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From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Albert has spotted staining on living-room ceiling and is very gloomy about it. He says ‘given time’ it will definitely fall down. Pointed out to him rather tersely, given time all ceilings eventually fall down & I am sure ceiling will be perfectly fine as water merely ‘rushed through’.

Any snow yet? Thank God it’s v mild here at the moment although house still feels bloody freezing in the middle.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

No snow, better get some as I’ve spent a fortune on snow boots and snow pants for all of them.

The school has sent invitations to parent/teacher night. Extremely ominous, for Ollie and Josie they are printed and a 15-min time slot is allocated but Rob’s has a handwritten note attached saying we’ve been given an extra 15 mins for him. Don’t think it’s because they have so many good things to say about him that 30 mins is required. Oh God.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Mustn’t always jump to negative conclusions. Probably some perfectly innocuous explanation.

Central heating is FINALLY working. Can’t believe living hell is over. Keith & Gerry here till past midnight in final push to finish (can’t fault them for lack of hard work – through obviously the several gallons of water pouring through living-room ceiling last week presented something of a ‘glitch’). I am so pathetically grateful to have fully functioning heating on ALL floors plus the unutterable luxury of hot water that has not come out of a kettle or saucepan. Dan & I quite unwashed (till this morning) as has just been too unpleasantly cold to barely get our buttocks wet in an unheated bathroom. Not sure what Ana Frid has been doing but has managed to look relentlessly clean & wholesome. Feel like Scarlett O’Hara, swear I’ll never go unwashed again (am sure I smelt a little bit last week – Dan certainly did). Now have to clean up house for Lou & Walt’s visit though not quite sure how to address living-room smell (wet dog).

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Why not get a dog and keep it fairly wet, then you’ll have a perfect explanation for the smell?

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Weather’s turned bloody freezing, even fully functioning central heating is no match for the force 9 gale blowing off the heath & through the v gappy spare-room windows. Have had to buy & install window cling film, a sort of instant/disposable double glazing that you stick round your windows with v high-tech double-sided tape & then heat with a hairdryer till becomes taut and according to instructions ‘invisible’. Never seen anything less invisible in my life – you can see it from the bloody street. Cling film stuff bulges alarmingly every time wind blows & am slightly concerned big gust of wind might cause it to burst from its moorings, fly onto the bed & suffocate Lou & Walt while they sleep.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Quite the reverse here, when you open a window you hear a sort of sucking sound like an airtight seal being broken. All double poss triple? glazed. Only air actually coming into the house has been preprocessed through huge machine in the boiler room where it is cooled/heated, cleaned and humidified. Feel like we are living in Brave New World.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Am worn to a ravelling (like vv tired person or Tailor of Gloucester). Preparing for Lou & Walt visit like preparing for state visit but without the fleet of servants to help. Ana Frid and I worked like maniacs all day doing marathon clean-up ready for their arrival tonight. House was in even more dire and muddy state than usual this morning due to fireworks party last night. Also had to rewash & iron all Lou & Walt’s bedding as rather disastrously (& v heroically) removed poor, miserable coldy Hugh from our bed & took him into spare bed with me. so Dan could get some sleep. Spare-room bed had been made up in anticipation of L & W’s arrival. This morning, however, both me & the bed comprehensively smeared with dried-on yellow snot. So idiotic of me not to get bogey-free Dan to sleep there, tried to deal with it with baby wipes but to no avail. Dan helpfully suggested simply turning everything over but as Lou is always doing stuff like airing her bed don’t dare risk it.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Though I consider baby wipes one of the finest creations of the human brain and have found more applications for them than I can count, don’t think you can actually launder bedding with them. I’m tired all the time at the moment too as have been defeated in all my attempts to get Ollie to stay in his own bed. By simply screaming till he’s sick he can get exactly what he wants, which is to sleep in our bed where he behaves like a washing machine on its final spin. Michael always crawls off to the spare room, but since he’s quite frequently joined there by Rob, who, when scared, likes to sleep clamped against your body for security reasons and who, as soon as he’s asleep, becomes a sort of kung-fu fighter, can’t be too critical of this defection from the marital bed.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Walt & Lou arrived tonight night looking v glam & sunglassesy (so wish I was the sort of person who could carry off sunglasses in the winter, last time I tried Fran asked me if I had conjunctivitis again). Lou has got v skinny since last time I saw her, says she’s addicted to bikram yoga and it’s awesome for mind and body. Walt not interested so he looks the same. Really lovely to see them & both on v good form with lots of funny stories about NY etc. Children asleep when they arrived so am looking forward to the morning as know they will be overjoyed. Ellie has already checked with me about 1000 times that Lou is actually coming & actually bringing presents. Told her not to be so grabby (v hypocritical as was secretly quite excited myself).

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Lou & Walt visit going v well so far although slightly sticky start this morning when Hugh hugged the back of Walt’s legs before I’d wiped his nose. Managed to get everything off with baby wipes. Lou gave me a beautiful pair of chocolate calfskin gloves & the children a lovely book each, which they received v graciously (thank God as can be ghastly ungrateful little toerags about books & say things like ‘Where’s my real present?’). Obviously they didn’t SAY anything but think L & W bit shocked by state of the house in cold light of day. Think they imagined if not finished at least we’d be at the decorating stage. Also clearly cannot comprehend why anyone would choose to move out of central London to a place without a Starbucks let alone a tube station. Difficult to explain to someone without children the utter tedium of constantly having to cart them to local playground as tiny paved Islington garden a death trap. Anyway have to get off computer now to prepare delicious dairy-free dinner.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

So is it no dairy now, as well as no red meat or wheat? Yum.

From: Rachel Lockwood

To: Nell Fenton

Dear Nell

How are you all? I’ve had so many compliments on the lovely sweater you sent me and today the man in the queue behind me at the supermarket started chatting to me and then asked me if I’d like to go out for a drink, which I attribute entirely to my new sweater. Admittedly he was no Adonis but it’s such a very rare thing these days I was still a bit flattered.

Mum and Dad came to stay last weekend, they’re both really well and send you their love. It was so nice to have them and Jack was very charming which was a relief since he complained endlessly about them coming before-hand. Mind you, he wasn’t around much which was fine except we were all invited to our neighbours’ for bonfire night and though he promised to be back in time he didn’t turn up till halfway through the evening because he’d run into an old friend and obviously that was more important than keeping his commitments to us. I could see everyone, especially Dad, thought it was spectacularly rude but we all pretended it was the most normal thing in the world. I had to hide the fact that I wanted to jab him repeatedly with barbecue skewers because it would worry Mum and Dad (and be bad form at someone else’s party). Anyhow I still had a nice weekend in spite of being married to bastard-head.

Fondest love to all

Rachel xx

From: Nell Fenton

To: Rachel Lockwood

Dear Rachel, perfectly natural to want to jab one’s husband with a skewer sometimes and arriving late better than not coming at all. I’m so glad your parents are well, please send them my love when you speak to them next. All well here though Rob struggling a bit at school, doesn’t really seem to notice it, told me yesterday he was the best reader in his class which sadly I think is the opposite of the truth but at least it shows there’s no problem with his self-esteem. Love Nell

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Lou & Walt had v bad night last night. Unfortunately it was extremely windy & they found it hard to sleep as stupid bloody cling film I put up at the window kept ‘sucking in & then blowing out’ making ‘a loud whooshing sound’ (which made Walt ‘edgy’). Lou calmed him with a homeopathic remedy & then apparently they both managed to fall asleep BUT NOT FOR LONG because a particularly strong gust of wind caused a corner of fucking plastic sheeting on one of the windows to come loose & start flapping around so then sucking & rustling noise from other 2 windows was accompanied by whipping sound. Both tried to stick flapping corner back down but it kept bursting loose again and then a corner of the plastic whipped Walt’s eye. Injury drawn to my attention by the fact that Walt came down with (v lovely) blue & black scarf tied diagonally across his head over hurt eye. Both he & Lou looked quite rough this morning. Have removed cling film from other 2 windows but the temperature in the room has plummeted & although heating is really cranked up & rest of the house v warm their room remains vv chilly also think Walt may have caught Hugh’s cold, either that or has had v bad reaction to the Camembert he ate last night.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

V sorry to hear about Walt’s eye. Can be terribly dangerous tussling with cling film, also I believe that careful analysis of Camembert might reveal that it does in fact contain dairy products which I thought they didn’t eat? Heard from Rachel yesterday, sounds like Jack still being a big wanker.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Actually bought the Camembert for us, didn’t expect Lou or Walt to have any, but everyone a bit drunk & Walt decided in moment of recklessness to eat some. Anna rang this evening & said they went to a Guy Fawkes party in the village where everybody was supposed to bring fireworks only they couldn’t because Toulouse-Lautrec got to them & bit all the rockets & ate half the mega Catherine wheel she’d bought. Luckily he threw it up in the car on the way to the vet so they were able to go to the party after all, albeit empty-handed.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Shame it didn’t blow him up.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Discovered today that a thermostat on a blow heater is in fact a GOOD THING as ancient one Fran lent me & I solicitously placed in Lou & Walt’s bedroom to try & warm it a little caught fire this evening. Was downstairs with Ana Frid making the children’s supper when I heard Lou shrieking from upstairs, ran up to find her ineffectually batting at the licking flames with a hand towel, grabbed hand towel off her so I could bat at it ineffectually myself. Fortunately Ana Frid took charge, sprinted back downstairs to get a saucepan lid, charged back in, unplugged heater at wall (which neither I nor Lou had thought to do) & placed saucepan lid over the flames which killed them. Then had to open all their bedroom windows to try & disperse the aroma of burnt electrical appliance – didn’t work, really nasty acrid smell persisted to remind us all of my attempt to kill guests.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Reassuring to hear what a cool head you keep in a crisis. Suggest next time something bursts into flame you toss Ana Frid’s passport into the fire so she has to stay with you forever.

Mind you, am not beyond reproach myself. In a crazed moment of guilt at uprooting the children, have bought them a kitten. Quite sweet if you like animals which my tenderest admirer could not accuse me of. Not an unqualified success since Rob was so scared of it he spent 2 days on the kitchen table, though it’s no bigger than his foot. Anyhow on day 3 he suddenly announced he was going to try holding it after school. ‘Holding it’ turned out to be sitting on the sofa with a large cushion on his lap and having the kitten placed on the cushion for about 8 seconds by me. Still, I could see the effort it cost him and was v proud of him. This morning I came down in a nightdress with bare legs and the adorable creature scampered up my leg using my bare flesh as purchase for its little needlelike claws. Couldn’t shriek and bat it away as I wanted to as I keep assuring Rob it can’t hurt him, so gently removed it from my throbbing leg and hobbled upstairs to find some trousers to hide the trickles of blood. Reminded me of a couple of months ago when Michael was in the garden playing with the boys and his smile suddenly became quite fixed. Muttered to me that he had just been stung by a wasp, didn’t want Rob to know (would never go outside again if he knew there was a chance he could be stung). Think by the time we have finished bringing Rob up we will both be like some sort of SAS commandos, or perhaps impassive martial arts masters, capable of withstanding terrible pain without reacting … Suppose everyone has to have at least one high-maintenance child. At least Josie besotted with the kitten and Ollie mildly diverted.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

ARE YOU COMPLETELY MAD?? You hate animals. You hate them even more than I do & I hate them a lot. Ellie & Maddie constantly nagging for a dog, have explained to them it’s never going to happen so instead they must train Hugh to do doglike things. He always eats like a dog anyway & has now become quite proficient at lapping water from a bowl. Will also spend up to 10 mins at a time ‘sleeping’ in his dog basket (large cardboard box). Had to set parameters when I found him growling, tied to the table leg with a skipping rope round his neck. Now when they take him for a walk they grumble that you don’t see real dogs with leads round their middles. Don’t like to point out that real dogs tend not to wear jeans & a sweatshirt & break off halfway through ‘walkies’ to watch Thomas the Tank Engine with juice & a biscuit.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Wish I’d thought of training one of my children as a dog before getting tiresome cat. Am inexplicably fond of all of them so would be happy to have any one of them as a pet.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Lou & Walt have made the acquaintance of weirdy neighbour Brian Turner. Saw them talking to him outside the front of the house. The 3 of them made an interesting sight – Lou wearing v high black Prada boots looked about 6' 2", Walt next to her looked small & menacing in inky-black Gaultier suit with his ‘eye scarf’ – until you clocked his feet, Birkenstocks with thick pink socks, & then there was Brian, just medium normal-sized but with his outlandishly big woolly head & orange polo neck. Think Brian stopped to talk to them because of Walt’s Birkenstocks (that & fact he’s unbelievably nosy). What he doesn’t realise is Walt is wearing them in an ironic way. Lou said Brian is v knowledgeable about historic walks through London & should I ever need any info on said topic he’s my man. (Useful as this tip is cannot envisage seeking Brian’s advice under any circumstances.)

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Not clear – is it the wearing of Birkenstocks with a suit or wearing the Birkenstocks with thick pink socks that’s ironic? Also how can you be sure that big woolly head and orange jumper aren’t also intended to be ironic? Seems unlikely that anyone would have either of those things simply because they thought they were attractive. Mind you, saw Suzette this morning in an emerald-green angora sweater with one of those hideous cowl necks, which I suppose proves there’s no accounting for taste.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

I am now officially the perfect hostess. To make up for the blow-heater episode, asked Ana Frid, who irons beautifully, to do Lou’s laundry for her. Anyway I really don’t know how he did it, but somebody slipped my very beautiful new brown leather gloves & 3 stickle bricks into a white wash. Whole wash including a large quantity of Lou’s white Hanro vests & knickers & a beautiful Yohji Yamamoto shirt have come out streaked with brown. Gloves obviously completely ruined (like tiny hard leather claws now) but stickle bricks absolutely fine, indeed better than fine, vv clean. Am so embarrassed, I know vests & the shirt particularly would have been really expensive. Even Lou, despite her impeccable manners, could not suppress small involuntary scream when I admitted about the shirt. Have had to spend a lot of time calming down poor Ana Frid who had the misfortune to be the person who put the wash on but as I don’t believe she added the gloves & stickle bricks I really don’t think she is to blame. We must do about 63 washes a day so why does Hugh pick the one sodding wash with Lou’s stuff in it to sabotage?

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

I’m surprised with Hugh in the house you haven’t trained Ana Frid to search the machine for foreign objects before putting on a wash. The other day I found a crumpled photo, some pebbles, an elastic band and a paper clip in Rob’s pocket, all of which I naturally threw away. When he found out what I had done he was furious as apparently I had thrown away all the raw materials he needed to make himself a penknife. Who knew?

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Lou & Walt have checked into a hotel for last 2 days of their visit to everybody’s huge relief. It appears that Albert was right & Keith was wrong about the living-room ceiling. Having survived my attempts to kill them by hypothermia and fire I think it was the large clod of plaster that fell from the corner of the living-room ceiling narrowly missing Walt’s head that finally did it. Thump of falling clod (& Lou shrieking ‘GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT’) alerted us all to the fact that part of the ceiling was about to come down so we all exited the room before being killed. I think I’m having a failure to cope. Hate this fucking house & want to check into the hotel with Lou & Walt (have become strangely accustomed to the now familiar sound of Lou screaming – but as she is now in a hotel & presumably nothing is catching fire or falling on her head I’m guessing the screaming has stopped). Although it’s only the corner of the ceiling the mess is unbelievably terrible, EVERYTHING is thickly coated in gritty white dust even food in the fridge. Even Ana Frid looks depressed.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

You should never have tried to have them to stay. The house is a bit grim now but it’s a fantastic and beautiful house and you’ll forget the pain like childbirth once you’ve finished it.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

I suppose you’re right. I know it will be finished someday, just don’t anticipate it being in my lifetime. I think Albert sensed I’d HAD IT when he came in this morning because when he saw the living-room ceiling instead of saying ‘I told you so’ followed by ‘obviously entire house now needs to be pulled down & rebuilt from scratch’ he was unusually soothing & even patted my arm & then said it just needed partly cutting out & patching in & it wouldn’t take long or cost much & this time he really would give me a quote before he started. Felt my mood lurch from complete despair to tearful relief & gratitude. Have had to replace Maddie’s school shoes as we’ve lost one. So irritating, they were really nice ones I got in Bordeaux in the summer. Hugh acting innocent.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Lost school shoe nothing in this house. Unless clothes are stapled to Rob’s body they’re as good as lost. Only November and he’s on his second winter coat.

From: Lou Corrigan

To: Charlotte Bailey

Thanks so much for having us to visit – we had a blast! The last two days in the hotel were really boring in comparison and the kids are great, we miss them already. I’ve mailed a little black shoe I found in my bag – I’ve no idea how it got in there – sorry! Speak soon x L

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Was reading ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ & Stephen Covey (bald yet effective author) explaining evil of debt & how none of his 57 children have ever borrowed money – always saved to buy stuff, go on trips, etc, anyway got me thinking about how we are going to pay for our trip. Realise 1) there is no way our overdraft can take the strain of 5 transatlantic flights and 2) am not one of Stephen Covey’s children, so am investigating possibility of obtaining new credit card (Sainsbury’s) in order to finance trip. Will revert when decision re trip is made (by Sainsbury’s, not me).

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Delighted that Stephen Covey has at last said something that has actually proved useful though I thought you stopped reading that piece of rubbish after you dropped it in the bath. Needless to say Michael has changed his mind about his car and has decided he needs a giant SUV due to imminent arrival of the snow. Said to him, if only we’d known back in September that it was going to snow this winter we could have saved the bother and expense of changing cars. Was quite pleased with this piece of withering sarcasm, but he declined to answer.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Stephen Covey wrong about evil of credit card & purveyors of credit like Sainsbury’s. Sainsbury’s similar to ‘Relate’ as they will be reuniting a separated family this Christmas. Have provisionally booked flights arriving 17th leaving 29th. Dan will come later. Let me know if those dates don’t suit. Actually don’t bother as I don’t think I can change them.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Excellent. We are very excited, though Rob and Ollie having some trouble with the concept that your arrival is not going to be today, or at worst tomorrow. Feel warmly affectionate towards Sainsbury’s and hate people who don’t have credit cards or, worse still, those people who have them and use them wisely.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Just back from parent night. I thought my heart could not sink any further, but was proved wrong by the appearance of school principal to join our meeting. Not, fortunately, the giant arse (head of whole school) but Mrs Doughty, v sensible if slightly scary woman (head of the lower school). The main concern is Rob’s attention span (or rather complete absence thereof). They were very nice about him, Mrs Doughty spoke v affectionately of him, as indeed she should, he being a particularly endearing child. She said he is very complex – well, yar, had noticed that myself as it happens. Anyway the upshot is they want me to take him to an educational psychologist to see if they need to ‘modify the school programme for him’. Came out of there feeling absolutely crushed. Struggled as usual to fill the allotted 15 mins re Josie as she, as ever, gives no cause for concern. Even more difficult with Ollie’s teacher on account of the fact that greatest challenge he faces at school is not pooing himself (so far 100% success rate).

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Makes you long for the days when your biggest worry was whether your boob tube would stay up at the Bourne Club disco. Try not to worry too much, he’s such a lovely boy & clearly bright. (By the way, hats off to Ollie.)

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Have been working v hard on turning the children into proper over-scheduled little Canadians. Josie and Rob do skating on Saturday mornings now. All Canadian children must know how to skate. It’s the law (probably), anyhow don’t want mine left out and they’ve been enjoying it even though it’s a bit of a shag dragging ourselves out every Saturday morning and lugging all the skates and helmets etc along.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Sounds irritatingly wholesome to me.

Went shopping for Hugh’s birthday yesterday, if only all present shopping this straightforward. Basically everything I bought if it was not a train was something to do with a train. Lots of wooden track from Early Worthy Centre, a couple of trains from there & then some Brio stuff to go with it. Brio invented by marketing genius who makes turntables, tunnels, etc, etc, unavailable elsewhere so obliged to buy the Brio version – genius lies in the pricing, chief executive at Brio factory plucks ludicrously high figure out of thin air, marketing director doubles it & then distributor’s wife adds a nought. Net result being Brio engine shed costs about the same as the garden shed Albert is trying to persuade me I need. (Didn’t buy it, just marvelled at the price.) Anyway Hugh now kitted out with basic train track a bridge & Brio Thomas the Tank Engine train & tunnel. V excited about giving it to him.