Читать книгу DIY Conflict Resolution: Seven Choices and Five Actions of a Master - Nance L. Schick - Страница 5

I certainly think so, as do many of the people around me. I would not be sharing it with you if I were not confident that it can make a difference in your life. As a lawyer, I see too many people struggling, if not suffering, in ways that are preventable and reparable. As a mediator, I know what many still do not: There are private dispute resolution opportunities that often produce better results than a judgment or verdict. For this reason, I converted mediation processes into a Do-it-Yourself (“DIY”) system, the Third Ear Conflict Resolution Program.

As you will see throughout the book, there is truly a lot you can do on your own. Yet we each have occasional persistent conflicts that we’ve carried for such a long time that we think they are as much a part of us as our height or eye color. We also have new conflicts that arise, with which we have little to no experience. These are the conflicts clients often bring to me with their requests for coaching, if not litigation.

My goal is to train you as thoroughly as I can, with an audio program, in workshops, and in other forms. This limits the amount of time individuals need one-on-one coaching, while also preserving the funds you probably want to use for enjoyment of life. Not that coaching with me isn’t fun, of course—especially when you get results like those experienced by Jan Rap, Omuk, Zhang San, and others you will read about throughout the book.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: The names in most of the case studies have been changed to protect the privacy of people who have worked with me. I have also fictionalized some of them or their stories to further protect their privacy, and I have used “placeholder names” from a variety of languages to remind us that we all have similar, human issues. Our conflicts might manifest themselves in different ways and under different circumstances, but there is much we can learn from each other.

Jan Rap was a well-known and highly respected advisor to other professionals in a major metropolitan market. He was educated at private schools and studied abroad. He achieved bachelor’s, master’s and juris doctorate degrees before gaining experience in a sizable law firm and eventually starting a profitable partnership with a more seasoned attorney. When Jan and I first met, I was a bit jealous of his success and uncomfortable being around him. He was dressed in designer clothes and was perfectly coiffed. He projected the image of success that I wanted but didn’t yet believe I could have with my modest Kentucky roots and degrees from state-run universities. For a moment, I forgot that Jan was human.

Eventually, I remembered to use the Third Ear Conflict Resolution process to resolve the self-conflicts that arose in my association with Jan. I saw that I was discounting my unique experiences and credentials. I was valuing myself less than I valued him, when he was seeing me as anything but the loser I felt like around him. He actually valued me for our differences, as they gave us fresh perspectives. Once I started honoring myself and being “unapologetically me” during our networking meetings, we grew to be strategic partners and friends. When his business partnership dissolved, I cheered him along the path of sole proprietorship. When my mom had her fifth and sixth near-death experiences, Jan was there to hold me up.

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”

—Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

Over the years, we became running partners and included our partners on our outings. (Jan is married to Fulan, a fitness instructor and actor who is like a long-lost sibling and who sometimes understands my musician boyfriend better than I do.) I created all of this by using the Third Ear Conflict Resolution process—and, of course, with Jan’s interest and cooperation. We went from awkward would-be competitors to mutually supportive cheerleaders. So, I was thrilled when Jan agreed to coach with me. That brought its own share of conflicts, which many people would have avoided and advised me to avoid. Yet we trusted the process and ourselves. When conflicts arose, we referred back to the Five Actions and took quick action toward resolution. It became another opportunity to practice our skills.

The first conflict we worked on was Jan’s self-image. Much to my surprise, this strikingly attractive human being had his share of doubts about his physical presence. After being unable to create a family with his adoring spouse, he also sustained an injury in one of those embarrassing “I can’t be this old” accidents. He had gained weight and lost fitness after only a short time enjoying the goals he worked for years to reach. His designer “power suits” that he once felt abundantly confident in now made him feel like “My Cousin Vinny”—at a time when his business revenue was down and his budget didn’t allow for new clothing.

Most of us didn’t notice Jan’s struggles. They were subtle and, being the high achiever that he is, he was able to produce great results even under less-than-ideal circumstances. I began to imagine for him the results that he could create under better circumstances. He, on the other hand, was punishing himself for small disagreements at home, income shortfalls, infertility, and an ill parent with an uncomfortable, if not reluctant, caregiver.

We started small, not because Jan’s life was a mess. It wasn’t. His clients were still happy. He was serving on corporate Boards of Directors and winning professional awards. His spouse still adored him, and they had a modest but comfortable life in their small home in an upscale neighborhood. He had friends, fun and good health, especially as his injury healed. He just didn’t feel like it was enough. I was honored that he trusted me with his secrets. We began with a small, manageable self-issue to build momentum and to avoid creating new conflicts with others by practicing on them.

THIRD EAR TIP: When we try to “fix” other people (especially when we are the only one who sees a problem), we leave them feeling broken. Don’t “break” other people so you have someone to practice on. You have plenty of little conflicts in your life that will give you practice. There are exercises throughout this book and resources in the Appendix to help if you have difficulty identifying conflicts in your life.

First, we defined Jan’s conflict with his self-image as succinctly as possible. I didn’t need a lot of back story explaining how he developed his current doubts. I knew many of the details of his life and, although they were interesting, they took up time we could spend on playing with possibilities and creating a new future.

He laughed. “My body and I disagree about what a 40-something man looks, feels and acts like.”

Second, we identified Jan’s interests in this conflict. We needed to determine what helped it take root, since nothing takes root in infertile soil. Sadly, he knew this too well.

We looked at his desires, thoughts, beliefs, expectations, wishes, and perceived obligations that nourished his tree of conflict so he could see it was just a weed. Then, we could determine the best actions to uproot it.

“I want to be lean and strong. I want to walk down the street or into a room with my head held high and room to move around in my clothes. I want Fulan to look at me like I am the sexiest thing she has ever seen.”

“I thought I had found the perfect workout routine. Then, I got injured.”

“I believed I would be a powerful, successful professional with great financial wealth by now. I thought I would be enjoying meals in five-star restaurants and taking vacations all over the world.”

“I expected to have a family, a bigger home and more money.”

“I wish I could figure out what I’m doing wrong.”

“I have to start seeing a return on my investments and making real money again soon. I am the breadwinner, and I’m not winning!”

Notice that the interests we identified were not solely about Jan’s weight, fitness or physical appearance. We went from a discussion of his injury and tight clothes to family and money.

Often, when I ask people to do the above exercise, which is Action Two of the third Ear Conflict Resolution process, they resist. They pretend that they don’t understand the questions or the purpose. They might even tell me it’s a stupid waste of time and pout, sigh loudly or grumble as they reconnect with themselves. I don’t promise comfort throughout the process.

Jan and I made note of the other conflicts that appeared during this exercise, and we agreed to look at them in the near future. I assured him that they probably weren’t going anywhere. Yet I also knew that as he gained more confidence and focus, he would start seeing shifts in many areas of his life.

Third, we played with the endless possibilities for resolving Jan’s conflicts with his “aging” body. I reminded him that every body begins to age once it stops growing; it’s not a sudden process that we wake up to in our 40s and desperately fear. He was well aware of the diet pills, surgeries, weight loss programs, and “quick fixes” on the market. He had secretly tried some of them and discovered they were either scams or otherwise bad for him. Fulan would be disappointed in him.

We shifted his focus. If he could have his body conflicts resolve in any way possible, he would get back in shape overnight—physically and mentally. He knew this wasn’t possible. His crazy-fit spouse was a reminder that he couldn’t have physical fitness without mental fitness. Jan accepted that we had some work to do.

Fourth, we started creating a new future by developing an action plan that could fit easily into his current schedule, so that he could start taking steps and seeing results immediately. I am not one to postpone having a great life (most of the time, anyway)! I coached him to set SMILE goals, which are a lot like SMART goals, but they feel a lot less like chores and a lot more like fun.

Jan’s Specific, Measurable, Individualized, Likable, and Easy (“SMILE”) goals for the ensuing month were:

1.Eat green vegetables with at least one meal per day. To make this even easier while traveling or otherwise away from home and office, I recommended that he purchase some raw broccoli florets at the nearest market or go to one of the many Starbucks Coffee locations, which now carry cold-pressed Evolution Fresh green juices. (I’m not being paid to promote either business. I like sharing information that I think will bring value and ease to your life. You can also get high-nutrient, low-sugar juices in many other places.)

2.Incorporate more exercise into even his busiest days. There were days during which he had no time to go to the gym for a full workout, but we began to see the world as a huge playground with sidewalks for brisk walks, stairs for “mastering,” scaffolding for chin-ups, and area rugs for lunges, jumping jacks or yoga.

3.Look in the mirror and acknowledge one thing he likes about his body—as it is now—each day. This one was my suggestion, and there was silence on the phone line while he considered his arguments against this silly task. But he knows me well enough to know resistance is futile because I coach for my clients to win. Reluctantly, he took it on.

One month later, I was speaking to a happier version of Jan. He had even started to appreciate his injury and “spare tire” around his waist (which was more like a bike tire than a snow tire!). He saw his injury as a symbol of an active lifestyle at middle age, and he saw his extra weight as evidence of prosperity: he had access to more food than he needed. Even if he bought some of his excess food on credit, he was lucky enough to be credit-worthy. He also had some money in savings to cover lean business periods. He was in a much better position to succeed than he thought. He had just been impatient from comparing himself to other people he viewed as more successful.

THIRD EAR TIP: It can be beneficial to look at others’ successes for guidance in creating our own achievements. Yet no two stories are exactly the same. Don’t look for a blueprint you can copy. You will need to customize it to honor your unique characteristics, experiences and values.

Currently, Jan is still incorporating his SMILE actions into his everyday life, and he is having fewer days without exercise or nutrient-rich foods. He is aware again how much better he feels and how much more effective he is in all areas of his life when his body is properly maintained. He has lost several pounds without feeling deprived, his waistline has begun to show his efforts, and he is committed to releasing all of the extra weight he has added under stress. He occasionally cooks for himself and for Fulan. We can now move on to the conflicts he has with his career and income.

The Third Ear Conflict Resolution Program works in conflicts between or among people, too. In fact, its roots are in mediation, a process in which a neutral person facilitates discussion of the dispute with the intent of creating new agreements that resolve it. (There is more about the opportunities in mediation in the Appendix.)

Omuk originally called me in search of representation in a lawsuit she wanted to file against her strategic partner, who refused to return intellectual property after their venture failed. Omuk wanted to rework her art and see if she could still release a finished product, even if it wasn’t what she planned at the time she contracted with Zhang San. She recounted the emotional details of the situation rather than the facts, which suggested to me that the conflict was more about the loss of a key collaborator than the project. She still had a lot of respect for Zhang San’s work, and she expected to see her at industry events throughout her career. I stopped her before she gave any specific evidence or opinions.

“It sounds like you still want this to work out,” I said. “If you could produce the artwork with Zhang San, would you prefer that to a lawsuit?”

Silence. “Yes. I just don’t know how to get her to talk to me anymore. It has gotten bad. We yell. She hung up the phone on me. Now, she won’t answer my calls.”

With Omuk’s permission, I called Zhang San and explained that although I had spoken to Omuk and had a vague understanding of the situation, I would like to serve as a neutral facilitator and create a resolution that would satisfy both of them. Zhang San was calm and agreeable. I asked them each to watch my “Introduction to Third Ear Conflict Resolution” video on YouTube to prepare for our meeting. After they had watched the video, they were to send me three possible meeting dates and times that they could agree upon. This gave them the chance to make a small agreement, which reminded them how well they could work together when they shared a purpose.

I got a call from Omuk approximately one week later. She and Zhang San had watched the video and started communicating more effectively. They began to speak about why they had decided to work together in the first place. They discussed their expectations and disappointments until they ultimately created a new plan for completing the project with what was still available. Omuk called because she wanted me to draft the agreement.

(Okay. That time, it did seem like the program was magic! But it usually takes a little more practice than it did with Omuk and Zhang San.)

In short, the Third Ear Conflict Resolution Program works, if you’re willing to do even the parts of it you don’t like at first or think are “wrong.” There is no right or wrong in conflict resolution. The goal is not to judge or punish. We are seeking effectiveness. What good is being judged as being right, if you still can’t produce results?

The Seven Choices

One way to jumpstart the resolution process is to explore and make the Seven Choices that I ask participants to make once they realize they are in conflict:

1.Forgive yourself for having conflict. We all experience conflict. In our relationships. With our bodies. With our finances. With our words. At home. At work. In our communities, and in our everyday activities. Punishing yourself for being human is a little crazy.

2.Forgive yourself for hiding out too long and hoping that the conflicts would go away. We all try to avoid conflict when we feel we can’t handle it skillfully. We carefully avoid people or situations we believe might trigger conflict. We withdraw from groups, quit our jobs and move out of our homes. We project issues with one person onto others. We become aggressive, passive or build other protective barriers. We live in denial, forcing our true feelings to find release in workaholism, obsessions, overspending, weight gain, or other addictions. Then, we choose to take action and see results. Eventually, we take action almost reflexively and see results more consistently.

3.Forgive the world for having and creating conflicts. Conflict is a natural part of living. There will always be conflicts we can’t avoid, but we can choose to see them as learning opportunities or gateways to something better. There will be car accidents and traffic jams that make you late to a job you hate anyway. The weather is going to change your plans—and create a quiet night in, so you can get a full night’s sleep. Not everyone is going to like everything about you or agree with you all of the time—because you’re not really letting them see you anyway and they know it.

Rather than pretending you can avoid all conflict, learn to master resolution and whatever life throws at you. Isn’t that a much more powerful way to live? Imagine never hiding from anyone or any situation because you know you have the skills to create something useful under any circumstances.

4.Free the emotions. Many of us have been trained to deny our emotions so much that we can only feel them. We can’t identify them effectively. Once we can understand them, we can allow them to pass through so they are no longer a part of the dispute.

5.Clear your mind. There is nothing but this moment… And now this one… And this one… And so on. Everything else is gone or not here yet—until you bring it into your mind. Did you just get something? Great! Now, let it go. This includes assumptions… about me, about this program, about yourself, and about what you think you know.

There is no right versus wrong, good versus bad, worthy versus unworthy, or anything along those lines. In the process of clearing your mind, focus on the connection that you once accepted whole-heartedly, and rebuild it in a way that works under the current circumstances.

No one has to lose. No one has to be punished—including you. Often, the dispute itself has been punishment enough.

6.If you must make an assumption, assume that you know nothing about anything. There is infinite knowledge in the world. You can’t have all of the answers. No one can.

7.Listen with your third ear. Allow your heart to open to the fear, pain, and human vulnerabilities of other people. Hear what every person involved in the conflict has to say. Get the specific details from their unique points of view, even if you don’t agree with the ways they see the conflict.

Take a deep breath and try to enjoy the empty space you just created. Embrace a moment of silence. Be still. Don’t be so quick to fill anything, especially not with things that decrease your effectiveness. Let’s fill the space temporarily with a current self-inventory.