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DAY 7 BRIEFING

A FIELD GUIDE TO OPENERS

“What’s your name?” “What do you do for work?” “Seen any good movies lately?”

Boring!

Listen to any man in conversation with a woman he’s met, and chances are she’ll be subjected to a nonstop barrage of questions that include one or all of the above. And because she’s answering them, the guy will think he’s getting somewhere.

Here’s a question for you: How many times do you think she’s answered those same questions before?

Answer: countless times.

Usually, the scenario ends like this: Slowly she starts looking around the bar, losing interest. The guy makes a desperate move and asks for her phone number. She politely says she has a boyfriend, even though she doesn’t. Game over.

Why does this happen?

The comedian Chris Rock knows why. He has a routine in which he explains that anything a man says to a woman translates as “How about some dick?”

If you barrage a woman with generic questions, what she hears is “How about some dick?” Offer to buy her a drink, she hears “How about some dick?” Introduce yourself to her, comment on her necklace, ask for the time: “How about some dick?”

Your goal as a Challenger is to start a conversation with a woman without saying “How about some dick?”

This is accomplished through what are known as indirect openers. An indirect opener is a way to start a conversation with a stranger or a group of people you don’t know without hitting on anyone or showing any romantic interest. If you do this well enough, soon she’ll be asking you those generic questions.

The following guide includes the basics of using and developing these openers. Tomorrow, you’ll learn two additional techniques to make them nearly failsafe.

Types of Openers

A successful opener serves four basic objectives:

It’s nonthreatening and makes no one uncomfortable.

It stirs up curiosity and captures the person’s or group’s imagination.

It’s a springboard for follow-up conversation.

It serves as a vehicle for you to display your personality.

There are many different types and classes of openers. These include:

Direct openers, in which the man shows his romantic or sexual interest right away;

Situational openers, in which the man comments on something in the environment;

Indirect openers, in which the man initiates a spontaneous, entertaining conversation that is not about the woman or the environment.

All of these openers can work, but the first two often fall into the “How about some dick?” category. It’s okay to use them, but only if the woman is initially interested in you or predisposed to be attracted to you. And even then they may not always work.

I prefer indirect openers because, when performed correctly, they work 95 percent of the time. And those are pretty good odds in this game, or any game.

Most indirect openers are premeditated and scripted. It may seem contrived and unnatural to prepare something to say, but when you have a conversation starter ready to go at any time, you don’t have to hesitate and try to think of something clever to say every time you see a woman you find attractive.

Eventually you’ll be able to start a successful interaction by spontaneously saying just about anything. For now, though, think of indirect scripted openers as training wheels—ones that work so well many guys never want to remove them.

Before the Opener

The game begins before you open your mouth.

Because the initial approach is such a critical moment, everything from your body language to your energy level takes on extra significance. Here are a few points to keep in mind when approaching a woman or a group of strangers:

Always have something better to do than meeting women. As soon as you start staring at, evaluating, or ogling a woman in front of you, even if she can’t see you, you’ve just lost every woman behind you. The reason is not just that you may seem creepy and desperate, but also that you don’t seem interesting, fun, or worth meeting.

Everyone wants to be with the most popular person in the room. Since most groups in public settings don’t know each other, all you need to do is create the illusion of being popular in that moment. From the second you walk in, be engrossed in an animated conversation with your friends. Smile, laugh, have fun, and enjoy one another’s company.

Then, when you notice someone you want to approach, wheel around and start a conversation. Don’t hesitate or waste time assessing the situation. The art of the approach is the art of spontaneity. If you wait too long, either she’ll notice you scoping her out and get creeped out—or, more likely, you’ll think about it for too long, get nervous, and talk yourself out of approaching.

Don’t face the person or group head-on when you first approach. It’s too direct and confrontational. Instead, turn your head and ask over your shoulder. Your goal is to give the impression that you’re on your way somewhere else and just pausing briefly to ask some random people a quick question en route. Once the group begins to enjoy the conversation, you may turn and face them.

Don’t hover over or lean into the person or group. If you’re competing with loud music or they’re seated, just stand up straighter and talk louder. If all goes well, you’ll soon be sitting down with them or moving somewhere quieter together.

Smile when you approach. Even if a grin doesn’t come naturally, fake it. It predisposes the woman or group you’re about to engage to respond positively. On a subconscious level, it signals that you’re a friend and not an enemy.

Your energy level should be equal to or slightly higher than the woman or group you’re approaching. Most people are out to have fun. So if you can add to their fun, you’ll be welcomed into the group. If you’re bringing them down or making them strain to understand you, it doesn’t matter what you say—they’ll want to get rid of you as soon as possible. Ways to increase your energy level include talking louder, using hand gestures, making an effort to connect with the people you’re talking to, and smiling with your mouth and eyes. But don’t be too hyper, because that’s just annoying.

Make sure that everyone can hear you, is paying attention, and is involved in the conversation. If you lose just one person, you risk losing the whole group. So if you feel like someone’s interest is waning, pull her into the conversation by addressing her directly or commenting on something she’s wearing or doing.

Don’t be afraid to approach groups that include men. The more men there are in the group, the less likely it is that the women in it have been approached. You’ll be surprised at how often the guys they’re with aren’t actually their boyfriends or husbands.

Make sure you pay attention to the men in a group. If they feel you’re not respecting or acknowledging them, they’ll try to end the interaction. If you think any of the men mistakenly believe you’re hitting on them, mention an ex-girlfriend or a crush on an actress.

If you’re interested in an attractive woman or group of women who’ve been hit on a lot, don’t approach them directly. Instead, open a group next to them. Then, during a high point of the interaction, casually involve the woman you originally wanted to meet in the discussion.

What to Say

There are three traits a successful indirect opener should possess: It should appear spontaneous, be motivated by curiosity, and be interesting to most people.

There are also many subtleties. Never begin by asking a question that requires a yes or no response. If you say, “Can I ask you a quick question?” the group can always answer, “No.” Then you’re stuck.

Instead, begin with a statement, such as an observation, “You guys look like experts,” or a request for assistance: “Help me settle a quick debate” or “Let me get your take on this.” Then pause briefly to make sure you have everyone’s attention, and continue.

Even when you ask your actual question, it’s not necessary to get an answer. Pause for a moment, and if no one fills in the silence with an opinion, continue with your story.

Don’t begin the opener by saying “I’m sorry,” “Excuse me,” or “Pardon me, but.” Sure, your family raised you to be polite, but starting a conversation this way makes you sound insecure at best and like a panhandler at worst. Where men are initially attracted to beauty, most women are initially attracted to status. And a man of high status never apologizes for his presence.

The most widely used kind of indirect opener I’ve come up with is the opinion opener, in which you ask a group for advice on a personal story. A well camouflaged opinion opener can still evoke ten minutes of excited responses—which are also ten minutes you can use to showcase your humor and personality.

An easy opener for beginners is the “shady friend opener,” which was based on a girl I dated. One bonus with this routine is that it can help you ascertain if the girl you’re interested in is too jealous to seriously date.

Here’s a word-for-word script. It was originally created in bars and clubs, so if you’re out by yourself during the day, instead of pointing to a friend in the room, pretend you just got off the phone with him.

YOU: Hey guys, let me get your take on something. I’m trying to give my friend over there advice, but we’re just a bunch of men—so we’re not really qualified to comment on these matters.

THEM: What’s that?

YOU: Okay, this is a two-part question. If you’ve been dating a guy for three months and he doesn’t want you to hang out with one of your male friends, what’s the appropriate response? Assuming that the person is just your friend, and nothing would ever happen.

THEM: I’d probably break up with the guy I’m dating.

YOU: Okay, here’s the second part of the question. What if this friend was someone you used to sleep with? Does that change things?

THEM: Well, I’m friends with some of my exes, but others I can’t be friends with. So it depends.

YOU: Okay, makes sense. The reason I’m asking is because my friend over there has been dating a girl for three months, and she wants him to stop talking to a female friend of his. He hasn’t dated this other girl for years, and they’re really just friends. The problem is, if he stops talking to her, he’ll resent his girlfriend. But if he keeps talking to her, his girlfriend will resent him.

THEM: Something like that happened to me once, and . . .

If you’re talking to a group, make sure you ask all the members—even the men—for their opinions. No one should be excluded, because if they are, they’ll feel slighted or get bored—and could influence the group to shut you out.

Most important, as you deliver this or any other opener, remember that it’s not the exact words that matter—it’s your attitude. The opener is used only to break the ice and get the group’s attention. It contains no magic formula that will make a woman swoon at your feet. It’s just a way to keep your mouth moving while you display your charming personality.

After the Opener

A good opener will naturally lead to other questions and topics of conversation.

Often, you’ll be asked for your take on the dilemma you’ve asked about. Make sure you have one. If you’re normally a sarcastic or negative person, this world-view may create a bond with some women, but it rarely creates attraction. I know because I used to be that way, until I discovered that one of the keys to drawing people to you—and making them want to stay there—is radiating positivity.

This is why it’s best to draw openers from your own life. If the opener is about someone in college, you should know what college it is. If it’s about someone in another country, you should know what country it is. Determine in advance the ages, professions, relationships, and other details of the people in the openers you use. If you deliver the opener correctly, she will most likely be curious and ask follow-up questions. So be prepared.

But don’t overprepare. You’ll come up with plenty of clever responses to common questions, related topics to discuss, and interesting details in the moment. For example, if you’re using the shady friend opener, and it elicits a flurry of conflicting opinions, you may find yourself saying, with a bemused smile, “You guys are great. You’re just like The View.”

However, beware of a common beginner mistake: milking the opener. As soon as the energy starts to flag, or you catch yourself thinking too hard of something to say to continue the conversation, the opener is over. Cut the thread and move on.

You’ll learn exactly what to say next in future Challenge assignments, but for now just remember: As soon as you start struggling to keep a dying conversation topic going, you may as well be asking “How about some dick?”

The Rule of Trying

Now that you’re learning scripted material, it’s important to remember the rule of trying: Don’t. If you try hard, you die hard.

As soon as you’re caught trying to impress her, trying to get validation, trying for attention, or trying too hard in any way, the game is over. One of the paradoxes of the game is that it takes a lot of effort to appear effortless.

While it’s possible that in the future certain routines and lines in this book may become well known, the principles upon which they work have always been and will always be true. So feel free at any point to go to www.stylelife.com/challenge to learn new and proven openers created by Challengers and coaches.

As you become more advanced, you’ll find yourself relying less on prescripted openers. You’ll eventually be able to go out with friends and challenge one another to come up with the most ridiculous opening lines possible. And as long as your attitude is upbeat, non-needy, empathic, and positive, you’ll discover that you can do no wrong.

Troubleshooting

Tomorrow you’ll learn the two keys to avoiding most things that can go wrong during an opener.

For now, just remember that whatever happens during the opener is feedback. A rejection is not a comment on you but on your technique.

If a woman tells you that she has a boyfriend (and you haven’t asked), it means she thought you were hitting on her. If she says she has to go to the bathroom, it means you made her uncomfortable. Adjust your future approaches based on these responses and develop answers that will transform common objections into attraction-building material. For example, if she accuses you of using a pickup line, you can respond, “You thought I was hitting on you? That’s cute, but I don’t think you could handle me.”

Whatever you do, always remember the golden rule: You must open.

If you don’t approach, you’ll never know whether that stranger could have become a girlfriend, a casual fling, a good friend, or even a career opportunity. Almost every student I’ve talked with has regrets about not approaching a girl. But few have ever regretted making an approach, no matter what happened.

The pain of letting yourself down is much greater than anything someone else can say.