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AUTHORS’ NOTES

My co-author, Michael Gerber (if that is his name) wrote this book with me under false pretenses. First, he told me that he spent a significant portion of his childhood in a small town in Missouri, but it turns out that he moved to Chicago for high school. Then, he said he was raised Christian, but any decent, God-fearing person knows that “Unitarian” is Liberal for “Satanist.”

This book is the work of the Horned One. I disavow it completely.

—Mitchell Creepo

May 2011

When I was four, I had an imaginary friend named Marie. Marie was a staunch Democrat (like my mom), and even went so far as to live in Vietnam and get bombed by President Nixon. My family found this very amusing and lovable.

They did not, however, write a bestselling book saying that Marie was real and that I should become Secretary of State. What a difference thirty-eight years make, eh?

I’m sorry Mr. Creepo feels ill-used. Might I suggest forgiving me, as I assume Christ would have.

—Michael Gerber

May 2011

And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites [are]: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen [do]: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

—JESUS OF NAZARETH