Читать книгу None Shall Divide Us - Michael Stone - Страница 6

I AM A PROUD LOYALIST AND THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. IT IS A STATEMENT OF FACT, NOT A DEFIANT SALUTE. I am British and I am a Loyalist and will be both of these things until I die. At the age of sixteen I put myself forward for a cause I believed in with all my heart. I remain proud of that fact but I am not proud of my actions. I am not proud that four men died by my hand.

I grew up with a sectarian war on my doorstep and I couldn’t watch evil things being done, such as Enniskillen, La Mon and the Abercorn, and not do something about it. It is impossible for me to think that I would have never become a volunteer. Before long, terrorism became a way of life for me. I lived on the edge. I knew what my capabilities were. I knew I had the power to take life and to grant mercy, but I was never indiscriminate, unlike the Provisional IRA.

This book is an attempt to explain my actions as a volunteer and a retaliatory soldier. By committing the story of my life to paper, I am taking responsibility for my past. I am acknowledging that I caused pain to four families when I took their loved one away from them.

To the families of Patrick Brady, Thomas McErlean, John Murray and Kevin Brady I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you never got to say goodbye to your son, husband, boyfriend, father and brother because of me. I deeply regret the hurt I caused the families of the men I killed. I regret that I had to kill. I believed at the time that it was necessary. There is nothing I can do to take away the pain I have inflicted. There is a lot of hurt out there and I am responsible. Much of that hurt comes from my actions as a paramilitary. I don’t see myself as a criminal. I committed crimes as an Ulsterman and a British citizen and that was regrettable but unavoidable.

To the families of Kevin McPolin and Dermot Hackett I am also sorry for your loss.

I didn’t choose killing as a career; killing chose me. I hated bullies. When I was a young boy and saw someone being bullied at school or work, I always stepped in. As I grew older and started to form opinions, I realised Republicans were bullies, nothing more and nothing less, who took life after innocent life and no one seemed interested in stopping them. I put myself forward as a volunteer, thinking my actions could change things.

This book is also an attempt to explain the bigger picture: why young men from my community felt duty-bound to take up arms. It is a shocking account of the grim business I was engaged in for almost thirty years. There is nothing romantic about taking a life in defence of your community. It is a cold and brutal act. When a person dies, a little part of you dies too. I want to share that horror as a reminder that we must never look back. All of us must keep our eyes fixed on the road ahead, not the dark paths behind us.

Maturity is a wonderful gift. It is only now as I face the autumn of my life that I really understand. I understand what motivated Republicans. They saw grave injustices being perpetrated on their community and they lashed out. They were angry young Catholic men and no different from me, an angry young Protestant man who saw terrible crimes being perpetrated on his community.

I committed some terrible crimes over the years and I did it in the name of Ulster and in the name of my Britishness. Republicans committed some terrible crimes over the years and they did it in the name of their Irishness. That’s the nature of the beast we call war.

Looking back, I can hardly believe that I did those things and lived the life I led. It is like peering into the life of a stranger. But it is my history, the history of Michael Anthony Stone. The person who emerges from these pages is not likeable and he is not attractive. This book shows a young man eaten up with anger and filled with hate for anonymous names on intelligence files. It shows a ruthless man, dedicated to his cause and ready to take life for what he believed in.

This is a true account of my life as a Loyalist volunteer. It is a shock to revisit my past, and writing this book has brought it all back. I have also realised that you can’t kill a political persuasion, just a human being. You can’t kill an identity, just a much-missed father and son. These people live on in their loved ones.

My war is over. I am no longer willing or able to take a life for what I believe in. I am like an old dinosaur. I hope I can slip into obscurity, but I honestly believe I will die as I lived, with a bullet in my head. When it comes, I hope my death is quick and I hope it is over in seconds. I also hope none of my family or friends are with me when it happens. An old paramilitary saying comes to mind:

If I go forward I die.

If I go back I die.

I’ll go forward and die.

Michael Stone

May 2004