Читать книгу Extra Time - Michelle Betham - Страница 12

‘Is something wrong?’ Ellen turned over onto her side, reaching out to gently stroke Ryan’s rough chin, running her fingers lightly over stubble that was fast turning back into a beard. ‘You look – distracted.’

‘I’m just tired,’ he sighed, taking her hand in his and bringing it up to his lips, kissing it quickly, throwing her the famous Fisher grin. He was distracted, but she didn’t need to know that. The last thing he needed was for her to get even a whiff of anything he was up to. The fewer people who were involved in all of this the better. For now. ‘It was a tough match yesterday.’ He also had a slight hangover due to the glasses of Jack Daniels he’d downed last night once he’d got home from London, before he’d called her and asked her to come over. Something he hoped hadn’t sent out the wrong message. He’d just needed to be with someone, that was all. He’d come home to an empty apartment and hadn’t fancied his own company all that much. End of story. No other reason.

‘Yeah, but Newcastle Red Star won, didn’t they? Thanks to you.’

He smiled at her. His beautiful Ellen. He’d met her just minutes before he’d set eyes on Amber, just over twelve months ago. She worked in the PR department at Tynebridge and she’d been the one who’d taken him to his first ever interview as a Newcastle Red Star player inside the ground that day – the day that had started the whole crazy journey this past year had taken him on. She’d known exactly what he was like back then, and even after his almost catastrophic breakdown, she was still there. Still willing to give him another chance, despite his sketchy past. Didn’t she deserve something from him to let her know he was grateful? That he was glad she was around? Because he was. Deep down inside, he was grateful she was there – beautiful, tolerant, and red hot in bed. His perfect woman. Almost. But the thought of taking that one step further towards a second stab at commitment still scared him. Especially with what might lie ahead.

‘So, what are you up to today?’ Ryan asked, quickly moving the subject away from his slightly sombre mood. He had a lot on his mind, but nothing he needed to share with her just yet.

‘Well, I thought I’d nip into town, meet the girls, do a little bit of shopping, then…’ She smiled, letting her hand move down until her fingers were touching him, wrapping themselves around him, ‘… then I thought I’d come back here and see if you wanted to play out tonight. Or stay in. It’s up to you.’

He couldn’t help smiling, too. She had her hand wrapped around his dick, what else was he supposed to do? He wasn’t going to piss her off, that was for sure. Despite the fact he was more than enjoying her company right now, he had plans for tonight, and they didn’t involve her. But she didn’t have to know that. Not yet, anyway. He could let her down gently later, and not face-to-face. That was the beauty of text messaging.

‘Maybe you’d like to show me what you have in mind.’ He grinned, stroking her blonde hair away from her face. ‘You up for that?’ Because he certainly was. Literally.

‘Oh, absolutely,’ she whispered, her mouth almost touching his. ‘I’m up for anything.’

And all that was left for Ryan to do was close his eyes and let her take him some place where his problems didn’t exist.

‘You look worried,’ Amber said, sitting down opposite Jim at the kitchen table. She’d only been home half an hour after an early, and thankfully quick, flight back up north from London. ‘Has something happened I don’t know about?’

Jim looked up sharply. Did she know already? How could she? As far as he was aware there’d been nothing leaked publicly yet about his son’s debut for Wearside Spartans that afternoon. But he knew he couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. Time was up. He’d been embarrassingly naive over all of this, burying his head in the sand over something that was never going to go away or disappear, so he deserved everything that Amber could quite possibly throw at him. And he felt sick at the thought.

‘Amber, I… I really need to talk to you.’

She took a sip of her tea, looking at him over the rim of her favourite pink mug. For a girl who’d grown up very much a tomboy she really did have the most contradictory taste as far as some things were concerned. ‘Oh yeah? What about?’

He swallowed hard, turning away for a second. He couldn’t do this right now. He just couldn’t. He needed a little more time, just a half hour more. He needed time to get his head together. ‘I missed you last night.’ His eyes met hers again and she smiled at him.

‘Are you all right? Only, you seem a bit weird. A bit distracted.’

‘Did you miss me?’

‘Of course I missed you. But I only saw you on Friday. Jim, what’s going on?’

‘Come here,’ he whispered.

She frowned, putting her mug down and walking over to him. He held out his hand, pulling her down so she was sitting astride him.

‘You know how much I love you, don’t you?’

‘Of course I do. Jim…’

He stopped her from talking by kissing her slowly, his hands resting in the small of her back, his fingers snaking up under her shirt, touching naked skin. She flinched slightly, but she didn’t pull away. All it took was one kiss and she was under his spell once more, but she wasn’t complaining. She loved this – kissing him, feeling his fingers on her skin as those wonderfully familiar tiny tingles shot through her. And who was she kidding anyway? She’d dreamt about this happening from the second she’d woken up that morning; dreamt about him welcoming her home with his deep and dirty kisses, and a whole lot more. They had time, before they headed out to watch Wearside Spartans’ first game of the season. They had plenty of time.

‘I love you, too.’ She smiled at him, her thumb gently stroking his cheek. ‘So, have you got me over here for anything in particular, or was that it? Just a kiss?’

‘What do you think?’

‘I think you’re not the kind of man to do anything half-heartedly. So I probably need to get naked, am I right?’ She hoped she was right.

He felt his heart start to race faster, and he tried to push the feelings of guilt to the back of his mind so that he could enjoy this delaying tactic – because that’s all it was. A delaying tactic. Once they’d made love he still had to tell her. Did he think that by having sex first she’d be less likely to be shocked or angry? Less likely to hate him for lying to her again? He didn’t really know what to think, he just knew that he wanted to be with her for one more uncomplicated fuck before the shit hit the fan.

‘You are so right.’ He smiled at her. ‘But let me do it, okay? Let me help you get naked.’

She felt her stomach dip and her skin break out in those all-familiar goose bumps as she climbed off him, backing up against the breakfast bar as he stood up and moved closer, running his fingers gently along her collarbone, round to the back of her neck, pulling her forward for another, harder kiss. He began slowly unbuttoning her shirt, his mouth still on hers as he pushed it back off her shoulders, his lips moving down to lightly kiss the base of her throat, and she kept her eyes closed, enjoying every single touch, every second of him being this close. She was still making up for all those lost years, and she wasn’t done catching up yet. She wasn’t sure she ever would be.

Biting down on her lip to stifle a groan, she felt him unhook her bra and toss it aside, his mouth moving ever lower. It was now touching her breasts, covering them in kisses until she thought she was going to explode, but he wasn’t even close to being done yet. As he moved even lower, she buried her fingers in his hair as he crouched down, sliding her jeans down over her long legs. She stepped out of them, kicking them aside, throwing her head back and letting that groan finally escape as he hooked his fingers into her panties, pulling them down so slowly she thought she was going to orgasm right there and then.

She was so ready now. Ready to take him, hard and fast, the only way she wanted him this morning. Even the shortest of time away from him made her want him like crazy, so much so that sometimes she felt like a teenager who’d just discovered sex for the very first time and now couldn’t get enough of it. Jim Allen had turned her from a woman who’d once been quite indifferent to sex into someone who was now bordering on obsessed. And she was going to enjoy it while it lasted because she wasn’t naive enough to think these feelings would last forever. Things would settle, they’d calm down. But she wasn’t ready to let that happen just yet.

In one swift movement he’d lifted her up onto the breakfast bar, quickly freeing himself before spreading her legs wide, pushing inside her as though he hadn’t been there in ages. She could almost feel the desperation flooding out of him and into her as he thrust hard, rocking her whole body. And with every thrust she remembered how it had all started, this almost lifelong need she had for Jim Allen. How from the second he’d first touched her she’d known he was the only man she’d ever want, and even when he’d hurt her, when he’d taken everything from her and thrown it all back in her face, still she couldn’t let him go. So now she finally had him, now he was finally hers, she was going to enjoy him. Now she could remember those early days, the way he’d used to make love to her, the way he’d touched her, kissed her, she could remember those days now without it tearing her apart inside.

It was over in minutes, the inevitable full-on finale complete with cries of pain and pleasure and the requisite white-hot climax that brought with it an endgame that Amber couldn’t live without, not now. If this was all suddenly to go away she really didn’t think she’d be able to cope. So she let the sensations take over, let the feeling of him still inside her last for as long as it possibly could, and he didn’t seem in any hurry to withdraw, resting his forehead against hers as they waited for their breathing to slow down.

‘I love you so much, Amber,’ he whispered, the palm of his hand resting gently against her cheek.

‘I know you do.’ She smiled, running her fingertips lightly over his slightly open mouth. ‘I know you do.’

He pulled away from her, and she felt a ridiculous wave of emptiness wash over her as he finally left her body. Slipping down from the breakfast bar, she quickly retrieved her clothes, pulling them on as she watched his whole demeanour change, just like that. Something was wrong, and although she didn’t want it to happen, she couldn’t stop a feeling of uneasiness taking over from that emptiness.

‘Jim?’

He had his back to her, his head down, and this did nothing to ease the growing nerves inside her.

‘Jim, will you look at me, please?’

He slowly turned around, raising his head so his eyes met hers. ‘There’s something I need to tell you, Amber. And I need to tell you now before it becomes public knowledge… because that’s exactly what it’ll be. Soon.’

She felt her stomach turn, sinking like a lead weight as the uneasiness doubled, making her feel slightly nauseous. She’d been here before with him, she recognised the signs. He was about to tell her something that she knew was going to break her heart, she could feel it, she could sense it coming. She’d really thought all that was over now. She’d thought he’d changed. She’d hoped he’d changed. ‘Just say it.’ She folded her arms, leaning back against the breakfast bar, willing herself not to freak out. Whatever it was he was going to tell her, she’d stay calm. She’d try, anyway.

‘I have a son.’

She’d heard him say the words, but she wasn’t entirely sure she’d taken in exactly what he’d just told her. ‘I’m… sorry? You… you have a… a son?’ Saying the words out loud didn’t make it any easier to take in. And another feeling washed over her now – one of disgust, almost. Why had he made love to her right before telling her this? Why had he done that? Why?

‘Amber, please, believe me, honey, I never meant for it to get this far. I never meant for it to be this big secret, I… I should have told you from the start but I didn’t want to lose you, and I… I thought that if I…’

‘If you’d what, Jim? If you’d told me the truth? Huh? Is that what you were going to say? But, hey, hang on, that’s something you find so fucking hard to do, isn’t it?’

‘Baby, please… Listen to me.’ He walked over to her, and as much as she wanted to get away from him, she had nowhere to go. She’d backed herself right up against the breakfast bar, so her only option was to stay rooted to the spot. But after wanting nothing more than to be touched by him in the most intimate way possible just seconds ago, now she didn’t know if she could stand to be touched by him at all. ‘I know I’ve been stupid…’

‘Stupid?’ She couldn’t help laughing. This whole situation was just too surreal for words. ‘Jesus, Jim…’ She pushed a hand through her hair, turning away from him. ‘Is it too much to ask that you could be honest with me? Just for once? For me? After everything you’ve done, I really thought you’d changed.’

‘Baby, I have. I promise you, I have changed, and keeping this from you, it was… it was stupid and naive and I know I’ve acted like an idiot, because all of this… none of it has been fair on him, either…’

She looked at him, her eyes meeting his. Did he look sorry? Did he regret doing this to her yet again? ‘This isn’t just some silly little secret, Jim. This is… this is pretty big, as far as secrets go. And you… you just coming out with it like this, at this time, when…’ She stopped talking, the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach now rising as the reality of what he’d just told her started to sink in. ‘How old is he?’ she asked, her voice almost a whisper. There was her, just a day away from finding out whether she herself could have kids or not, and now her husband had just sprung it on her that he was already a dad. The irony was almost too heart-wrenching to bear. All she’d wanted was to have this man’s baby, and now she’d just been told that someone else had got there first. That role had already been taken. And it hurt.

Jim looked down at the ground, his stomach turning over and over, every nerve ending in his body on red alert. ‘He’s twenty.’

Amber couldn’t stop the gasp from escaping. ‘Twenty? Jesus, Jim, you’ve kept him a secret for twenty years?’ She couldn’t believe what she was hearing now. And then it suddenly dawned on her – if he’d fathered a son twenty years ago, then it meant that this was a secret he’d been keeping from her for decades. When they’d been together all those years ago, he’d known then, but he’d chosen not to tell her. He’d lied so many times about so many things and she’d forgiven him, but this was another matter. This was messing with her head big time.

‘It happened after me and you… after we split up, the first time,’ Jim began, his heart almost breaking as he watched the expression on her face change instantly. ‘I… I went back to the States during the summer break, and I… I met someone. She was a lawyer, just out of a messy relationship, and I guess we were both looking for some kind of escape…’

‘You had a girlfriend back home in the U.K., Jim,’ Amber said quietly, her brain still trying to piece together all the bits of information she was being told. ‘I mean, that’s why you left me in the first place, wasn’t it? Because you’d found somebody else?’

‘And you know as well as I do that that relationship didn’t mean all that much.’

She looked up sharply, her eyes meeting his. ‘Oh, well, that’s all right then, isn’t it?’

‘Amber…’

‘No, Jim. Do you understand how hard this all is for me? Have you got any idea how difficult this is to take in? I’ve been home less than an hour, and so far, to say you’ve messed with my emotions would be a bloody understatement! First you make love to me, then you tell me you’ve got a twenty-year-old son! What the hell made you think that sequence of events would work? Why would you do that? Huh? Why now, Jim? Why tell me this now?’

‘Because in a couple of hours’ time, the secret’s going to be out, that’s why.’

Amber frowned, confusion well and truly setting in now. ‘What the fuck is going on here?’

‘Brandon Palmer, Wearside Spartans’ new signing…’ Jim looked down at the ground, pushing a hand through his hair. ‘He’s my son.’

Amber couldn’t take her eyes off him. His words had rendered her unable to move, her stomach now knotted so tight she felt sick. Really sick. ‘Brandon… Brandon Palmer? Oh Jesus, this is crazy… this is fucking crazy…’

He tried to take her hand but she pulled it away, finally pushing past him and walking out of the room, running upstairs.

‘Amber, baby, please… Let me explain…’ Jim ran after her, taking the stairs two at a time to catch up with her, following her into their bedroom.

‘I don’t know if I want to hear it, Jim. I really need to get my head around this.’

‘Of course you do. Jesus, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid…’

She sat down on the edge of the bed, suddenly feeling as though every emotion had just been sucked out of her. She felt devoid of any feeling. And she really didn’t know what to do next. She just couldn’t think straight.

‘I should have told you, Amber.’

‘Yes. You should.’ She clasped her hands together in her lap, her head spinning from events that had happened so fast she felt dizzy, even though she was sitting down.

‘Me and his mom, it didn’t work out. It never even went beyond that one night, but…’

‘You were with her long enough to father a child.’

‘Amber…’

‘Which is something you might never get the chance to do with me.’

It was Jim’s turn to look confused. ‘What… what do you mean? Amber?’

‘I don’t know if I can have kids, Jim. That’s what I mean.’

Jim was still confused, his heart beating like a drum as he watched her wring her hands, her eyes staring straight ahead. ‘Amber? Honey? I don’t understand…’

‘I guess you’re not the only one who’s been keeping secrets.’

This whole day was turning out to be one big mind-fuck. For both of them. What the hell was she talking about?

He sat down next to her, trying once more to take her hand but she wasn’t giving in, even though, right now, she needed her husband more than she’d ever needed him before. But she needed the husband she’d had ten minutes ago, not the one sitting beside her now.

‘Ever since I was young – very young – I’ve known that there’s a chance I might not be able to conceive a child of my own,’ Amber began, surprised to find that no tears were ready to fall, even though she felt like crying. She really, really felt like crying. ‘A ruptured appendix and a nice dose of peritonitis saw to that. But I clung to hope, you know? Tried to look on the positive side of things because I hate being a pessimist. It’s such hard work.’

Jim couldn’t help a small smile appearing as traces of the Amber he knew and loved tried to show themselves. But, at the same time, what she was telling him was quite hard to take in.

‘But there comes a time when you’ve just got to face up to the truth.’ She looked straight at him, her eyes boring into his. ‘Even if it isn’t something you want to face up to at all.’

‘Amber, baby…’

She turned away from him again, her hands still clasped in her lap, although she’d stopped wringing them now and had started fiddling with her wedding ring instead. ‘When you walked back into my life I fell in love so hard, Jim. If I’d ever fallen out of love with you in the first place, that is. Which I don’t think I ever did. And this might surprise you, but I’ve always wanted that happy family kind of thing – marriage, domesticity, husband… two-point-four kids. I’ve always wanted that. It just had to be with the right man, that’s all.’ She looked at him, and this time he was sure he felt his heart breaking. There was so much sadness in her eyes and he’d added to that – again. ‘You were that right man, Jim. You always have been. I married my dream guy, don’t you see?’ She let out a slightly cynical laugh, once more diverting her eyes away from his.

‘Why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? When you said you wanted a baby I had no idea…’

‘For a few days I just wanted to believe that everything would be simple. That we’d go to bed, make love, and hey presto, I’d fall pregnant. You have no idea how many times I’ve dreamt about that scenario.’

‘Amber, honey, look at me. Please, baby, look at me.’

She slowly turned her head, tears now threatening big time, stinging her eyes. ‘But that scenario is probably never going to happen now.’

‘You don’t know that,’ Jim said quietly, trying to reach for her hand yet again, but still she resisted.

‘I’ve seen a doctor. He’s a specialist in this field and… Debbie got me an appointment.’

‘Debbie? Why… why didn’t you talk to me, Amber? Jesus, you told Debbie?’

‘She’s my friend, Jim. And I had to talk to someone.’

‘I’m your husband…’

‘And I didn’t see the need to tell you until I knew what I was dealing with.’

He looked down at his own hands, also clasped tightly in his lap. ‘Shit, Amber…’ He looked back up at her, his stomach turning over and over so many times, he couldn’t seem to stop it. ‘And… and what are we dealing with?’

She shrugged, pushing a hand through her hair. ‘I don’t know. Well, I mean, I don’t know for sure, but… I’ve got to go and see Dr. Lowry – the specialist – tomorrow. I guess I’ll find out then.’

‘Tomorrow? You… you mean you’ve gone through all of this on your own?’

‘I’ve had Debbie with me. She’s been amazing.’

Jim stood up, pacing the floor. He’d thought all he’d have to face today would be the aftermath of Amber finding out about Brandon, but this was crazy. This was something else. He’d had no idea she’d been going through all that. He’d had no idea just how much she wanted a baby. His baby. Why the hell hadn’t she just talked to him?

‘I’m coming with you. Tomorrow,’ Jim said, sitting back down beside her. ‘I want to be there, I want to be with you.’

Amber shook her head. ‘No, Jim, I… I’m still trying to get my head around the bombshell that you’re Brandon Palmer’s dad, and that’s enough to deal with right now. So I’m not sure I…’ Not sure she was what? What wasn’t she sure of? She couldn’t even think straight right now let alone make any real decisions. ‘I just don’t know if I want you there.’

‘Amber, honey, I’m your husband, and I love you…’

She stared at him. ‘Do you? Do you really? Only, you keep doing this to me, Jim. You keep throwing shit at me and then expect me to deal with it just like that, and I really don’t know if I’ve got the energy to deal with any of it anymore.’

He gave one last attempt to take her hand, and this time she relented, letting his fingers wrap around hers. She was right. She didn’t have the energy to deal with it, but she also knew she had no other choice left now but to try.

‘I want to make this right, Amber. And I don’t even know how to start explaining things to you because there’s no excuse for keeping something so big from you… there’s no excuse.’

She threw her head back and sighed, closing her eyes for a second as though that short space of time would give her some clarity on this situation. Like that was going to happen any time soon. ‘I take it he’s using his first game for Wearside Spartans to announce the family link, am I right?’

Jim nodded, gently rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.

‘Why, Jim? Why keep him a secret all this time? Because you’re right, that hasn’t been fair on him, never mind me.’

‘I don’t know, Amber,’ Jim sighed, looking down at their joined hands. ‘I don’t know why I do half the things I do sometimes. All I know is that having you back in my life… I didn’t want anything to jeopardise that.’

‘We’re talking about your son here, Jim. A real-life human being…’ The phone ringing stopped her from going on and she reached over to the bedside table, picking up the receiver and answering the call immediately. ‘Hey, Ronnie.’ She’d recognised his mobile number flashing up on the screen.

‘Did you know about this?’ he asked, his voice full of something she could only assume was surprise. ‘Did you know Brandon Palmer is…?’

‘I know,’ she said, interrupting him before he could finish the sentence. ‘Jim’s told me.’

‘Oh, so now he’s decided to tell you? I’m assuming you had no idea about any of this before?’

‘No,’ Amber replied, her voice quiet but steady, despite the somewhat surreal events surrounding her. ‘No, I didn’t. But that’s not the impression we’re going to give everybody else, okay?’

Jim’s expression changed to one of confusion again as she spoke, an emotion that also seemed to have taken over Ronnie’s tone on the other end of the line.

‘Huh? What the hell are you talking about?’

‘If it comes out that I had no idea Brandon Palmer was Jim’s son, how’s that gonna look?’

‘It’s gonna look like the truth.’

‘I don’t want to start another media frenzy on top of the one that’s already going to happen now everyone knows who Brandon’s father really is. We can all do without that, especially now. I’ve got enough to deal with.’

‘Amber, babe, are you sure about this? I mean… when did he tell you? Jim, I mean.’

‘Just now.’

‘Just now?’

‘Yes. Just now. Look, Ronnie, we’re right in the middle of something, as you can imagine, so all I’m going to say is, if anyone asks you whether I knew about Brandon, the answer is yes. Okay? And I know everyone at Cloud Sports is going to think this is all a bit weird, that I didn’t say anything about this, but… well, I’ll deal with all that later.’

‘Amber…’

‘Can you just do that for me? Please? You know more than anyone that I’ve got a lot on my mind right now and I really don’t want this to become something bigger than it needs to be.’ She looked at Jim, his hand still holding tightly onto hers. ‘Jim knows what he’s done. He knows.’

‘Well, you’re more forgiving than I would be.’

‘Can you just do that for me, Ronnie? Please?’

She heard him sigh heavily down the line. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m fine. Really, I’m okay.’

‘Well, you know where I am if…’

‘If I need you, yeah, I know. I’ll see you later.’ She put the phone down and looked at Jim. ‘He won’t be the only one ringing, you know that, don’t you? My Dad’ll be next, and Christ knows what he’ll have to say. He’s only just got used to the idea that you slept with me when I was sixteen years old.’

‘Did you mean that?’ Jim asked, squeezing her hand, probably tighter than was necessary but he was anxious. More anxious than he’d ever felt in his life. ‘About letting everyone think that you knew about Brandon all along?’

She let go of his hand, standing up and walking over to the wardrobe. ‘You heard what I said to Ronnie. I really haven’t got the energy to deal with this right now, so yeah, I’ll play the happy step-mum and pretend this is such a proud day for all of us.’ She pushed a hand through her hair, her eyes meeting his. ‘I suggest you call Brandon’s agent and let him know what’s going on before we get to the stadium.’

‘I’ll call Max in a minute, but…’

Amber frowned. ‘Max? Max Mandell? He’s Brandon’s agent? Jesus Christ, this day just gets better…’

‘Amber…’

‘What? Is there anything else you want to add to the crap you’re piling on me today? Got something else you want to throw at me? Any more secrets you’d like to get off your chest?’

Jim flinched slightly, taking a deep breath before he spoke again. ‘Does Ronnie know that you… Did you tell him about…?’

She let out another cynical laugh, turning away from him. ‘You not happy with that? Does that make you feel just a little bit angry that I confide in another man about something that involves you? Does that bother you?’

‘Yes, actually, it does.’

She swung round to stare at him. ‘Well fucking tough, Jim. Deal with it. Secrets can really fucking hurt, can’t they?’

‘Amber… Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.’

‘That word is so overused by you, Jim.’

‘What you’re doing today… I really appreciate…’

The expression on her face made him flinch again. ‘I’m not doing this for you, and I’m not even doing it for Brandon, although God knows he didn’t deserve to have to keep your secrets, too. I’m doing it because I really don’t need the drama. Not today. I can’t think about anything else except what I’m going to be told tomorrow, and this… this is just…’ It was almost as if everything had all of a sudden come crashing down on top of her, all at once. Everything he’d told her, the reality of what that now meant, and the fact that she might never be able to have a child of her own – something she really, truly hadn’t realised she’d wanted quite as badly as she did right now. And after what he’d just told her, the pain of never being able to carry his baby was going to hurt twice as much, she knew that. If that was what she was told tomorrow, if her worst fears were confirmed, she knew she was going to feel things she’d never experienced before, emotions she was going to find hard to keep in check, and the thought of that brought with it an all-consuming sadness that just took over, causing her to sink to her knees, the tears finally falling, her whole body shaking with sobs she couldn’t control.

‘Oh Jesus, Amber…’ Jim ran over to her, crouching down beside her, pulling her into his arms and, despite everything, she let him hold her. She needed to be held, needed to be close to someone. And she loved him. Even after everything that had happened, she still loved him with every inch of her being, every beat of her breaking heart, and she didn’t know if she could do this without him. She didn’t know if she wanted to. ‘Baby, I am so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.’

She took a deep breath, willing the tears to slow down, to give her a second to try and be strong. ‘Just call Max, Jim. Please. Let’s at least try and keep this thing under some kind of control, okay? That’s the best thing you can do for me right now.’ Letting go of him, the tears still streaming down her face, she stood up, pushing both hands through her hair as she took another deep breath. ‘I’m going to get ready. Just make sure everyone over there at Spartans knows the score, okay?’

‘Amber… You really don’t have to do this.’

She looked at him as he stood there, hands in his pockets, his handsome face sporting an expression that told her he probably was truly sorry for what he’d just done. For what he’d been doing for over twenty years. She just didn’t know if that was enough anymore. ‘No. I know I don’t.’

‘Let me come with you tomorrow, please. I don’t want you to go through this on your own.’

‘I’m used to it, Jim.’ She looked up at him, part of her wanting to slap him for hurting her yet again, but another part of her just wanting things to be normal. She wanted the clock to rewind and this day to begin again, without the surprises and the drama. ‘You’ve put me in a really uncomfortable position at work, too. I mean, people are going to ask why I didn’t let on about you being Brandon Palmer’s dad, that’s a given because of the job I do. For Christ’s sake, we were only talking about him yesterday in the studio, and now this has all come out… I’m going to have some explaining to do.’

‘You’re a professional, Amber. We both are, and we’ll get through this, I promise.’

She threw him another look that caused that flinch to return. ‘You and promises, Jim – they don’t go together, so don’t make them, okay? Just, don’t.’

She turned to walk into the bathroom but he quickly stopped her, gently grabbing her arm and swinging her round. ‘Amber… I love you, and you need to know that. You need to know just how much I love you, how much I really need you and I know you hate me doing this, but I promise you, baby, I will never, ever hurt you again. There are no more secrets, no more lies, no more skeletons in any closet, I promise you that.’ He looked into her eyes, eyes that were red and damp from the tears she was still crying, although they were falling silently now, running slowly down her beautiful face. He loved her so much, and the thought that this could push her away scared the hell out of him. ‘I love you, Amber. It’s as simple as that. I love you.’

She stared up at him, wanting to believe him, needing to believe him, because she didn’t want to lose him. Not again, she couldn’t face that. She couldn’t, she wasn’t strong enough, not anymore. ‘Yeah. I know you do. And despite everything, Jim, I love you, too. God help me, I love you, too.’