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From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: emergency situation developing

Haven’t made/bought & therefore obviously sent out any Christmas cards yet & people keep sending the bloody things to me. Present buying also v much in arrears as was lulled into false sense of security by buying what I thought were loads of presents in October & then doing nothing till now. Checked present drawer yesterday – unfortunately loads turns out to be 3 & none of those particularly great. So now you must quickly tell me what you want & what your offspring passionately want that is also easily available, extremely cheap, light & easy to carry. Dan & I just going to give each other stockings this year – the felt sort filled with thoughtful little gifts not spanky stay-ups for pervy sex (although sure Dan would prefer to give me some of them rather than the waffle iron I am going to ask for – intend to become the sort of person who makes fresh waffles for breakfast). Re Xmas cards – have you received Selena’s annual soft-focus photo of her children charading as a Christmas card yet? I haven’t & am also eagerly anticipating Annabel’s Christmas round robin describing in fascinating detail events of the past year – its highs, its lows, its ups, its downs, its ins, its outs, etc, etc … although actually there never are any lows, downs or outs. Last year, best she could manage was burning 50 home-made hot-cross buns intended for Easter fete tea. May have to ring you when it comes, to read it to you, as Dan doesn’t derive the proper enjoyment from it. If only she knew how much pleasure her Christmas message brings.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Am naturally eager to share Annabel’s holiday message with you. Christmas very much a time to spread happiness and am therefore delighted to be able to share similar (though email), from Suzette which came this morning. Am of course flattered, though somewhat taken aback to already be in the ‘dear friends’ category but one shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Think it does add a little extra touch of class to share with her 100 closest friends the coy hints about her marvellously active sex life with Kane. Clearly if one is as attractive as she is, one’s husband can’t keep off rogering one senseless every 5 mins. Don’t suppose this is so in Annabel’s case, what with being married to a man of the cloth.

Dear friends

A very merry Christmas and a happy and prosperous New Year to you all. Another year has flown by and Kane and I and our beautiful girls are happy and well. As the years pass we find more and more joy in reflecting on our many blessings and as this year draws to its close we can certainly look back with peace and happiness in our hearts.

The girls are growing up so fast, Sophie is almost as tall as I am now, a real young woman, and they are both so funny and special and continue to do wonderfully well in their studies. We are very fortunate. Sophie is proving to be quite a gifted artist with many of her pictures displayed around her school and Takara is still a very keen gymnast and her coach tells me she shows great promise.

I have taken up horseback riding this year and started learning the saxophone as I am always looking for ways to expand my horizons. Music, of course, enriches the soul and riding is an amazing way to free your mind and refresh your spirit. My instructor is wonderful, though quite a tease. He calls me ‘The Red Peril’ – I can’t think why!!

Kane and I took a fabulous vacation in California in the spring, the first we have had without the girls for some years. We had a great time, wonderful meals, walks along the beach, just spending time together and of course plenty of … romance! … it was like a second honeymoon and I packed lots of lacy lingerie and very little else, not that Kane needs encouraging in that direction at any time of the year!!

Our menagerie continues to grow since I can never resist an animal in distress, so we now have our two dogs, Buster and Bibi, both great characters. Three cats, Mittens, Lolly and Peetie – they consider themselves very superior to the dogs! We have also inherited a mynah bird called Min who makes us laugh with his tricks and a lizard called Spike who keeps escaping so this house is even crazier than before!

So, dear friends I send you all our warmest holiday wishes. May your tables be laden, your homes warm and welcoming and your dear ones be near you throughout this special season.

Suzette, Kane, Sophie and Takara

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: All Things Christmassy

How can I get on her mailing list? Haven’t so thoroughly enjoyed reading anything for ages. Glad to hear you’re wrong about Sophie and she’s not moody and unpleasant but is ‘funny and special’. Took Fran to get her Christmas tree this morning (Joe away). She has another driving test next week and says by law of averages she will definitely, definitely pass this time, seemed churlish to mention don’t think examiners take the law of averages into account when they decide whether or not you’re road-worthy … anyway ended up buying a tree for us too. Even though we’re coming to you, seemed miserable not to get one at all & the children all desperate for one. Spent the afternoon decorating it – tried not to be too blatantly controlling by immediately rearranging their decorations but instead will wait till they’re safely in bed. Hugh’s rather catastrophic method of embellishment was to just hold the decoration in the vicinity of the branch he wanted it to go on & then let go. Didn’t work very well. So I spent the afternoon sweeping up decorations while he stood behind me going ‘uh-oh’.

Got Selena’s ‘card’ this morning, probably hasn’t reached you yet so allow me to whet your appetite. This year it’s a musical theme with Ariadne playing the lute (no, that is not a typo it really is a lute), Portia on a clarinet/oboe? can’t tell really so bloody soft focus & dark (obviously whole scene candlelit) & as the piece de resistance Edwin playing a v manly harpsichord. Do they actually play any of these instruments? Can’t decide whether it’s worse to set the whole thing up as a gigantic pose or actually make your child learn the lute & harpsichord …

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Yes, hard one to call, rather suspect they do actually learn them, after all have with my own eyes seen the girls wearing velvet cloaks with fur muffs. Am obviously now awaiting the card most eagerly. Mind you, not impossible that it came and I never saw it as I walked into the kitchen yesterday to find Michael opening a Christmas card, glancing at it then chucking it in the bin. As I have never yet seen him open anything that came in the post in our 87 years of marriage I was momentarily rendered speechless. When I did recover power of speech I gently enquired how many other cards he had thrown out. Unfortunately I was unable to elicit any useful information as he thought it might be a few but couldn’t say who they were from, so now suspect there may be cards to which I have failed to retaliate.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Christmas Bazaar (I shall be marvellous)

Dan says he is going to kill me as I have become involved in the fundraising committee at school and have volunteered to help run the Christmas bazaar. Am in charge of Christmas decorations stall so schlepped all the way to Old Street to specialist art shop to buy v thin sheet copper & tin with which to make charming leaf decorations (these will be sold on the stall), fingers now bloodied stumps & children & husband sick of me ignoring them while I make v tasteful oak-leaf garlands. Still have to make 100 mini felt stockings & Xmas trees (for children to decorate at the stall), have also promised foreign & therefore pleasingly educational Swedish Christmas bread for the cake stall which Ana Frid is going to show me how to make.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

You are so bonkers, you’re the only person on earth who’d go to that ridiculous amount of trouble for a school bazaar, and it’s only so everyone will say oh-my-goodness-isn’t-she-creative-and-original but secretly they will hate you.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Hugh’s naughtiest day

Bloody hell, Hugh a total nightmare at the moment. No doubt entirely my own fault as I am far too indulgent & practically always laugh at what he has done. Today he surpassed himself. Morning started fine, with a bit of quiet painting until he decided to go ‘off-piste’ as it were while I was upstairs putting away laundry. Ignored large quantity of sugar paper laid out in front of him & instead lavishly painted the kitchen walls. Paint claims to be washable, true you can wash it but it doesn’t bloody well come off. That accomplished, he moved upstairs to busy himself in the living room by stripping the decorations off all the branches he could reach on our Christmas tree. All the while taking experimental bites with his small sharp teeth out of the fake gingerbread men decorations I made last year & mauling apples & satsumas I’d hung up on ribbons. He wisely decided against eating the gingerbread men as they are made from salt dough coloured with coffee (for authentic gingerbread appearance), instead spat bits out all over the living-room floor. His next move – possibly a crude attempt to cleanse palate of vile salt dough/coffee taste? – was to eat most of the chocolates out of Ellie’s Advent calendar. Finally (and v dramatically) got so cross about being stopped from eating chocolates he threw Ellie’s favourite snow globe so hard he broke it. That done, he rested. What to do?

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

He can’t help himself, it’s the testosterone. V much hope that if I get pregnant again will be a girl as I richly deserve a rest from boys.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: a star is born

Have just returned in triumph from Maddie’s nursery play. She was a star (in the literal sense – silver card head band with silver card star on front) & while she had no words to say & didn’t appear to join in on any of the songs, morning a glorious success as she managed not to cry FOR ENTIRE DURATION OF PLAY. I, however, compensated by becoming v tearful at moving spectacle of world’s weepiest child not actually crying.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

We had a school concert at which there were no references to anything as controversial as the baby Jesus. What it lacked in religious content it made up for in length. Love school concerts. Hours of sitting on your bum listening to indifferent music badly performed. Josie’s year only did 3 songs and Rob’s only two and while onstage he only stopped fiddling with his willy in order to pick his nose. The bloody teachers have a choir and did 4 songs. Why do they imagine we want to hear them sing???

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Strengthening bread

Perhaps they have lovely voices which you would appreciate if you weren’t so filled with bile. I on the other hand have spent a tranquil and fragrant afternoon making quantities of Swedish Christmas bread with Ana Frid & the children for Christmas bazaar tomorrow. While they look absolutely beautiful & delicious (lots of swirly shapes in saffron yellow with shiny egg glaze & raisins) they have the flavour of antiseptic bandages & the consistency & density of cement blocks. Ana Frid all upset & says we can’t possibly sell them as they are disgusting. Pointed out to her that we have promised them & don’t have time to remake them & also if we position them at back of table, buying public will have to point at them rather than pick them up so will be unaware of their fortifying density until after they have paid for them & by then it will be TOO LATE.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Food sold at bazaars is supposed to be disgusting, people expect it. Anyhow you could stick a little disclaimer on the bottom of each loaf saying ‘Not fit for human consumption – may be used for dressing wounds.’

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Re: Christmas Bazaar (I was not marvellous)

Christmas bazaar a mixed success. Disgusting Swedish bread sold out immediately (crafty placing at back of table ruse 100% successful) though had to avert my eyes whenever I saw anybody gamely trying to eat it (hotly denied any involvement but said marvellous Ana Frid & children entirely responsible). Unfortunately my v tasteful antiqued leaf decorations completely ignored by vulgar masses, so had to buy them all myself. Quite annoying as humiliating & expensive (particularly so as by the end had stopped Albert doing stuff to the house & redirected his energies to the more pressing matter of Xmas garlands), also my hands still covered in tiny cuts. Humiliation turned out to be something of a theme for whole bazaar as had made large colourful poster to advertise fun activity of miniature stocking & tree decorating with words 30p each or 3 for £1. Nobody had actually noticed this v easy to make mistake until Dan turned up he then went round laughing rudely, telling everybody and then actually BROUGHT THE HEADMISTRESS OVER TO SEE THE POSTER. Bastard. (Won’t be seeing me naked for quite some time.)

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Well, I volunteered to help at the Christmas party at our church. Turned out to be a sort of (slightly) festive boot camp run by a group of unmarried women, stalwarts of the church, who clearly dislike children. Each child was issued eight tickets, one for each of the stalls. I was on the lollipop tree (a very exciting game of chance in which you stand to win a plastic toy worth almost $1, and at worst you get a lollipop). They had to play the games in a certain order and were only allowed one turn each. This was ferociously enforced. As each game took about two minutes that accounted for about 16 minutes and then there was a lot of wandering around boredly while they waited for our parish priest (who has very ill-fitting false teeth) to come and delight us with Christmas carols badly played on the guitar.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Hugh Sr, Penelope & Toby came for a pre-Christmas lunch today. For some mad reason (and Dan didn’t stop me) decided it was a good idea to have a big dinner party night before (last night). Dinner party inevitably became quite drunken (Fran & Joe involved). Fran even fell over in the road on the way to their car which was v funny, then Joe announced he was also v drunk so they had to walk home with her falling over every 20 steps, cabs impossible to get at this time of year. Dan & I both had fucking awful hangovers this morning – as children in a state of huge excitement in anticipation of visit from gift-bearing grandparents & exciting Uncle Toby, they all woke up extra, extra early. Hangover so bad actually still felt a bit drunk this morning and v dizzy whenever I had to bend over which unfortunately was all the time as we barely cleared up last night & had to load dishwasher, mop floor, etc, before embarking on lunch preparations. Toby on usual form, he’s leaving his job in telesales (this job lasted a record-breaking 5 months) to travel round the world & write an epic novel. I made hideous mistake of asking why he couldn’t keep his job in telesales & write his epic novel from his bedroom in their house in Eastling. I was then subjected to nearly 15 minutes of Toby standing right over me explaining with great passion how you had to FEEL the wind, TASTE the air, SMELL the heat. Toby so v eloquent about living life it seemed rude to interrupt him by doing lowly lunch-related activities such as turning roast potatoes so stood frozen next to the cooker sporting a pair of oven gloves listening to him until Dan came in and said ‘Shut up, Toby’, and he could SMELL the burning from upstairs. Given that Toby entirely dominated the conversation with his maps and itinerary, lunch v pleasant. Penelope who would be gold medallist if present-buying ever became an Olympic sport had achieved usual v high standard of gift-buying. Children fainting with joy, girls completely Barbied up.

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Can’t wait to read epic novel, am sure it’s going to be a page-turner. What happened to the kite shop he was going to open? That was a sure-fire winner, always such a demand for kites. Cannot bloody well believe it, Michael and I have to take a driving test, we are only allowed to drive for 2 months on UK licence, so are already driving illegally, bit puzzling if one is safe to drive for 2 months presumably one is safe to drive. Made-up rule by some jumped-up little bureaucrat. Am quite sure that as I have been driving for approx 67 years my bad habits will be so deeply entrenched it will need a rocket launcher to shift them. I am going to get a lesson to be on the safe side. Michael has pooh-poohed my suggestion of a lesson as he is very macho and it is beneath his dignity.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Lessons probably a good idea as according to Fran (who failed her driving test again) fascist examiners will fail you on the teeniest tiniest most inconsequential detail. Fran absolutely furious about failing & insisting to me that she is a perfectly competent driver. I suggested as next test will be her 4th perhaps she should try simplifying things for herself by taking an automatic test instead & then she can concentrate on not crashing rather than the gears. This amusing little bon mot v ill-timed by me as I think she had post-traumatic test disorder because she burst into tears. Only way I could comfort her was to prove my confidence in her by promising to take her out in my car so she could get a feel of an automatic car. So now have the grisly spectre of having to take Fran out hanging over me. Packing going very badly as Ana Frid has gone back to Sweden for Christmas, so not here to distract Hugh who is driving me mad by ‘helping’. Keeps removing things from the case when my back is turned & has just carried off a pile of the girls’ pants & put them in the bin. Can’t totally blame him though, as he had watched me earlier retrieve a particularly holey pair of Maddie’s tights from the case & do the same thing so I expect he just thinks every so often you take something out of the case & throw it away … shall have to keep a sharp eye on him. Girls keep bringing me bulky objects that they ABSOLUTELY MUST bring & every time I say no this precipitates much weeping (from Maddie anyway). Ellie handed me a large boxed weaving kit she was given last Christmas & has never even opened & is insisting on bringing it. Too weak to argue any more so have put it in the case just to shut her up – must remember to remove it & hide it when she is in bed. Anyway, any last-minute requests from old Blighty? Perhaps a jar of Marmite that can smash in my case & spread itself over presents & clothes?

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Dan Bailey

Flight really good, children were fantastic. Amazingly, Hugh really good too, slept quite a lot (v hotly on top of me) & was generally quiet & happy as allowed to watch unlimited telly. Only upset on flight was when Ellie shut her tray with a full cup of orange juice on it & it poured sideways onto crotch of teenage boy next to her & then I had to resist automatic maternal reflex to mop him up. I have managed to forget the bloody buggering travel cot, think I left it in the dining room so you’ll have to bring it when you come (DO, however, have Ellie’s weaving set). Nell & I have had to fashion Hugh a rather uncomfortable bed out of open suitcase filled with towels & blankets. Hope he stays in it & doesn’t mind ridgey bit in the middle too much. Ring me later – just make sure it’s not 3 in the morning our time. xxx

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Dan Bailey

Re: 1st day

Sorry I missed your call (we were out buying Xmas tree) which Nell (not being tree-decorating Nazi like me) is allowing children to decorate themselves under Josie’s supervision. Weather not particularly cold & absolutely no sign of snow. Apparently so far it’s the mildest winter for last 16 years. Obviously completely my fault for fully kitting out entire family with Arctic snow gear & promising children lots of marvellous snow-related activities. Try phoning later. xxx

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Dan Bailey

Sorry about abrupt end to phone call last night – Hugh had escaped his suitcase in the basement bedroom, staggered up lethal polished wooden stairs towards kitchen in v slippy sleep suit & appeared in the kitchen. Have now had to erect barricade of boxes in front of his bedroom door to try to stop him escaping. Bed, a monster of our own invention, sure it’s incredibly uncomfortable & 6-inch sides not adequate to contain peripatetic 2-yr-old. Children had v exciting communal bath in Nell’s jacuzzi tonight, we added a tiny bit of bubble bath which when combined with high-pressure jets of water & many splashing children created giant foam tower that overflowed onto the shiny marble floor. Highly polished marble perfect choice of material for a bathroom floor, as soon as it is slightly wet entire surface becomes rink of death.

Ring me tomorrow. xxx

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Dan Bailey

Can you bring my knitting & Ellie’s hippo? Misses him dreadfully & weaving set no good to cuddle. Also brace yourself as will be ovulating day you arrive. xxx

From: Louise Corrigan

To: Charlotte Bailey

Re: Christmas cheer

Happy holidays! Hope you’re having a great time and the kids are well and not too jet-lagged. Must be wonderful to see Nell and family again. Rang to speak to you in London (forgot you had left already) and got Dan who sounded not like himself and said he was missing you all a lot and didn’t know what to do in the evenings. We’re really well. Our book is going well and we fired our agent and have a great new one who already has two, possibly three, publishers who are interested. Finally settled on a title, ‘Sexetiquette – The Manners and Mores of Modern Mating’. Also, we have signed a deal to write the sex advice column in a new weekly paper called NY Village Views. Walt and I celebrated yesterday by both having a manicure & pedicure at Bliss Spa. It was really fun, sat next to each other on throne seats while it was done, you & Dan must do it next time you come to NY. Send my love to everybody. Speak soon x L

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Louise Corrigan

Re: Congratulations

Well done, you so deserve it. (Does this make you sexperts?) Love the title of your book, can’t wait to read it.

We’re having a wonderful time, everything incredibly wholesome & well run & Canadians so polite & welcoming. Extraordinarily, absolutely no snow though, which we’re a bit gutted about. Still, cousins v happy to see each other again. Have fallen in love with local mall which Nell has been quite cutting about & have spent about 60% of time in either Gap Kids or fantastic vintage hardware store. Nell’s house FABULOUS. Obviously dreadfully naff but warm & comfortable, with climate control 24 hrs a day rather than stupid turn-off at night central heating (although Nell complaining that the glue on all her chairs has died & they are falling apart now they have been removed from damp London smog, also her piano has gone completely weird because of change in atmosphere). Kitchen floor is polished granite & therefore bit of a hazard as Hugh has tiresome tendency to surreptitiously struggle china dishes out of low cupboards when we’re not looking and then drop them so they smash (adorable little scamp). You’re right about Dan, he’s fully aware there is no point to him when we’re not around. Always euphoric for 1st day or so after we go off but novelty of WWII videos & Indian takeaways palls quite quickly, leaving him with tragic realisation that there isn’t more to life than wiping bums & noses & that is in fact his raison d’etre. Re pedicure/manicure for Dan, unlikely as Dan considers changing his socks the height of good grooming. Have a lovely Christmas Day. I’ll phone on your b’day. Love C

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Louise Corrigan

Re: Happy Birthday

Hope you’re having a nice day, tried calling earlier. Have tiny present that I will attempt to sensibly post from here rather than London (flying back tomorrow to host Millennium New Year’s Eve party). How was your Christmas Day? Ours fine until the evening, I had spent whole afternoon preparing Christmas dinner with Nell while gradually feeling sicker & sicker, unable to eat it as felt so nauseous, instead sadly watched from sofa until others halfway through meal & then had to rush off to be sick. As Nell’s house v open-plan & what doors & walls there are appear to be made of hollow card, vomiting could clearly be heard in dining room. Dan came to check on me & said everyone (apart from Hugh) had gone v quiet & stopped eating … hearing anybody throw up superb appetite suppressant. Anyway am fine now & nobody else appears to have got it. Much love C

From: Nell Fenton

To: Rachel Lockwood

Dear Rachel, how was Christmas? Ours was lovely. Was really glad they all came out, would have felt v homesick otherwise. The children were so excited about everything that by Christmas Eve was concerned they might actually burst. V sad to say goodbye to them all when they left this morning. You’ll definitely have to come and visit at Easter, am eager to encourage the people I am fond of to come and stay, have been receiving lots of threats of visits from all sorts of grim people. Being a useless godmother have of course not yet sent Jonathan a Christmas present. Are aeroplanes still his thing or has he transferred his affections? Love Nell

From: Rachel Lockwood

To: Nell Fenton

Dear Nell

So glad you had such a nice Christmas. Ours was a bit of a strain, we went to Jack’s parents who are very well meaning but so formal and uptight it’s impossible to relax. Jack is not himself at all when he’s around them, he adopts this false jollity which frankly makes me want to kick him. Mind you, I want to kick him most of the time these days, he’s so bloody difficult. His mother also has many, many little china ornaments dotted around the place and I can feel the tension coming off her in waves whenever Jonathan is anywhere near them though he’s really good about not touching anything. Jack kept buggering off on walks by himself leaving me in tete-a-tete with his parents. I really don’t know why he makes us go there, he doesn’t enjoy it any more than me but we had Christmas with Mum and Dad last year so I couldn’t say no. They’re also terribly disapproving of the amount he drinks – not that it made any difference.

I’m still hoping to come for Easter, though Jack changes his mind about it every time I bring it up which is infuriating. I’m seriously considering coming without him, it would be cheaper and we have no money as usual. Jonathan is still crazy about aeroplanes. I’ll let you know as soon as I manage to get my act together about this visit.

Fondest love to all

Rachel xx

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Flight back fine though Ellie complaining of stomach ache & had an upset stomach, awkward as flight v full so had to keep barging to front of loo queues & mime ‘child with diarrhoea’ to other passengers as Ellie too embarrassed for me to say it. Weather really gloomy & damp here (except in living room where must have been v dry in our absence as my ‘no needle drop’ Christmas tree has become extremely parched & bald). Would just take it down but need some festive decoration of living room for millennium dinner.

Did you hear about Anna’s Christmas? Mum said it was lovely, house v chaotic & untidy but beautifully decorated with handmade paper snowflakes & stars. Unfortunately, fucking Toulouse-Lautrec managed to drag the turkey onto the floor in the 5 secs Mum had her back turned. Hardly ate any as Mum & Anna immediately wrestled it off him. Luckily no one else saw it happen so they just washed it and stuck it in the Aga. Missing drumstick did excite some comment when it came to the table but Anna told everyone it was a disabled turkey & it was rude to comment.

Can’t be arsed to think about millennium dinner which is alarming & unlike me. Feel v grumpy & premenstrual. Any snow yet?

From: Nell Fenton

To: Charlotte Bailey

Perhaps you’re pregnant, take a test. Poor little Ellie. Next time I see you you must show me how you mime diarrhoea. It is a skill no one should be without. When I flew to South Africa for Charlie and Julia’s wedding, Josie had the most awful diarrhoea and went through all the nappies I had brought in about the first three hours. When I asked the air stewardess if they had any spare nappies she smiled helpfully and brought me some newborn nappies which didn’t even begin to cover Josie’s v chunky two-and-a-half-yr-old bottom. Ironically, she had really bad constipation on the flight home and stood in the aisle crying and saying, ‘it won’t come down.’ I think by the end everyone in the vicinity was rooting for us and felt tremendous relief and satisfaction when a vile smell filled the air.

Massive snowfall last night, by the way.

From: Charlotte Bailey

To: Nell Fenton

Our millennium dinner has become SE London epicentre for all strays & waifs. People keep phoning to ask if they can bring a friend who has nowhere else to go. ‘Friend bringing’ useful bargaining tool though, got Joe to locate & buy truffles for me, for the savoy cabbage & truffle soup I shall be serving. Truffles & recently divorced, depressive friend will be his & Fran’s contribution to the evening. Have recovered my spirits menuwise & am planning v British food (apart from truffles & wine obviously). Terrified that Geraldine despite strict instructions to only bring British cheese will ruin theme by bringing Brie or something. Don’t know why I’m going to all this trouble frankly. New Year’s Eve so overrated. All that pressure to do something marvellously fun & even worse on the millennium.