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Michael N Marcus
Do As I Say, Not As I Did
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The Best Advice I Can Give You
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Money
Many years ago my “Grandma Del”—who endured the Great Depression—taught me something that I didn’t appreciate until I was collecting Social Security.
One time I hosted about a dozen people for a meal at a restaurant. The check seemed a bit higher than I expected, but I paid it and gave a nice tip. The next morning I looked over the check and found out that the restaurant automatically added an “18% gratuity for parties of six or more.” I could not ask for the waiter to give me back the extra tip.
It seems that every week or two there’s another company that promises to provide the absolute lowest prices for airfares, car rentals and hotel rooms.
When I was considering renting an apartment in a new building, the rental agent told me that the price of an apartment went up $6 for each floor above ground. A tenant told me that she was told her price would be the same for any floor. I got the agent to waive the fee.
If you are buying a house in a private community or renting a home, leisurely and carefully study all the documents before making the deal. You may find that there are conditions—such as a prohibition against a home-based business or parking a motor home in your driveway—that you can’t accept.
We have an expensive, custom-made cover on our in-ground pool. Hunter, our dog, often walks on it and naps on it.
I asked about the elephant and was snottily told that elephants don’t have toenails like dogs do and that if my dog was going to go on the pool cover he should wear soft booties. Sure.
Some years ago my house was burglarized, and among the purloined property was a tool box filled with my nice Craftsman tools. Our home was insured by Allstate. Allstate, like Craftsman, was part of Sears at that time.
One time I was surprisingly turned down for a credit card and I got a copy of my credit report to find out why I was rejected.
When I lived in Westchester County, New York I got TV service from Cablevision. I had 14 TV sets. Eight of them were connected to cable boxes which had monthly fees, and six of them were connected directly to the cable, and were not charged for.
AT&T once sent me a nine-cent refund check. The cost to process and send the check was probably a couple of bucks. I had not canceled service and the nine cents could have been credited to my next bill. I kept the check as a souvenir.
When I canceled my Sprint cellphone service the company owed my about $12. I requested a refund several times over several months but it never arrived. One rep even promised to pay me with a personal check just to make me go away. His money never arrived.
(Not about money, but about a bank, so it goes in this section.) When I lived in the Bronx I had checking and savings accounts at a nearby branch of Citibank.
Many restaurants and stores have weekly or daily “specials” that are items that the business chooses to promote—but they are not less expensive than the regular price.
You can sometimes get a better deal, or a discount for paying cash, not just at retail stores (small and large) but even for landscaping, plumbing, moving, dentistry and surgery.
If you pay cash, you may pay too much. You can even use your credit card at Dunkin’ Donuts and the Post Office and earn reward points for trips and toys, or a rebate, depending on the card.
When you’re in your teens, twenties, thirties and forties, it’s easy to justify spending one, ten, twenty or a hundred dollars on brief experiences or exciting things.
In the USA, Individual Retirement Accounts allow tax-deductible investing for future financial security. IRA “contributions” may be made until the due date for filing your return, not including extensions, which is usually April 15th.
However, if you need to buy food it’s much easier to liquidate an IRA than to sell a piece of a house.
Many companies offer various shipping options ranging from “early tomorrow morning” to “we’re not sure when it will get there,” at different prices for people with different priorities.
•When you don’t need money, banks love to loan you money. When do you need money, they act deaf, blind and stupid. •If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was worth the $20. •No two families with the same incomes and same fixed expenses will spend their money the same way.
•Supermarkets often promote items with prices like “Two for $5” or “Ten for $10.” That implies a quantity discount but you can usually get the same unit price if you buy just one box of crackers or bottle of soda.
•If you lend more than a hundred bucks to someone—including a relative—put the deal in writing, with signatures and dates, ideally with a witness. •If you file your tax return late, you may have to pay a big penalty—even if the government owes you money. •If you owe money to the IRS, talk to them, don’t hide or run away. You can probably make a deal to pay off a tax debt with surprisingly low interest without paying for the services of an “expert.” •Most of the people I’ve dealt with at IRS are friendly, understanding, compassionate and even logical. •Every year or so use a video camera to make a movie of your home. Open closets and drawers, recording everything, and store the recording outside your home. It could be critical if you have to prove that you actually possessed something that was stolen or destroyed.
•The worst room in a good hotel is probably better than the best room in a bad hotel.
•When specifying loan or mortgage payments, make them a bit lower than what you think are comfortable. You may have trouble making payments in the future but if the scheduled payments are low, you are unlikely to default. If you find that you have more money than expected, you can pay more than planned and pay off the loan early.
•If you find surprisingly good deals on something you want to buy—particularly a camera or electronic product—check to see if the bargains are “gray goods” or “parallel imports.” These are products not intended for the country in which they are being sold. They often lack the manufacturer’s warranty, may have different features from the models intended for use in your country, may not comply with government regulations and may not be compatible with other items (including accessories and software) you want to use with them.
This not a book about insurance but I will give a few tips:
Companies keep building casinos because most gamblers lose money. If a friend tells you that she just won $3,000 at a casino she probably won’t tell you that she lost $20,000 in the previous few months.
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Parenting
What’s the point of teaching a new human being bad speech habits that will have to be unlearned later? “Me go bye-bye” may be acceptable Pidgin English, but won’t help a kid get into Yale.
When I was a kid I asked my father why people didn’t fall down when riding a bicycle without training wheels. Pop told me that the riders were going so fast that they just didn’t have enough time to fall down. I thought about that for a few seconds and when I remembered that slow cyclists didn’t fall down I knew that Pop was conning me.
When he was about two years old, my mother bought my brother Marshall a pair of red shoes that he hated. He really wanted blue shoes, but they were unavailable in his size.
Some people inherit royal crowns. Some inherit billions. Others inherit Tay-Sachs disease, muscular dystrophy or fructose intolerance.
Years ago my brother did something that really upset our mother. She got so enraged that she kicked him in the ass—and broke three toes.
When I went home from college to visit my parents, I frequently got really bad migraine headaches.
My mother often bragged about the diverse foods she ate and she apparently thrived on weird stuff like kale, okra and Brussels sprouts.
I had expensive hobbies when I was young. I financed my SCUBA diving equipment by diving for lost golf balls in the ponds at country clubs. I paid for my cameras by developing film for neighbors. I had an allowance but started earning additional money when I was ten and knew that my allowance would stop when I became old enough to have a job on my 16th birthday.
I spent my first six years in the Bronx. From the time I was three I was allowed to walk alone to a nearby grocery store to shop for my mother. I never had trouble—but that’s probably dangerous now.
Encourage mildly risky behavior like camping, surfing, climbing trees, skiing, SCUBA diving and doing tricks on bicycles.
I knew a single father who worked for the state government and scheduled his vacations years in advance. Because of his seniority and accumulated “leave” time he often got two or even three consecutive weeks off.
If a child does something well, don’t just brag about her or him; tell her or him how proud you are.
Some parents try to get their kids improperly labeled as immature so they’ll start school a year late, and will be older than—and perhaps have an advantage over—classmates of the proper age.
Stamp collecting teaches history, math, geography and graphic design and might even make money for the collector.
Be funny. When I was a kid my father taught me to sing The Sheik of Araby inserting “with no pants on” after each phrase.
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