Читать книгу The Art of Waging Peace - Paul K. Chappell - Страница 23

There are three steps for calming people down. The first is to be calm. Martin Luther King Jr. explains: “That Monday I went home with a heavy heart. I was weighted down by a terrible sense of guilt, remembering that on two or three occasions I had allowed myself to become angry and indignant. I had spoken hastily and resentfully. Yet I knew that this was no way to solve a problem. ‘You must not harbor anger,’ I admonished myself. ‘You must be willing to suffer the anger of the opponent, and yet not return anger. You must not become bitter. No matter how emotional your opponents are, you must be calm.’”⁶

King’s technique of being calm works a lot better than telling someone to calm down. Has anyone ever told you to calm down when you were really upset? It probably made you even more upset, because when people tell us to calm down it often comes across as condescending. Being calm influences others not with words but through our composure, attitude, and behavior. Psychiatrist Bruce Perry tells us, “Because of the mirroring neurobiology of our brains, one of the best ways to help someone else become calm and centered is to calm and center ourselves first—and then just pay attention.”⁷

If you discuss peace or any controversial issue with people who passionately disagree with you, they might start yelling at you. How can we be calm when people are angry and disrespectful toward us? First, when we increase our respect for the humanity of others we can also increase our empathy for them. Empathizing with people allows us to connect with them on a deeper human level and see the fear, pain, or misunderstanding that is causing their anger. If you want to learn more about empathy, my book Peaceful Revolution has an entire chapter on empathy, its higher expression of unconditional love, and its highest expression of solidarity.

Psychologist Erich Fromm explains how empathy and love allow us to see the humanity beneath people’s anger:

There are many layers of knowledge; the knowledge which is an aspect of love is one which does not stay at the periphery, but penetrates to the core. It is possible only when I can transcend the concern for myself and see the other person in his own terms. I may know, for instance, that a person is angry, even if he does not show it overtly; but I may know him more deeply than that; then I know that he is anxious, and worried; that he feels lonely, that he feels guilty. Then I know that his anger is only the manifestation of something deeper, and I see him as anxious and embarrassed, that is, as the suffering person, rather than as the angry one.⁸

Remaining calm when others yell at us does not mean we allow them to walk all over us and treat us like dirt, because when we have self-respect we are willing to stand up for ourselves. Gandhi and King had a great deal of self-respect and certainly stood up for themselves against those who tried to oppress and exploit them. But they realized being calm allows us to stand up for ourselves more effectively, because when we become hostile and disrespectful in return we lose our moral authority along with our reason and compassion.

Frederick Douglass saw many women’s rights activists strengthen their moral authority by conducting themselves with calm dignity. He witnessed how a calm yet firm demeanor is very effective when confronting injustice, because when we come across as hysterical and irrational it is too easy for the opponents of justice to call us crazy and not take us seriously. When we are calm, composed, and rational we are not as easily dismissed. Speaking about the extraordinary ability of Antoinette Louise Brown, he said, “The calmness, serenity, earnestness, ability and dignity with which Miss Brown advocates this right, compels the serious and respectful attention of all whom she addresses on the subject.”⁹

When discussing the controversial issue of peace activism in particular, another way to remain calm when someone becomes angry and disrespectful toward you is by imagining you are talking to me. This will help remind you that human beings have the potential to change. When I was eighteen years old I was a firm believer in the war system. If you had talked to me about peace activism back then I might have also become angry and disrespectful toward you. During the years that followed I saw through the myths of war, deepening my commitment to waging peace. This does not mean everyone hostile to peace activists will have a transformation in their way of thinking. But it does mean we should never dismiss someone as hopelessly ignorant or beyond the potential to change.

The second step for calming people down is to listen and be respectful. As I explained earlier, in all of human history I don’t think anyone has ever seriously said, “I hate it when people listen to me! I hate it when people respect me!” So much human hostility arises from people simply not feeling listened to or respected. When we genuinely listen to and respect others, it can have a profound calming effect.

The third step for calming people down is to show care and concern. This is an important yet often neglected aspect of calming people down, because if you are upset with me because I borrowed and wrecked your car, and I respond to your anger by simply being calm, you might mistake my calmness for indifference. When people are calm yet do not show care and concern, they can come across as cold and uncaring.

Figure 4.1 How to Calm People Down

To better explain this, when I first moved to Santa Barbara I had a problem with my apartment that made me pretty angry. When I spoke with the apartment manager about it, she became outraged on my behalf and seemed more upset than I was. She said, “What happened to you is completely unacceptable, and I will fix this!” This immediately calmed me down. I had walked into her office with my temper boiling, and hearing how upset she was over my problem actually made me want to console her, causing me to say, “Well, maybe it’s not so bad. These things happen sometimes and I understand.”

Moral outrage on behalf of someone else’s dilemma is a powerful expression of care and concern. In Peaceful Revolution and The End of War I refer to moral outrage as moral fury. When people tell us about a truly unjust problem they are having, the moral fury within us can erupt like a burning flame. A flame is calm, but also intense. It is soothing, but also fierce. The flame of moral fury can be calm and soothing to those treated unjustly, while intensely and fiercely opposing the forces of injustice.

Another important way to show care and concern is to say it with sincerity. People are not mind readers. If we accidentally insult someone and did not mean to, we should say it with sincerity: “I didn’t mean to offend you. I apologize if you felt disrespected in any way.” As I said earlier, martial arts taught me that no technique works every single time, but by being calm, listening and being respectful, and showing care and concern, we will have the best chance of calming people down.

The power of calm is an invaluable tool that can improve our personal lives, communities, and capacity to wage peace. Gandhi, King, martial arts philosophy, West Point, and the U.S. Army all agree that the ability to remain calm is one of the most crucial life skills a human being can have, because it allows our brain to function at its optimal level. Military and martial arts training taught me that the more turbulent a situation becomes, the more important it is to be calm. Grossman explains, “As a warrior, your concern is always to help others, and to do that you must be the rock of calm. When the whole world is coming unglued and all about you are losing their heads and blaming it on you, your job is to be that rock that others can anchor themselves to . . . Panic can be contagious, and so is calm. As a warrior, you must be an example of calm.”¹⁰