Читать книгу Mom Boss - Nicole Feliciano - Страница 12

Mom guilt is real. It’s a force that can be used for good or for evil. Let me explain. “Are you traveling again?” Working moms across the nation have heard this lament when the kiddos see the roller bag out on the bed. What the mom hears is, “Don’t you love me?”

That’s not really what the kids are saying. What they are saying is: how is this trip going to affect me? The trick to avoiding mom guilt is to know in your own mind why you are working and what motivates you to work. From talking to friends and from my own experience, you can tame 80 percent of the guilt if you are working smart and have a clear goal to share.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that 20 percent of the time mom guilt just stinks, and can’t be rationalized away. Work to manage the 80 percent, and then have good friends and family to get you through the 20 percent (and I’ve got a few tips on how to recover after those brutal 90-hour work weeks, or back-to-back business trips that result in bitter spouses and weepy children).

This was the recent chorus that awaited me at the family dinner table. Mr. Momtrends and I were busy mapping out our travel schedules. My girls were used to his travel. As an investment professional, he often traveled to research companies or do marketing presentations. Life went on smoothly when my husband had a business trip. Since he was not the one coordinating kid schedules, not much changed whenhe was on the road. Life was a lot less fun, but the show went on.

Not so much for me.

Turns out, I’m the only one who remembers my older daughter likes honey mustard on her sandwiches and won’t eat ham, while the younger one likes mayonnaise and prefers ham to turkey. I also know that the piano teacher prefers to be paid in cash, not by check, and that we need to order a new chess clock for an upcoming tournament.

The delicious minutiae of

motherhood live in my head.

I left the corporate world for all these reasons. I wanted to be in charge of the details. I wanted my girls to know that they could count on me. I wanted to be the the mom who wouldn’t miss a recital or Greek play at school because of an ogre boss. Now I’m the boss, and I have to make these tough calls and prioritize.

As my business has grown, my husband has picked up a lot of the parenting slack – especially when it comes to business travel. But he has his own style (I can’t touch the smoothie bar he operates in the morning out of our kitchen), and he most certainly isn’t on top of all the child-related things I cover. And he can’t braid hair. Oh, and the outfits, well, let’s just say the girls don’t always look Instagram ready. But he loves them fiercely, has his own rituals, and always gets them to school on time. The mom guilt comes in because he doesn’t do it my way.

Each work trip I make requires not just the travel planning, but also the home planning. This is my major source of mom guilt. I make color-coded calendars, send endless emails, and rely on friends and family to pitch in. Still, the nagging feeling that I’m not doing enough remains.

On my most recent trip, I got on the phone with my eight-year-old. She was quite upset with me. Apparently, no one told her I was heading to Utah to work on our Digital Family Ski Guide. The work trip fell at a horrible time for her. It was right after a trip to New Hampshire with my older daughter. I took time off of work to take daughter #1 to a championship ski race on the East Coast. Chalk one up in the “good mom” category, I thought. Nope. Daughter #2 felt slighted, and then horrified, that as soon as I got back from New Hampshire I re-packed and headed off again.

I made headway with the little one over a few phone calls, and assured her that on the next trip, I would give her ample warning of where I was going, and when it was all happening. Crisis averted.

Until I got the text from my husband from the urgent care facility in Brooklyn: broken toe for the older daughter. Sometimes, you just can’t win.

What you can do, is manage the fallout.

I’m not alone. Jyl Pattee, founder of Mom It Forward Media, has mastered handling the fallout of business travel. Mom It Forward Media is a boutique digital agency that does many cool things — including producing an annual retreat in partnership with Universal Orlando Resort focused on “creating superhero families.” She lives in Utah. You guessed it, her work involves travel.

Part of the reason Jyl founded Mom It Forward was to make the key milestones in her kids’ lives. She used to beat herself up that she worked outside the home and traveled a lot when her kids were in the potty training years.

Now Jyl’s boys are teens, and the good news is Jyl reports that Mom Guilt eases as the kids get older. Plus, she’s wiser. “I have much more realistic expectations, and am much gentler on myself now,” Jyl says. “I let others help, and I share the load with my husband.”

Maybe we don’t need to be super moms. On most days, just showing up with all your heart counts for a ton.

Business travel is just one source of guilt. No matter how many hours you spend on your business, any toddler will tell you it’s too much, and that there should be less work and more tea parties or snuggles.

Good point. Let’s talk about balance and ways to find where to fit in the snuggles with the spreadsheets.

* Top tips for managing mom guilt *

FOMO No More

I know many women suffer from the mom version of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out). We want to. Well, those that are probably wouldn’t be fun to have as friends, anyhow. Remember: Comparison is the thief of joy. I, for one, have not actually baked anything for a bake sale in ten years. I write a check and volunteer for almost every field trip. Spending hours in the kitchen without my kids, working on a cake, just doesn’t make sense for me.

Flip the Guilt

Give your kids examples of things you turned down to be with them. I’m not telling you to become a martyr; I do want you to be honest. I was recently invited to Sweden to test drive a new Volvo model. As a brand fan, I thought the opportunity was amazing. As a business owner, I saw it as an opportunity to secure some new marketing dollars. The trouble was, the trip was planned over summer break, and we didn’t have childcare coverage. The trip overlapped with some downtime I planned to spend with the girls, and Mr. Momtrends already had a business trip planned. It was a great life lesson for everyone. I said no to the trip and explained why to my girls. I told them they mattered more than the new business connection. I knew it was the right call for my family. The epic amount of work it would have taken to pull off childcare, plus the disappointment of the girls, made it a clear “no.” My ambitious side had to cURL up and throw myself a little pity party, but it was a win for family time.

Explain Why Your Work Matters

One of the “aha” moments I’ve had while building my brand occurred a few years ago. The girls were young and didn’t have full-time school yet. I worked around their pre-K schedules during the day, and then put in several hours at night after they went to bed. Mr. Momtrends called me out on my erratic schedule and asked me why I was working so hard. The answer was two-fold: To make myself proud, and to make the girls proud. It was 100 percent the right answer. Having two young girls witness the ups and downs of being a Mom Boss is awesome. I don’t want them to think it’s easy, or that success doesn’t come with sacrifices. I say no to things all the time, because I have very clear priorities. I tell my girls that thanks to my hard work, I am employing nine other moms, moms who can have careers that allow them to see THEIR children’s soccer games and school plays. While they don’t always appreciate the big picture, they are slowly grasping my role in the financial ecosystem.

Play Among Peers

Swapping “Mom Fail” stories like the broken toe are essential to my mental health. Thankfully, I have a great group of friends to share laughs; hearing how fellow moms are coping usually does the trick to make me feel better. Not only do I adore the work ethic of my team at Momtrends, I also love how honest they are about working mom life. Knowing that you aren’t alone, and that the struggle is real, goes a long way towards alleviating Mom Guilt.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in work projects. When you’re starting out, there might not be funds to pay for a babysitter to find time to build your business. There are two schools of thought: invest some capital into the business so you can hire help, or start with what you have, and scale up as more money and time gets freed up.

Develop a Schedule

Realistically, running a start-up means you’ve got to be flexible and ready to dive deep; that doesn’t mean you can’t set up goal hours for yourself. Letting the kids and your life partners know what to expect can go a long way towards curbing resentment. Remember to ask for help. More and more fathers, co-parents, and grandparents are pitching in to help moms manage their roles as CEOs.

In Jyl’s family, her husband handles the carpooling, homework, and dinners. When she’s in town, her boys’ routine largely stays the same as when she’s traveling. Jyl says, “While owning my own business takes me away from my family due to travel, it also affords me a lot of flexibility when I’m in town.” When she’s home, she’ll regularly take Wednesdays off to attend her son’s track meet from 3-6 p.m. This was something she could rarely do when she was working at a nine-to-five job. By sharing a schedule with your family, you can let your children know that someone is always there for them.

The goal is to create as much consistency as possible, and foster a stable environment for your kids. In my world, I take off most Monday and Friday afternoons to pick the girls up at school. In return, I work late on those nights after everyone else goes to bed at night.

Build in Rituals That Make Your Mom Boss Status Fun

Maybe it’s pizza night on the day you work late, or you bring home souvenirs from every trip you make. In my case, everyone comes to pick me up from the airport, and I always bring home souvenirs.

Mom Guilt. It’s real, and it’s powerful. The trick is to harness the passion you have for loving your kids into a force of creativity, and a reason to work hard.

Jyl shared some great wisdom with me about Mom Guilt: “I think guilt is only useful if we, as moms, use it to change and grow. No mother is perfect. We’re all a work in progress. If we guilt ourselves into thinking we are not good moms, or less than other moms, that’s crossing the line into shame. Shame leads to negative thoughts, and can create a downward spiral of negative behaviors. Recognizing our weaknesses and turning them into strengths helps us become super moms. We could all use that refining!”

Don’t become a slave to your ambition. Once you start drinking from the nectar of being self-employed, it’s pretty intoxicating. There are loads of things to do, and rarely a team to delegate to. Start-ups can take a lot of your mental and physical energy. Don’t forget why you started this in the first place; kids are the reason you pivoted in your career to begin with. Becoming a Mom Boss who works 24/7 isn’t the goal. Mom Guilt can at times be a healthy reminder to check where you are allocating your time and energy.Ultimately, it’s up to you to tame the tiger of guilt.