Читать книгу Extra Time - Michelle Betham - Страница 8

‘Jim?’

He looked up as Amber walked into the kitchen of their home in the small, North East coastal village of Tynemouth. Her arms were folded against her, and she had a slightly unsettled expression on her face. He took a sip of coffee and continued to watch her as she fiddled with the strap of her watch, a tell-tale nervous reaction of hers. What did she have to be nervous about?

‘Is everything okay, honey? You look like you’ve got something on your mind.’ A small but noticeable chill ran up his spine as he continued to look at her, her eyes refusing to meet his.

‘Can I ask you something, Jim?’

He took another sip of coffee before putting his mug down and folding his arms, smiling slightly as she finally met his gaze.

‘Of course you can. Come on, Amber, you can ask me anything, baby. I’m your husband.’

She looked away again, down at the ground, her fingers once more fiddling with her watch. She hadn’t wanted to bring this up whilst they’d been over in the Canaries – it hadn’t really been the time or the place – and now they were back home, she still wasn’t sure the time was right, but then, she wasn’t sure the time would ever be right, not really. So the only thing she could think of to do was to bite the bullet and just talk to him, before it started to become an obsession that took over her life.

‘Amber? Sweetheart?’

She took a deep breath. ‘What do you think about…?’ She slowly lifted her head, her eyes meeting his again, and he couldn’t help but notice a touch of sadness in them, something which did nothing to ease that chill. ‘What do you think about… about us starting a family?’

He felt relief sweep over him, followed by confusion, which was swiftly replaced by the return of that chill. This was totally unexpected, and it had thrown him slightly. He narrowed his eyes as he looked at her. ‘Sorry, I… Starting a family…? Amber, I…’

‘A baby, Jim. I want a baby. I want our baby.’

‘Jesus, honey, where’s this come from?’ The day had hardly got off the ground and his head was already spinning. This had come completely out of the blue, something he’d never expected to hear from her. Not Amber. Not from a woman who’d shown no inclination to ever have a baby, none whatsoever. She’d only just come round to the idea of marriage, for heaven’s sake, and now she was talking babies?

‘I’m thirty-eight years old, Jim. In terms of motherhood I’m right at the business end of things now. I haven’t got much time left to waste.’

He walked over to her, aware that his somewhat surprised expression had caused that frown to appear, clouding her pretty features. ‘I just … We’ve never really talked about starting a family, have we? I wasn’t even aware it was something you were thinking about, I mean, you’ve never even hinted at it being…’

‘I’m talking about it now, Jim,’ Amber said quietly, allowing herself to fall against him as he took her in his arms. She loved it there, in his arms. She felt safe. She felt as though nothing could touch her when she was there. When he was holding her. She felt as if all the confusion she was suddenly feeling was something she could keep under control when, in reality, she didn’t think she could.

He kissed the top of her head, rubbing her back gently. She picked her times to start conversations like this, he’d give her that. He was due to leave for the training ground soon, and this wasn’t really the kind of conversation he wanted hanging over his head all day. It wasn’t really the kind of conversation he wanted, full stop, if he was completely honest. Not right now. The timing was way off. ‘What’s brought this on, Amber? Huh?’

She pulled away slightly, looking into his eyes, stroking his face with her fingertips. ‘I love you, so much, Jim. And I guess marrying you, finally being with you, the way I always wanted to be, I guess it’s suddenly made me want all those things I… all those things I thought I didn’t want. When all the time it was… it was just that I couldn’t have them with you. I didn’t want them if I couldn’t have you. And to have them with anyone else, it wouldn’t have felt right, none of it felt right. But it feels right now. Now I can’t stop thinking about all those things and… I can’t stop thinking about us, about how right that feels.’

Jim took her hand in his and squeezed it gently, leaning forward to kiss her. She tasted so good, her lips so soft against his, her mouth opening in response to him as he kissed her harder, pulling her against him.

He loved her like he’d never loved anyone before – to the point of obsession sometimes. But it was an obsession he could handle, because he knew how she felt about him. And for her to want this, for her to want a baby – his baby – it spoke volumes. And maybe he wanted that, too. Maybe he wanted that family, that security. Something to soften the blow when she found out the truth about him? About what he’d been hiding from her? From everyone? He didn’t want to think about that right now. Although the longer he kept putting it off, the worse the situation was going to become, he knew that. But she’d kind of put paid to any likelihood that he was going to tell her anything today. Now really wasn’t the time. ‘You want a baby? Really?’

She smiled at him, resting her forehead against his. ‘I know this sounds crazy, Jim. I know it sounds as though it’s come completely out of the blue, but… I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. For weeks now it’s been on my mind and… and since coming off the Pill I…’

He shut her up with another kiss, a slower kiss, a longer kiss, because he needed time to think about this. He didn’t want to lose her, not now, not ever, not after everything it had taken to win her back. But was this really what he wanted? What he needed? Was it really the right way to be going? Under the circumstances? Circumstances she was completely unaware of. But it couldn’t stay that way. It wasn’t going to stay that way, that was out of his hands now. And he didn’t have long before it was all going to come out, regardless of whether he’d found the time to tell her or not. And it really would be better off coming from him.

‘Look, Amber, honey, you’ve just got this brand new job and … How’s it going to look if you suddenly need time off to…?’

She cut him off mid-sentence with one of her trademark withering looks, and Jim couldn’t help but smile. That’s what he loved about Amber. His beautiful wife, the woman who could cut you down with a stare or shut you up with one smart remark. ‘You’re really going down the sexist route, Jim? Hmm? Is that where you’re going?’

He was still smiling, he couldn’t help it as he backed away from her with his hands held up in mock surrender. ‘Amber, baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But this is so crazy, sweetheart, you have to see that. The Amber I knew, she didn’t want to be a mom. She didn’t want any of that, and I’m just finding it strange…’

‘And you think I’m not? You… you think this is something I’m handling okay, do you? This fucking weird and sudden alien need inside me to…’ She looked at him, pushing both hands through her hair. ‘I don’t have a lot of time left, Jim. I don’t have time to sit and think about this, to weigh up every pro and con a million times over until I’m 100 per cent certain that this is what I really, truly want. I don’t have that luxury. I’ve got to make that decision soon – we’ve got to make that decision soon. Before it’s too late. Because…’ She stopped talking, looking away for a second.

He walked back over to her, tilting her chin up so she was looking straight at him. ‘Because, what?’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ she sighed, letting him pull her closer.

‘You really want this, huh? Me and you, making babies?’

‘Only you could make that sound like the most erotic thing in the world.’ She smiled, her breathing suddenly starting to speed up for some reason.

‘And, isn’t it?’ he whispered, his mouth almost touching hers now. ‘I mean, surely, the act of making babies is one of the most erotic things in the world.’

She felt her stomach flip over what felt like a thousand times as the warmth of his body engulfed hers, the heat between them palpable. ‘I don’t know,’ she said quietly, quite surprised that she could actually string a sentence together right now.

‘Do you want to see just how erotic it can be?’ He smiled, his mouth still not quite touching hers as he spoke, but almost. Maybe this was the right way to go. Yeah, he was definitely coming round to the idea. After all, giving Amber a baby might mean she was distracted from anything else that was going on, and that, as far as Jim was concerned, wouldn’t be a bad thing. He loved her beyond words, he loved her more than he could ever explain, and that’s why he needed to protect her. He needed to do that. And anyway, why wouldn’t he want a baby with the most beautiful woman he’d ever set eyes on? Why wouldn’t he want to make her happy? Anything she wanted – if he could give it to her, then he would. He would do that in a heartbeat.

She could feel his breath on her face, his hand stroking the small of her back, pulling at her dress, and already her heart was beating out of her chest, hammering hard inside her. This was crazy! What had started out as a sensible conversation about starting a family had suddenly turned into a sex-fuelled encounter that was only ever going to end one way.

She closed her eyes as she felt his hand slide her dress up over her legs and she couldn’t help but take an almost involuntary sharp intake of breath as his fingers began stroking her inner thigh. Already she could feel that familiar tingle between her legs, and a part of her just wanted him to take her there and then, to do it quickly, because she was finding it hard to control herself. Her skin was breaking out in tiny goose bumps, her head was starting to spin, her legs growing weaker by the second as his mouth finally covered hers in the lightest, most beautiful of kisses.

Oh God, she wasn’t sure how much more she could take of this. She wanted to strip off her own underwear and just make him take her now, right now, because she was physically aching for him. Were these intense, crazy feelings she had for this man ever going to fade? Yeah, of course they were. In time. Which is why she should be making the most of them while she was still feeling this way, feeling this excited, this turned on. Because nobody knew how long it was all going to last.

‘You sure this is the way you want it to go?’ he whispered, his hand on her cheek, his mouth still close to hers as he spoke. ‘No protection. No barriers. Nothing to stop it from happening. You’re really sure this is what you want?’

She looked into his eyes, searching his face, wanting, needing to know that he was serious, that he felt the same way about this as she did. ‘Are you?’

He kissed her gently, his thumb lightly stroking her cheek, his other hand still stroking her inner thigh, which, in turn – combined with his kiss – was making her breathing quite unsteady.

‘Oh, I think we’d make a rather good mommy and daddy, don’t you?’

Just the way he’d said that, in that wonderful accent of his, his voice dirty and deep, he’d made it sound like the sexiest thing she’d ever heard.

‘Yes,’ she breathed. It was all she could manage to get out before his fingers slid underneath the thin material of her panties, touching the sudden wetness, making her gasp out loud. She threw her head back as his lips brushed over the base of her neck, his fingers still probing, touching her, burying themselves in her, and it was all she could do to stop the loudest cry of pleasure from escaping. She could feel it all building up inside her, amassing itself into one huge ball of ecstasy, just waiting for its chance to be set free.

‘Jim…’ she groaned, gripping the counter top behind her, opening her legs wider to give him easier access.

‘It’s okay, honey. It’s okay,’ he said quietly, pushing her dress farther up over her thighs, sinking to his haunches as he slowly and carefully peeled her panties down her legs in an action that Amber thought might make her come there and then. She stepped out of them, the freedom she now felt turning her on to the point of no return – almost. ‘You are so beautiful,’ Jim whispered, letting his hands run back up the length of her legs as he stood up, finally resting them on her hips. ‘So beautiful…’

Their eyes locked together, and for a second Amber thought her heart had literally stopped. It was almost that same feeling she’d experienced the very first time she’d set eyes on him, when he’d walked into her mum and dad’s house all those years ago as a twenty-seven-year-old professional footballer, and she’d been a fifteen-year-old teenager in the middle of planning her sixteenth birthday party. But the effect him walking into their living room that day had had on her had been life-changing. Literally. Just as this could be now, what they were about to do here.

He gently pushed her back against the counter, her dress now up around her waist, and she closed her eyes as his lips once more brushed the base of her neck, his hands resting on her hips, keeping her steady as he carefully pushed into her.

Throwing her head back, Amber groaned out loud as he pushed hard, rocking her back against the counter, and she buried her fingers in his hair as his mouth finally met hers. The feel of his body inside her, his mouth kissing her slowly and sensually as he held onto her hips, keeping her steady, it was all so overwhelming, still so hard to get used to at times; him being there, the fact they were married. Sometimes she’d wake up in the morning and for those first few seconds she’d forget that he was her husband, that he was right there beside her. Sometimes she’d forget that he really was hers.

‘Are you still sure, honey?’ he whispered, his mouth resting on hers as he spoke. ‘Because I’m so close to coming, baby, and if you want I can just…’ She shook her head, silencing him with a kiss, and he smiled, gently stroking a stray strand of hair from her eyes. ‘I love you, Amber.’

‘I love you, too,’ she said quietly, slowly closing her eyes as he kissed her long and deep, pulling away only when she felt his body tense up, signalling his impending release, and she too prepared herself for one of her own as those familiar tingles started creeping across her body. ‘Jim…’ she moaned quietly as he buried his head in her shoulder, his body shaking and shuddering in her arms as she felt him explode, spilling out into her, and she luxuriated in the warmth that feeling created. It was as if he was filling up every inch of her, taking her over, and she didn’t want to open her eyes because she felt that if she did, then this would all just be some kind of dream. Over too soon.

‘Jesus, Amber…’ Jim groaned, his hands still on her hips as his own movements slowed down, his own journey coming to an end. But she had yet to reach that summit, and he knew that, reaching down to gently touch her as he slowly withdrew. ‘You feel so good…’

She gripped the countertop behind her tighter as his fingers stroked her so carefully, touching her right where she needed to be touched and with just the right amount of pressure. The feel of his hand was enough to start the beginning of the end, to send those tingles spreading through her at a rapid rate, taking her over until she could hold out no longer. His fingers speeded up their action, pressing against her, his lips covering her neck in quick, feather-light kisses as she came in a crashing climax of cries and moans, pushing down against his hand, the feel of him there heightening every last, tiny sensation. And then it was over, done. Time for reality to make itself known again. Just like that.

‘Two seconds.’ Jim smiled, finally pulling away from her. She watched as he left the kitchen, trying hard to catch her breath. She felt drained, but also invigorated, and slightly confused. What had they just done? Had she really just told him she wanted to start a family? Had she really said all that out loud? Just like that? When she knew, deep down inside, that it wasn’t going to be quite as simple as she made it out to be. But, yeah, they really had just gone through with it. They’d taken that first step. But the journey wasn’t going to be an easy one.

She bent down and retrieved her panties, pulling them on and repositioning her dress, shaking her hair out as she tried to compose herself. Spontaneous sex wasn’t exactly an unusual occurrence, considering they were still very much in the ‘honeymoon’ period of their marriage, but what had just happened there had sobered her up; to the point where she felt a little disorientated. What the hell was wrong with her today?

‘You okay?’

She swung round at the sound of his voice. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.’

‘You sure?’ he asked, frowning slightly as he walked over to her, slipping an arm around her waist and pulling her against him. ‘Because you look as though you’ve still got something on your mind. Is there anything else you want to talk about?’

She smiled, running her hands up and down his strong arms, the soft material of his shirt smooth beneath her fingers. ‘I’m sorry, Jim, if this all feels a bit surreal, my sudden need to have a baby, but…’ She looked into his eyes. Her heart still skipped that proverbial beat when she did that, and she never wanted that feeling to go away, ever. She wanted to cling onto it for as long as she could. ‘I really have been thinking about it, seriously, for a while now.’

‘So why didn’t you talk to me? Did you think I wouldn’t listen? That it was something I wouldn’t want?’

‘Well, to be fair, Jim, the look on your face when I mentioned it just now wasn’t that of a man who was expecting those words to come out of my mouth.’

‘No, I suppose it wasn’t. But only because you never seemed to be the type of woman who…’

She shut him up with a kiss, standing on tiptoe, holding onto his upper arms to steady herself as her lips touched his, ever-so-lightly.

‘The type of woman who, what?’ she asked, a slight smirk appearing on her face. ‘Who never showed any maternal inclinations whatsoever? Then you really don’t know me at all, Jim. My mum was the best mum a girl could have asked for. She was funny and smart and beautiful…’

‘Just like her daughter.’

She stopped talking and looked at him, cocking her head.

‘I knew your mom, Amber. Remember? I knew what an amazing woman she was.’

She said nothing for a few seconds as she let memories of her late Spanish mother fill her head, her heart aching all over again with a loss that still hurt. Because there were times when she really needed her mum. And now was certainly one of those times.

‘What I’m trying to say is that I always wanted to be like her. She was so beautiful, so kind and funny and strong, she was so strong. Right to the end she kept on fighting, until there was nothing more anyone could do. She didn’t give up until she had to. She had this… this aura about her, you know? She would walk into a room and it would just light up. I loved her so much, Jim. So much. We were so close, never a day went by when I didn’t speak to her. And she was so supportive, always there for me no matter what. She was my rock. My best friend, and when she died… I miss her so much, all the time, that never goes away. Ever. And I… I always wanted to be the kind of mum to a child of my own that she was to me, and just because I didn’t go round shouting about the fact I would love a baby one day…’ She broke off, walking over to the window, folding her arms as she looked outside, the late-summer sunshine making their large, walled garden look gloriously pretty with its multitude of coloured flowers and fruit trees. ‘Deep down inside, I’m scared I’ll never get the chance.’

She closed her eyes as she felt his arms wrap around her from behind, pulling her back against him, and she rested her head against his shoulder, just letting him hold her. She wanted to tell him. She really wanted to tell him. But she couldn’t, not yet. Not just yet. Not until she was sure.

‘I want you to have everything you ever dreamed of, Amber,’ he said quietly. ‘Everything. And I will try my hardest to make sure you get it all, believe me.’

She turned round in his arms, opening her eyes and shaking her hair out again, changing the mood in an instant. There were some things she knew he may never be able to give her, it was just that now wasn’t the time to think about that.

‘Anyway, come on,’ she said, straightening the collar of his shirt. ‘You’re going to be late if you don’t get a move on.’

He frowned slightly. He wasn’t sure he wanted to leave this conversation still hanging, but she was right. He was supposed to be at the training ground in half an hour and it took nearly as long as that to drive there from their home at the coast.

‘So, what are you up to today?’ he asked, reluctantly letting her go, grabbing his jacket from the back of a chair.

‘Well, I’m not due in London until the end of the week, so I thought I’d go and see Debbie. Maybe do a little bit of shopping. She’s still training me in the ways of the WAG.’

Jim smiled, shoving his hands in his pockets. ‘Really?’ He arched an eyebrow and Amber laughed, suddenly relaxing. Yeah, everything was fine. She hadn’t ruined it all by laying this on him the way she had. He was fine. She just wished she’d had the nerve to tell him everything, because she knew she’d have to, at some point.

‘Yeah. Really.’

‘So,’ he went on, picking his phone up from the table and quickly checking for messages. ‘You nervous about making your live studio debut for Cloud Sports on Friday?’

‘Yeah, a little bit,’ she sighed. ‘But…’ She smiled at him, pulling her hair back into a loose ponytail, ‘… at least it means you can watch me on TV when I’m not here, and then maybe you won’t miss me quite so much.’

He quickly pulled her into his arms again, stealing another kiss. ‘Ah, yes, but, the excellent timing of it all means that because Red Star’s first game of the season is down in the capital, I don’t really have to miss you at all, do I? In fact, beautiful, I can be with you the second you come off air on Friday night. I’ll leave Colin in charge of the squad at the hotel, and I’ll come and spend some time with you, if that’s what you want.’

Why would she want anything else? ‘You’d better be there, handsome, or I’ll be extremely disappointed.’

‘And we can’t have that, now, can we?’

She shook her head as his mouth moved closer to hers. ‘No. We can’t.’

One more kiss then he’d have to go, even if he’d much rather stay where he was. How he was going to cope when she wasn’t there, when she was away, working, he didn’t know, but at least she was right in one respect – he could watch her, there on TV, knowing she was his. Knowing that beautiful woman was finally his, after all those years of waiting, wishing and hoping. All those years of getting everything so wrong. But wasn’t he still getting it wrong now? Knowing what he knew – what she had yet to find out.

‘If you want to come down to the training ground…’ Jim began, pushing those thoughts firmly to the back of his mind.

‘I think I’ll stick to shopping with Debbie, if you don’t mind.’

As much as he would have loved to have seen her later, he’d all but known she would have declined that offer. Anywhere Ryan Fisher was, Amber tried to avoid. Jim just hoped it was for all the right reasons. He trusted Amber, but as far as his feelings towards his star striker went, that was a different matter. He rested his forehead against hers, smiling slightly. ‘So, I guess I’ll see you tonight.’

‘Yeah. You will. And play your cards right, mister, and you can see as much of me as you want.’

‘Jesus, Ryan, come on,’ Gary groaned as Ryan miskicked another shot at goal, the ball flying high over the crossbar. ‘What the hell is wrong with you this morning? The boss is gonna go ape shit if he sees the way you’re playing today.’

Ryan dropped to his haunches, his head in his hands. ‘Nothing’s wrong with me, Gary. I’m just a bit off form, that’s all.’

‘Well, your timing’s crap, mate. You know, it being just a couple of days away from the beginning of a brand new season. Our first game isn’t exactly an easy one…’

Ryan stood up, looking at Gary, his hands on his hips. ‘We’re fucking league champions, Gary. Right now, at this moment in time, we are the fucking best, so we should be frightened of no one. We should be able to go out there on Saturday and show them that they should be intimidated by us, not the other way around. We should be able to win that match easy.’

‘Not if you play the way you’ve been playing this morning we won’t. You letting yourself get a bit too distracted by the new lady in your life?’ Gary winked.

‘Fuck off,’ Ryan sighed, turning away and walking over to the touchline, his head down.

‘Going somewhere, Fisher?’

Ryan looked up. Jim Allen stood right there in front of him dressed – unusually for him – for the training ground rather than the office, sporting tracksuit bottoms, football boots, and a white t-shirt that clung to a physique most forty-nine-year-old men would kill for. Lately he’d been involving himself more and more in the physical aspects of training, and Ryan wondered if this need to keep in shape had anything to do with the fact he was now married to a younger woman – a very beautiful younger woman. A woman Ryan didn’t really want to think about for too long, because it still hurt. No matter how much he pretended it didn’t.

‘No. Just taking a break, boss.’

Jim continued to stare at him, raising an eyebrow, but he said nothing. He just let him go, and Ryan didn’t stop to argue. He needed five minutes away from it all, just to get his head together.

Things with Ellen had started moving way faster than he’d wanted them to, even though he’d tried his hardest not to give her any signals that could easily be interpreted the wrong way. He was determined to try and put his old ways behind him, but he was beginning to realise that going cold turkey wasn’t the best idea. Baby steps – that was the way to go about a change he had a feeling was going to take a lot of getting used to. Little by little, step by step, and he’d get there. But the fact Ellen had started talking about staying over at his place, leaving some of her things there so she didn’t have to keep bringing stuff over – that was the thin end of the wedge as far as Ryan was concerned. And no way was he anywhere near ready enough to have her move in with him, even though it was more than obvious that that was what she was hinting at. His life was in no state to welcome a serious relationship. Not the way things stood at the minute.

Everything was so much harder than he’d ever thought it would be. Something that should be so simple was proving to be the most difficult thing Ryan had ever had to face, but the past year had changed him in so many ways. And maybe the one thing he’d tried not to think about over the past few days was the only option left open to him now. He certainly had to open his mind to the idea that it could be a possibility.

His head was spinning with everything that was going on in there, and now, more than ever, Ryan wished he had someone he could talk to. He wished he had Amber.

‘I can’t believe I did that, Debbie, I really can’t,’ Amber sighed, sinking into the soft cushions of the sofa in the bar they’d ducked into for a glass or two of wine after a particularly busy morning’s shopping.

‘You said Jim’s fine about it.’ Debbie sat down on the chair opposite Amber. ‘In fact, you said he’s more than fine.’

‘He is,’ Amber went on, crossing her legs and wishing she could kick off her shoes. She was still getting used to walking in these new heels, never mind shopping in them, and her feet were killing her. Why she’d let Debbie talk her into wearing them today she had no idea. She wasn’t usually swayed so easily. ‘But still… I must have sounded like some crazed, hormonal, pre-menopausal madwoman. The poor bugger was only trying to get ready for work and I walk in and start demanding a baby! I still can’t believe those words came out of my own mouth.’

Debbie briefly turned her attention to the young man who’d just turned up at their table with an ice bucket and a bottle of something white and sparkling. She smiled at him as he placed it down in front of them, and Amber couldn’t help but be slightly amused at his flustered expression. Debbie could be quite intimidating when she wanted to be, with her striking white-blonde hair and glamorous exterior. ‘I envy you sometimes, Amber,’ Debbie sighed, winking at the young man as he beat a hasty retreat back behind the bar.

‘Envy me? Why? Look at the life you’ve got.’

‘Hmmm,’ Debbie said, leaning forward to pour two glasses of champagne. ‘It’s not quite as fabulous as I make it out to be, chick. Gary hasn’t changed all that much since we got married, although, to be honest, after what happened with Ryan, he is trying to rein it in a little bit, and for that I should be eternally grateful, I suppose. But you and Jim… oh, what I wouldn’t give to have a man like that.’

‘Yeah, well, hands off. He’s mine.’ Amber threw Debbie a small smile as she took the glass she held out for her, indulging in a long and very welcome sip of the cold, bubbly liquid.

‘And you two will make such beautiful babies,’ Debbie sighed, leaning back in her seat as she sipped her own champagne.

Amber couldn’t help smiling again, even though that smile was accompanied by a brief and unwelcome jolt of reality. A reality that was starting to bite hard. ‘I’d like to think so… Christ, listen to me! This is mad, Debbie. I mean, marriage, babies, a career that takes me out of the North East way more than I’d like it to – all things I never thought I wanted. Well, okay, at the back of my mind I suppose I did always wonder what it would be like to have kids, but I never really wanted them. Not at the time. Does that make sense?’

‘Sort of.’ Debbie frowned, crossing and uncrossing her long, tanned legs, giving the men sitting across the bar from them more than they’d bargained for. She was wearing a short, lemon-yellow sundress and Amber could only pray that she was wearing underwear. You never could tell with Debbie.

Amber took another sip of champagne, and for a second she had to stop and think about where her life had taken her over the past few months. Yes, it had all happened so fast – sometimes it took her breath away to think of how quickly her life had been turned on its head, to the point where she was now sitting in one of the most upmarket bars on Newcastle’s Quayside, drinking champagne in the middle of the afternoon. Who’d have thought?

‘Earth calling Amber.’

Debbie’s voice pulled Amber back to reality and she turned to look at her friend.

‘You were miles away, chick. Everything okay?’

Amber looked down for a second, focusing on the beautifully understated but perfect wedding ring on the third finger of her left hand. A never-ending band of white gold that signified perfectly her love for Jim Allen. Never-ending. It always had been and it always would be. She couldn’t see that ever changing now. So maybe she owed it to him to be honest. Once she knew the facts.

‘I don’t know.’ She looked back up at Debbie’s slightly confused expression. ‘I don’t know if everything’s okay.’

‘Has something happened, hon? Are you and Jim okay?’

‘Oh God, yes. We’re fine, I don’t mean that… Me and Jim, we’re good, we’re more than good. It’s just… me becoming a mum it’s… it may not be quite as simple as I might have made it out to be.’

Debbie put her glass down, leaning further forward, her expression still confused. ‘How do you mean, chick?’

Amber drained her glass of champagne and placed it down on the table in front of her, pushing a hand through her hair. It was time to face up to this now. It wasn’t something she could block out and put to the back of her mind anymore, because that’s what she’d been doing. For a very long time. And she’d been able to do that purely because there’d been no need to confront it, no need to even think about it. Until now.

‘When I was young, very young – I think I was about seven or eight when it happened – my appendix ruptured. It was pretty serious, apparently, although I don’t remember all that much about it. But, according to my dad, it was serious. Anyway, the upshot of all this was, because of the ruptured appendix and the subsequent peritonitis…’ She stared down at her wedding ring again, twisting it round and round her finger. ‘My fallopian tubes are scarred to hell, Debbie. At the time, the doctors told my mum and dad that I may have trouble conceiving when I was older and they never hid the truth from me so… so I’ve always known there’s a chance that… that it may not be all that easy, but… I’ve got to cling onto hope, haven’t I? I never really gave it much thought before because I’d always resigned myself to the fact that I was never going to be a mum. I didn’t think I’d ever find the right man anyway, that one man who could… who…’ She felt tears start to prick the back of her eyes and she rummaged round in her bag for a handkerchief, desperate not to cry. She didn’t want to start crying. Jesus, this was so wrong! Amber Sullivan hadn’t wanted kids. Amber Sullivan hadn’t felt these ridiculous feelings; this sudden, aching need. But Amber Allen did. ‘But then he came back. Jim. He came back.’ She looked at Debbie, whose face was now a mask of genuine concern, which only made Amber’s tears fall faster. ‘And everything changed, Debbie. Everything.’

Debbie jumped up and sat down next to Amber, taking her hand and squeezing it tight. ‘You don’t know anything for definite though, do you?’

Amber looked at her. ‘I know the worst case scenario.’

‘But that might not be the case for you, chick. Have you seen a doctor?’

Amber shook her head. ‘I’m scared, Debbie. I’m scared of what they’re gonna tell me, of having to face up to something I thought I’d be able to handle, but now I’m not so sure that I can.’

Debbie got up and went over to retrieve her handbag, sitting back down next to Amber as she started scrolling down the contact list on her phone. ‘I’ll get you an appointment sorted with an amazing specialist I know. He runs a private fertility clinic in Jesmond.’

Amber frowned. ‘A fertility clinic? How do you…?’

Debbie looked at her. ‘Oh, don’t worry. I’ve never actually needed his services. I’ve got enough on my plate looking after Gary. He’s a big enough kid. But Dr. Lowry, he’s a very good friend of my plastic surgeon who told me that if I ever needed advice in that department then Dr. Lowry was my man. I met him at a party once. We got on really well. He’s a real looker, too, I have to say; very Pierce Brosnan, but don’t let that intimidate you… There it is! I knew I had his number.’

Amber felt her head suddenly start to spin. Things had started moving way too fast again. Shouldn’t she talk to Jim first? Before she did anything? Shouldn’t she tell him everything she’d just told Debbie? Didn’t he have a right to know?

‘Debbie, I… I’m not sure about…’

Debbie threw her a stern yet sympathetic expression. ‘So what are you going to do, Amber? Sit and stress about everything? Is that the best plan of action? Surely you need to know what you’re dealing with, chick. Then we can move forward.’

‘But what if…’ Amber swallowed hard, finally realising that she did have to face up to this, sooner or later. If having a baby was what she really wanted. And it was. It really was. ‘What if it’s bad news, Debbie? What if… if I can’t…’

‘Hey, now, come on.’ Debbie’s tone was sympathetically scolding as she took Amber’s hand again. ‘Let’s promise ourselves that we won’t think that way, okay? Let’s just wait and see what Dr. Lowry has to say.’

Amber swallowed again, suddenly feeling as though she’d been thrust into some kind of alien situation that just didn’t seem real. She couldn’t relax as she watched Debbie get up and walk over to a quieter corner of the bar to make the call; a million things had started running through her head and none of them made any sense. Sometimes she wished things could go back to the way they’d been a year ago, when her life had been uncomplicated, well ordered, and she’d been in complete control of everything. But a year ago Jim hadn’t been around. A year ago her life still hadn’t been complete, no matter how well organised and controlled it might have been. So, if having Jim meant that she had to live with this chaos and lack of control, then she’d take that. Every time.

She looked up as Debbie came back over, her heart beating ten to the dozen. ‘How soon before he can fit me in?’

‘How soon?’ Debbie asked, sliding her phone back into her handbag. ‘Grab your things, chick. We’re going over there right now.’