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Chapter 1

What Pornography Does to Marriages

The Pornography Epidemic

Several months ago, I had a phone conversation with a woman whom I’ll call Patricia. She was audibly upset. She had recently discovered that Dan, her husband of twenty years, had been viewing internet pornography regularly for many months, possibly years. Moreover, while searching through his computer, cell phone, and tablet, she discovered that he had been viewing very deviant and violent pornography. Patricia was devastated. To her, this was adultery. When she confronted her husband about it, he first denied it. Then, to avert his guilt and shame, he tried to blame her for his pornography use, claiming she wasn’t giving him enough sex — a tactic known as gaslighting. Patricia knew this was a weak excuse. While she still loved her husband, she knew they couldn’t continue with his pornography use. Patricia felt lost and afraid and wanted to know what she could do to save her marriage.

In a later marital session, I met Dan. He finally admitted he had struggled with pornography use for several years. It began when he was a teenager with magazines and video tapes, and later DVDs. When the internet emerged he began viewing pornography online. That is when his addiction really got bad. At its worst point, Dan was viewing pornography daily for at least an hour and masturbating. He knew it was wrong and that it would hurt Patricia. He knew it was damaging his relationship with God. He badly wanted to confess his problem to Patricia and get help, but the intense guilt and shame forced him to keep it a secret.

Every week I hear stories like this. In my work with people who struggle with pornography addiction and those affected by the addictions of their loved ones, nowhere do I see more damage than in marriages. Pornography addiction is not something that simply affects the pornography user. It traumatizes spouses and tears marriages apart. We need to address this issue for all parties affected.

Pornography addiction is the fastest growing epidemic in America. Modern neuroscience has shown us that pornography is an addictive substance that has the same effect on the brain as cocaine.¹ Pornography has become the new “drug of choice,” and millions are affected by it. Here are some sobering statistics on this fast-spreading epidemic:²

1. Thirteen percent of all search engine requests are for sexual content.

2. Ten percent of men will admit to being addicted to pornography.

3. About one-third of all visitors to pornographic websites are women.

4. Among millennials, 63 percent of men and 21 percent of women view pornography at least several times a week.

5. Fifty-five percent of married men say they watch porn at least once a month.

6. Twenty-five percent of married women say they watch porn at least once a month.

7. Most wives view their husband’s use of pornography as seriously as an extramarital affair.

8. Pornography is contributing to the further breakdown of the family.

9. Pornography plays a significant role in over 50 percent of all divorces.

Catholics are in no way immune to this problem. Millions are becoming affected by it, and while there are numerous Protestant resources available to combat this problem, few Catholic resources exist. Even fewer exist for Catholic couples affected by this epidemic. There is a desperate need to address this issue for Catholic couples to help heal and restore their marriages. For these reasons, I have written this book. My goal is to bring hope and healing to Catholic couples whose marriages have been torn apart by pornography addiction.

For over 20 years I have worked as a Catholic therapist helping thousands of individuals, couples and families. For the past 10 years, I have specialized in the treatment of pornography/sexual addiction. I was the first Catholic mental health professional to address this issue publicly. I have written extensively about it, and I have traveled throughout the United States and internationally educating Catholics about the dangers of pornography, on how to protect marriages and families, and on where those who are addicted can find help. Because of the widespread damage pornography addiction has done to individuals, marriages and families, I am passionate about helping all who are affected by this epidemic.

Pornography’s Impact on Marriages

Pornography use has a devastating effect on marriages. The discovery of a spouse’s pornography use usually causes shock and anger. While the pornography user may consider it harmless enough (after all, many rationalize it to themselves, one can’t have an affair with images on a computer screen), to the spouse these aren’t just images. They are real people! Pornography is not the harmless “adult entertainment” many people believe it to be. It has terrible consequences for real relationships with real husbands and wives.

Here is a brief overview of what pornography does to marriages:

It destroys the trust necessary for a healthy marriage and the ability to feel safe with the spouse they thought they knew.

To the spouse of a pornography addict, pornography use is as serious as an extramarital affair. Spouses of pornography users also feel deeply rejected. Sexuality is a very private and intimate gift that is meant to be shared only with one’s spouse, bonding a couple together and open to new life. With pornography, that special gift becomes tainted. Even though they’re “only” characters on a screen, it can feel as if complete strangers have been welcomed into the intimate self-gift between spouses. Most porn stars are very young with “perfect” bodies, only adding to the spouse’s sense of rejection and being cast aside. This is especially true for wives. Patricia is in her late forties. When she saw the kinds of women Dan was viewing in porn, she began to think, “I’m no longer beautiful or desirable. He wants to replace me with the young girls in porn.” This led her to question her identity and value as a woman. Such a betrayal cuts to the very soul of a woman, and the pain is beyond belief.³

Pornography shatters the respect spouses should have for each other.

Patricia had always considered Dan a faithful, virtuous husband. Discovering his pornography use destroyed that image. Patricia lost all respect for Dan. She could no longer view him as a good father and role model for their children. She didn’t even feel safe leaving their kids alone with him.

Spouses of people addicted to pornography often struggle with feelings of guilt.

Although rationally they know they are not to blame for their spouse’s pornography use, they can’t help but feel that if they were only prettier, nicer, more sexual, etc., their spouse would never have turned to pornography in the first place.

Some feel blamed by others for not being a better wife or a better husband.

Dealing with a spouse’s pornography addiction can feel very isolating. Because of the guilt and shame they feel being married to an addict, many refuse to discuss the issue with close friends and family, which leaves them to deal with it alone.

For the addicted person, life becomes consumed by the use of pornography.

No matter how hard they try, they cannot stop. Although society may approve of their behavior, deep down they know it is wrong, and they keep it a secret. They live their lives with the constant fear that others may find out about their sexual sins. The guilt and shame can be unbearable. Some even entertain thoughts of suicide because their pornography use has become unmanageable. As hard as they try, their pornography use does not cease. They may have short periods of sobriety, but they usually always return to it. The kinds of pornography they seek out often become more extreme. They go from soft porn to hard-core material. This can include pornography depicting sex that is deviant, violent, fetish, and homosexual. It can even include child pornography.

Pornography use can affect the way the user views his/her spouse.

Some begin to objectify their spouse and view them only as outlets for sex (this happens especially with men). Men in particular may come to accept the degradation of women in porn, losing their ability to see women as human beings.⁴ They may even try to coerce their wives into engaging in the degrading sex they’ve viewed in pornography. Many men also find it difficult to be sexual with their wives because of their pornography use. They are only aroused by the young women in porn. Many men who become addicted to porn actually develop erectile dysfunction when they try to be sexual with their wives.⁵ For women, pornography can lead to judging their husbands as inferior men. This is because for women, the men in porn can become perfect “knights in shining armor” to which no human man could ever measure up. As we will discuss later, it’s often the eroticized promise of the perfect relationship that gets women addicted to pornography.

Pornography addiction also has a negative impact on the user’s family and professional life.

Many users feel guilty about all the time their addiction takes away from their families, friends, and career. For some, the addiction gets so bad that they lose their jobs, or miss out on promotional opportunities. For Catholics who are addicted, they begin to feel that God could never love them, and that they are completely unlovable.

Myths about Pornography Use and Marriage

In our culture, myths abound regarding pornography use and marriages, and these myths make it harder for couples to heal and restore their personal lives and their marriages. We need to dispel these myths once and for all if couples are going to find lasting healing.

Here are eight common myths I’ve encountered in my work with couples impacted by pornography addiction over the years.

Myth #1: Viewing pornography is more exciting and fulfilling than healthy marital sex.

One of the major myths the pornography industry spreads is that the fantasy world of pornography is better than real sex. Pornography often portrays marriage as boring and restrictive, and that the sex in porn is more exciting and freeing. This myth has even led many young people to not want to get married. Rather than committing to one person for life, they believe that true happiness and fulfillment will only come from having multiple sex partners.⁶

The reality is that the sex in pornography never truly satisfies. If it did, pornography users would not need to search constantly for more exciting sexual experiences online. I compare sex to fire. Viewing pornography is like lighting a match. It flares up brightly and is exciting for a moment, but then it goes out just as quickly. It never fulfills. Sex in a healthy marital relationship is like building a slow-burning fire that grows over time. It may not be exciting all the time, but it truly satisfies and fulfills. It’s the loving, intimate relationship that accompanies marital sex that makes it fulfilling. The Sacrament of Marriage also adds grace to marital sex, which makes it even more fulfilling.

Myth #2: People turn to pornography because sex is a need.

One way that people try to justify their pornography use is by claiming they “need” sex.

The truth is that sex is an appetite, not a need. Food and water are actual needs: if you don’t have them, you die. If you can’t have sex, it might be a difficult cross to bear, but it won’t kill you. As an appetite, sex must be experienced in its proper context, that is, within a healthy marital relationship. Not being able to have sex whenever you want actually makes it more special and fulfilling.⁷

Myth #3: If a person uses pornography, it’s their spouse’s fault.

Some people claim they turn to pornography because they feel lonely in their marriage, are angry with their spouse, don’t get enough sex, don’t feel respected or appreciated by their spouse, etc. Each of these excuses explicitly or implicitly blames the spouse for the pornography use.

Here’s the truth: despite what might be going on in a marriage, a person’s pornography use is never the fault of their spouse. These excuses are weak copouts. While the issues listed above are serious and must be addressed, they never justify pornography use. The fact is that we are each responsible for our behaviors. Viewing pornography is an individual’s sole decision and responsibility. No one else can take the blame.

Myth #4: Pornography addiction is only a men’s issue.

While the majority of pornography addicts appear to be men, it is a growing issue for women. About one-third of visitors to pornographic websites are women. Studies have shown that 25 percent of women ages eighteen to thirty-four use pornography. Older women also view it — about 4 percent of women between the ages of fifty and sixty-five use pornography. About 2 percent of women use pornography several times a week.⁸ It is often difficult to identify pornography addiction in women, because they are attracted to a broader variety of pornographic media than men. In addition to visual pornography (pictures and videos), women are also attracted to chat rooms, blogs, erotic stories, racy romance novels, and social media for pornographic content. This could be due to the relational aspect of these types of pornography. There is even a new genre of pornography called “femme-porn.” Rather than showing women being abused and exploited, femme-porn depicts women as objects of desire who are slowly seduced into having sex with men.⁹

Another reason why this addiction is difficult to identify in women is the great shame they experience. Women fear if others found out about their addiction, they would be labeled a “slut” and ostracized. Thus, many women addicted to pornography never come forward to seek help. They suffer in silence.

Myth #5: Pornography addiction is nothing more than a selfish sin.

When one is devastated by the discovery that a spouse is addicted to pornography, it’s easy to view it as nothing more than selfishness or a moral failing on their part.

Yet neuroscience research now indicates that pornography is a highly addictive substance.¹⁰ Like alcoholism, we need to recognize pornography addiction for what it is: it is a disease. As such, it must be treated as a disease. Moreover, it’s a disease that affects the entire family. Many experts even refer to addiction in general as a family disease.

It is important for addicts and spouses to seek professional help immediately. The sooner they start a recovery program together, the greater their likelihood of success in healing and restoring their marriage. Recognizing pornography addiction as a disease makes it easier to let go of shame and seek the help that is needed for recovery. While it is beyond the scope of this book to discuss the dynamics of pornography addiction, information on this can be found in Matt Fradd’s The Porn Myth (2017) and William Struthers’ Wired for Intimacy (2010).

Myth #6: An addicted person uses porn because he/she wants more sex.

It’s easy to believe that those who compulsively view porn simply want more sex.

However, the truth is that pornography is really not about sex. It’s a drug that is used to cope with difficult feelings or situations. Just as some people turn to alcohol as an escape from emotional pain, others turn to pornography to escape. As the saying goes, “the problem is never the problem.” For the addict, pornography use is merely the symptom. The real issue(s) could be abuse, trauma, shame, loneliness, stress, anger, fear, boredom, or a need for intimacy.¹¹

Myth #7: People use pornography because they no longer find their spouses attractive or sexually desirable.

Spouses of pornography addicts, especially wives, often believe their spouse no longer finds them sexually desirable, and that they turned to porn because porn stars are very young and attractive. Some spouses might also believe the addict wants to replace them with a younger person. This is hardly ever the case. Most people who are addicted deeply love their spouses and wish they weren’t addicted. Some men may even struggle with erectile dysfunction because of their addiction, but this does not mean their wives have lost their beauty or desirability. Excessive pornography use conditions the addict to only be attracted to the actors in porn — people who really don’t exist in real life. Their addiction has caused them to lose their ability to appreciate the beauty of a real person.

Myth #8: If he (she) would only stop using pornography, our life could get back to where it used to be.

Many spouses view recovery as simply ending the pornography use and getting back to where their lives were before the problem was discovered. However, pornography use usually started before the marriage. For many people, pornography use began in childhood or adolescence. Now obviously, in any marriage, both partners need to be healthy to have a healthy relationship. If one or both entered into the marriage unhealthy, they cannot have a healthy marriage. Thus, if the pornography user was addicted prior to the start of the relationship, the marriage was never healthy to begin with. In other words, having a healthy marriage does not mean “going back to the way things used to be.” It means forging a new and healthy marital relationship. While this can be hard work, it can also be exciting. Now the couple can work together to create the marriage they’ve always wanted.

Can You Heal?

The answer to this question is YES! It will take time and patience. If you are the spouse addicted to pornography, you will need to immerse yourself in a comprehensive recovery program, and be totally committed to your program. In addition to overcoming your addiction, you will need to put in the work to heal your marriage. This will require acknowledging the problem, expressing sincere remorse, ending all pornography use and any other sinful sexual behaviors, being committed to recovery, making amends, restoring trust, growing in virtue, adopting a healthy lifestyle, and developing healthy marital intimacy.

If you are the spouse of a pornography addict, you will need first of all to recognize how deeply you have been wounded. You need a safe place to heal, which includes counseling and support. You also need to recognize that your spouse is struggling with an addiction, which is a disease, not a moral failing. Your addicted spouse never meant to hurt you. Like your addicted spouse, you will need to be committed to healing and restoring your marriage.

For both of you, the healing process will take time. Be patient, forgiving, and committed to your personal and marital recovery.

On this journey to healing, you will need counseling, support, and accountability. Work on forgiving each other and reconciling daily. Recovering addicts will need to prove their trustworthiness each day, and spouses will need to gradually take the risk of trusting again. Each of you needs to see the good in the other and recognize the strengths each of you brings to the marriage. Believe that together, with God’s help, you can not only restore your marriage, but create one that is healthier and happier than you could ever imagine.

Reflection

At this point, what hope do you have that your marriage can be healed and restored?