helpless, defenseless, sitting duck, and sucker. Bettinger and Brown aren’t suggesting that you be a sucker or a sitting duck. Vulnerability isn’t timidity or weakness. Rather, it’s an acknowledgment that we are sensitive, alive, and affected emotionally by our interactions and experiences.
More helpful words to express this quality include:
Accessible
Available
Approachable
Open
Present
Receptive
Responsive
Unarmored
When we are open and accessible, we are able to connect with ourselves, and we make it much easier for others to connect with us.
I learned this lesson years ago, and it was a turning point in my life both personally and professionally. When I was thirty, my career was blossoming. I’d learned how to say wise words and make a positive impression on clients, but my life, especially in the area of intimate relationships, was reflecting the need for personal growth. Although I’d done considerable work on my mind and body, my emotional center hadn’t received the same amount of attention. This discrepancy seemed to be playing out in a series of less than fulfilling relationships. After rationalizing that I just hadn’t met the right person, I began to consider my own responsibility and asked: “How can I become the right person?”
On the recommendation of a friend whose advice I heeded due to the searing accuracy of her critical feedback, I went to see a psychotherapist. This was a stretch since, having been raised by a therapist, going to therapy as a child, and studying psychology for years both academically and practically, I was skeptical, and probably arrogant, about the prospect of finding someone I’d respect.
The minute I walked into Dr. Mort Herskowitz’s office, my skepticism and arrogance vanished. There was something about his penetrating gaze, purity of attention, and ease within himself that made it clear, as soon as he looked at me, that I couldn’t fool him, and I soon discovered that in his presence I couldn’t fool myself. He wasn’t interested in anything that wasn’t authentic. Mort was an uncompromising mirror of the self.
An osteopathic physician and psychiatrist, Mort trained for nine years with Wilhelm Reich (1897–1957), the legendary pioneer of depth psychology. I had studied Reich’s theory of character armor, the idea that our stresses and traumas stay locked in our muscles and viscera, but believed I had sorted all that out through years of various mind and body practices. Wrong!
I worked with Mort for the better part of the next twenty years, during which time he helped me surface and fully experience the anxiety, fear, shame, and anger that I didn’t even know I had. Where did all this originate? Perhaps it was inherited? Or maybe it came from unresolved childhood frustrations? I don’t know. The work with Mort didn’t focus on analyzing or understanding the causes; rather, it was about releasing the armor and experiencing more openness and aliveness. As difficult as this was — and it’s probably the most difficult work I’ve ever done — it was liberating.
As I learned to breathe through the armoring, energy began moving through me in a new way, like water flowing through a fire hose when the kinks are removed. Although I experienced emotions that were far from pleasant, I invariably left Mort’s office with a sense of greater connectedness to myself, the people in my life, and all of creation. The leaves of the trees on his Philadelphia street corner always looked greener and the light outside always seemed brighter when I left his office. And when the dark and frightening feelings were brought to light, they subsided and were replaced by waves of joy, gratitude, and appreciation. I started seeing Mort in the days before cell phones and email, but on the corner opposite his office was a pay phone. After each session I’d find myself picking up that phone and calling someone in my life to say, “I love you.” This wasn’t the expression of a superficial sentimentality, but rather an experience, at the core of my being, that loving connection is the underpinning of life.
Wilhelm Reich, Mort’s teacher, wrote, “The armored, mechanistically rigid person thinks mechanistically, produces mechanistic tools, and forms a mechanistic conception of nature.” In our complex and often crazy world we may feel the need to armor ourselves against the onslaught of noxious stimuli. The danger is that, as Reich warned, the armoring becomes our default setting, blocking our ability to connect with ourselves and others in a genuine way.
Working with Mort, I discovered a profound paradox. When I released my armoring and felt most open and accessible, I discovered the source of inner confidence and connection. Vulnerability is power, because being open and accessible makes real connection possible. You can work on this in therapy for decades or practice it in your everyday interactions.
CAVEAT: “TAKE CARE THAT YOUR VIRTUES BE GENUINE”
Don’t be so humble. You’re not that great.
— GOLDA MEIR (1898–1978), legendary Israeli prime minister, to one of her government ministers who had made a cloyingly inauthentic attempt at a self-deprecating remark
There is an affected humility more insufferable than downright pride, as hypocrisy is more abominable than libertinism.
Take care that your virtues be genuine.
— ARTHUR MARTINE (ca. 1840–1902), arbiter of etiquette, on fake humility
Develop the Common Touch
A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
— DAVE BARRY, humorist
One day I took a break from writing this book and went to the grocery store. At checkout, I placed my romaine lettuce, pears, cheeses, eggs, olives, and artichoke hearts on the conveyor belt, and when the person before me finished paying, I eased forward and slid my credit card in the machine. I looked up at the cashier anticipating a greeting. He averted his eyes. I was surprised that he didn’t ask me the usual questions: “How are you today?” and, “Did you find everything okay?”
I felt a chill, and a sense of alienation. Then I thought: “Hey, I’m writing this book on the art of connection, and I’ve just written all these notes about accessibility and openness. Maybe there’s a way to connect with this guy who looks like he might be having a rough day.”
During this inner dialogue, I noticed the prominent display of an impulse item next to the register — a snack bar made of bison, cranberries, and bacon. This seemed laughably disgusting to me, and I wondered what the cashier thought. So I decided, on impulse, to risk connecting. I asked him, “Do people really buy this? Have you tried it?”
“The flavors are actually pretty decent,” he said, still looking rather grim, “but the texture is disgusting!”
We both cracked up laughing as we exchanged a gleeful glance. I hope it brightened his day. I know it brightened mine.
Practicing the art of connection in such small, seemingly insignificant everyday actions is the key to being able to utilize it when you’re confronting a challenge with someone at work or a crisis in any relationship. As you explore building rapport with cashiers, waiters, and others, you’ll be setting the stage for greater skill in building the relationships that matter the most, whether in business or at home. If you’re a cashier, you’ll strengthen your immune system and elevate your mood through making positive connections with customers. If you’re a waiter, you’ll do more than raise oxytocin levels; you’ll also receive bigger tips.
Psychologist Leo Buscaglia (1924–98), known affectionately as Dr. Love, was devoted to helping others focus on what really matters in life. He commented on the power of seemingly minor everyday interactions: “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” Imagine the goodwill, engagement, and brand loyalty generated by an organization that harnesses this power.
HQCS: A LEADERSHIP SECRET FOR MANAGING ENERGY
The launch party for Arianna Huffington’s Thrive Global in downtown New York City was a madhouse! Thumping loud music, way too many people jostling around in the space, massive sensory overload. In the midst of the craziness, I was introduced to Abby Levy, the CEO of Thrive. Abby did something that transformed my experience of the evening: for the twenty seconds we spoke she gave me her full attention. (And she generously offered a private tour at a quieter time.) In a graceful and efficient way, she recognized my existence. It was a moment of I–Thou.
These brief moments, like my interaction with the cashier, can make a surprising difference in the quality of our lives and our effectiveness as leaders, according to Jane Dutton, professor of business administration and psychology at the University of Michigan Ross School of Business and coauthor of How to Be a Positive Leader: Small Actions, Big Impact. After studying the phenomenon of successful leadership for decades, Dutton concludes, “Leaders can bring out the best in themselves and others through high-quality connections (HQCs).”
How do you know you’ve had an HQC? Dutton invites us to consider:
Think of the last time an interaction at work literally lit you up. Before the interaction, you may have felt depleted, tired, or simply neutral. After the interaction, even if it was brief, you had a greater energy and capability for action. This sense of heightened energy is real, and it is an important indicator that you are engaged in a high-quality connection.
Dutton and her colleagues make a compelling, evidence-based case for the benefits of HQCs. They’ve shown that people who have more high-quality connections:
• are physically and psychologically healthier.
• display greater cognitive functioning and broader capabilities for thinking.
• are more open to learning.
• are more creative and engaged at work.
For organizations, the implications are profound. Dutton explains that HQCs promote “organizational effectiveness in terms of greater efficiency and higher-quality performance.” She adds, “The beauty of high-quality connections is they do not require significant time to build, because they can be created in the moment.”
Adopt an HQC Mindset
In 1982, author Anne Herbert jotted down the phrase “Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty” in a creative reinterpretation designed as an antidote to media reports of “random acts of violence and senseless acts of cruelty.” Herbert’s musing led to a book entitled Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty and innumerable bumper stickers, T-shirts, and graffiti.
One of the simplest ways to practice the art of connection is to look for opportunities to perform acts of intentional, deliberate connection and kindness in daily life. Smile and make eye contact with the teller at the bank and the clerk at the pharmacy. Hold a door open, slow down to allow another driver to enter your lane, offer your seat on a crowded subway, help someone get carry-on luggage down from the overhead bin. Notice how you feel when you do these simple acts. You’ll delight others, but you’ll also find that you feel better, more energized and connected.
ON HIGH-QUALITY CONNECTIONS
Positive emotions compound quickly, and these short-term meaningful interactions stay in people’s minds. It may be as brief as looking at each other with mutual positive regard.
— JANE DUTTON and MONICA WORLINE, Awakening Compassion at Work: The Quiet Power That Elevates People and Organizations
All Souls Are Created Equal
When I was in my twenties and just starting out in my career in London, I was invited to tea by the CEO of a large mining company at the fabled East India Club in St. James Square. I’d never been to a British gentlemen’s club before and was concerned about the proper etiquette, so I consulted my friend Yogesh, an immigrant from Mumbai who was an expert in all things British. Yogesh’s most important advice, which he shared in his flawless Oxford English, was: “Whatever you do, do not thank the servants.”
What a perfect evocation of the hierarchical, stratified world of the British Raj! Mahatma Gandhi (1869–1948), the catalyst of the demise of the Raj, offered very different counsel when he was the editor of a magazine in South Africa and a woman wrote to him to ask advice on assessing the character of the fiancé her parents had arranged for her. Gandhi suggested that rather than focusing on his treatment of her, she would learn much more if she observed the way he treated his servants.
Over the years I’ve worked closely with a number of people as they rose through the ranks of large organizations, and a number of these individuals became CEOs. All of them, without exception, are generous, kind, and considerate toward people at all levels. They all have what Nobel Laureate Rudyard Kipling (1865–1936), in his poetic meditation on what it means to be a self-actualized human, called “the common touch”:
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings — nor lose the common touch…
In a 2016 interview, Schwab CEO Walt Bettinger describes the most important lesson he learned in business school. It came through a final exam for which he had prepared diligently, in the hope of maintaining his perfect 4.0 grade average, by memorizing formulas and details of case studies. Bettinger was surprised when he was handed just one blank piece of paper the top of which read: “I’ve taught you everything I can teach you about business in the last ten weeks, but the most important message, the most important question, is this: What’s the name of the lady who cleans this building?”
Bettinger explains: “It was the only test I ever failed.…Her name was Dottie, and I didn’t know Dottie. I’d seen her, but I’d never taken the time to ask her name. And that had a powerful impact.…I’ve tried to know every Dottie I’ve worked with ever since. It was just a great reminder of what really matters in life.”
A MASTER OF THE COMMON TOUCH: “YOU ARE ONE OF US.”
Jack Meyer, affectionately known as “Bear,” is a successful Santa Fe–based art dealer, real-estate investor, accomplished chef, and all-around legendary character. A master storyteller, he seems to know everyone, everywhere, and shares spellbinding stories to match any occasion. But he offers much more than just talk.
Do you need tickets to a show that is sold out? Need an appraisal for a painting you inherited from your grandmother? Need to raise money for your start-up business? Would you like to meet the coolest people at Burning Man? Need help negotiating a deal that will result in benefits for all parties? Bear can help.
Many years ago he was an entrepreneur in the global cannabis trade, championing the mind-altering and healing properties of the then contraband substance. He transitioned to other means of support after a short stay in prison. The prescribed sentence for his offense was more than twenty years, but he charmed the court into extreme lenience. In prison, he organized and prepared home-cooked meals and served as the unofficial facilitator of a support group to help prepare his fellow inmates for life outside.
