Читать книгу The Open Affair - Patsy Ponce - Страница 8

SIX

Lindsay woke the next morning to a text from Deb. Over a year before, Deb had worked for Lindsay, managing the printing department. During that time, the two had become friends. But as the check business slowed down, Deb worried about the stability of her position at Boehme and quickly found a marketing job, working for a start-up computer company. “We need to go to lunch,” the text read.

“When?” Lindsay texted back immediately. Deb was unlike anybody Lindsay had ever met, sassy and honest—and extremely eccentric.

When the two ended up meeting that day at a diner, Deb wore a long flowing shawl that was so bright, everyone in the restaurant momentarily stared. She also had daisy-themed fake nails and false eyelashes that practically entered the restaurant a foot before she did.

“You look gorgeous,” Lindsay said, and hugged her older friend. “I love those earrings!” They were dangling dreamcatchers.

The two caught up for nearly twenty minutes before ordering. They both talked about work, life, the past and the weather. Lindsay tried to hold back, but before long, told Deb everything about her recent mistakes. “I kissed Thane.”

“Lindsay! What were you thinking?”

“I don’t know. I put myself in a stupid situation and then it all happened so fast.” Lindsay looked down at her coffee and frowned. “The terrible thing is that sometimes I feel like there’s something missing with Logan. Then I start thinking about Thane. And all of this makes me a terrible person. I’m the worst person on earth!”

Deb paused. “I worked with Thane for nine years, and over that time a lot of women have come and gone. One sales representative threw herself at him—and a lot of girls liked him. He is a good-looking guy. A married girl at the office even slept with him…I just heard about that anyway.”

“Kenzie?”

Deb nodded.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I like Thane as a person,” Deb went on to say, “but there’s something dark about him. I told myself that if anyone I really cared about at the office dated him, I would talk with them.”

“What’s…dark about him? What do you mean?”

“When he got divorced, I’m not sure what happened, but I wondered if there was abuse involved. And there were times when it was late and he almost had another side come out. I think I saw it because I’m not especially young anymore and he didn’t care if he impressed me. He was a different person when we worked alone together at night.”

“Deb, I’ve spent so much time at the office with him. I can’t imagine him being like that.”

“That’s how some people are sometimes, Linds!” Deb sighed. “But, listen to your instincts. You’ll do the right thing when the time comes. Girl, I have to say it though—you’re good with Logan. I know you’ve been together for years and things seem boring sometimes. But you’re meant for each other—even I can see that. Go talk to a counselor.”

“I need to, mainly because I can’t take the guilt. I feel terrible for the kiss, but I feel worse about my thoughts and dreams. And some of the things Logan said—he accused me of sleeping with half the town!” Lindsay could have started crying right there in the middle of the restaurant. “I kissed someone else and I’m in a committed relationship. I…am a cheater.”

Deb, who was nearly twenty years older than Lindsay, set down her fork and looked around to see if anyone was listening. Luckily, everyone seemed to have forgotten her outfit and were so engaged in other conversations that they didn’t notice Lindsay’s hysterics.

“I’m going to tell you something that I never want you to repeat to anyone.”

Lindsay nodded, dried her eyes and leaned in.

“When I was in my mid-thirties, close to your age actually, I worked at a lawyer’s office. There were nine lawyers there. I managed their paperwork, accounts, bills, schedules…. I’m still not sure how it happened, but I fell in love with one of them and started meeting him in hotel rooms. We met so many times. In the moment, it was amazing, but in the long run, the decision ruined my life. I got divorced over it and had to raise my kids alone. And what’s worse is that I’ve held the guilt with me for years. It didn’t even go away when my ex-husband died. I felt terrible for the longest time.”

“But you didn’t end up with the lawyer after your divorce? Even for a little while?”

“Of course not. Those things rarely work out. And he was such a narcissist. I found out later that his wife was extremely sick and on the verge of dying.” Deb placed her head into her hands. “That was the worst of it,” her earrings swung as she shook her head in grief, “imagining this poor woman dying, and I was sleeping with her husband, Lindsay!”

“But it was forever ago. And you’ve forgiven yourself?”

“I’ve only told one other person…other than you. I couldn’t believe when she told me a similar story. She cheated on her husband too when they’d been together for almost twenty years. It’s not right and it’s not glamorous, but I think it happens more than people realize. And usually, their partner never finds out. But yes, after I talked with her, I’ve been more forgiving with myself. It was nice knowing someone I love and respect was capable of making a mistake with a man, too.”

“The scary thing, Deb…. I don’t want to do more with Thane, but I’ve had thoughts about it. Things with Logan used to be so great all the time. Now, we’re basically roommates who own a business together and sleep in the same bed.”

“And you think it will be better with Thane?”

“No…. Well, I’m not sure. Maybe? But I’d just like to see what it’s like. I didn’t have many experiences before Logan…or Ben—the man I dated before him. Maybe I need to break up with Logan and move on.”

“Maybe so, but this is a big decision. I do think you and Logan are great together; I’ve seen the two of you. I’m sure he said some terrible things, but he’s probably hurt. He is a nice guy—and it’s hard to find a good man. But your needs aren’t being met in some way, Lindsay. You’ve got to figure out what those needs are and work it out with Logan. Whether you stay together or split up it shouldn’t be because of Thane. It should be because of what isn’t working with you and Logan. I’ll just say it one last time,” she took a sip of her drink and set it down, “I don’t have the best feeling about Thane.”

“But why? You had to have seen something big. You don’t say negative things about anyone, Deb!”

“I saw how he looked at you when I worked at Boehme. He basically stalked you with his eyes. If that man kissed you, I feel like it was strategic…planned. He knows how to get what he wants. He’s a lot smarter than people realize.”

“Really?”

“I’m not saying it as a ‘good’ thing. I’m just telling you to be careful. You’d be crazy to throw away a relationship with Logan, especially for…. Well, I’ve said enough. I just don’t want to see you make the same mistake I did. A kiss isn’t really that bad—I mean, it’s not good, but things could have been a lot worse. Forgive yourself. I’m sure Logan will forgive you and the two of you can move past this.”

“Have you forgiven yourself, really…for your past?” Lindsay asked.

“I’m working on it.” Deb sighed, picked up her fork and started eating.

***

It was Thane’s last day at Boehme. Not seeing him walk in at the same time every day would be tough for Lindsay. He’d always told her she brightened up every room; at the time, that comment had made her shine even brighter.

She’d gotten up early that morning to buy a “goodbye cake” for Thane, don one of her favorite dresses, and shower in blossom perfume. Realistically, it was far too late for their work relationship to go back to normal, but losing Thane was so complicated, like losing a dear friend—after all the time they’d spent together at the office.

The day progressed and Lindsay strategically printed stacks of orders, working to ensure that Kenzie got off early so she and Thane would be alone at the end of the day. Soon, Kenzie left and when the sky darkened, it was time to say goodbye.

Thane gazed at Lindsay. “You need to know that I love you, and I don’t think this feeling will just go away. My soul longs to see you...laugh with you...to be near you….” Lindsay’s heart melted as he went on. “You say someday you’ll know yourself better and then you’ll be beautiful. But you already are beautiful to me.”

She exhaled. “Thane, I’m going to miss you so much.”

“And, I’ll miss you.”

The two locked the building and then studied each other for a long time. Without warning, Lindsay wrapped her arms around him as she tried not to cry. She held him and shut her eyes, taking in the scent of his jacket and the way his arms cinched around her.

“You have so many great opportunities ahead of you,” Lindsay said. But as she thought of his exciting future, it hurt to know she wouldn’t be there, fighting with him and for him to help give him the best memories possible. “You’ll be okay.” The words were more for herself than him.

Lindsay drove home that night, not wanting to see Logan. The nights usually held some sort of fight, and when Lindsay stayed home on weekends, Logan just built more and more furniture to sell.

No matter how tough it had been, she’d been leaving little notes on his pillow each morning, hoping they would make some type of impact. Yet, the fights continued, making it even harder to forget Thane…

As she edged closer to her front entrance, Logan opened the door, greeting her in a different way than he had in years. “It was Thane’s last day?” Logan asked.

“Well, yeah. It was.”

“So, we can put all of this behind us?”

She nodded slowly. “Yes. I hope we can.”

“That’s all I want. Listen, Linds,” he said, using a pet-name, “I’ve said some pretty terrible things to you recently.” She remembered how he’d called her a whore, screaming so the neighbors heard. “You’ve said you’re sorry for what happened with Thane. Now, I’m sorry for the things I’ve said. It won’t happen again. I want to start fresh and move forward. I want a blank slate.”

Lindsay’s walls collapsed and whether it was smart or not, she used the same arms that had just been around Thane, to hug Logan. “I want that, too. I want to start over.” She’d lost her resolve to stay strong around him as the pain from his stinging words subsided.

He held her for a long time and kissed her forehead. “I have something for you so we can remember when we started fresh!” Logan led Lindsay into the bedroom where he’d laid out the most beautiful dress. “I have to admit it was on sale, but you love a deal, right?”

Lindsay, still uncomfortable changing in front of him after years of distance, brought the dress into the bathroom and put it on. “It fits…perfectly,” she squealed. The black and tan fabric hugged her in all the right places and made her waist look even tinier than it already was. She gazed into the mirror and thought how odd it was that she didn’t want to change in front of Logan, yet they’d lived together for years. “How did you know this would fit?” She came out of the bathroom and spun in front of him.

“Wow! I hoped but had no idea the dress would look that great. Lindsay…you look incredible. You know, I’ve always known how beautiful you are, but the thought of losing you…. I’m seeing you differently.”

“I know what you mean,” she said soberly, studying all of his features. Logan was the type of man Lindsay’s friends fantasized about. He’d spent summers working at different national forests, managing the land to ensure preservation. That was all before he’d dated Lindsay. She knew he had really gone far since the two got together and almost tripled his income in a few short years. Even though their relationship had deteriorated in part because of their long work hours, she was so proud of him.

“I got you a little more than a dress,” he whispered, looking up with dreamy, saucer eyes.

“More?”

He didn’t answer, but instead brought her to an elaborately carved wooden table. “I built you a study nook. Now you can draw—and do whatever you want. You have your own space, Linds! And look what’s on top of it.”

“These details. This must have taken you weeks. And, you started writing in the book!” Years before, Lindsay had bought a diary that she’d wanted them to write in together. Gingerly picking it up, she opened the first few pages.

“Like you always wanted…with philosophical ideas and notes. I promise I’ll write back to you whenever you write to me.”

She stared at the first entry. “But I’ve wanted to do this for years. Why now?”

“Because…I almost lost you.”

“Logan, you almost lost me before though. Why is this different?”

“The cancer?” he asked.

She’d been sick years before and needed cancer treatments for quite a while. Part of her wondered if that’s what derailed their relationship previously. At one point, when they realized it had spread through her lymph nodes, the doctors worried she might never recover.

Back then, things had been so perfect and carefree between her and Logan. She’d even thought he might propose…. But now she had scars from the same surgeries that left her barren and childless. Feeling worthless to him after everything, she’d lost so much and barely kept her life.

His face saddened, reading the pain in her eyes. “Losing you, I couldn’t take the thought of it then and I can’t take the thought of it now. But this time, it would have been your choice. That somehow hurt more. Both were terrible, but the thought of losing you—to someone else, after all we’d been through—that’s almost unbearable.”

Her eyes studied the book in her hands as she read the first few words. Lindsay couldn’t help imagining Logan writing such heartfelt messages on the tiny pages. He was a large man with wide shoulders, a quiet person, more likely to build furniture or fix trucks than to write in a book. Yet, his conscientious handwriting jumped off the page detailing the complexities of being a solitary man in need of a companion. At the end, he explained, “Without you, I am a man without a world, floating with nothing to ground him. I want you to know every day how much I love you.”

Lindsay cried then, so overwhelmed from all the recent events.

“Lindsay, I know we’ve been through a lot lately, but I want you to know how much I want to be with you forever. Without you I’m left in a sort of darkness.”

“Logan, I’ve never heard you talk like this…. You really want me?”

He stood, dwarfing her with his bulk and height. “Yes. And I’ve been thinking about the last few years, how I pulled away. I just think I’ve been scared.” His blue eyes lit with the kind of passion Lindsay remembered from their first years together. She remembered those days well; he’d needed her with an intensity back then, as if he couldn’t live without tasting her naked skin every morning and every night.

Logan placed his arms around her waist, bent down so slowly that a strange excitement built in her heart. He studied her, more lovingly than he had in years.

Logan didn’t wait long until he fully closed the gap between them with such longing that it set Lindsay’s skin afire. He was a Scottish man, taking pride in his ancestry by donning a big beard and working to maintain his perfect build.

When Lindsay had first seen him, she’d wanted to meet him almost more than anything, even giggling as she told a friend he looked like some type of Viking. Logan had eventually talked to her, but the conversation had been thought-provoking and short. He knew how to get a point across quickly and make it memorable.

As his lips continued to meet hers with an increasing need, Lindsay’s knees weakened, and she leaned into his bear-like arms. Logan let his lips drift down her neck, her shoulder and then to her breasts. Lindsay sighed as he unzipped her beautiful new dress and then tugged at the bodice to reveal her teal bra.

Of all the things she recalled it was that this man knew everything about her. Sometimes it was a curse, and other times a blessing; he’d mastered her long ago and would always know everything she needed.

“I love you so much,” he whispered, still discovering every bit of her skin with his lips. Soon her dress hung around her hips like some sort of mini skirt and he swept her onto the edge of the dresser like she weighed nothing.

His lips curled, grinning wolfishly as their eyes met. This was something they used to do often, back before the cancer and the fighting about children. He knew “dresser sex” drove her crazier than anything else.

“God, you’re sexy,” she said, unzipping his pants and realizing he was fully erect. His pants fell to the floor and she bit her lip. It had been so long…and Logan was a well-endowed man. The size and girth of him always hurt Lindsay—especially when they hadn’t slept together for a while. But this was the kind of pain she looked forward to—with him parting her legs and her begging for more.

He took off his shirt too, and she couldn’t help feeling every inch of him. She wasn’t sure if he’d been working out, but he looked even better than she’d remembered.

With memories flooding over both of them, Lindsay leaned back so her palms rested on the rich mahogany and her fingers touched the dresser’s mirror. The motion caused her underwear to peek out between her legs.

Logan couldn’t wait any longer.

With his heart beating fast and his manhood pulsing with desire, Logan took both of her feet in his large hands and placed them on either side of his shoulders, then kissed her right ankle lovingly.

Guiding her ass closer to the edge of the dresser, he kissed her once more. This time their tongues collided, moving deeper into one another’s mouths. And just as he took all other thoughts from her mind, his right hand drifted between her legs, gently rubbing in circular motions until her panties were so wet that his fingers found their way around them. Pulling the fabric to the side and pushing inside of her, his work worn fingers slid in at the same rate he kissed her.

“I want you, Logan. I need you inside me.” She bit his ear as his manhood pressed against her thigh, teasing her, before coming closer and closer to the glistening space between her legs.

Lindsay’s underwear, still pulled to the side, pushed over her clit rubbing in a way that sent chills up her spine. Logan pushed slowly, working himself in, first his head, then the beginning of his shaft.

Lindsay leaned back farther, wanting all of him despite the pain. Her head rested against the mirror and she bit her lip so hard trying not to scream out.

“Oh God, Logan. You are so much bigger than I remember.” She thought he might rip her; still she willed him closer, thrusting in so far she thought it might tear her beyond recognition. But she didn’t care as long as it was for him…only for him.

He thrust over and over, holding her ankles like weights on either side of his head. And with each thrust his biceps flexed, turning her on even more. And he couldn’t stop studying her perfect breasts in front of him, or the curves of her waist in the mirror and how they bounced when he moved inside her.

Then, far earlier than she’d hoped, her body rose to climax. Lindsay reached out and grabbed his biceps, willing herself not to give in too soon. She wanted to enjoy this for as long as possible.

“Linds, you drive me crazy!” He stared down at her with such intensity, then kissed her, both of their lips moving to the rhythm of their bodies.

Logan seemed to swell even more, pulsing, throbbing like it was their first real time together—and Lindsay couldn’t hold back as she continued kissing him.

Logan forced himself in until it seemed he’d burst past the end of her. Her whole body tingled, his shaft riding through her orgasm intensifying the pleasure and pain of it all as their tongues continued meeting in sync with the crashing of their bodies.

Then Logan, so far inside, kept pulsing harder with short, strong strokes that stretched anything in his way. He was an animal, driven by nature and instinct, until his muscles tensed so that a fog overcame both of them as he rocked himself inside her, lifting her whole body up in his arms as she felt the warm liquid of his love fill her completely.

Logan gently placed Lindsay’s legs to his sides. “Oh, Linds.” He exhaled, his forehead now resting against hers.

The two hugged for the longest time. Both wrapped in memories of what had been and hopes for what could be. He lifted gently, then brought her to their bed where he cradled her with such tenderness. “I missed you,” he said. “I’ve missed you for years.”

“I missed you…so much. I forgot what this was like.”

Snuggling into him, Lindsay wished the moment could last forever, without problems and fights. It could just be the two of them, happy again for the first time in years.

“If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?” she asked.

“Here.” He sighed. “You?”

“With you on a deserted island. Away from problems and other people. If it were just the two of us, I don’t think we’d ever have any problems…not really.”

He propped himself up on his elbow. “Can we have a special night?” he asked, nuzzling her neck. “Just the two of us?”

“Tonight?” she asked. “It’s already been special.”

“I want to take you out though—show you off.”

“Well, okay. Sure!”

He grinned, got up and put on a blue button-up shirt that complimented his tan skin. “I’m bringing you dancing.”

So, after cleaning herself up, Lindsay climbed into Logan’s truck and hoped the wonderful night would continue. If there was anything Lindsay missed in her life, it was how things used to be with Logan.

The night started out wonderfully. They’d gone to a dance club that served fancy drinks and played ragtime jazz. The two really knew how to dance and during their last round on the floor everyone stopped and just watched as their feet moved faster and faster. At one point, Logan spun Lindsay away from him and they stood nearly ten feet apart. The drums played alone, the beats building up to a section where the trumpets and pianist would come back in full-force. Lindsay and Logan’s feet pounded the ground in quick rhythms with the drums as they got closer and faster. Lindsay could hardly believe how in sync they were. And after they closed the gap—when their hands met—the trumpets flared back to life and several people in the crowd yelled and clapped. At the end of the song, they danced with their cheeks touching, leaning into one another as their feet moved wild with syncopations.

“What a rush!” Logan said breathlessly as they danced. “I forgot how good we are together!”

“Me too.” Lindsay grinned.

When the song ended, they simply walked from the dance floor and took their seats at the bar. The two drank and drank as many different people came to talk with them. Several men chatted with Lindsay, asking if her red hair was real or dyed. “Real,” she chirped.

“Then you really are some type of miracle,” a dark, handsome man said coyly.

Several women encircled Logan as well, asking if he could teach them how to dance. Then Lindsay and Logan seemed so far away from one another. One of the women quietly asked Logan if Lindsay was his wife.

“Oh, no. No. We aren’t married.”

Lindsay wasn’t meant to hear any of it, and she tried to shake it off; after all, Logan had been drinking and they’d recently been through so much. But, it still somehow stung, and when Logan finally called for a cab, she felt a wave of gratitude.

On the ride home, Logan raved about the girls who had talked with him. “I’ve been working so much; I’ve forgotten how much is out there at those dance clubs. And Linds, we were good! I mean, we are still really good at dancing together. I forgot how good.”

“So, did I,” she said.

“I go out with the guys, but the places aren’t like that. You and I need to go dancing more.”

The cab driver grinned at her in the rearview mirror, seeming happy from their excitement.

“Lindsay, there’s another thing. I’m probably only ready to tell you this because we’ve been drinking. But, I’ve thought a lot about the open relationship thing. I have to be honest.” He seemed so scared to say it. “It feels right to me.”

“So, you just want to be with whoever, whenever?” She was taken aback. Yes, she had been the one to bring it up before, but things seemed to have changed for her that night. He’d made love to her for the first time in a long time. And for that, he was all she needed.

“Well, we both could be with whoever,” he said.

At this, the cabdriver smiled even bigger at Lindsay, making her a bit sick.

“Are there better options?” she asked, and her eyes grew wide as she realized how hungrily the driver kept looking at her.

“You’re the one who brought this up? I figured you’d thought about this? Is there any way you’d be okay with it?”

She thought for a moment. “Maybe if it were once a year.” Lindsay sighed. “But just once a year.”

They got out of the cab and as Lindsay gave the driver some money, he refused to take the tip and instead gave her his number. “Once a year,” he said in a thick accent.

“Ummm. Thanks.”

After walking into the house, Logan sat down on the front couch they’d made together. Lindsay scooted by him as he held her hand. “I’ve been thinking about it, too,” he said. “Since we talked. It’s weird, but the thought is liberating. I’ve always wanted to have a threesome. And this is exciting. But we’d need to have rules, and no one can know we’re doing this.”

“Okay,” Lindsay whispered, trying to sort out her own emotions.

“We won’t use our real names. We could go out once a month for ‘alone time’ and if our ‘once in a year’ experience happens that’s our secret. We’ll never know which month it happened or who it happened with.”

“Okay…. I can do that.”

“One last rule,” Logan said. “No Thane.”

“Wait, no Thane?” Why was Thane suddenly part of this? Lindsay was surprised to realize she hadn’t thought of him at all that night—since the moment she’d seen Logan.

“Nope. You can’t get attached. And whether you want to say it out loud or not, I know how you feel about him. You’re in love with him.”

Lindsay, crestfallen, agreed to the terms: to a once-a-year fling (one day to be exact), to never seeing Thane again, and to attend counseling (both with Logan and by herself). But late that night, she thought of Thane again. If they’d been dating for years, would he ask her to marry him? Lindsay wondered if he could dance, and what it would be like making love to him. Would his kind eyes assess everyone in a bar if he’d brought her out dancing? Or would he only look at her?

Lindsay remembered Thane’s contagious laugh, and after Logan fell asleep, for some reason, Lindsay remained empty and alone.

She hoped to dream of someone who would love her enough to want to marry her. And after finally closing her eyes, she cried herself to sleep.