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The Case of “That” vs. “If”

Remarkable communicators understand on a very deep level that words matter. Words are the currency of personal and professional life. They can ignite excitement, commitment, and dedication. It is the words we choose to use that can help people feel valued, appreciated, and motivated to give their best. It is also the words we choose to use that can trigger defensiveness, hostility, and animosity in others.

As a professional, the words you choose to use and the words you choose to lose can make all the difference with respect to employee engagement. Moreover, even small changes in the words you choose to use can make a big difference in how engaged your employees and peers feel.

To use an example, word choice is a lot like duct tape. If you’ve ever seen a NASCAR race on television or been to the track, you know duct tape is one of the most powerful pieces of equipment a pit crew will utilize. They will put duct tape over the front grill of a vehicle, and they will either remove or add duct tape during the course of a race. Sometimes as little as an inch of duct tape can increase or decrease airflow over the engine, which can increase speed and performance. One inch of duct tape can make the difference between winning and losing. So it is with the words we choose to use or the words we choose to remove from our conversations.

One of the techniques I would encourage you to adopt is to change a phrase you may use regularly and replace it with a more powerful, positive, effective phrase.

We all know it is important to apologize if we have done something wrong, hurtful, or inappropriate. A leader who can apologize helps to instill trust in those they lead. And when employees trust their leaders, they are more likely to be engaged.

Be mindful – the words you choose when making an apology, even the small words, matter. Consider the case of “that” and “if.”

I apologize if I was inattentive during our conversation.

vs.

I apologize that I was inattentive during our conversation.

Which would you rather hear? I vote for version #2, “I apologize that I was inattentive.”

When you say, “I apologize if I was inattentive,” you are not genuinely acknowledging the hurt, pain or trouble that was caused. In fact, it can almost sound like you are accusing them of being hyper-sensitive or over-emotional.

By contrast, when you say, “I apologize that I was inattentive,” you are genuinely taking responsibility for your disrespectful behavior and the hurt and pain you caused. You are communicating in an accountable and emotionally mature fashion.

“That” vs. “If”

One communicates respect. The other communicates disrespect and contempt. This is one of a myriad of examples to illustrate how words matter. Choose yours wisely.

Remember not only to say

the right things in the right place,

but far more difficult still,

to leave unsaid the wrong thing

at the tempting moment.

~ Benjamin Franklin