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Chapter 2

Defining and Diagnosing Pornography Addiction

According to Dr. Mark Laaser, pornography/sexual addiction is any persistent and escalating unhealthy pattern of sexual behavior.¹² It is compulsive in nature and used to avoid or change feelings despite destructive consequences to self and others.

Diagnosing an addiction to pornography requires the assistance of a trained mental health professional. While there are many self-tests you can take regarding this issue, at most they can only help assess your risk of being addicted to pornography or cybersex. However, there are signs you can look for that may indicate a real addiction.

Since most pornography today is accessed online, Dr. Patrick Carnes, in his book, In the Shadows of the Net, notes ten characteristics of problematic online sexual behavior:¹³

1. Preoccupation with sex on the internet

2. Frequently engaging in sex on the internet more often or for longer periods of time than intended

3. Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on, or stop engaging in sex on the internet

4. Restlessness or irritability when attempting to limit or stop engaging in sex on the internet

5. Using sex on the internet as a way of escaping from problems or relieving feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, or depression

6. Returning to sex on the internet day after day in search of a more intense or higher-risk sexual experience

7. Lying to family members, therapists, or others to conceal involvement with sex on the internet

8. Committing illegal sexual acts online (for example, sending or downloading child pornography or soliciting illegal sex acts online)

9. Jeopardizing or losing a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because of online sexual behavior

10. Incurring significant financial consequences as a result of engaging in online sexual behavior

If you and/or your spouse are struggling with any of these signs, I recommend seeking the help of a competent mental health professional who is certified in the diagnosis and treatment of sexual addiction. Along with this book, they can help you on the road to healing and restoration. (I provide information in the following chapters and in the appendix on finding a qualified therapist.)

Who Is a Pornography Addict?

Pornography addicts are beloved children of God. Despite anything they’ve done, God still delights in them. As God’s beloved children, they are still lovable and deserve to heal and be healthy. They come from all walks of life. Most are intelligent, sensitive, and spiritual. They can be any age, married or single, professional or blue collar. What distinguishes them from other people is their way of coping with life’s hurts: they self-medicate with pornography in an attempt to assuage deep wounds they have experienced.

Sex addiction encompasses many behaviors, including pornography use. For most sex addicts though, their primary behavior is the use of pornography. Because of this, for the purpose of this book, I use the terms sex addiction and pornography addiction synonymously. According to Dr. Mark Laaser and colleagues,¹⁴ pornography/sex addicts share the following characteristics:

1. Poor self-image. Because of their woundedness and addiction, many pornography addicts struggle with poor self-image. Some try to hide this by acting overly confident, but it’s just an act. Others may try to compensate by overachieving in order to prove (to themselves and others) that they are good people. Some are underachievers believing they will never amount to anything. Deep down, none of them believe they are worthy of being loved.

2. Need to escape. For many addicts the emotional pain they experience is so great that they look for an escape. They discover early on that cybersex is the ultimate escape. For some it may be the only relief they have ever known. When they are feeling down, it picks them up. When they are stressed, it calms them down. It helps them cope with life.

3. Sense of entitlement. Some might believe that because of their struggles, they deserve the relief that cybersex brings. This is often fueled by anger. Others use it as a reward for jobs well done. Both of these views come from a sense of entitlement (selfishness).

4. Unmanageability and efforts to control. For most addicts, their addiction has made their lives totally unmanageable. Their main goal is to gain some sense of control, but they eventually realize this is futile. They try but can’t stop using pornography. They might succeed for a while by “white-knuckling it” or “acting-in” (see below). Some may believe that if they pray hard enough, God will cure them. Then, when nothing changes, they come to believe they are bad people and God no longer loves them. This can lead to hopelessness and despair, which only perpetuates the addiction.

5. Acting-in or sexual anorexia. Some people, in an effort to cure their addiction, completely eliminate sex from their lives. They become asexual. This is not healthy because God created us to be sexual beings, and having a healthy sex life in marriage is good. The best way to understand acting-in is to compare sexual addiction to an eating disorder:

Being at either end of the scale is not healthy. Sexual anorexia or “acting-in” is little more than white-knuckling it and usually doesn’t last long. Eventually the addict will fall back into his old behaviors, which leads to hopelessness and despair.

6. Denial and delusions. Some people never seek help, or they give up trying to get better. They may fear strong moral judgments from others, or rejection. Often it is shame that keeps them from seeking help or persevering in recovery. Some may try to justify their behaviors with excuses such as “I was lonely” or “My wife never wants to have sex.” These attitudes are fueled by selfishness and anger. Addicts try to minimize their problem and may even talk themselves into believing it isn’t that bad. This is delusion.

7. Rigidity and blaming. In a desperate attempt to stop their behaviors, some may look for strict formulas to follow. This often leads to rigid thinking. If they could just find the right formula, they could be cured. Often this leads to a religious/behavioral plan: there’s a right way to do things and a wrong way. This doesn’t solve the problem, but it can lead to self-righteousness and blaming.

8. Relational difficulties/intimacy disorder. People addicted to cybersex often have great difficulties in relationships. Because of early life traumas and shame, they struggle to be vulnerable with other people. They live their lives by five faulty core beliefs:

1) I’m unworthy of being loved.

2) If people really knew me, they would reject me.

3) I can’t count on anyone, even God, to meet my needs.

4) I must find something that I can control that will meet my needs.

5) Pornography is my greatest need and source of comfort.

Because of these core beliefs, pornography addicts are unable to be truly intimate with others. This is why we often refer to sexual addiction as an intimacy disorder: addicts are self-medicating their craving for intimacy with pornography.

9. Rigid and disengaged, or enmeshed boundaries. People who struggle with addiction often come from families with unhealthy boundaries. Those who grew up with rigid and disengaged boundaries enjoy the freedom of not being tied to anyone, yet they can also feel extremely lonely. They may appear to be popular but have few close relationships. Keeping people at a distance and avoiding accountability allows them to maintain their addiction. Those who grew up with enmeshed boundaries appear to have close intimate relationships, but this is an illusion. They end up in relationships with codependent people who need them and/or are willing to take care of them. This can also lead to feeling overwhelmed and lonely.

10. Sexual ignorance and confusion. Most addicts are totally unaware of what healthy sexuality and intimacy looks like. They have not had a healthy and adequate sexual education, and healthy intimacy has never been modeled for them. Many sex addicts were sexually abused as children, leading them to equate sex with love. The wrong messages they received about sex, love, and intimacy often lead them to use pornography to acquire the love and intimacy they so desperately desire. (Adding to the problem, when sex is portrayed as dirty or forbidden, it can become more appealing to young people, especially, which contributes to unhealthy views of sex.)

11. Cross addictions. Rarely does a pornography addict struggle with just one addiction. Many struggle with multiple addictions, such as food, nicotine, television, social media, video games, gambling, etc. Often their other addictions are to socially accepted substances, such as food or television. This makes these addictions harder to identify. And addicts often cycle through addictions. When it appears that they’ve overcome one addiction, they simply pick up another. Ultimately, they do this because they have never identified and resolved the root causes of their addictions.

12. ADD/ADHD. People with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit-Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) tend to be more susceptible to addiction. This is because they can be very impulsive, and their brains crave neural stimulation — something pornography provides in unlimited amounts.

13. Depression and anxiety. Addicts are known to struggle with both depression and anxiety. The depression and anxiety may be the cause or the result of pornography use. Either way, pornography and masturbation are often used by addicts to regulate their moods. It lifts them up when they are feeling blue and calms them down when they are stressed.

It’s Rarely Just Pornography: Related Addictive Behaviors

When couples come to me for help, they often claim it’s just for pornography use. However, most people who struggle with pornography are addicted to multiple substances/behaviors. Often, as discussed above, the substances are socially acceptable, such as tobacco, caffeine, food, television, shopping, video games, etc. While socially acceptable, these behaviors can also be very damaging to an individual and a marriage.

Furthermore, pornography addicts may be addicted to other sexual behaviors, including:

1. Lustful Fantasies

2. Masturbation

3. Strip Clubs

4. Massage Parlors

5. Porn Shops

6. Phone Sex

7. Prostitutes

8. Anonymous Sex

9. Social Media Sex (Cybersex): chat rooms, web cams, sexting, etc.

10. Exhibitionism

11. Voyeurism

12. Fetish sex: leather, rubber, shoes, etc.

13. Violent sex

Regardless of whether they are socially acceptable, these are all sinful behaviors. Any of these behaviors also should be addressed as part of the recovery program. Often people who are addicted may give up pornography use, but still struggle with one or more other addictive behaviors. The tough reality is, these people are not really in recovery. They have simply turned to another substance/behavior for self-medication.

To highlight this reality, let’s look again at Dan and Patricia from the previous chapter. In addition to pornography use, Dan’s addictive behaviors included frequenting strip clubs, eating, watching television, and playing video games. It was a bit of a shock for Patricia and Dan to realize how much time he spent escaping through these unhealthy behaviors. It made Dan realize how difficult he found life. He carried many fears regarding his opportunity for success at work, being a loving husband, and being an effective parent. The weight of all his responsibilities was often unbearable. So he escaped into fantasy worlds to cope.

Reflection

What other addictive behaviors have affected you and your marriage?

Shame as an Obstacle to Healing

One of the most difficult obstacles to overcome for both pornography users and their spouses is shame. In order to understand shame, we need to distinguish it from guilt.

Guilt is an emotion that focuses on actions. This emotion convicts us when we have done something wrong and compels us to apologize and make amends. In the Old Testament, Nathan confronts King David about killing Uriah, and David experiences guilt. This leads David to repent and be reconciled with God and the people of Israel (2 Sam 12).

Shame, on the other hand, is an emotion that focuses on the worth of a person. It leads a person to believe that because of what they’ve done, or what has been done to them, they are terrible and worthless. They feel they need to hide their actions and not let anyone truly know them. They believe if others knew the truth about them, they would be rejected, humiliated, ridiculed, and ostracized. This leads them to hide behind a façade that everything is fine in their life. They live in isolation, where their addiction festers and grows. Genesis 3 describes how Adam and Eve covered themselves and hid because they were naked. The shame they experienced because of their sin led them to doubt their worth and to hide for fear of being discovered by God.

Guilt is actually a good emotion. It leads people to take ownership of their words and actions and make corrections where needed. This can lead to reconciliation and stronger, healthier relationships. It can also strengthen a person’s sense of self-worth. Shame is a negative emotion. It leads people to hide, thus preventing them from making amends and restoring relationships. It can result in deeply wounded relationships and lowered self-worth. Because of their need to hide, those who live in shame never let anyone truly know them. This prevents true intimacy from developing and fosters loneliness.¹⁵

When it comes to pornography addiction and sexual infidelity, the addict and the wounded spouse will experience shame in unique ways. The addicted person feels shame because of sexual sins. They believe that because of their sins they are bad people who could never be loved by anyone, including God. Spouses of pornography addicts feel shame because of the hurt, betrayal, and sense of rejection they experience as a result of their spouse’s pornography use and sexual infidelity. They may blame themselves for it, believing they have been bad spouses.

As a couple, they may feel shame because of the deep wounds that have been inflicted upon their marriage. This can be especially difficult if they hold positions of esteem in their church or community. They may feel they need to present the image of having the perfect marriage when in reality their marriage has been torn apart. For both spouses, individually and as a couple, there is the constant fear of what others might think of them if their wounds were made public.

Because of the fears associated with shame, many individuals and couples find it very difficult to reach out for help. Many will spend months, or longer, unsuccessfully trying to resolve this issue on their own. Unable to succeed, some simply give up and live in shame, trapped in their addiction. In reality, it’s those who recognize their powerlessness and reach out for help that are most likely to find freedom from this affliction.

Reflection

How has shame prevented you from getting help?

God, the Church, and Healing

Many people trapped in pornography addiction believe God could never love them because of their sins. Spouses of addicts believe God has abandoned them because he doesn’t seem to be there to take away their pain. Hard is it may be, it’s important for all who are affected to recognize God’s great love and compassion for each person. He understands the pain and wants to bring healing and restoration to individual lives and marriages. And he will do this in many ways.

One way God brings healing from pornography addiction is through the caring people he puts in your life. Priests, religious, counselors, support groups, accountability partners, family, friends, and even your spouse can all be channels of God’s healing love. Not only will he heal the wounds that led to, or were caused by, the pornography use, he may also uncover other deep wounds in your life that need to be healed. You will find that, as difficult as this process may be, God is actually blessing you through it. You will come out stronger and healthier than you ever imagined. God won’t let you down! Right now he’s calling you to trust him with your pain and be patient with the process.

The Church speaks very clearly about pornography and how dangerous it is. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants, since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials. (CCC 2354)

Pornography hurts both consumers and producers. It takes sex from a holy expression of love between a husband and wife, which is open to new life, and reduces it to nothing more than a recreational activity where people are selfishly used. For married couples, this is adultery. No good can come from it.

The good news is, the Church understands that many people are wounded by pornography addiction. She knows how damaging it is to marriages and families. Moreover, she has deep compassion for those affected and wants to help them experience God’s love and healing. Because this is such an important issue, in 2015 the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) issued a statement on pornography entitled Create in Me a Clean Heart: A Pastoral Response to Pornography. The purpose of the document is to educate Catholics on the dangers of pornography and to give hope to those who are addicted or affected by the addiction of loved ones. It presents the Church as a field hospital ready to serve those hurt by pornography. The document states:

As pastors of the Catholic Church, we offer this statement to give a word of hope and healing to those who have been harmed by pornography and to raise awareness of its pervasiveness and harms. In the confessional and in our daily ministry and work with families, we have seen the corrosive damage caused by pornography — children whose innocence is stolen; men and women who feel great guilt and shame for viewing pornography occasionally or habitually; spouses who feel betrayed and traumatized; and men, women and children exploited by the pornography industry. While the production and use of pornography has always been a problem, in recent years its impact has grown exponentially, in large part due to the internet and mobile technology. Some have even described it as a public health crisis. Everyone, in some way, is affected by increased pornography use in society. We all suffer negative consequences from its distorted view of the human person and sexuality. As bishops, we are called to proclaim anew the abundant mercy and healing of God found in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, and through his Church.¹⁶

God and his Church are ready to help those who struggle with pornography addiction or are affected by it. Clergy and many who work within the Church are here to help through support, prayer, sacraments, and spiritual direction. They may also be able to direct you to needed resources, such as counselors and recovery groups. Do not be afraid to take your struggles to the Church. There are pastors, priests, deacons, religious, and pastoral ministers who can guide you to the right resources for healing and recovery. The Church truly is a field hospital for those who are hurting.

Reflection

Do you believe that God wants to heal and restore your marriage? Do you believe that the Church can help?

Recovery

The good news is that people can and do recover from pornography addiction, and marriages can be restored. You have already begun by picking up this book to work with your spouse on healing and recovery for each of you as individuals, and for your marriage. Recovery is a process of change through which you will improve your health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach your full potential. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), there are four signs of healthy recovery¹⁷ (for both of you as individuals and for you as a couple):

• Being able to address problems as they happen, without self-medicating, and without getting stressed out

• Having at least one person you can be completely honest with

• Establishing personal boundaries and knowing which issues are yours and which ones belong to other people

• Taking the time to restore your energy — physical and emotional — when you are tired

The ultimate goal of recovery is not simply to end the use of pornography. It’s transformation: becoming a new creation in Christ — the person and couple God created you to be. This leads to true personal and marital healing.¹⁸