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2 Invite Feedback from Others and Don’t Take It Personally; Instead, Take Ownership

Don’t take anything personally.” This is the second of the Four Agreements—from the book The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz—that I try hard to live by. Ruiz writes that we should not take what happens around us personally because the actions of others have nothing to do with you, but rather are about them.

Although I do believe this, I also believe it does not mean we shouldn’t listen to and learn from others. I recall a time when a CEO said to me that one of the senior executives had taken the low employee satisfaction results in their area personally and that she advised him not to do so. My response was they should take the results personally for those areas they lead. This appears confusing when considered alongside Ruiz’s words.

In thinking about this paradox, I have some thoughts and suggestions:

How can we interpret results or feedback in such a way that we don’t take it personally but that we learn and grow from it? Our first thought must be that the sender of the message is not trying to be hurtful but helpful. As discussed in Chapter 1, the two most vital characteristics in personal growth are self-awareness and coachability. Feedback that creates self-awareness is meant to be helpful. Having an outside perspective is valuable; remember, an artist can draw someone else better than they can draw themselves.

When we take something personally in the way that Ruiz writes about it, it can lead to unhealthy emotions, such as anger and resentment. These emotions can lead to actions that prevent one from performing a self-inventory and create situations that are unhealthy for everyone. Yes, it may feel good for a brief moment to vent, gossip, and get revenge, but rarely do these responses lead to a productive outcome.

I tend to divide people’s reactions into two categories: taking it personally or taking ownership of it. The two are similar in some ways but create vastly different actions. The senior executive needs to take ownership of the poor results. What isn’t helpful is blaming yourself, or beating yourself up without improving, or being upset to the point that it delays or prevents you from taking positive steps forward.

Here are a few suggestions to help you move past taking feedback personally.

1 Do a self-assessment. Is the feedback accurate? If not, is some of it right? If possible, try to find an objective measurement. Be honest with yourself. The goal is progress, not perfection.

2 If you’re not sure the feedback is accurate, find someone you trust and ask them to provide a second opinion. This can be a mentor, close colleague, friend, or family member.

3 Consider where the person is coming from, their motivation, and their emotional state. Senders can have issues. An angry person may lash out, a jealous person may say negative things, etc. Take in what fits and leave the rest behind. Sadly, people can be very mean-spirited and attempt to be hurtful. By being self-aware, with the help of others, this becomes easier and easier. However, it sure is difficult at times.

 If a person is giving you negative feedback because of a past interaction with you, be aware of it but don’t accept responsibility for their reaction. An example is when you hear a person say things like, “You made me angry,” “You made me cry,” “You made me make a mistake,” “You made me happy.” While we need to take ownership of our own actions, the other person must own their responses, both positive and negative.

1 Be kind to yourself. We are all human beings. Of course, when we read or hear something about ourselves or others we care about, we will be hurt. This is normal, but try to put it in perspective and look at it as an opportunity to practice forgiveness, self-care, and hopefully the pursuit of personal growth. Don’t beat yourself up or take unhealthy actions that might make the situation worse.

Make sure you’re allowing people to give you feedback. I often find that leaders do not receive helpful feedback because of how they’ve handled it in the past. If we have reacted with silent hurt or anger, people will be reluctant to provide it again. Let the person know you will appreciate their feedback and can handle it.

Great leaders create cultures that encourage people to give feedback. Adam Grant, a Harvard professor who wrote the fantastic book The Originals, identified some organizations and leaders who are very successful. A common theme I noticed was that these high-performing companies had a top leader who was not only open to feedback (even when they were not in agreement), but also installed systems and behavior that created a culture where all feedback was rewarded.

This is not easy to do. Even when a leader says, “I want your feedback,” many reports, due to past bad experiences, are reluctant to provide it. Some people were raised not to challenge someone in front of others and not to challenge someone in a higher position at all. In other cases, a report might say what a leader wants to hear in hopes of getting rewarded.

Creating a feedback-welcoming environment requires a leader willing to deflate their ego and be a good student. Here are a few simple tips that may help:

 When someone gives you feedback in private, thank them and then ask them to bring it up in a meeting or some other public setting. When they do, thank them again, and do one better: change your position based on their feedback. This will send the message that you are open to feedback.

 Ask questions. Make it very clear to those around you that you need, expect, and will appreciate their help. Use words like “Please let me know what I am missing” or “If you were going to punch holes in this and/or identify areas of concern, what would they be?” or “If you were in my position what would you be doing differently?” The key is to communicate that you are open and you need their help.

 Play devil’s advocate once in a while. Take a position you know has flaws and see who steps up. If someone does, thank them and recognize the value of doing so. If not, discuss the danger of groupthink and ask what steps you can take to create a safe environment for feedback. Also, apologize for not having done so in the past and reiterate that you are committed to this in the future.

 Use a survey tool to encourage people to give anonymous feedback. While we would love it if people felt safe to express themselves right off the bat, it takes time to create this kind of environment. The use of surveys where people can respond anonymously can be very valuable. At our companies, we conduct an employee engagement survey each year in part to make sure our leaders are creating this kind of environment for their employees.

 If you feel yourself getting emotional, hit the pause button. The more accustomed you get to receiving honest feedback, the less likely you are to take it personally. Yet we are all human, and there will be times when we do feel hurt or angry. When this happens, the best tool is the pause button. A bit of time can make the difference between responding well and responding in a way that can make things worse. I have seldom regretted pausing. I have often regretted not doing so.

Becoming a leader who can accept feedback graciously and learn and grow from it is easier said than done. However, for you to be the best leader you can be—and for your organization to be the best it can be—it’s critical.

Taking Ownership: Eliminating Excuses

Being open to feedback is only half the battle. What matters more is what you do once a problem is pointed out to you. When we hear or discover things that we could have done better, often our first instinct is to get defensive and explain away the problem or rationalize why we made that decision. We often blame external circumstances or things outside of our control. All of this shifts responsibility away from us.

We often say things like, How was I supposed to know? There’s nothing I could have done. I was overwhelmed with other stuff. I would have, but . . . Or, and most importantly, look out for It’s not my fault.

These are all pretty common responses. Try to avoid these phrases (and others that shift responsibility). They aren’t productive, they don’t solve the problem, and they can actually be damaging in the long run. This reaction makes you seem unreliable. If you are constantly making excuses for not meeting deadlines or delivering results, it makes people feel like they can’t count on you, and that hurts your credibility and career long term. It makes good people avoid working with you, as they will avoid putting themselves in a position where their success depends on you. It keeps you from fixing the real problems. When you don’t see it as your fault, you probably won’t make any changes, so the problem will likely happen again.

Adopt a zero-tolerance policy for excuse making for yourself and don’t allow it from others. This means committing to yourself, your leaders, and everyone in the organization that you will do what it takes to get better, and take ownership of creating better outcomes in the future. This is just another way of saying that you are dedicated to doing your best work at all times, and you are focused on maximizing your impact.

When you approach your work with this mind-set, you are more likely to think creatively about how you might solve a problem or find an innovative work-around instead of waiting on someone or something else to make the difference. When you seek to avoid making excuses, you naturally start to think about how you can do your job better. You start to anticipate future problems, and take responsibility for outcomes. All of this will help you and your organization be more successful.

Committing to “No Excuses” doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. Mistakes will happen from time to time, and are sometimes unavoidable. The difference is that you don’t fall back on excuse making or avoid holding yourself accountable for improving. Instead, you actively think ahead and anticipate problems and avoid them if you can. When mistakes do happen, you take responsibility and commit to finding a way to make sure they don’t happen again in the future.

When you feel yourself starting to get defensive or make an excuse, take a second to ask yourself, Should I have seen this coming? Is there any way I could have acted differently to keep this from happening, even if no one told me to do so? If the answer is yes, you have to own the mistake and commit to doing better moving forward.