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Chapter 3

The Disease of Pornography Addiction

It’s Not Just a Moral Failing, It’s a Disease

Clearly, pornography use and any associated sexual infidelity are objectively sinful. This is pretty easy to see. These actions violate marital vows and are in fact adulterous. They also violate God’s beautiful plan for human sexuality. In addition, these actions exploit vulnerable young women and support an industry that views people as nothing more than commodities to be used and thrown away. Adding to the evils of pornography and extramarital sexual activity, users almost always resort to numerous lies and deceit to cover up their habits, and the addiction leads them to neglect their real relationships and responsibilities. For those who engage in such actions, sex can become a false god. Most people would readily agree with this, even those who are addicted to pornography and sex. It’s easy to see the moral failing here.

Viewing it only as a moral failing, however, does not help the addict or the injured spouse. Instead, it only heaps more shame and condemnation on the addicted person. Simply demanding that the addict stop these behaviors because they are sinful is almost always unsuccessful. Their inability to stop only makes them feel worse and more trapped in the addiction. They feel like a failure, and their spouses also suffer, because no matter how hard they try to demand, plead, or bargain with them to stop, nothing changes.

While I don’t want to deny or diminish the fact that these actions are sinful, true healing and recovery can come only when we can also view the addiction as a disease. Like any other disease, this addiction requires professional treatment. This is what has made the treatment of other addictions, such as alcoholism, successful. Recognizing addiction as a disease helps remove much of the shame and stigma associated with it, and it can give an addicted person the strength to reach out for help and to be committed to recovery. Most importantly, recognizing this disease for what it is helps men and women know that despite anything they have done, they are still lovable.

Reflection

How has viewing pornography addiction as a moral failing affected the way you have dealt with it?

Are you willing to admit that your addiction is actually a disease?

If so, how does this change in viewpoint affect the way you deal with it?

How Men and Women Become Addicted to Pornography

To understand any addiction, we need to view it as two sides of a coin. On one side is the physical addiction, where a person becomes physically dependent on the substance in question, whether that be drugs, alcohol, or pornography. On the other side of the coin is the emotional addiction, where the substance is used to cope with deep emotional wounds or conflicts (“self-medicating”).

Let’s explore both sides of the coin as they relate to pornography addiction and see how they work together to leave people trapped in this addiction.

The Physical Addiction

One thing we need to understand here is that men’s and women’s brains are wired differently. All humans (men and women) are wired to be attracted to that which is new, different, exciting, and novel. Men, however, tend to be more visually stimulated than women. This is why men usually prefer visual pornography (photos, videos, and anime). Women, on the other hand, are more relationally stimulated. Thus, they are more attracted to pornography that depicts a relationship.

Because of their attraction to relationship, the types of pornography that women are drawn to are more varied than men. In addition to visual pornography, women are also attracted to pornography in written forms. This can include racy romance novels, erotic literature, and sexual blogs. It also includes social media, sexting, emails, and chat rooms. In most written pornography, a woman participates vicariously in a sexual relationship through her reading. In a chat room, a woman directly participates in sexual fantasy through live interactions with male partners. Through these pornographic chats, it’s as if a woman is writing her own romance novel and she is the star. The fantasy can be intensified if she and her partner are using webcams. The visual pornography industry understands women’s attraction to relationships and has developed a new form of pornography that feeds this attraction. It’s called femme-porn. Rather than showing women being abused and exploited, femme-porn depicts women as objects of desire who are slowly seduced into having sex with men.¹⁹

Social media is also a way that women participate in relational pornography. Through outlets such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, and Snapchat, they can exchange both visual and written forms of pornography. In these cases, it’s often their own amateur pornography that they share. They can even engage in pornography in virtual reality. Through video games and virtual worlds, such as Second Life, they can create characters, called avatars. These characters engage in sex with other characters.²⁰

For both men and women, viewing pornography has a tremendous impact on the brain. The constant stream of sexually enticing images offered by internet pornography feeds the human need for things that are new, different, exciting, and novel.²¹ It directly impacts the reward center of the brain (the nucleus accumbens). This triggers the release of several chemicals in the brain:

• Dopamine: a neurotransmitter that produces intense pleasurable feelings and prompts cravings for more. It instills memories of sexual encounters in the brain and directs a person back to pornography when a “fix” is needed.

• Delta-Fos-B: also known as iFos-B, this is a protein that desensitizes the brain neurons to dopamine, which makes the brain need more of it to experience the desired pleasure. It also hyper-sensitizes the pleasure center of the brain (nucleus accumbens) to the effects of dopamine, creating a desire for more of it.

• Serotonin: a neurotransmitter released in small packets in the brain that increases excitement.

• Norepinephrine: a neurotransmitter and hormone that affects the brain like adrenaline, ramping it up for sexual release. It also locks in the erotic image in the brain and activates the autonomic nervous system. So, while someone is viewing pornography, their heart will start to beat faster, breathing will get heavier, and some people may even begin to sweat.

• With all this neurochemical activity going on, a message is sent down the spinal cord to the genitals for sexual arousal.

• Endogenous Endorphins: all the neurochemical activity creates a tension that can only be relieved with an orgasm. So, the person masturbates. With the orgasm, opiate chemicals, endogenous endorphins, are released into the brain causing a sense of euphoria.

• Serotonin: after the orgasm, serotonin levels increase, providing a sense of relaxation.

• CRASH: after the orgasm, the period of intense relaxation can be short-lived. Then the “crash” occurs. The high levels of dopamine drop dramatically, creating a “dopamine hangover.” Symptoms of this can include irritability, depression, and anxiety. This can last up to two weeks.

• Return to Pornography: not liking the dopamine hangover, the brain will try to escape it. Dopamine and iFos-B will direct the brain back to pornography to return to the pleasurable sensation it has previously experienced.²²

Ultimately, the largest sex organ in the body is the brain. All of the other physical and emotional sensations (sexual arousal, orgasm, euphoria, etc.) are reactions to what goes on in the brain. This leads people to return to pornography repeatedly to get that blast of neurochemical stimulation that produces the pleasurable sensations. When viewing pornography, the high levels of dopamine released into the brain stimulate the brain’s reward system, increasing the craving for more. The other chemicals and the orgasm reinforce this process. The ultimate crash then leads a person back to pornography to avoid the negative effects of the dopamine hangover.

As these behaviors are repeated, the brain is conditioned to return to them repeatedly, creating neural pathways that make it easier to go back to pornography and masturbation. Scientists call this neuroplasticity — reinforcing behaviors based on experiences.²³ Think of it this way: “neurons that fire together, wire together.”

You may wonder if this same process occurs when a healthy husband and wife engage in sexual intercourse. It does, but it is a bit different. There are two additional chemicals released in the brain during this type of sexual encounter: oxytocin and vasopressin. These are hormones released during sex that bond a husband and wife closer together in their relationship. These chemicals, along with the healthy intimacy of the loving relationship, prevent the crash. Instead of dropping rapidly, dopamine levels decrease gradually back to a normal state. There is no dopamine hangover. The couple experiences love and contentment. There is no oxytocin or vasopressin with pornography. This is why sex with pornography (cybersex) can never satisfy. Instead, it constantly leads a person back to pornography and masturbation.²⁴

As with any addiction, a tolerance develops. More of the substance is needed to get the same effect. Thus, “soft” porn becomes boring and no longer stimulating. Here men and women may move on to more hardcore forms of pornography, including pornography that depicts deviant and violent forms of sexuality. They also begin to spend more time viewing pornography. Instead of viewing pornography for twenty minutes once a week, many addicts end up spending several hours a day viewing it. For some, the tolerance grows to the point where just viewing pornography is no longer satisfying. Now they want to experience it live.

At this point, some men begin to frequent strip clubs. Eventually this can lead to acting out sexually with strippers and prostitutes, which increases the risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections.

When women reach this point, they may begin to frequent chat rooms. Eventually this can lead to engaging in cybersex (acting out sexually with other people online), often with the use of webcams. This can be especially dangerous for women. Studies have shown women are more willing to meet the men they have met online in person.²⁵ So a woman may think she is having a romantic rendezvous at a local hotel with a great guy she met online, only to find he is nothing like he described himself. He may even be a serial murderer or rapist.

The growing tolerance is actually caused by physical changes in the brain, which come about due to the tremendous amounts of dopamine released when viewing pornography. The brain eventually fatigues and becomes less responsive to the dopamine. Delta-FosB desensitizes neurons to dopamine, yet it overstimulates the pleasure center of the brain (nucleus accumbens), causing it to crave more. Dopamine also instills strong memories of the pleasurable response to pornography, so when sexual craving arises, the brain knows exactly what to do: go back to viewing pornography. Because of these processes, more dopamine is needed to achieve the same pleasurable feelings. Thus, more pornography is needed, as well as stronger forms of it.²⁶

Another change in the brain that affects pornography use is hypofrontality. The frontal lobes of the brain, also known as the prefrontal cortex, are responsible for executive functioning. They allow us to think rationally and make informed decisions about what is and is not healthy for us. Studies have shown that those who are addicted to sex exhibit a decrease (shrinkage) in the size of the frontal lobes. With the frontal lobes compromised, when the temptation to view pornography emerges, the addicted person may not have the willpower to resist it. The craving for dopamine and sexual release may then be too strong for the person to resist, and he or she will succumb to viewing pornography and masturbating.

In addition to tolerance, a dependence also develops. The brain becomes so accustomed to operating at such an abnormally high level of chemical stimulation that it must maintain that level just to function. At this point dopamine and iFos-B draw men and women back to pornography over and over again. In addition to the dopamine crash, some people may even experience withdrawal symptoms such as depression, anxiety, irritability, and insomnia if they don’t get a regular “fix.” Now the person is physically addicted to the effects of pornography.

This is the disease of addiction. As you can see, pornography use can actually “hijack” the brain, leaving a person unable to resist the temptation to use pornography. This is common with other addictive substances as well, such as alcohol, drugs, and gambling. Fortunately, those in successful recovery can experience a full restoration of the frontal lobes to their normal size, and their willpower can increase. While it can take up to eighteen months for dopamine receptors to heal, an addicted person can return to normal, healthy brain functioning.²⁷

The Emotional Addiction

Beyond the physical addiction to pornography, many men and women become emotionally addicted to it. Most men are introduced to pornography during their childhood or early adolescent years, and the current average age of exposure to hardcore internet pornography is eight.²⁸ Most women are introduced to pornography by accident or search for it out of curiosity. For both men and women, the physical effects of porn can be experienced immediately. Over time, however, many also discover that pornography can be used to escape negative emotions. Those who use porn this way often struggle with many deep emotional wounds. It’s as if a little voice deep down inside says, “Hey, porn is an excellent escape! It makes us forget all our troubles. Let’s go back to it!” Because the effects of pornography are temporary, those who use it to self-medicate will need to return to it over and over again to keep their emotional pain at bay. Their repeated use of pornography leads them to become emotionally dependent on it.

Most men and women are unaware that they use pornography to cope with deep emotional pain. Many have carried their wounds for so long they don’t even recognize them anymore. All they know is that they enjoy viewing pornography regularly. This attitude is reinforced by our society, which has normalized porn. Yet by using pornography to self-medicate their wounds, many people have become emotionally addicted to it, and they don’t realize it.

Typical wounds men and women use pornography to self-medicate include:

1. Early exposure to pornography

2. Excessive exposure to pornography

3. Narcissism/selfishness

4. Family-of-origin wounds

a) Abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual)

b) Death of close loved one(s)

c) Divorce of parents

d) Rejection/abandonment/neglect

e) Excessive time in daycare

f) Family history of addiction

g) Family history of mental illness

h) Authority rape

5. Shame

6. Peer rejection

a) In childhood

b) In adolescence

7. Sexual abuse/rape

8. Loneliness

9. Insecurity

10. Poor body image

11. Anger

12. Grief

13. Sadness

14. Perfectionism

15. Mistrust of the opposite sex

16. Excessive pressures in life

a) Work

b) Family

c) Financial

17. Weak spiritual life

You’ll notice that the first wound listed above is early exposure to pornography. This is traumatic for children because it destroys their innocence. It introduces them to a world for which they are not ready or prepared. Their brains have not developed to the point where they can truly understand what is going on in pornography. The excitement and shame they experience are confusing. Most are unable to talk about their experience with trusted adults because of their shame. They may repeatedly go back to viewing pornography because of the excitement it brings, yet also struggle with deep shame because of it. As young adolescents, they can easily become addicted to pornography. The deep trauma this causes is a real wound for many in our society.

The emotional and physical sides of addiction work together to perpetuate the cycle. People who are addicted to pornography return to it regularly to keep emotional pain at bay, and this reinforces the physical side of the addiction, allowing it to take hold. So, men and women become physically and emotionally addicted to pornography, making it even harder to break free from it.

Reflection

Which of the wounds listed above have you been using pornography to self-medicate?

Attachment Wounds

Attachment wounds play a critical role in the development of addictions. Attachment refers to the emotional bond an infant develops with his primary care givers — typically, the mother or father.

While a strong attachment to both parents is crucial for healthy development, I have found that attachment wounds with the father are especially prevalent in men who are addicted to pornography/sex. Boys develop a healthy attachment with their father when he is actively involved in their lives, starting at birth. Fathers build this attachment when they provide ample love, affection, and nurturance through eye contact, talking, and singing to the child in a gentle voice, playing with the child, comforting the child, and meeting the child’s basic needs. This aids in healthy neural development for the child, referred to as a secure attachment.²⁹

When a child, especially a boy, has a secure attachment to his father, he can observe how his father effectively deals with stressful situations. This enables the child to trust his father and feel safe with him. He knows he can always count on his father to take care of him and to keep him safe. This is called co-regulation. From this process, a deep confidence develops within the boy. He learns from his father how to deal with life’s stressful situations, and he has a strong belief that he has the strength and ability to do so successfully. This is called self-regulation. A child with a healthy, secure attachment to his father can develop healthy self-regulation, because he has a strong external locus of control. When life gets tough, he knows he has what it takes to survive and flourish. When feeling stressed, afraid, sad, angry, abandoned, etc., he is able to self-soothe and deal with his situation in healthy, effective ways.³⁰

Unfortunately, many men who become addicted did not have a healthy attachment with their fathers. We call this an insecure attachment. This is often the result of deep family-of-origin wounds, such as abuse (physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, neglect); death of close loved ones; divorce of parents; rejection or abandonment; a family history of addiction; a family history of mental illness; and authority rape.

While attachment wounds with the father play a key role in developing addictions in men, attachment wounds with the mother are often the cause of developing addictions in women. Many women who become addicted to pornography/sex never formed a healthy attachment to their mothers. Similar to fathers and sons, a healthy attachment between mother and daughter develops when the mother provides ample love, affection, and nuturance through eye contact, talking and singing to the child in a gentle voice, playing with the child, comforting the child, and meeting the child’s basic needs. This aids in healthy neural development for the child.³¹

Through this bonded relationship, a little girl observes how her mother effectively deals with stressful situations. She is able to trust her mother and feel safe with her. She knows she can always count on her mother to take care of her and to keep her safe. This is called co-regulation. From this process, a deep confidence develops within the child. She not only learns from her mother how to deal with life’s stressful situations, she believes she also has the strength and the ability to successfully deal with them. She is able to self-soothe when times are tough. This is called self-regulation. A child with a healthy, secure attachment to her mother can develop healthy self-regulation.³²

Unfortunately, many women who become addicted did not have a healthy attachment with their mothers, often as the result of family-of-origin wounds like those described above. This lack of healthy bonding can actually affect brain development. If the primary caregiver’s confidence and ability to self-regulate are not imprinted onto their child, the child may become insecurely attached, believing deep down that they do not have the strength and ability to deal with life’s stressful situations. They have great difficulty self-soothing. Instead of being able to self-regulate, they become neurobiologically programmed to regulate externally. Thus, when they become depressed, anxious, sad, or angry, they look outside of themselves to regulate their emotions using any means possible. This often results in self-medicating with drugs, alcohol, food, pornography, and sex.³³

There are three types of insecure attachment:³⁴

• Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: People with this kind of insecure attachment fear abandonment. They seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their partners, and they often appear very needy in relationships. They may even become codependent. Many people with anxious-preoccupied attachment may have had a secure attachment early in life that was somehow damaged. This can happen through death, divorce, or abandonment. They desperately want to get back the feeling of safety and security they once knew. They believe, “You’re okay; I’m not okay.” To ease their emotional pain and anxiety, they may self-medicate with pornography.

• Avoidant-Fearful Attachment: People who struggle with this kind of insecure attachment have mixed feelings about close relationships. Deep down, they crave intimacy, yet they feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. They may feel unworthy of being loved and expect to be rejected by others. They believe, “You’re not okay; I’m not okay.” They may turn to pornography to gain some sense of intimacy and connection without the risk of being hurt.

• Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment: People with this kind of attachment disorder view themselves as independent and self-sufficient. They are “loners.” They deny needing close relationships and may avoid attachment altogether. They may appear very guarded and defensive in the relationships they do have. For these people, attachment = danger. They deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the source of rejection. They believe “I’m okay; you’re not okay.” While they may claim not to need relationships, pornography use may be a way to experience some form of intimacy without the threat of rejection.

To determine if you struggle with an attachment wound — and if so, what type of attachment wound — it’s best to consult a licensed therapist. Working on the healing of attachment wounds is necessary for healthy recovery. It will enable you to enjoy healthy bonded relationships and find effective ways to deal with life’s stresses. For married couples, it’s not uncommon for both spouses to struggle with attachment wounds that can have a detrimental effect on their marriage. Working on healing these wounds in marital therapy can greatly improve a marriage.³⁵

Trauma

Any of the emotional wounds listed above can be extremely traumatic and can result in attachment wounds, but family-of-origin wounds are often the most severe. Trauma is typically defined as an occurrence wherein an individual sees or experiences a risk to their own life or physical safety, or that of other people, and feels terror, fear, or helplessness. The occurrence might additionally cause confusion,³⁶ dissociation, and a loss of a feeling³⁷ of security.³⁸ Traumatic occurrences test a person’s observation³⁹ of the world as a secure, just, and predictable place. Many men and women use pornography and sex to deal with their past traumas.

There are eight possible trauma reactions that can lead a person into using pornography.⁴⁰ These are:

1. Trauma Splitting: If a traumatic memory is too painful, the survivor will disassociate. Their eyes become blank and distant, and they retreat from consciousness and simply “tune out.” Some will use unhealthy repetitive behaviors to help them block the pain, such as compulsive pornography viewing.

2. Trauma Pleasure: Some individuals cope with trauma by finding pleasure in pain. For example, a person who was sexually abused as a child may seek out dangerous behaviors to find self-worth. This can include viewing violent pornography or being sexually promiscuous. This may also be the only way that he or she can experience sexual arousal.

3. Trauma Blocking: Some trauma survivors engage in unhealthy activities to escape their pain. This can include eating, drinking, drugging, smoking, watching television, playing video games, gambling, viewing pornography, and promiscuous sex.

4. Trauma Reaction: Some survivors have mental and/or emotional reactions to trauma, including flashbacks, sudden and uncontrollable sobbing, anger outbursts, and/or nightmares. There can even be physical reactions such as high blood pressure, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, headaches, backaches, etc. People with these symptoms are often diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Spouses struggling with betrayal of trust can also experience this. Pornography and sex can be used as an unhealthy way of coping with these symptoms.

5. Trauma Abstinence: To avoid triggering the pain, some trauma survivors may avoid eating, communicating, certain relationships, driving, spending, etc. If a person has been sexually abused, he or she may avoid all sexual activity. This is also known as “sexual anorexia” or “acting-in.”

6. Trauma Shame: This response is often found in people who have been abused. They blame themselves for the abuse and get caught up in the identity of shame. Survivors come to believe they are bad, worthless, or stupid. They may actually believe they deserved the abuse. By taking on this self-image, they are able to make sense of the trauma and feel like they have some control over it. For a woman, viewing pornography that degrades women may be her way of reinforcing her shameful identity.

7. Trauma Repetition: Some trauma survivors attempt to repeat the traumatic experience in the hopes of getting a different or better outcome. They repeatedly subject themselves to the same pain, believing that “this time it will be better.” Some survivors relive the traumatic event by becoming the victimizer. Through this they get a sense of power and control, which they were denied as victims. For some the trauma is so strong and familiar that making healthy choices is scarier than living with the trauma. For these people, viewing pornography is a way of reliving their trauma with the hopes of a better/different outcome. Unfortunately, this always fails. It only perpetuates the trauma.

8. Trauma Bonding: Some trauma survivors have a deep need to bond with their victimizer. They may develop relationships with those who can repeat the trauma. Their hope is that through this, true connection and bonding will occur and the pain will finally end. This is why people who have been abused often end up in relationships with abusers.

Ultimately, for the person struggling with a deep trauma wound, pornography and sex become coping mechanisms. When you combine trauma with an attachment wound, you get a person who has absolutely no healthy way to deal with deep wounds internally. Thus, he or she turns to external sources to cope.

To identify any trauma wounds and the impact they are having on your life and relationships, it’s important to be evaluated by a therapist who is trained to treat trauma wounds. (Therapists who are certified to treat sex addiction are trained to treat trauma wounds.)

Reflection

What traumatic events have you endured in your life?

Which coping strategies for trauma have you used?

Guilt and Shame

Many people who are addicted to pornography struggle with deep shame, which can prevent them getting help for their addiction. It’s important to understand the difference between guilt and shame: guilt is good and shame is bad. Guilt focuses on the action, while shame focuses on the person.

Guilt lets us know when we’ve sinned and must atone for it. It is the emotion that says, “Okay, you’ve done something wrong and now you have to fix it.” As Catholics, we know that God gave us a sacrament specifically for this purpose — the Sacrament of Reconciliation or Confession. This is where we can tell God how sorry we are for our sins and receive his forgiveness and the graces we need to amend our lives and avoid the same mistakes in the future. In this sacrament we also receive a penance, which allows us to atone for our sins. This can include making restitution for the loss or damage we’ve caused. Guilt can also lead to healthier relationships with people. As we admit our guilt and take responsibility for making amends, we can enjoy reconciliation with loved ones and strengthen those bonds.

Shame, on the other hand, is the belief that we are terrible people who are unworthy of anyone’s love, especially God’s. Shame focuses on the person, not a specific action, and it makes us want to hide. It’s the emotion that says, “because of what you’ve done, or what someone has done to you, you are a terrible, horrible person. You need to hide, because if anyone ever found out about this, it would destroy you.” This is one of Satan’s most powerful weapons. First, he deceives you. He tells you, “Go ahead. Look at porn. It’ll be fun. No one will know. It’s not that bad.” After viewing pornography, Satan returns to accuse you. He says, “Look at you! You worthless wretch. How can you call yourself a child of God when you do such vile things?” Shame drives us to hide behind a façade that everything is fine in our lives. Really, it forces us to live in fear and isolation, where an addiction can fester and grow.

For women who are addicted to pornography/sex, the shame they feel is exponentially stronger than that experienced by men who are addicted. This is due in part to the expectations of women in our society and in our Church. While men are almost expected to be hypersexual, women are supposed to be pure. A woman can enjoy sex, but only within a committed marital relationship where she remains faithful. A woman who becomes addicted to pornography or sex is obviously stepping outside these boundaries, and this can bring severe consequences and cruel labels. The real or perceived public humiliation can be unbearable, and fear often keeps women from reaching out for help. Many suffer in silence until their addiction is discovered. When this happens, they fear losing their husbands and families. Many even contemplate suicide because of the mental anguish they experience.

Shame is not the way God wants us to feel about ourselves. No matter what you’ve done, God still loves you! He will never reject you. Our worth and dignity are permanently established the moment God creates us. Nothing can change that. Letting go of shame and rejecting Satan’s lies and accusations are necessary for healthy recovery. We need to let go of the shame, come out from behind the façade, and accept our true identity as beloved children of God.

Reflection

How can owning up to your guilt help you in recovery?

How has shame prevented you from getting the help you need?

The Addiction Cycle

Most addicted people and therapists agree that addiction is a disease that traps a person in a vicious cycle. While there are many ways to depict the addiction cycle, I prefer the simple diagram below:

1. While the cycle can begin at any point, I begin here with triggers and danger zones. There are many triggers that can start the addiction cycle. A trigger can be a person, place, thing, or situation. For porn and sexual addictions, some triggers are sexual — for men, perhaps a day at the beach where there are young women in bikinis; for women, a love scene in a book or movie. However, most triggers are non-sexual. They include stress, boredom, loneliness, anger, fatigue, fear, feeling abandoned, guilt, shame, etc. Danger zones are particular times, places, or situations where one is more vulnerable to viewing pornography. These might be after a difficult day at work, late at night, alone in a hotel room, after a heated argument, being alone with the internet, etc.

2. The triggers and danger zones activate the deep emotional and attachment wounds listed above and the trauma and shame associated with them. A person may or may not be aware this is happening.

3. The emotional wounds and their associated shame feed the five faulty core beliefs discussed in chapter 2:

a) I am unworthy of being loved.

b) If people really knew me, they would reject me.

c) I can’t count on anyone, even God, to meet my needs.

d) I must find something that I can control that will meet my needs.

e) Pornography/cybersex is my greatest need and source of comfort.

4. The emotional pain and core beliefs lead to rituals that result in acting out sexually. Rituals refer to the process a person goes through to act out sexually, such as planning to view pornography, viewing pornography, engaging in cybersex, or acting out sexually with other people.

5. After acting out, the person is filled with guilt, shame, and despair. These can also be triggers that lead them back into the addiction cycle.

Progressing through this cycle can take minutes or days. What’s important to realize is that no one ever sets out to become sexually addicted. Because of their deep wounds and the effect pornography has on the brain, men and women find themselves trapped in the addiction. Often it isn’t until they are caught that they are able to get the help they need to break the addiction cycle.

Reflection

What possible triggers can you identify that have led you into viewing pornography?

Which core belief(s) listed above do you most identify with?

What are the rituals or processes you use to act out sexually?

How do you feel after acting out?

It’s Not about Sex

Many people believe that when a man or woman becomes addicted to pornography and/or sex, they are only looking for sex. There are even mental health professionals who don’t believe a person can become addicted to pornography and sex. According to them, some people just have very high libidos. Yet research has shown that pornography and sex can be addictive. Interestingly, research has also shown that those who become addicted to pornography and sex are most often not really looking for sex. Pornography and sex are merely drugs that are used to cope with painful emotions. They make people forget their pain. Much like people turn to alcohol, drugs, or gambling to deal with emotional conflicts, some also turn to pornography and sex.

Thus, when a husband or wife becomes addicted to pornography, they don’t want to replace their spouse with a porn star. They’re not looking for a “younger model.” Even if they commit adultery, it doesn’t mean they want to leave their spouse. They’re simply using pornography and sex as a way to cope with painful emotions. This in no way justifies or excuses their actions, which are objectively wrong. But these are the reasons and the wounds behind those objectively wrong actions.

Reflection

When you were acting out with pornography or another person, what percentage of the time were you looking for sex and what percentage of the time were you seeking an escape?

The Real Need

Ultimately, the real need for men and women addicted to pornography and/or sex is intimacy. In fact, many experts refer to sexual addiction as an intimacy disorder. When people hear the word “intimacy,” they often think of sex. This is because these words are often used synonymously in our society today. However, intimacy is more than just sex; it is the deep connection between two people. It’s experienced physically, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, and spiritually. It’s where two people know each other thoroughly. There are no hidden secrets. They can share anything with each other and feel safe. They can be authentic with each other. To describe this, Mark and Debbie Laaser, in their book Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us, define intimacy as “in-to-me-see.”⁴¹

Many men and women who turn to pornography and sex desperately crave intimacy, but their deep emotional wounds and shame have fed the five faulty core beliefs listed above, which make them fear intimacy. Their wounds and core beliefs prevent them from ever getting close to anyone, and they struggle with deep loneliness. Pornography and sex help anesthetize their pain. The resulting shame keeps them trapped in their addiction and their loneliness, which feeds the cycle of addiction.

Many spouses of pornography addicts question why they couldn’t meet their spouse’s need for intimacy. Because this addiction is fueled by attachment and trauma wounds, and by shame, the intimacy the addict craves is usually from their family-of-origin. A spouse cannot meet the needs that only a parent can meet. In addition, those who become addicted are most often unaware of what they are self-medicating.

Reflection

How have your deep wounds and sexual behaviors prevented you from experiencing intimacy in your marriage?

What other forms of intimacy do you crave? Mother? Father?

If you were to experience true intimacy in your life, what would that look/feel like?

Where Is God?

Because of their tremendous guilt and shame, many men and women who are addicted to pornography and sex believe they are completely unlovable. They expend great amounts of time and energy hiding their behaviors for fear of anyone discovering their addiction. They are convinced that if anyone found out, it would destroy them. Yet while they may be able to hide their addiction from other people, they know they cannot hide it from God. Knowing that God sees everything, these men and women feel an even greater shame before him. While rationally they may know that God loves everyone, emotionally they feel completely unloved by God. Some may even believe that God has abandoned them because they’ve prayed over and over again for God to take away their addiction, but they experience no relief. This pain is often magnified by their deep attachment wounds. They feel like lost orphans whom no one could ever love. While we know that God could never stop loving any of his children, these men and women truly believe that God has stopped loving them. This is an extremely lonely and frightening place to be, and it often drives them deeper into their addiction to escape their feelings of rejection and abandonment by God.

Reflection

Where is God in your life?

Do you believe God loves you? Why or why not?

To Injured Spouses: They Never Meant to Hurt You

While pornography use and sexual infidelity are inexcusable, it’s important for husbands and wives of pornography addicts to understand that their spouse never meant to hurt them. When a person becomes addicted to anything, they lose their free will. The addiction takes over their life. So, when the need for a “fix” arises, the addict has no control over his/her actions. Some have described the attraction to pornography and sex as “an itch that has to be scratched.” This is why they will take great risks to satisfy the craving — for men, viewing pornography at work though it could cost them their job, or risking the loss of their marriage. For women, risking hurting herself, her husband, and her children through an online affair. When they get to this point, they are totally helpless, their lives are out of control.

Many of the men and women who suffer from this addiction hate themselves for their actions, which they know to be wrong but cannot stop. Some even contemplate suicide. They love their spouses deeply and never want to do anything to hurt them, but at the same time they know they are violating their marital vows. Tragically, the chains of addiction and the shame associated with them keep them trapped.

The Need for Recovery

The bottom line here is that women and men who are addicted to pornography and/or sex are deeply wounded. They struggle with a disease called addiction and need treatment. Fortunately, there are effective recovery programs available to help them. The first step is admitting they have a problem and then being willing to seek the help they need. They need to take responsibility for their sinful behaviors and their addiction. They must accept any consequences and be committed to doing whatever it takes to overcome their addiction and restore their marriages. In the next chapter, I outline what the recovery process looks like for people who are addicted, highlighting some key differences between the recovery process for women and the process for men.

The injured spouse can be a source of love, compassion, and moral support throughout the recovery process. They can encourage their addicted spouse to persevere in recovery, especially when the process is difficult. They can help their spouse understand that no matter what they’ve done, or what has happened to them in their lives, they are still loveable. Husbands and wives who are addicted to pornography need to know that God and their spouses still love them.

Helping an addicted spouse into recovery may require an ultimatum from the injured spouse. This requires clearly stating that if they want to continue being married, they will need to enter a recovery program. If they choose not to, there will be consequences, such as separation or divorce. While this can be very difficult to do, there are times when tough love is needed to help an addicted person.⁴²