Читать книгу How to Win at Feminism: The Definitive Guide to Having It All... And Then Some! - Reductress - Страница 8

A FEMINIST INVOCATION OF

“Real” Women

We are the women of Dove®.

We are real.

The women who soar so high on beautiful batwings of arm fat.

We are realer than those skinny bitches.

Because, actually, men like thick women.

Not that this is about men. This is about us loving ourselves.

We dance in our underwear, big bulky undies.

Flying our white grannies as flags of realness.

Plus-size,

Us-size.

Ain’t I a woman,

Who can pose with her other curvy friends, laughing in underwear?

Just ’cause I’m big doesn’t mean my skin doesn’t need moisture.

We have real thighs, real bellies,

Pussies that don’t quit, even in a sandstorm.

We slap on that lotion, together, frenzied, happy, laughing.

Oh my goddess, are we women.

Real beauty.

Real women.

(Not actors.)

THE LOOK OF A FEMINIST IS FEELING BEAUTIFUL FROM WITHIN

It’s what’s on the inside that counts. And what’s inside should be a treasure trove of self-love for your outside.

For generations, a woman’s worth was based entirely on how she looked. Only one type of body was acceptable, and if you didn’t have the goods, you were doomed to a life of spinning wool and conversing with a cornhusk doll in ill-fitting, unflattering clothes. This was a dark time for women—literally, because many of these women were not encouraged to leave the house. These women were also rarely encouraged to moisturize, because society did not deem them worthy of the cause.

That’s right, being deserving of moisturizer is a cause. A worthy one.^*

How did we get to where we are today? Before the inspiring, affirming advertising that celebrates women’s bodies, women struggled to love themselves on the inside and out. Faced with a world dominated by advertising designed to keep them down, women were forced to believe that their outsides were not good enough and that they could only cherish things like their “personality” or their “soul.” Fortunately, feminism has caused a revolution, giving us the products and feel-good social experiment videos that let us love our bodies just the way they are!^**

Thanks to the brave marketing wizards of today, we now know that women come in all shapes and sizes and require unique body-affirming products to suit their needs. The current wave of feminism encourages us to embrace our looks, no matter how we look, as the best and only way to become a better person. Some feminists are calling themselves “contour feminists.”^*** Contour feminism focuses on highlighting the good parts of oneself and darkening the bad bits. This way, you can feel like a good feminist while also looking like one.

Contour feminism^**** says that you can make up for any shortcomings as long as you’re able to work it and be real. And let’s be real—you can’t do that without killer heels and a bold lip. So if you have a gap-toothed smile—that’s okay! You just have to know how to work those pearly whites,^* girl. And if you have hips, or thighs, or even freckles, that’s okay too! You’re alterna-hot and there’s a whole porn category subset of guys that are into you! Wow! And of course, there’s an exfoliating body wash designed exactly for your weirdo bod. Aww!

#Yesallwomen need to feel beautiful—and use a good exfoliating body wash.

You are beautiful—you just don’t know it yet. The best way to become a feminist is to recognize and own your beauty. If you’re beautiful and you know it, clap your hands—you’re a feminist!

One of our greatest causes as feminists is to let women know they are beautiful and therefore worthy of all the things men have.^** That’s why it was important for us to redefine beauty on our own terms (and rediscover it in the most unsuspecting of beauty products), so that everyone can finally, truly feel beautiful and know it—even lesbians!^*** One of the best ways to feel beautiful is to look beautiful, and you can’t do that without a strict moisturizing regimen. What better way to celebrate your curves than to rub lotion onto each and every one of them?

Beauty routines (especially skin care) help women realize how beautiful they are.

Caress those curves. Fondle the folds. Your skin is beautiful! Because it’s supple and smooth now, just like a thin person’s skin, even though it’s not that. It’s better. Feminism has many looks. But the most important look is how you feel on the inside.

Knowing you’re beautiful is the first step to letting everyone else know they’re beautiful too. This is our solemn duty, and one of the keys to winning feminism. Winners never quit, and neither do their bodies or their own affirmations of their bodies. Now get out on the field (or on your social-media platform of choice) and start telling everyone that they’re beautiful too.

FEMINIST SKIN CARE

Being a feminist doesn’t mean you can let your skin go to hell! You’re now the face of a movement, so you better make sure that face looks amazing. After all, when you wear your “This is what a feminist looks like” T-shirt, you don’t want people to think, “Oh, I see. Feminists look tired.”

Show the world your best self by consistently sticking to two skin-care routines, one for daytime and one for nighttime. The morning routine is simple, gentle, and natural, giving you the glow you need to start your day. The evening routine, on the other hand, gives you the preserved look of an ageless trophy wife with the use of harsh chemicals, industrial-strength sandblasters, and demonic texts you can somehow read.

Here’s the scoop on skin!

IN THE AM:

When you wake, give thanks. Another day has been gifted to you and your combination/oily skin. The best way to approach morning skin care is to think natural. No harsh chemicals, no punishing scrubs, just the earth-based goodness women have trusted for centuries. Here’s a basic guide to rising and shining, without that shine showing up on your T-zone:

Fill a basin with hot water from your favorite kettle, perhaps the one you inherited from your beloved grandmother.

While leaning comfortably over the basin, drape a soft linen towel over your head so that it covers the entire tub.

Let the steam gently open your pores. Breathe deeply. Feel deeply.

Visualize a positive, happy, balanced day. Visualize a luna moth alighting upon two lovers in a twilit dell. Visualize yourself with perfect skin. Wait five minutes, or until you run out of things to visualize.

In a small mixing bowl, combine the juice from half a lemon, a nice squeeze of honey, a wandering of coconut oil, and a “voilà!” of overripe banana. Mash together with your fingers, which look just like Grandma Lidia’s fingers in that photograph of her wedding day. She was so young then. So beautiful.

Apply the mask to your face for ten minutes, or as long as it takes for the mask to bring back a memory from when you were in utero.

Once the memory plays out, slap the mask off your face with cold, wet hands, just like Grandma Lidia did to herself every morning. She told everyone she was twenty-eight well into her seventies, and they believed her!

Roll on a thin layer of olive oil. We know what you’re thinking: “Oil on my face?! But won’t I break out?!?” Well, you will with that attitude! Your pores will self-regulate throughout the day if you keep a bounce in your step and a song in your heart.

Apply a light facial sunscreen with SPF 30 or above. We love Happy Baby’s Sun Baby Moisture for Babies (Target, $49.99).

And of course no morning routine is complete without a smile! Don’t worry about the lines—joy is a natural anti-ager! You’re finally ready to face the day.

IN THE PM:

Darkness has fallen across the land, and you’re back in your home, exhausted, bloated, and covered in pollutants. Close the blinds. Lock the doors. Put all your Wi-Fi devices on airplane mode. It’s go time. You can finally summon dark forces to effectively freeze your face in time, all under the cover of night. Here’s how:

Fill a rectangular aluminum container with research-grade liquid nitrogen. Dip your face into it repeatedly until you can’t remember who you are anymore. That’s good.

Using steel grit you bought from an industrial supplier with a fake name, blast your cheeks, chin, and forehead. You’ll know you’re done with this step when you start leaking lymph.

Reach under your kitchen sink, grab whatever cleaning agents are there, and spray them all over your face. Bonus points if you accidently create chlorine gas—it’s a real bloat-buster!

Let the chemicals sit until your bones start to show or until the screaming stops. Whose screams are those? Are they your screams?

Punch yourself in the face. Your cheekbones betrayed you.

Stumble downtown to the dumpster behind Sephora. Dive in. Swim around until the creams and serums penetrate your skull.

Back at home, take the syringes of “Botox” that you bought on the Darknet out of the freezer.

Follow the misspelled instructions as best you can, considering your eyelids are rigidly trying to snap shut behind your eyeballs. That means it’s working!

Light your whole goddamned head on fire. Fuck you. Fuck. You.

Grandma Lidia’s in hell now.

Unspool one of the ancient scrolls you found in that box by the lake. Read the words. How can you read these words?

Once the demons are gone, pack your face in gauze. Wait four clicks of a scorpion’s pincer. Remove the gauze.

Stare at the unholy goddess before you. No one can ever know what happened here.

Splash your face with cold water!

THESE MALE POP STARS THINK YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IT

If you don’t know you’re beautiful yet, here are some things that our favorite male feminists and/or pop musicians have said about you.