Читать книгу Yes, Please. Thanks!: Teaching Children of All Ages Manners, Respect and Social Skills for Life - Penny Palmano - Страница 53

Jealousy – Sibling rivalry is hard to stop. Jealousy is an emotion that’s not easy to just shut down, however much you reassure them. As parents you simply cannot be expected to be judge and jury for all of their squabbles or treat them exactly the same because all children are individuals. Bickering siblings seem to upset the parents more than the children. Whenever I heard mine squabbling I would go in to see what was going on and sometimes they agreed they were fine. Sometimes they were not. Unless they start becoming violent just ask them to go to another room or outside so that you can’t hear. If their bickering does get aggressive just separate them into different rooms and tell them to play on their own. Don’t feel guilty if you find that one week you are spending more time with one child than the other. You cannot expect to have a stop-clock on sharing your time. In the end it will even itself out.

When arguments become heated, try and help them come to a compromise they can both live with. This is a great exercise for children as it teaches them two of life’s essential skills: problem-solving and negotiation.

Parents must be careful to avoid making comments such as, ‘Why can’t you be more like your sister,’ or, ‘Your brother is so good at Maths I can’t understand why you’re not.’ Children are individuals. They do not want to be constantly judged against their brothers or sisters.

The oldest child often feels jealousy towards a new baby in the family no matter what you do to try and avoid it, and in a way can you blame them? After all, for a few years they have been the centre of your universe and now another child appears and takes some of your time with them away. Quel horreur! Asking the older child, however young, to help with the new baby, feeding, playing and generally being more hands-on often alleviates feelings of jealousy. And always make ‘special’ time to spend with the older child without the baby.

My son was born exactly two years after my daughter and I thought I had done everything to avoid any jealousy. However, one day a few months later, I caught my daughter walking into my bedroom. Her brother was on a blanket on the floor, and she stepped on him as she walked over him, ‘Katherine, you just walked on your brother,’ I reprimanded. ‘Oh’, she replied ‘I didn’t see him.’ My son was quite ill as a baby and was hospitalized a few times within his first two years, so he did receive more attention than would be normal. For years my daughter was jealous of her brother (and admitted it) and once when she was about nine I was taking her to school and explaining that her brother was not going to school because he was ill. ‘I hope it’s life-threatening,’ she replied (little charmer). Anyway, fortunately, brother and sister are now very close.

When arguments end in tears, as they sometimes will, sit in between the two children and tell them how lucky they are to have each other, how ‘only’ children have no-one to play with, and how hard it is as parents having to listen to their lovely children fighting with each other.

Change of circumstances – Moving house, changing school, a new partner, a new nanny — any of these changes can make a child feel insecure and manifest itself in a change of behaviour. Once you have identified the problem, extra reassurance will usually resolve it. And that does not mean just a quick word. It may take several months of spending a little extra time with them and giving the reassurance that physical contact such as a protective arm around their shoulder or a hug can give.

Introducing new partners can also arouse feelings of jealousy and conflicting loyalties. There is nothing like talking to your children to discuss the new situation. Ask them how they feel. Do they feel angry or threatened? Do your best to dispel their worries. You cannot expect children to be excited about their mother or father having a new partner or for a parent suddenly wanting to do everything ‘like a family’ with the new stand-in for the other parent. It will take time and patience, depending on your children’s age, how long their parents have been separated and the attitude of the parents to each other.

Inferiority complex – Sometimes children will behave in silly ways to overcome a sense of inferiority, perhaps in class before a test or during PE. Not every child is going to be great at everything, so just continue to build up their self-esteem and explain that although they may not be able to climb the ropes in PE most people would love to be able to paint like them.

‘Defiant, me? No!!’