Читать книгу The Open Affair - Patsy Ponce - Страница 9

SEVEN

Lindsay sat next to Logan at the counselor’s office; the two had decided to see a professional if they really wanted to have a thriving relationship.

But theirs wasn’t an ordinary romance because they’d been best friends to begin with—while Lindsay dated Ben. Logan had helped her get away from the man. And nearly two years after they started dating, when Logan asked her to move in with him, he added a caveat: “If you don’t want to live with me, then I think we should break up and never talk again.”

The snow drifted around making her feel trapped in a gently shaken snow globe. “Why the ultimatum?”

“Because I refuse to stay with someone who doesn’t want to move forward in a relationship. Otherwise both of us are wasting our time. I’m in my thirties now and you’re not far off. Time passes too quickly to waste it.”

She’d preferred to get married before living together, but finally said ‘yes’ regardless. Logan embraced her with such passion after that, she could hardly wait to get back to his place.

They lived together for quite a while and all seemed fine until Lindsay began having health concerns that changed her life. While recovering from yet another surgery she’d started reading psychology books about various kinds of romantic relationships. They talked about men and how there’s a reason men won’t propose after years. “The relationship isn’t what they want in the long run. They’re still holding out for something better,” the author, John Reed, explained.

Lindsay met up with her best friend, Christie, knowing something wasn’t right. “He hasn’t proposed after years. And now that some time has passed, I’m starting to let go. I just don’t love him like that,” she’d said.

“Yes, you do, Linds,” Christie said. “I’ve known you for years. You’re just scared to admit to yourself that you love him. And you’ve been through some life-changing events recently. Don’t make rash decisions.”

“Maybe you’re right.”

“And you shouldn’t listen to some stupid advice in a book. That author doesn’t know Logan or your relationship with him.”

Lindsay nodded, but still talked to Logan later that week.

“I love you so much,” she’d said to him. “But I need you to know that it’s just as a friend. Something has changed for me.”

Tears filled his eyes, completely devastated. “You are my biggest dream; all I need is a girl just like you. I just want you to love me...the way I love you.”

“I do love you. But I needed you to know—before we go any further with this—that I love you in a different way now. I still want to be with you! I promise I’ll stick by your side and be the perfect partner. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’ll fall back in love with me, after time. I know you will.”

“Maybe, but I don’t know anymore.”

Weeks later, during a big Christmas party, one of Lindsay’s cousins pulled her away from her guests. “Don’t stay with him,” Natalie said. “Just don’t.”

“With Logan? Why?” Lindsay asked.

“You two lack the passion couples should have. It takes passion to make it through the hard times.”

“Or friendship,” Lindsay said. “I appreciate that you talked to me; I know that took courage, but it’ll be okay. I know what I’m doing.” Lindsay downed shot after shot—even though she knew she shouldn’t do so close to her last surgery. But she didn’t care at the moment, so worried about her cousin’s warning. That was until she spotted Logan.

At that moment, he’d clinked a spoon on his beer bottle and, when everyone quieted down, he spoke to all of their closest friends and family. “I want to share something. Sometimes I don’t have the best vocabulary to express myself well, but I’m going to try. So, bear with me.”

Lindsay tilted her head curiously; Logan didn’t give speeches.

“There was a blind girl, so hurt she distrusted the world,” he said. “One day she told her boyfriend she couldn’t really ‘see’ him. ‘How can I love somebody I can’t see?’ she asked. He made it possible for her to have a miracle, a donated pair of eyes. After the surgery and healing, she finally saw her boyfriend for the first time, but was shocked to find out that he was blind. He told her, ‘You can see me now, can you fully love me?’ She replied, saying she’d never be happy. ‘I have my eyesight now, but you're still blind. How can you ever really know if you love me without seeing me?’ devastated, he said, ‘I understand. I just want you to always be happy. Take care of yourself, and my eyes.’”

The way he said it, took everyone aback. A couple people set down their drinks, waiting to see what else he would say.

“Lindsay,” Logan turned to her, “I know we’re going through Hell with the cancer and the surgeries you just went through. But I hope we’re on the other side of it now. I just wanted you to know that I don’t need eyes to know how beautiful you are. I love you, sweetheart—with everything in me. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.”

Lindsay’s heart swelled, seeing him as if he were the only person in the world. Everything else faded at the party except him. And it seemed like their relationship would return back to normal after the terrible hand life had dealt them; they would get through it.

Yet, here they were, years later. Now she couldn’t have children—and they needed couple’s counseling because she had kissed another man.

After the counselor took them back to his office, Lindsay wished she’d never come to that place.

She thought the session might go okay, but she’d turned the location tracker off on her phone the morning before the appointment and the action had completely terrified Logan who said she “must have gone to see Thane.”

Instead of acting calmly, Logan said accusatory, probing things. Finally, the counselor looked at both of them. “I can tell Lindsay is harder on herself than anyone else ever could be. What she did was bad, I get that, Logan, but it could have been a lot worse. I think the two of you need time together and Lindsay, you also need time to enjoy being by yourself. It doesn’t sound like you get that.”

“I agree,” Lindsay said. “I’m working too much. But I don’t know how Logan and I will fare going on dates since we’re fighting again. I don’t think it’ll turn out well.”

“What do you mean?” the counselor asked.

“Well, we tried to spend time together right before this appointment. I thought of something that could be fun and asked Logan to read my tarot cards. I know he doesn’t look the type, but he’s really been playing around with that lately. Too bad every single card he pulled said something bad about me!”

“It just happened that way!” Logan said, making Lindsay glare at him. “They were telling you to be honest...about everything.”

“I already was! But EVERY single card was upside down showing the reverse meaning! They were about lying and betrayal. One card said I slept with Thane!” She huffed. “Logan, I know it was bad that I kissed him,” Lindsay said, “but I didn’t screw him or half the town!”

“You want to know what she did after I read her cards?” Logan practically spat. “She took out a regular deck of playing cards and read mine, saying I have preconceived notions and can’t see my own nose on my face. One card said I was an asshole.”

“Lindsay, did you do that?” the counselor asked, pleading with his eyes for her to somehow stop the fight.

“You bet I did! I wanted to make a point that he was being ridiculous.”

“This is all because you never loved me.”

“I have loved you,” Lindsay said. “But we stopped putting each other first and we lost sight of what we had. I don’t know anymore.... Until the other day, we were lacking excitement. I don’t feel like we were really ‘living’ anymore. We were just ‘existing.’ I’m not the kind of person who can be happy just ‘existing.’”

The two left together and while in the car, Logan talked again about the possibility of an open relationship. “I didn’t feel right talking with him about it,” he said, “but I do think it’s the kind of excitement and reset we need right now. I don’t want to just ‘exist’ either. If any couple can make this work, we can because we’re friends. Do you agree to the previous rules or not at all?”

“Yes,” Lindsay said. “I agree to the rules.”

“We’ll start in two weeks. If either of us hooks up with anyone, we won’t tell each other. And it can’t be anyone we know!”

“Okay,” she said, but the idea really didn’t feel ‘fun’ at all.

“You’re sure you’ve cut ties with Thane?” he asked suddenly. “You didn’t just bring this up because you want to hook up with him? And he’s not why you turned off your location?”

“He is not why I turned off my location. I turned it off because I felt claustrophobic.” And for some reason she immediately wanted to contact Thane. She missed him with everything in her then, wondering if he would act like Logan and want her location enabled so he could follow her places. If Logan kept accusing her of something she wasn’t doing, it was like getting punished for good behavior.

Then she thought about the whole thing, if Logan wanted to hook up with other people and he didn’t mind her having sex with strangers, then the point seemed moot to her anyway. If it was once...just once with Thane, what was the harm?

That night, after Logan went to bed, Lindsay opened her email account and sent a message to Thane’s private email. “Would you spend a single day with me, doing whatever we want. Just having the time of our lives? I ask because there’s a caveat. After, we wouldn’t be able to see each other again for a long, long time, or maybe ever.” She’d teared up while typing the words. “But we’d always have that one perfect day. I asked you about your perfect day once. Remember, I asked what you would do? Who you would be with? Well, if you’ll let me, I want to give that to you. I’m hurting even as I write this. But I still want that time with you. Is it worth the pain? I’m to the point where I can’t help myself and I need time with you. I think you’ve reached that realization too?”

He responded within just a few minutes and her heart thrilled. She could hardly believe her actions, and despite the knowledge that this was wrong, or the warning from Deb—that there was something “dark” about Thane—Lindsay continued.

“I am there with you.” She read his response. “My desire and lust have become too strong. The withdrawal will be just as heart-wrenching as the longing has been, maybe worse. But to suffer with a memory of Heaven, that’s far better than not knowing it at all.... I'd rather suffer with the memory, knowing I had experienced it, than with only the mere thought of it. Even if it’s only one day, just being with you, it will have been, the most special day of my life... And I promise, not another soul will ever get that knowledge from me. No one has ever touched my soul as deeply as you have. It's as they say; intoxicating, irrevocable. I don't care how I fell for you, I'm grateful that I have.”

It was decided. On the ninth of August, she and Logan would spend the day without each other. Lindsay would head north, and Logan would drive south. Whatever they did was their business. Lindsay worried over the aftermath. This had the potential to be a euphoric experience or an incredibly terrible idea.