Читать книгу How to Win at Feminism: The Definitive Guide to Having It All... And Then Some! - Reductress - Страница 4
ОглавлениеWHAT IS FEMINISM AND WHY AM I THAT NOW?
A lot of people think that feminism just appeared out of nowhere, but it actually took a lot of strong women (and men!)* to get us to the point of complete and total gender equality. But this year, we finally did it! We won feminism. And although we have to thank the brave souls who paved the way for us, we mostly want to thank ourselves—Reductress, your favorite women’s magazine—for doing it better than everybody else. Now that we, the media, have broken down barriers and made feminism safe for the masses, it’s time for you to get on board, girl!
So how did we win feminism? By championing the greatest feminist works of our generation—empowering pop songs, feminist music videos, inspiring advertising, and shows with the word “girls” in the title. Every move we’ve made—every tearful show recap, every tearful concert viewing, every tearful Instagram scroll—has been decidedly pro-women!
Don’t believe that we won? The evidence is clear. You can see it in every living, breathing woman around you. You can see it in her shining hair, her flawless skin, and her belief in herself and her appearance. She knows that the female body is not something to be ashamed of; it’s something to be fiercely honored—and moisturized daily.
But now that we’ve caused feminism to have its moment, we’d like to take the time to tell you how to be feminist in book form! Why? Because you’ve already met the criteria for being a better feminist than everyone else: you’re a woman,* you can read,** and you buy things. The rest of feminism is a piece of cake.
Still confused about feminism? It’s actually very simple. The first rule of feminism is to Get it, girl, but first we must get to know the ladies who paved the way and got it before you.
You probably didn’t know this, but feminists have been around since before “feminism” was even a twinkle in Rosie’s rivets. Women had “Girl Power” before the Spice Girls ever gave it a name. Learning about these brave women*** can inspire us to keep on fighting for what they never had. Think about it. Our great-grandmas couldn’t even vote or wear pants. Could you imagine living in a world where you couldn’t vote or wear pants? You couldn’t even vote to wear pants—because you couldn’t vote. That’s just how bad it was, pants-wise, before feminism.
And Grandma? You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff she wasn’t able to do. She probably can’t do much now either. Anyway, while Grampa was out getting day-drunk and smoking the cigars he stole off dead Germans, Grandma was staying at home raising your mom, who was a baby, and having lots of other babies as well. You think 77 cents on the dollar is bad? Try getting paid in babies!
See how much progress we’ve made already? Okay, history lesson almost complete.
So your mom—sorry, we know you guys aren’t talking right now and don’t want to make it weird, but hear us out. Mom was probably working while you were growing up, looking for a crack in that glass ceiling, so you could break it with your sweet new position as a social-media marketing manager! Without Mom (sorry, this is the last mention, we promise; we know she was never around for you emotionally and you deserve to tell her how you feel), and without her brave and creative use of shoulder pads, you wouldn’t be where you are now. So thanks, Mom! (Sorry!!!!!)
Today, plenty of women are walking around being feminist left and right like it’s no big deal, and they don’t even know it.**** Our duty is to vlog, pin, and tweet about feminism as much as we can until every woman—male or female—is touched by the angel of feminism.
In order for you to understand the feminism of today, let’s take a step back and look at a brief history of feminism from the beginning.
OFFICIAL TIMELINE OF FEMINISM
So there you have it. We’ve come a long way, but we have so much more to do before the metaphorical V is truly equal to the metaphorical D. ’Cause let’s face it: the literal V is absolutely nothing like the literal D! Here’s why.
DICK VS. VAGINA
| DICK | VAGINA |
| Has three smells: washed, unwashed, cursed | Has at least 27 different smells |
| Is usually 3 to 7 inches | Is usually 0 inches because it’s a hole |
| Increase in size valued societally | Increased width over time not valued societally |
| Definitely ejaculates | Does not ejaculate, no matter what Karen keeps saying |
| Goes in holes | Is a hole |
Even though we’re no longer smoking two packs a day and sneaking Schnapps to survive a lifetime of housewifery, we still have so much more to do to improve the world for women. From day to night to the morning-after pill, feminism is a work in progress, and you have the power to shape it—with the help of us, a women’s magazine that is now also a book!*
With the right tools and a dependable moisturizing routine, you too can be a beautiful, strong feminist. Heck, you probably are right now and don’t even know it! But you better read this book just to make sure, because there are a lot of things you are probably doing wrong. It’s okay, girlfriend! Nobody’s perfect.**
We’re so glad you’ve decided to join us on this feminist journey through the femwilderness as we reach toward the white light of femquality. Do bring sunscreen. Do bring a bottle of water and a high-protein snack. But please do not bring Jen. We don’t have time to listen to her shit right now. Now let us embark upon our odyssey through womanity!
You may have heard some ladies refer to feminisms, as in, “There is more than one type of feminism.” And they’re right! Feminism is multifaceted, with women of many different backgrounds and privileges working together for equality. Although there are several types of feminists, most feminists fall into one of two camps: Beyoncé and Taylor Swift. Your journey begins with one core decision, a decision you cannot undo once it is made; once you decide to be feminist, you need to know which of these two feminists you’re going to be. To help you decide, here are some definitions we pulled straight from a book (it’s our book; we wrote it).
TAYLOR VS. BEYONCÉ
| TAYLOR SWIFT FEMINISM | BEYONCÉ FEMINISM |
| Doesn’t kiss and tell; is very pretty, with symmetrical features and a flawless upper midriff; always caters to the little people, and is never seen in public without a bold red lip.Is heavily influenced by the early Lena Dunham feminists; takes a strong feminist stance by talking mostly about dating and heartbreak.TSFs devote significant amounts of time to decorating themselves with pretty girlfriends in order to show that they support other women. | Supports the unadulterated liberation of women from men while also embracing their sexuality, while also embracing marriage, while also embracing taking their husband’s last name, while also embracing having sex in a bathtub.* Hey, we never said feminism wasn’t complicated!Bey Fems have no problem admitting they are feminist and display their political aims via impeccable and luscious thighs as well as big glowing signs that say “FEMINIST.” |
Which kind of feminist are you? Write it in the comments! Oh, there’s no comments section in this book? Well, we’re still learning how this whole book thing works. Okay, just write it down on a piece of paper, attach it to a dove, and say your wish three times as you release the dove into the world. That way, you will for sure become a feminist! Good luck!
Plinky the Fairy Witch
Luck you’ll need, yes, luck times three.
You’ll need pluck and you’ll need me!
I’m Plinky the Fairy Witch, enchanté!
I guide new feminists on their way!
So follow me, child, and hear my spell.
I’ll guide you through book club, and potlucks, and hell.
For stresses will stress, and pressure will presh,
When you’re a “FEMINIST” with a capital F!
Tee hee! Too hoo!
Follow me, little you!
I once robbed a bank in Kalamazoo!
DISCLAIMER
Plinky is a second-wave feminist fairy who was trapped in a tampon dispenser at Lilith Fair for twenty years. We think she’s making that bank-robbery thing up, because she doesn’t seem like the type. There is a chance that she’s a dangerous radical, but for our purposes please try to ignore that. She has a lot of great things to say aside from the crime stuff, which, again, is probably not true. Just FYI!
