Читать книгу Letters from a Better Me - Rachael Wolff - Страница 13

For the women who had their boundaries crossed by a man…

Dear Women,

Have you ever just disliked a guy? You don’t appreciate anything he represents. He’s the type to shove his politics in your face, degrade women, push alcohol, and act as though he should be on some kind of manly pedestal.

Well, I’d been uncomfortable around this one guy for a long time. I was only around him because his wife and I were friends. My stomach would tighten up anytime he came in the room. I can be friendly with most people, but there was something about the way he talked that triggered a visceral reaction in me. My fists involuntarily clenched.

I really tried to be friendly and see the best in this man. I honestly couldn’t get in a conversation with him without feeling this rage build up inside me. I would ask questions, and he would dig himself in deeper. He didn’t want to hear that what he was saying had no merit. I had to walk out of the room when he was talking on multiple occasions. Those times when he would get on the he-knows-everything pedestal, I would instantly have somewhere else to be.

At a gathering one night, after he had been obviously drinking way too much, he saw me and came over. I did my standard one-arm reserved hug, and he pulled me in to lick around my ear. I didn’t know how to react beyond my incensed internal, ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? I would love to say I cold-cocked him, but my body froze. I just tried to act as normal as I could and get away from him. I abruptly left the house. Why couldn’t I at least call this man out? I left and went right to a friend’s house, so disgusted by what had just happened.

At first, I didn’t know if I should say anything about the incident to anybody. I went to a place of shame, like maybe I did something wrong. I found myself questioning my dress, my hug, and my overall presence. I can’t tell you how many times I didn’t say anything when a man made inappropriate comments or gestures toward me. I didn’t want to embarrass them. Why am I worried about embarrassing them when they obviously have no regard for what I feel? They could give two shits if I’m triggered to relive a rape or former abuse. They aren’t even seeing me as a fellow human being. In their eyes, I’m smaller than them. Rage fills me just thinking about all of them.

I would shake every time I thought of his tongue touching my face. I didn’t know what to do. I did not ever want to be in the same room as that man again. I couldn’t imagine having to listen to one more line coming from his disgusting mouth. I knew I was going to have to deal with it and talk to his wife, but I had no intention of speaking another word to him. I figured he would probably be too drunk to remember. If he didn’t remember, it didn’t happen, right? I’ve known way too many men who think that, just because they don’t “remember,” we, the victims, shouldn’t feel violated. Ugh, I just threw up in my mouth.

Why are men so scared of women not being under their control? Wait, there I go again, writing “men,” like it’s ALL men. No, it’s not all men. In fact, is it really about men at all? What the hell is going on? Why do some people feel so superior to others that it justifies hate language, sexual harassment, and not taking any responsibility for their actions?

A Disgusted Me

For women who have put up with unacceptable behavior…

Dear Whoever,

I just heard another story about a woman being treated like a lesser human being in the workplace. How are men getting away with this shit? How have we become so blinded that we keep letting these power-hungry men treat women like they are objects brought here for their amusement? Is this really happening? Why do we have to worry about being taken the wrong way by doing our jobs?

Does a man think that, just because he has a lot of power, he can do what he wants? All this takes me back to my early twenties, when powerful men tried to make me feel as though I had to sleep my way up the ladder if I wanted to get to the top. I remember feeling so alone while it was happening to me. I felt ashamed to tell anyone. I was made to think that somehow it was my fault that they made passes at me. “If I wasn’t so…” Fill in the blank; I’ve heard it.

I’m physically hurting inside, hearing all these stories. I feel the rage festering in my stomach and burning through my limbs. This is not right! How could so many people turn a blind eye to this type of behavior? How have we made it okay and acceptable?

I can’t believe this is still happening. How did we get here?

A Traumatized Me

Are You Kidding Me?

Our unguarded truthful reaction about the craziness we see in humanity

When we have that sort of thought, it’s the call to awareness about what is really going on in our heads. All the anger, frustration, fear, and rage go on alert and make us question our beliefs about humanity itself. We go on judgmental rampages and spew harsh views to anyone who will listen, thinking we are standing up for our gender and making a statement. Fist raised, we fight against. “Are you kidding me?” translates to: Watch out, world, you are about to feel my wrath. Who knows what will arise from the depths?

Life has an interesting way of showing us how much progress we’ve made. When we have these kinds of “I’m giving you a piece of my mind!” reactions that make us question our own humanity, we still have a lot of work to do in our innermost depths. Why? It’s an unconscious reaction. We show our rage and anger, but we won’t show our peace and humanity. We are not going to make the best world-changing decisions in this space. Fighting against the problem won’t solve the problem. When we react like this, we are ready for war. We are not at peace, because we aren’t peaceful within ourselves. We haven’t had a chance to question our own thoughts and beliefs, let alone consider the perspective of anyone we disagree with.

As women, we in some way have contributed to our lack of value in the world. We need to see the truth about where this anger is coming from.

•How are our feelings, thoughts, perspectives of truth, and actions affecting our reality?

•How are others affecting our inner and outer world?

Women are experiencing a lot of collective pain right now. Some may consider this a bad thing, but I see it as an awakening. It’s women’s time to rise. The flame has been lit. We are struggling to find our footing in this awakening of women’s spirits. There needs to be a point where we transition from the victim role to #IKnowMyWorth. The time is now!

For women who have felt slighted by opportunities and pay…

Dear Outraged Women,

How the hell did we get here? I’m infuriated at how judgmental companies can be just knowing the applicant is a woman. It’s looking more and more like we need to do blind resumes, interviews, and testing to get out of our judgmental ways in the workplace. Why is pay different for a man versus a woman? Minority women are getting paid less than white women for the same jobs with the same qualifications. Resumes can be flagged based on the name at the top as “read” or “don’t read.” This is absurd! Our racism and sexism show so much in the workplace.

Why is this happening? We need more feminine energy out there, no matter what nationality we are! How can a company see from all angles if it doesn’t represent all angles in its hiring process? A company that can capture female and male strengths will have more to offer, but instead they just suppress the woman’s voice by showing her she’s not as appreciated, her education and experience doesn’t matter, and that her strengths aren’t as important as a man’s. Do these companies think we can’t be as productive as a man because we can/do bear children?

Some arguments are made that women aren’t applying for the best jobs. Then the question is, why aren’t they applying? Are they advertising in publications women read? Is their marketing aimed more toward men? What are they doing to support equal rights for women? When women do apply, there must be a way to ensure equal consideration and pay. We are not that stupid! Business owners need to rise up and come up with pay for a job, man or woman, minority or Caucasian, regardless. The pay is the pay!! It’s not right that a woman has to prove herself so much more to close the gap in pay. My friend was just told she couldn’t get a raise because she capped out, but a man doing the same job with fewer qualifications is making more than she is. How the hell could she be capped out if she is making less than a male at the same management level? THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY!! She won the company awards and he lost them some big customers, yeah, he fucking deserves to be paid more… WHAT THE HELL!

This is an outrage! I can’t believe we are really still here! If I’m just as qualified to have the job, then I should have an equal opportunity to get it and to prosper in the same way as my male counterpart. The gaps are so ridiculous. How are companies and men still getting away with this?

An Outraged Me

For women who feel household expectations are way off…

Dear Household Partner,

I don’t know who assigned the household rules, but I have some serious bones to pick. If two parents are working full-time, why, in many cases, are women still the ones expected to handle childcare, cooking, and cleaning? How the hell are we still here? Here, honey, you go have a drink and decompress in the living room while I do the homework with the kids, make dinner, and figure out how to get to baseball by six and dance by six thirty. But hey, you enjoy your relaxation time; you need it!

Oh wait, let me do the dishes after I make dinner. You go play with the kids or watch TV. Then give them to me when it’s time for their baths and getting ready for bed. Wait, I still have the house to clean after your play session. Oh, you want another beer? Are we living in the era of the 1950s perfect-family stay-at-home-mom TV shows? Well, I’m not staying at home. I’m working too. There needs to be equal responsibilities in the household. If you are sitting around, it should be because we are both done doing everything we need to do and we get to relax together, or both enjoy our own time as individuals.

Oh, now that I’ve been going nonstop since five thirty this morning, you want to have sex. If you wanted sex, you should have cooked dinner while I helped with homework. Got the kids bathed and ready for bed while I did the dishes, since you made dinner. I don’t have a partner, so I can be stuck doing everything. I chose having a partner because I thought we were in this together. I didn’t want someone who was just going to sit and watch me do all the work and then say, “You didn’t tell me you needed help.” REALLY???

If you had that attitude at work, you would be fired. Give me a break! I’m so sick of being exhausted all the time. Sometimes I look at my friends who are single moms, and I wonder how much harder that really is, if I’m doing everything already. I didn’t sign up for this. How can you not see that it’s wrong for you to be relaxing if I’m still working to get the kids and you taken care of? How can you not see the picture enough to take the reins and do something to help? Make a fucking chart if you need to, but don’t be sitting around doing your own personal stuff while I’m busting my ass. I want to relax and do personal stuff too.

A Fed-Up Me