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From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: New Millennium

How was your New Year’s Eve? Ours better than expected, quite jolly really, food a bit horrid though. Most of it ok but partridges v dry & tough although everybody politely denied it. Also v British apple crumble had distinct (and somewhat Continental) garlic flavour as Dan, ‘helping’, had used a garlicky knife to slice the apples. As predicted the absolute wanker Gil spent the evening trying to grope Fran who in turn spent the evening trying to fight him off without drawing attention to herself as it’s so humiliating for Geraldine. He has grown a beard for some part he’s doing so is even more unattractive than usual. Geraldine got quite drunk & told me they never have sex any more. Bearing in mind he’d spent the evening trying to mount poor Fran, he’s clearly up for it. She told me she is financing a one-man show (he has written himself) at the Edinburgh Festival. Quentin & Marcia spent the night with Rosamund (7 weeks) and Giacomo (3). Found Hugh & Giacomo posting CDs down gaps in the floorboards this morning. Having stopped them doing that, was alerted to next misdemeanour by loud thudding sound and discovered them jumping off the back of the sofa. Have the constant feeling with Hugh that I am pitting my wits against him to keep him alive. Given his dreadful behaviour at the moment not quite sure it’s worth the effort.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Our New Year’s Eve fantastically dull. Feel even more strongly on New Year’s Eve than on other nights that I would rather stay in (and I feel it v strongly indeed on other nights as you well know). Anyhow thought it would be too sad and pathetic to do nothing so accepted a party invitation from some rather grand people. They are great patrons of the performing arts and a high percentage of the guests were actors, or theatre reviewers, or people otherwise passionately enamoured of the theatre. Entire evening of conversation therefore about plays I have not seen, would not wish to see, indeed would go to great lengths to avoid seeing. Theatre discussion occasionally interspersed with discussion of recent or forthcoming poetry readings. Why any poetry lover, which I consider myself, would want to go and listen to poems read by some ghastly thespian showing off by reading in that stupid actory way they all have, rather than quietly reading them at home is a total mystery to me. Anyhow drank too much to deaden the pain so have horrible hangover and feel my brain moving loosely around in my head. Broke my own resolution to never make New Year’s resolutions and made a resolution not to smack Rob any more as it does no good, really don’t believe in it and never smack the others. Anyhow came down this morning and was making breakfast when Rob came up behind me and stuck his finger in my bum. As I was wearing jersey pyjama bottoms he encountered no resistance. Jumped out of my skin and turned around and swatted him. So that’s going well.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: fantastic missed opportunity

See, you missed the perfect opportunity when surrounded by so many experts to ask what is the actual point of the theatre as nobody actually REALLY enjoys it, they just like showing off about it afterwards – ever noticed how if someone has been to the theatre they always make a point of weaving it into the conversation, whereas unlikely to be informed if same person has spent a much more enjoyable evening watching Kindergarten Cop. Re New Year’s resolutions – as everybody knows 1st 2 weeks don’t count as this is an ‘adjustment period’ until resolution fully kicks in.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

I’m so annoyed, Dan has lent Toby money for his round-the-world trip. He won’t tell me how much which makes me think it must be quite a lot. I know Hugh & Penelope have lent him money already & Penelope says Hugh is getting quite fed up & wants him to settle down to something. Toby rang this evening to say goodbye, was v charming & sounded v chipper as one might before 4-month holiday paid for by others. Said he would miss us all terribly & see us in April when he’d completed his magnum opus. Said to Dan afterwards that while obviously I am no expert in these matters suspect sweeping epic novels take more than 4 months to write so he told me not to be a cow & Toby was just being enthusiastic.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Don’t blame you for being pissed off about Toby but as Anna will be glad to tell you, blood is thicker than water and Dan probably worries about Toby and is as anxious as you are for him to reach adulthood. Do think on the balance of probabilities unlikely that he will complete epic novel in 4 months (or indeed at all), but not Dan’s fault so don’t take it out on him.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: mad neighbour

Forgot to tell you about weirdy neighbour Brian Turner’s most recent bonkers preoccupation which has been millennium computer bugs. Came back to stack of barmy letters delivered to all neighbours while we were away. Brian’s apocalyptic predictions included failure of all computers leading to pollution of the water system, no food deliveries to shops, no electricity, gas, etc, etc, this in turn would lead to lawlessness on streets as starving, thirsty people (less well prepared than Brian & his tanklike wife Hildegard) would be forced to roam London stealing canned goods from each other. Among list of many recommendations to prepare ourselves for nightmare new millennium were obvious things like buying lots of tinned food, bottled water, candles, etc, etc, but Brian also, more ominously, suggested keeping a baseball bat by the front door to protect supplies from marauding strangers. Anyway saw Brian in our road today – I THINK looking sheepish (though hard to tell through his big woolly beard), brave of him to come out as he looks a complete arse now. (Though must secretly admit do have quite a lot of water & beans stored in cellar.)

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

You should have scampered anxiously up to him and enquired if it was safe yet to dispense with the baseball bat you’ve been keeping by the front door. I did stock up a bit too, I must admit, though I see with much irritation that my plan to only buy stuff that we would eventually use up anyway has failed as I have inadvertently bought loads of tins of baked beans with sausages in instead of plain baked beans, which the children do eat. Am not about to feed them tinned sausages, God knows what horrendous mechanically recovered body parts go into them.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: FRAN HAS CRASHED MY FUCKING CAR

Well, not so much crashed it as driven it in slow motion (while I shrieked instructions at her) into some railings outside St Margaret’s. My car is ok, bumper just a bit scraped, unfortunately my nerves & railings are not. Definite dent in railings which unlike my nerves can’t be fixed with large stiff drink. Fran is possibly the world’s worst driver. She drives incredibly slowly while giving the impression of being recklessly out of control. Can’t believe she isn’t grateful DVLC allow her to take the test let alone entertain deranged notion she might one day pass it. Fran v indignant about ‘railings episode’ (too much of an indictment to call it a crash). She says they ‘came at her’. Pointed out to her that if you head towards a stationary object it does tend to ‘come towards you’.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

You must be mad to let her drive your car. The roads are, after all, full of people and objects that can ‘come at you’ quite suddenly when you drive towards them.

We’ve decided to go to Cuba in March when the children have 2 weeks off school. Really looking forward to it. Only a couple of hours flight from here and looks fab in the brochures. Am very much not enjoying the cold and the snow and there are months to go yet.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

God, how fantastic, am vv jealous. Weather miserable & grey here, not even interesting & snowy.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Have spent the last 3 days ferrying Rob downtown to see the school’s recommended educational psychologist. Her main finding, $1800 and many man hours later, seems to be that he is a lovely boy. Glad that’s sorted. Actually am quite cheered up, she doesn’t seem to think there’s much wrong. Insofar as I can decipher the very vague recommendations she has made, I think she has told me I am too pushy with him, but all couched in such euphemisms that quite hard to tell. She is concerned about his fears which she thinks are a bit extreme so has referred us to someone else. Yippee.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: money well spent

Suppose better to spend $1800 being told your son is lovely rather than not, though I would have happily told you he was v nice for $1000. Are his fears really that extreme? I know he’s quite anxious but he seemed fine at Christmas.

From: Rachel Lockwood

To: Nell Fenton

Dear Nell

How are you all? One of my (many) New Year’s resolutions was to email you at least once a week, which as you can see I have already failed to do.

I redecorated our bedroom (another resolution) but discovered quite quickly that something as apparently straightforward as hanging wallpaper is entirely beyond my capabilities. It looks dreadful, all wonky and the top was very messy too but I hid that by sticking on a frieze. I wasted so much wallpaper it probably wouldn’t have cost much more to get a proper decorator to do it. At least Jonathan has been full of praise and says it looks beautiful.

I’ll email next week without fail.

Fondest love to all

Rachel xx

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: imminent arrival of nephew/niece

Spoke to Tom & then Maude this evening. Maude sounding remarkably cheerful despite being enormous & having awful backache. Tom says M has become source of great hilarity on streets of Paris, as she does not look at all pregnant from behind but absolutely gigantic from side & front as though someone has stuffed v large beach ball up the jumper of a thin normal person. All Parisian women have weeny babies and therefore nothing so inelegant as a stretch mark. Maude’s girth regarded with incredulity & ill-concealed horror by the pouty Frenchwomen at her antenatal class. Apparently these classes complete opposite of NCT ones she did in London before she had Betsey. Whereas in UK any pain relief during childbirth is seen as huge failure, in France you’re seen as complete idiot if you don’t have whatever’s going plus un pichet de vin rouge during labour (may have made that bit up). M sends you her love & says email her as she is too fat to go out & therefore v bored.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Poor Maude. Once your due date is past, time defies all the laws of the universe and practically comes to a standstill.

Had to take a theory test on driving today to qualify to take my road test. So many years since I have taken any kind of test (other than a pregnancy test) was more nervous than for my law finals. Managed to pass though there were questions that were not in the stupid book you’re supposed to learn from. Didn’t know the answer to what a blue flashing light signifies (snowplough apparently), also a section on hand signals that I got all wrong. Since this is no longer the 1940s who the bloody hell uses hand signals when they are driving? At least the sort that signify an imminent manoeuvre.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Bloody hell what a nightmare. Always considered one of the very few advantages of being aged was that since I took my driving test in the olden days, at least didn’t have to sit ghastly theory test. (Hand signals in Canada particularly fine idea, isn’t it always minus 27?)

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

More or less, am sick of being frozen and this week I went with Rob on a school ski trip. He started skiing last week and really didn’t like it much and I can’t blame him, too many in the class and it was so bitterly cold, freezing wind blowing all day, so this week I offered to go along for moral support. Stood all day in the unspeakable cold, anyhow by lunchtime he said he liked it a bit better so I thought it was all worth it, then at the end of the day he went up on the button lift and as he got off one of the lift seats hit him on the back of the head and knocked him over. He was so upset, and you know Rob, not one to dismiss an injury lightly so don’t know how I’m ever going to persuade him to go back. Also honestly don’t know if I’ll ever get warm again.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Michael is in the world’s worst mood. Been stamping blackly round the house for about 3 hours, smouldering silences broken occasionally by explosive indictments of all things Canadian. He took his driving test and failed on just about everything, including incorrect use of the brakes when parallel parking?? Haven’t seen him so furious in ages.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Good grief, how dreadful for Michael, told Dan who was horrified, he will call Michael to say something blokeish and supportive. Failing driving test complete torture for a man, sure Dan would much prefer to have a public announcement that he secretly wears a bra and panties under his clothes than a suggestion that he is anything less than a brilliant driver.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I have bought Rob a hamster for his birthday to try and build up his confidence with animals and Josie was so longing for one I got her one too. Much more expensive than you’d think. The hamsters themselves are cheap but the cages and all the equipment are not and I don’t think I need remind you that two hamsters cannot share a cage. Cat seems pretty determined to eat them, keep finding her sitting on top of the cages.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: forgiving & forgetting

I think I was probably 4 or 5 when I put your hamster in with Anna’s & as you well know I thought they were just ‘playing’. How was I to know it was a fight to the death? I think it is time for you to LET GO & MOVE ON.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I had my pre-test driving lesson, v nice instructor, but as I predicted there are lots of stupid rules and my bad habits are v hard to break. Michael has cheered up a bit as 3 of the other English imports in his office have also failed their tests and one was told he wasn’t going to be doing the highway part of the test as his driving wasn’t safe enough. This is a bloke whose hobby is driving across continents. Michael much soothed by suffering of his colleagues.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I SIMPLY CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT. I have failed my fucking driving test, and not only have I failed, but I failed before I got out of the driving-test car park. This was because there was a stop sign, and road was completely clear so I slowed the car to a standstill but didn’t actually stamp down on the brake and give the instructor a whiplash injury with my ‘stopping’. To make it a worse torture I was 99.9% sure I had managed to fail before getting onto the road, but a tiny unquenchable flame of optimism continued to burn in my breast till the bitter end so it was still a blow when he told me. He was quite nice actually and sat quite patiently listening to the stream of expletives with which I greeted the news. I absolutely refuse to take that test again so shall now drive illegally. I am a far better driver than most Canadians, they have no concept of obeying the overtaking rules on the highway so it’s the most alarming free-for-all and they have loads of awful accidents.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Fuck a stoat. Would definitely fail my driving test if I took it now. This morning reversed v publicly (& hard) into post outside Ellie & Maddie’s school. Fran EXTREMELY sympathetic about you failing your test and says this proves the fact that perfectly good drivers (like herself) can fail.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Hamsters are possibly the worst pets in the world. Gave in to the children’s desperate pleas to have the cages in their bedrooms though it seemed very unhygienic and disgusting to me. Not only are they utterly boring all day, being fast asleep, they are then highly active and noisy all night, running endlessly on their bloody hamster wheels, so they are now banished to the basement. They also nip you all the time so I have bought the children cotton gloves to handle them but so far no luck persuading Rob to pick his up. So my plan that he would gain confidence and learn to love his little furry companion has been remarkably unsuccessful and if he is ever going to even touch the vile little creature, I am going to have to tame it for him, and animal lover that I am I believe perhaps rodents are my very favourite.

What should I get Maddie for her b’day?

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Maddie’s birthday

I’m having a little dressing table with fairy lights round the mirror made for her. Have been very crafty all week threading brightly coloured love beads onto florist wire, to make flowers to go round light. Looks lovely so far but have loads more to do & v time-consuming. You could get some accoutrement to go with the dressing table, anything as long as it’s pink or glittery.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: birthday preparations out of control

I have abandoned all pretence of looking after children & doing housework in favour of getting ready for Maddie’s birthday party this w/e. She is having a kings & queens party. Albert who dropped in to fix a leaking tap ended up making her a fabulous throne from a kitchen chair and some MDF. Meanwhile, in between making sodding wire flowers (why did I ever start?), I’ve been sewing 2 royal dresses and a prince’s outfit for Hugh, also one very sumptuous red velvet cloak lined with purple satin trimmed with what would have been ermine if I hadn’t got Dan to do the black dots on the white fur, not so much dots as great big walnut-sized splodges. Really annoying as now the cloak looks like it is trimmed with Dalmatian. Am now on the home run, making drawstring satin party bags while bewildered Ana Frid has been instructed to substitute ironing with cutting out golden crowns from cardboard for children to decorate with stick-on jewels when they arrive. Had to have jewels sent express as had ordered them too late to be on time for party, might as well have bought real emeralds, the amount they’re costing.