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A FEMINIST INVOCATION OF
Beyoncé
Repeat the following out loud, whenever you’re in need of wombspiration, whether you’re getting catcalled on the street or about to undertake a spiritually exhausting day of shopping.
We are the hands of the Goddess, Beyoncé,
And to her we offer to put our hands up.
We are the booties of the Goddess,
And to her we offer up cake by the pound.
We are the moufs of the Goddess, Bae,
And to her we offer cigars on ice.
The patriarchy:
How the hell did this shit happen?
Oh, babeh.
Let us find strength
In this kitchen half-naked.
In her name we make the world ready
For this jelly.
HOW TO FEMSPLAIN FEMINISM TO YOUR FRIENDS
Feminism is all about us women having each other’s backs, but it’s also about setting an example for those who may not be as enlightened as yourself. After all, you’re not really a feminist unless you’re sharing a slice of feminism with all your gal pals and raising them up to your level.* Since a rising tide lifts all boats, it’s up to you to gath-her your friends together for gal-therings from time to time, braid their hair into cute feminist plaits, and empower them with the feminist discussions and tools they need in order to know that you already know more than they do. That’s what feminism is all about!
You may have heard the term “mansplaining,” which is when men explain things you already know in a condescending way. Now, when we need to explain important feminist concepts like brow shaping to women (who should probably already know them by now), we “femsplain.” Femsplaining allows us to empower ourselves and other women at the same time, while throwing just a teensy bit of shade their way for being so basic. It’s a very important part of the work we do!
When you femsplain feminism to your friends, make sure you don’t femsplain what’s wrong with other women;** rather, femsplain what’s right about you.*** If other women come across as lesser feminists as a result, then so be it. It’s in your power to feminspire women to be good feminists—almost, but never quite as good as you. Here’s how.
Feminvite them over.
A good invite is fun and playful while also conveying the importance of the gal-thering. Use some empowering phrases to get friends excited for the event, like, “We have got to get our gal on!” Give the night a fun and funky title like “Lisa’s Lady Bash” or “Wear Your Stretchy Jeans!” And always, always mention there will be booze. Drinking propels feminist discussion, so pick up your fave bottle of alc-her-hol and get ready to partake in the discourse.
Put on some fempowering music and talk about your bodies.
When your friends arrive, start slow by playing some early Beyoncé and then pass out some homemade probiotic yogurt. This will help get them comfortable and set the mood before you dish out that feminist knowledge. Before they know it, you’ll be telling them how “real” their bodies are and how beautiful their curves look. In the 1960s, this type of group discussion was called “consciousness raising,” but for our modern-day purposes we’d rather call it “woking up like this” because it just sounds better.
Anyway, have your friends sit in a circle and repeat the phrase “I woke up like this” until they start to believe it. Once they start nodding, smiling, and taking their first shaky yet empowered selfies, you’ll know they’re ready to absorb the lessons that they were not permitting themselves to take in before you came into their life and allowed them to be who they already are.
Literally bake a feminist cake and dish it out to your femfriends.
Baking is fun and a great way to show friends you feel strongly about something (think birthdays, bake-sale fund-raisers). A chocolate cake says, “This cake is for women. Women love chocolate. I feel strongly about that.”
If your friends are watching their waistlines and refuse your feminist cake, go ahead and put on your “Fempowerment” playlist. Right as that old Meghan Trainor song comes on, tell them how much “real women” eat cake these days and then reoffer the cake. Do not let them leave without eating some cake. This is an important step.
Before you know it they’ll be, like, “How do I get this recipe? This dish is so good!” This will allow you to discuss the ins and outs of modern feminism and explain, “Actually, this cake was baked by a man. The man.” That’s where this book comes in. Pass around copies of the book as feminist party favors and get that party started.
Distribute this femiglossary.
When you’re part of a movement, particularly a movement that involves women, it’s important to have a shared language to discuss your collective experiences and goals as well as common cultural reference points to empower each other with and shout supportively at each other during hard workouts. Whether you’re complaining about an uncomfortable bra or petitioning Sony Pictures for more movies with erotic male dancers, expand your her-cabulary and teach your friends about feminism by sprinkling your language with the following terms.
FEMIGLOSSARY
ADVISE-HER: Your role as a feminist, should you choose to take it. From now on, you’ll be advising your female friends at every turn. Think of yourself as a life coach and image consultant combined!
ALC-HER-HOL: The most important ingredient for any feminist gal-thering. Example: “Did you bring the alc-her-hol?” “What?”
BEYONCÉ: The first feminist.
BEYSCIPLE: A young feminist in training. She can only wake up like this from a nap.
People will listen to almost anything if you can do a solid braid!
CONSCIOUSNESS BRAIDING: Braiding a fellow feminist’s hair and raising her up through a sleek and fashionable coif. Such a hairstyle should make her feel sexy, but also allow her to operate machinery or perform surgery, just like a man would.
FEMHIVE: The army of feminists on the Internet, with an arsenal of hashtags at their disposal. Example: “Some troll is body-shaming Dana’s DIY anal bleaching vlog! #Release the #femhive! #Yesallfemhives.”
FEMINISMGASM: A feminist orgasm; can be physical or political. Example: “Paul went down on me while we watched a YouTube video of a Michelle Obama commencement speech, which gave me my strongest feminismgasm ever!”
FEMINISTIFY: To be a feminist while also being sexy and beguiling.
GAL-FIRMATION: An affirmation you give yourself when you look in the mirror in the morning that helps you tackle your day as a woman. Examples: “At the end of this day is a bottle of wine.” “We can do this, uterus.” “The longest journey begins with a single step—in heels.”
GENDER STUPIDITY: The completely boneheaded ideas some people have about gender. Examples: “Men are better than women.” “Quilting your feelings is women’s work.”
HERFBORT: Your vibrator and number-one D alternative when your man’s not supporting your feminist goals. Example: “I’m so effing horny, but David’s seeing that Skrillex cover band with his friends tonight, so I’m gonna have to hop on my herfbort.”
HERSHTAG: A hashtag strong enough for a man, but made for women. Example: “I’m live-tweeting my natural water birth at 3 P.M. EST! Follow the hershtag #sarahsnaturalwaterbirth for updates. Fingers crossed!!”
INTHERNALIZED SEXISM: Internalizing the myths and stereotypes of femininity, processing them, and reclaiming them as our own. Example: “Yes, I’m a housewife, but I prefer the term ‘stay-at-home bitch,’ thank you very much.”
MAID-DEN: Like a man cave, but for women. Instead of video games, you can knit, do crosswords, or just gab here. Feel free to decorate it the same way you decorate the rest of your house because that’s your job! Fun!
MALE GAYZE: That judgy yet supportive look you get from your gay best friend, who would never objectify you, but will definitely tell you how your boobs look in that V-neck romper.
MASSAGE-ONY: The completely inadequate massages some men offer in return for our ameeezing massages. Equal pay for equal play!
NOT-GUILTY PLEASHERS: Pleasures that only women like (chocolate!), which the patriarchy has made us feel guilty about for that reason. But no longer will we tolerate this guilt inducement! Sorry not sorry! <— Also a good hershtag; see above.
PATRIARCH-D: That big ol’ sweet, sweet D that keeps you enslaved to the patriarchy.
PRIVILEGE: Not super sure, but your friend Jen keeps asking you to “check” it. Sorry, Jen, we mostly use Venmo!
SHOPAHOL-ETTE: Not an addict (see also: not-guilty pleashers). Example: “I’m a shopahol-ette. I just bought eleven copies of the Reductress book for my friends, and I do not feel guilty about that.”
SQUAD GOALS: Achievements that you and your girls must accomplish together or you will all have failed. Example: Attaining the exact same body type so you can all share outfits!!!
#WCIWCW (WOMEN CRUSHING IT ON WOMAN-CRUSH WEDNESDAY): Like a normal woman-crush Wednesday, but when your woman crush is really crushing it in her chosen field and/or brow game. Don’t worry, this woman crush is totally platonic, and you don’t have to be a lesbian to do it or to crush it. But as a feminist you totally can be a lesbian if you’re into that! Swoon! Example: “I’m really proud of all the #WCIWCW who bought the Reductress book.”
WOMBVERSATION: Talking with another woman in hushed tones while placing your hands on each other’s bellies and speaking your truth.
Gal-therings are a great time to drink alc-her-hol, light wo-tive candles, and have deep wombversations.
WO-TIVE CANDLE: A candle that helps you get in touch with your inner goddess, ideally lit during a full moon or at the time of ovulation.
“YAAAS MEANS YAAAS, QUEEN!”: Something to shout at another woman when she is giving enthusiastic consent to a man.
YOU-T-HER-US: Your body, your decision, your uterus! Hands off, men—unless we ask for a nice premenstrual you-t-her-us massage!
IS IT FEMINIST? (A CHART)
Some say feminism is more a theory, but we like to think of it as a label that can be slapped onto or removed from anything we choose. So the next time you’re about to see a movie, read a book, or buy a bag of fat-free popcorn, ask yourself: Is it feminist? For your reference, here’s a sample guide to what is and isn’t feminist.
| FEMINIST | NOT FEMINIST |
| Painting your nails for you | Painting your nails for him |
| Erotica | Porn |
| Your vibrator | His dick |
| Dark chocolate | Milk chocolate |
| C-sections | Vaginal births |
| Sexting | Texting |
| Whoopi Goldberg | Whoopee cushions |
| Bubble baths | Oatmeal baths |
| Life Savers | Candy canes |
| Moesha | Brandy |
| Oysters | Pearls |
| Body wash | Soap on a rope |
| Books | Spicy trail mix |
| Dance | Magicians |
| Plastic applicators | Lice |
| “Whoopee!” (exclamation) | “Makin’ whoopee” (sex) |
| The moon | The sun |
| Magic Mike | Magic Mike XXL |
| The pill | Condoms |
| Death by chocolate | The death penalty |
| Yogurt | Go-Gurt |
| Having it all | Having a ball |
| Fifty Shades | Of Grey |
| Tacos | Burritos |
| Feelings | Facts |
| Tigers | Lions |
| Oakland A’s | San Francisco Giants |
| Spinning | Cycling |
| Coughing | Sneezing |
| Having a stroke | Burning toast |
| Bell’s palsy | Lyme disease |
| “Hi.” | “Hello.” |
| Pissing | Peeing |
| Tote bags | Other kinds of bags |
| Riding a horse | Eating meat |
| Herb gardens | Electrical fires |
| Knowing CPR | Being an EMT |
| Punching | Kicking |
| “Mmm!” | “Yum!” |
| Standing | Sitting |
| Almonds | Peanuts |
| Coconut milk | Actual milk |
THE MANY WAVES OF FEMINISM
As we’ve explained, feminism didn’t just come about all at once. It came in ripples, much like finger curls gracefully draped across time. In other words, it came in waves.
Whether they’re beach waves, hair waves, or feminist waves, we fucking love waves. So we did a ton of research on feminist waves and discovered that each era had its own style and attitude. Much like New Wave or deciding to wave or not wave at your coworkers outside of work, many women had different ideas about what feminism meant to them, and sometimes it got contentious. For example, many women still wonder today if the five different Spice Girls really did represent all women. Fortunately we resolved that question years ago,* so now we can focus on more important questions like, “Will unlikely animal friendships end racism?” and “Is beach hair inclusive?”
Of course, there is no way you will ever win at feminism without knowing how each wave of feminism came to pass. And although women throughout history have made lil’ feminist steps like winning the right to vote and own property, it’s not a cohesive movement until cute catchphrases and songs become associated with the changes. These are what help us to really understand what feminism is about in this very moment. After years of research and also just kind of guessing, here are the waves of modern feminism.
THE WAVES OF FEMINISM: TIMELINE
0–1939: No Idea
Pass!
1939–1945: The “We Can Do It!” Wave
When Rosie the Riveter took a selfie and captioned it “We Can Do It!” she literally broke whatever was around before the Internet. Finally, we had a woman with a catchphrase and a dope outfit that celebrated us, which started the “We Can Do It!” wave of feminism. The “We Can Do It!” wave was steadfast in reminding American women that not only can we do it; we can look hella good doing it, too.
Unfortunately, while a lot of women thought Rosie’s “it” meant “we can do anything we set our minds to,” a lot of men thought it meant “we can do more work on top of our existing housework.” All of this actually made it a pretty stressful time to be a woman. This period brought us an age of killer blue rompers and permission to touch the weights at the gym, but we women soon realized we needed a better solution to gain equality.
Later on, the birth of the first female superhero, Wonder Woman, gave rise to the belief that not only could women fight evil, but they could do it all in a killer outfit while showing off some major cleave. This unfortunately caused a lot of women to immediately feel bad about their newly purchased romper-and-handkerchief getup and get motivated to start making newer and better strides in how good women could look.
1960–1970: Mad Men, We Guess
This is the wave where your mom did stuff in an office, also known as the Mad Men wave of feminism. Some complicated shit went down somewhere between civil rights and the Vietnam War. Fortunately, most of it can be figured out by watching Mad Men, asking your mom what happened, or just asking your mom what happened on Mad Men.
1970–1995: Shoulder Pads and Bangs!
This was when strong women like Mary Tyler Moore, Laverne and Shirley, and Murphy Brown entered the workforce, and the real world has never been the same since. Not only were they the first women to ever be in skilled leadership professions; they skillfully demonstrated the rise and fall of shoulder pads. These brave women showed us that women can do any job a man can do, just as long as she skips to that job while singing or throwing her garments into the air. Also, Murphy Brown showed us that you can have a baby even if you aren’t married—talk about DIY!!! These women are real women and not just characters, so if any of them are reading this book, we thank them for kicking feminism up a notch!!!
WHAT DID YOUR MOM DO BEFORE FEMINISM?
“I was fired from my first job for not being ‘attractive enough’ to be a secretary. Thirty years later, I watched one episode of Mad Men and realized why.”
“My family forced me to give up the baby I had out of wedlock. A few decades later, Mad Men came out, and I realized I should have been focusing on my career all along!”
“Would you look at that Jon Hamm? He’s so handsome. Is he single? What a cute butt! Can’t you just send him an e-mail or something? I’m dying soon.”
1995–2001: “Girl Power!”
This was the wave of feminism that changed feminism forever. “Girl Power!” was the battle cry of the tiny pink spaghetti-strap tops of our youth, and the message was clear: no matter what challenges we faced in modern society, we ruled, and that was that. The Spice Girls came up with this pivotal phrase out of the blue one day, just hanging out together like the best friends forever that they have always been. Plenty of girls already believed that they ruled,* but a lot of them lacked the actual power to carry it out in their daily lives. When the Spice Girls uttered the phrase, “Girl Power!” with their strong, diverse girl fists in the air, the world changed overnight.
Now, not only could we yell about how we can “do it”; we could yell about power, which was a huge change from what the previous generations were yelling. Finally, the world would know what we wanted, what we really, really wanted.
2009–2013: “Who Run the World? Girls!”
The women’s movement made major strides in this era, where we went from being full-time baby ovens to literally running the world. Now, with Beyoncé as our figurehead and Michelle Obama as our arms, there was literally no stopping us (girls) from running shit.
Several more feminist issues were left unresolved during this era like, “Can women play video games?” and “Can women wake up . . . like this?” but fortunately these questions would be resolved in the coming wave of feminism.
2014: “I Woke Up Like This”
Sure, we run the world, but many begged the question, “How did we wake up?” And the answer was right in front of us. “Women of the world, you woke up,” Beyoncé said, “like this.” Whatever this was, women woke up that way, and there was literally no stopping us from doing it. This not only affirmed our power over the world, but declared that, like Beyoncé, we all naturally wake up looking like goddesses, even before our vitamin B-12 gummy or pits-only shower. We finally took back the A.M. Whose morning? Our morning!
2015–present: “YAAAS QUEEN”
Started by one of our drag-queen sisters, YAAAS QUEEN is an inclusive phrase of affirmation of one’s looks or behavior, that set the stage for the next big wave in feminism. The long-term effects and changes of YAAAS QUEEN are yet to be examined, but they seem to champion the looks and works of women who are not Beyoncé.
And there you have it: the long, slow arc of feminist history. Whether you’re a feminist or just a woman interested in looking at feminism, it’s important to understand what our foremothers did to shape the feminist world we enjoy today, one brave wave at a time.
CELEBS ON BEING FEMINIST
Some of our favorite female celebrities are jumping on the feminist bandwagon. You heard it here first (after they told us): being a feminist is cool now! As the buzz around feminism grows, everyone’s rocking that feminist label.* Here’s what these tastemakers had to say when we asked them about coming around to feminism.
Madonna
“I date a lot of younger men, and I recently discovered I can call it feminism.”
Oprah
“I am definitely a feminist, yes. But first and foremost, I am Oprah.”
Whoopi Goldberg
“Who is this? How did you get this number?”
Taylor Swift
“At first I thought being feminist was gross, ’cause who wants to burn cute bras and wipe period blood on their face like war paint? Then I realized both those things would look super cool in a music video, so I’m all over this feminist craze.”
Katy Perry
“I wasn’t a feminist until people started saying feminists could be sexy, and then it hit me like, yeah, I am a feminist. I mean, look at my boobs. I’m really into feminism now and also these cupcake barrettes made by adorable Japanese kids.”
Shailene Woodley
“I used to not consider myself a feminist, but now I do. Here, have some of these foraged cricket heads.”
Lassie
“I’m actually a boy!”
BOO! THE PATRIARCHY IS A SPOOKY GHOST
You know when you’re sitting alone in a room and you feel a cold breeze on your neck that makes you shudder for just a second, and you ask if anybody else felt it, but nobody did? That’s the patriarchy. The patriarchy is like a spooky ghost. You may not be able to see him, but you can hear him, and he just called you fat.*
This ghostly specter whispers in women’s ears that condoms feeeel weeirdd, and if you have to get an abortion, that’s on youuu. Every time we look over our shoulders, we feel the chill of the patriarchy telling us you’d loook better withoouut maakeuup, but then saying youuu loook siiick when we aren’t wearing makeup, which is ironic because the patriarchy looks like a fucking ghost.
Since the patriarchy is sneaky and invisible, it also has a way of getting away with stuff that nonghosts usually can’t get away with. While actual living men used to be the ones keeping us holed up in the house all day watching soaps and breast-feeding our boring lives away, now the patriarchy does that all without ever being a tangible entity! Think about it: Why does that inner voice saying you’re not good enough sound so spooky?
Unfortunately, men aren’t able to feel the presence of the patriarchy themselves. But as with our periods, some are able to just trust us and believe that it’s really happening. This is why we have to trust our feminine sixth sense when we feel that icy dick brush across the back of our neck as we try to ask for a raise and say, “I see patriarchy.”
You may have heard people talking about “dismantling the patriarchy,” and the reason why it has been so hard is because, like most ghosts, it can slip through your fingers and walk through walls. The only way to end the patriarchy is to acknowledge its presence in the room and to say aloud, “I ain’t afraid of no ghost!”
HAZARD: THE PATRIARCH-D
One sneaky tool the patriarchy uses to distract us is the patriarch-D (dick). The patriarchy knows if we get caught up in trying to get that dick, we’ll stop paying attention to what the hand in that puppet dick is attached to.
You’ve probably fallen victim to the patriarch-D and the patriarchy prop-up artists who keep it going at some point in your life. Maybe you’re patting yourself on the back for getting so close to that former major league baseball player you matched with on Tinder, when suddenly you realize that you’re just one of 107 models he invited to his pool party, and you’re about to drink too much champagne before you stumble home dickless.
This happens to all of us, because the patriarch-D wants to make you feel desperate and think that you need this, that it is an honor just to be included in this boob medley that will disappear from that shortstop’s mind before your Uber even gets you home. Meanwhile you could be having fun in an empowering way, like hanging out in Oprah’s castle eating ice cream and rewatching her favorite death moments in The Hunger Games. You don’t need men to have a good time. In fact, sometimes life is better without the D.
Another example of taking the patriarch-D is when a guy convinces you to go see the latest movie in which adorable sex kittens cling to a nervous and weak baby-man who hangs out with space robots, or a talking stuffed animal, or Jonah Hill. You’ll rack your brain trying to discover the character’s sex appeal, while your guy assures you he’s “the funniest dude alive.” The patriarch-D is trying to neg you into thinking you’re the one who doesn’t “get it” if you don’t subscribe to the D in all its forms. But your movie dollars don’t need to go toward supporting the patriarch-D.
Contrary to what the patriarch-D tells you, you don’t have to like movies with titles like Angry American Shooter Team: Dick’s Dawning. In fact, when you see the trailer and think to yourself, “I will not like this movie,” trust your gut and don’t see it. Instead, take yourself to a movie of Channing Tatum grinding on some tasteful furniture he just made so you can slurp up that feminist D! Seriously, who needs a hot lady on a car or a hot lady alien on a spacecraft or a hot rabbit in a dress when you can get some Tatum on a mid-century chaise lounge? Feminist D is plentiful; you just have to know where to find it.*
Other places to avoid if you don’t want to be assaulted by the patriarch-D and the legion of prop-up artists who wield it include: car washes, social media, higher education, business, inside a baseball hat, and being within earshot of Adam Levine.
Here is the World Watch List of the top-five worst offenders of patriarch-D and how to control yourself in each situation.
5. Your Friend’s Cousin
He made out with you in the hot tub that one time and then never answered your instant messages, sending you into an emotional tailspin that lasted until the end of your back-to-school shopping. Make no mistake: that was not the first time he ruined someone’s summer. Often going under the aliases of Ryan, Brad, Jackson, or Connor, your friend’s cousin is known for totally kissing girls with tongue and then going off the grid. He must be stopped. Next time you find yourself in a Jacuzzi as he tries to sneak a peek-a-boob under the water, tell him, “I deserve a man who will respect me inside and outside of this hot tub. Also, I blocked you on AIM.”
4. The Supermarket Deli Guy with Frosted Tips and a Barbed-Wire Tattoo
You know the one: he’s the hottie all the moms jockey to have slice their turkey—thick. Not much is known of his origins, though he was probably a surfer or model at one point. Maybe a body builder or even a landscaper. But now he lives the easy life of slicing cheddar and slaying poon. He’s a dangerous mom-sexer who will send all future PTA meetings into a tailspin,* and he must be brought to justice. Instead of subjecting yourself to his slutty salami, head over to the fish guy, who will appreciate you for who you are on the inside, because you’re the first woman who has ever smiled at him.
3. That Bartender Who Looks Like Jon Hamm (and Knows It)
You asked him, “Does anyone ever tell you you look like Don Draper?” He feigns surprise and says, “Ha! Wow, you think so?” Do not fall for this. He’s been doling out subpar fingerbangs ever since Mad Men debuted. There’s nothing worse than a guy who knows he looks like an unattainably suave celeb, so keep your distance. He’s not worth staying out late five nights a week. Trust us. To avoid that dick-laden heartache, try dating a guy who looks more like Vince Vaughn.
2. Dan, with the Hat
Fucking Dan. Ugh. With the hat. I mean, seriously? Stay away from Dan. Stupid Dan. Fuck Dan and his hat. Who does he think he is? Just because he has a hat we’re supposed to be all over his dick? Yeah right. Yeah right. No way, Dan. No one cares how cute you are in that hat. Ugh. Stupid hat.* Simple solution: stay away from hat.
1. Your Ex Who Had a Twin Bed
It’s not about the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean—and that ocean was more like a puddle. Sure he has a gorgeous D and a propensity to make coffee in the morning, but your neck has still not recovered from spending the night in a child-size bed. Ignore the love you once felt and focus on the pain you felt while sleeping in a Z shape. Still, this is the most sinister of all the patriarch-Ds. You think, “Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he got a full.” But don’t be fooled: this oppressor will never, ever buy a bed frame. Stay back. Move forward. Bring him to justice. Burn his mattress and never look back.
HOW TO BE FEMINIST WITHOUT BEING TOO “OPINIONY”
Now that you’ve read our beautiful words, you know feminism is the best. But please, puh-leeze, don’t give feminism a bad name by being all crazy about it. Look, we’ve worked too hard to make this club shiny and fun and discreet. We didn’t invite you to the party to blow up our spot. When a woman openly shares an opinion, she is often viewed as angry or “reactionary.” You don’t want us to get flagged by men as annoying or unlikable, do you? So here’s how to have legitimate feminist thoughts without being too “in your face” about it and giving feminism a bad look.
First, don’t ever make a man take direct responsibility for his acts of misogyny, okay? Be chill! Guys love when women are chill. They are chill most of the time, so get on their level! If you do have to make a point, use vague terms to describe what the actions of an evil sexist bogeyman might look like, so he knows it’s definitely not him you’re talking about. Hopefully, over time, the men in your life will start to absorb this knowledge, and it will be reflected in their own future behaviors. This may take a really long time, but it’s definitely worth avoiding an argument tonight, because he seems really tired right now and you don’t want to stress him out.
OPINIONY: Getting angry
CHILL: Journaling!
Journaling has been a great hobby for women throughout herstory because of its unobtrusive nature.* Men can accept that women are emotional creatures affected by their surroundings as long as women express those emotions privately. It’s not nagging if it’s on paper and that paper never sees the light of day. So just journal about how his statements about how “pussy tastes weird” made you feel. **
OPINIONY: Feeling disempowered
CHILL: Decorating!
If a guy sees empowerment as “some dumb woman thing” or an act of insecure desperation, it will fit well within his idea of your role as a woman and won’t upset the tried-and-true gender dynamic he loves so dearly. Men aren’t as offended by feminist ideals when they’re presented subtly, right under their noses, in the guise of being things other than self-respect. So get craftin’! Frame a cute print containing Rubenesque figures to remind yourself of body positivity. Find a piece of reclaimed wood and paint the word “HOME” on it to renew your sense of rugged feminine individuality. He’ll shrug it off as some romantic “Pinterest bullshit.” But you’ll know. And you’ll respect yourself, even if your life partner doesn’t.
OPINIONY: Being silently furious
CHILL: Becoming a model!
You can be a feminist and still be sexy! All you need is a five-foot-nine, 110-pound frame and to be under the age of twenty-two. Be fierce but silent, like a sexy androgynous robot that men want to have space sex with—this is your best chance at making men care about your feelings and listen to your opinions! Not qualified to be a professional model?* Take some super-beautiful selfies. Women who are conscious of their flawless appearance do not seem like angry old hags trying to upset the delicate balance of men’s cultural dominance.
OPINIONY: Being misunderstood
CHILL: Writing some poetry!
If there’s one thing most people can say about poetry, it’s that they don’t “get it” and aren’t paying any attention to it. Sound familiar? That’s just like women and feminism, which is why feminism and poetry go hand in hand! Nod to the patriarchy in subtle nuanced prose or add some verse to spice it up. Bust out some spoken-word floetry about how independent you feel when you squeegee your own windshield at the gas station. When you can be feminist without being disruptive—and sound pleasantly lyrical at the same time—everybody wins! **
OPINIONY: Trying to compete with men
CHILL: Doing a crossword puzzle!
What better way to assert your intelligence as a woman than by conquering the dominion of a gridded word game? Take that, patriarchy! Take that, Will Shortz!* The men around you will be none the wiser about how equal you are to them in mental faculties while your feminist spirit rages in the back pages of the newspaper. What’s a five-letter word that this activity isn’t? P-u-s-h-y.
OPINIONY: Having a long conversation about what your life has been like as a woman
CHILL: Hosting a book-club meeting!
The beauty of the book club is that no man would dare set foot in one, so you’re free to whisper about the unfairness of your male coworker’s promotion or the ways Fifty Shades of Grey made you feel things without upsetting your husband in the other room. Get wine-drunk and drunk on feminism in this empoweringly secret environment, free from male sovereignty.
OPINIONY: Lecturing him on body acceptance
CHILL: Taking a dance class!
If you liked the freedom of the book club, but can’t sit still, you’ll love dance class. Strutting your body all over the room is a great way to say to a small group of female and possibly gay male strangers: “Real women have curves!” “Take back the night!” “Women!” and “Oh no, the barf, it’s up coming again.” Yay dance class!
OPINIONY: Yelling
CHILL: Drinking tea!
Nothing supports and soothes a woman’s soul like a good cup of tea. So slide that bra out yo’ sleeve (in the privacy of your own home), sit back on the ol’ fut’, and sip on that good strong-but-sweet feminist chai. And when he just doesn’t get why you “can’t just take a joke,” a relaxing organic rooibos tea can help you meditate on why you’ve stayed in this relationship for so long without starting to hate yourself and doubt your feminine power. Getting in touch with the simple, soulful pleasures of being a woman reminds you that being a woman is not a bad thing, while also leaving him alone for once!
OPINIONY: Banging your head against the wall in a desperate cry for help
CHILL: Joining a roller derby team!
Do you like feminist exercise, but are more violent than graceful? You might be a derby girl! Roller derby is a great way to get together with your strong but still heavily lipsticked gal pals for a little competitive fun. What’s more feminist than knocking other girls out of the way, possibly causing serious injury, so your besties can get slingshotted ahead for points? Bonus: men will love it because they can watch it like a real sport, but there are girls with booty shorts on. You’re tricking men into being feminists! Double win! Points! Go team! So much blood!
Feminism is so, so, so fun. But nothing puts the brakes on that fun like a man walking in the room and being all, “What is going on in here?” In the event that your feminist activities are discovered, quick diversions include bursting into song, asking him how to fix something in the room, and fainting.
BAD FEMINISTS (A LIST)
Not all feminists are created equal. Unfortunately, some feminists distract from the real causes (women being strong and beautiful) with lesser, more boring causes (women in STEM).* As important as it is to model ourselves after the good feminists out there,** it’s equally vital to separate ourselves from the bad feminists—the ones who give feminism a bad look.
Bad feminists make feminism look like something to fall asleep to, like your mom droning on about how she does all the cleaning around here. Good feminists make feminism look hot, exciting, and fun, like an HBO series starring a cast of four different (but not too different) female friends who all get laid from time to time or a music video in which pretty girls act tough or pretend to be ugly. Bad feminists make all feminists look bad, which is why we have to call them out on our Tumblr, like, every other day.
Now that we’ve won the right to vote, we feminists need to focus on the more relevant issues at hand, like being sex positive, feeling fierce during sex, and showing that we women can also have positive feelings about sex. Let’s ditch yesterday’s issues, like birth control, equal pay, and “women in leadership” (whatever that means!), and move our cause forward. And while we’re at it, let’s ditch these bad feminists who are holding us back.
Hillary Clinton
Sure, she puts women’s rights at the center of her agenda and champions the causes of women all over the world, but unfortunately she is just too darn unlikable and gives feminism a bad look. Her Twitter is whack!*** Maybe instead of cosponsoring a fair-pay act, she could try a bolder shade of lipstick that would make people want to see more women in leadership positions? Sorry, Hill, until you turn your vibes around, you’re just a bad feminist!
Roxane Gay
She wrote a book called Bad Feminist. A bit on the nose, don’t you think? Methinks the lady doth protest too little. Case closed!
Angelina Jolie
Jolie works hard as a UN diplomat and philanthropist and bravely shared the story of her double mastectomy, which technically could be seen as empowering to other women. But shouldn’t she be spending more time on her sorely neglected acting career? Why let that pretty face go to waste when she could be depicting more strong female psychos on-screen? All that humanitarian work takes her away from doing films like Girl, Interrupted 2: Stop Interrupting Me in This Workplace, a script we wrote! Angelina, please call us!!
Malala Yousafzai
On the surface, this teen Pakistani activist and Nobel Prize winner seems like a good feminist, fighting for her right to an education and rocking a headscarf like no one else. But is she feminist? No, she isn’t. You have to be twenty-one in order to be a feminist. That’s just the rules. I mean, sure, she continued her campaign for expanding educational opportunities for young girls despite surviving an assassination attempt by the Taliban, but does she know what it’s like to be a woman in the workplace who needs happy hour? Like, needs it?? We think not.
bell hooks
Although hooks has written a lot of great books about feminism and provided some interesting feminist theory, it’s just hard for us to imagine that a real feminist wouldn’t capitalize her own name. C’mon, girl—believe in yourself! You’re a great lady writer!! For your convenience, here is what your name would look like capitalized: Bell Hooks. Wow! Nice, right?
The next time you’re perusing the fare at your local bookstore* and you come across the works of any of these “feminists,” think twice before using that gift card. Is this the feminism you want? Is it the feminism you need? Or is it, like, stressing you out? Frankly, our version of feminism involves a little less squinting at the page while wrapped in a pile of raggedy throws like a shut-in and a little more dancing on top of a bar while men and women cheer. This is what a real feminist looks like!
INTERSECTIONALITY IN FEMINISM: FOR WHITE WOMEN!
Are you a straight white female? Okay: Did you know lesbians can also be feminist? And people of color, too? It may seem revolutionary, but all of those groups do contain women. And these days, feminism is for everybody! Even men, occasionally.*
This is what we call intersectional feminism. Wait—don’t run away! We know it’s a big word, but we promise that knowing it is essential (also a big word!).
Contrary to popular belief, women who aren’t heterosexual, able-bodied, cisgender,** or white might face even more struggles when it comes to gaining equality. A lot to process, we know. But bear with us: intersectional feminism can be just as much fun as regular old feminism! For example, while we’re fighting for our right to equal pay in the film industry, we can take a sec to fight to see that minorities get any representation in the film industry whatsoever. That is our solemn duty as feminist allies to our less privileged sisters. Think of being an ally as being a friend who helps her girlfriends bring themselves up to her level, leading by unearned example.
This helps us make a more equal and more inclusive world, which is very on trend right now! Even advertisers are being inclusive these days, which is a great indicator of when something is cool. So hop on the intersectionality train and diversify your feminist goals.
If you’re a white woman, you have a lot to fight for, but you also share a lot of the advantages white men have. This is called privilege (huh?). Because you have more privilege than a lot of other women, you must use it for good and not evil, while also pulling off a killer outfit to show that helping others is cool. We know it’s a lot! But we know that you, as a white woman, have the privilege to handle it.
How to Use Your Privilege for Good
Here are some ways you can #checkyourprivilege and help others, while also being an ameeezing ally.
Tell a lesbian that you find another woman attractive.
Nothing assures a lesbian you’re on her side like letting her know that you also, theoretically, could be into another woman. Whenever an attractive woman walks by and you’re within earshot of your gay acquaintances, turn to them and say, “Hot, right?!” Feminism is about equal rights for everyone.
Say, “I’m not racist!”
Maybe something you said or did was offensive to a person of color. If their feelings were hurt, the best way of comforting them is by letting them know that it was not your intention to offend and that they maybe imagined the whole thing, because you are not racist. You don’t see color and aren’t even that good at figuring out which shade of blue looks best on you. They’ll be so relieved to know you’re not a racist!
Attack white men.
Nothing puts you squarely on the side of inclusivity like taking jabs at white men at every opportunity. When your coworker Mike leaves the room and you’re left with your Pacific Islander coworker Ann, turn to her and say, “Ugh, white guys, amiright?” She’ll know you stand in solidarity with her goals, even if she is married to Mike.
Really emphasize your proper pronoun use when talking about a trans person.
Example: “I’m such a big CAITLYN Jenner fan. SHE is so beautiful.” No one will doubt your commitment to trans rights now!
Pick their brains.
Inclusivity is all about dialogue. Don’t be afraid to pull someone aside and ask, “So what’s it like being gay/black/trans/Mexican/different?” They’ll appreciate your taking the time to single them out. Also, make sure to use the phrase “pick your brain.” People love that!
Tell them you can relate.
If someone from an underrepresented group does start sharing their experiences with you, let them know you sympathize. Say things like, “As a woman, I totally get what it’s like.” Equating all of our struggles gives us all more power!
Intersectionality for Everyone Else
If you’re not a cisgendered white woman, you know that they don’t get this ally thing right 100 percent of the time (or even like 60 percent). So we partnered with Noway aspirin to offer this exclusive coupon for ten free aspirin, just for you!* Noway can help you deal with the headache of listening to your monumentally privileged acquaintances say stupid things, like saying that Malcolm X was “way meaner” than Martin Luther King, Jr., or asking what it was like to grow up in a foreign country you have never even been to, or trying to explain why their Halloween costume is okay.
THE NINE CIRCLES OF HELL FOR WOMEN WHO DON’T HELP OTHER WOMEN
Taylor Swift once said, “Katie Couric once said, ‘Madeleine Albright once said, “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”’” According to many theologians, she’s correct—at least partially. There are said to be nine circles of hell specifically designed for women who make social or professional faux pas. Save yourself from eternal punishment by reading this list. You’re not on here, are you?
FIRST CIRCLE:
Women who don’t participate in group texts
This is Limbo, for women like you who leave everyone hanging. You were specially selected for a hilarious thread about something that pertains to all of you (usually something cray-cray an ex-friend posted on Facebook). You were called upon, and you failed to answer that call. You’ll spend forevermore asking strangers if you can borrow their charger.
Notable residents: Estelle Getty, most succubae
SECOND CIRCLE:
Women who post hideous pictures of other women on social media
You’re a hot girl with a brand new iPhone, an itchy trigger finger, and no sense of other people’s vanity whatsoever. Even if your friend just went through a breakup and needs all the rebound-attracting pics she can get, you’d still post a shot of her mid-yawn, with the caption, “I love my beautiful friend!!!” Your punishment is having large-scale portraits of your weird elbow skin posted online every hour on the hour. Repent!!!!
Notable residents: Cleopatra, your Aunt Jill
THIRD CIRCLE:
Women who bring chips to a potluck
First of all, potluck means cooking. If they wanted to throw a party where everyone bought 7-Eleven chips at the last minute, they’d have called it a “Let’s All Give Up” party. Plus, all those who made salsa, hummus, or artichoke dip are already bringing chips, so there’ll be lots of crunchy waist-killers left over to tempt your host. This is a crime punishable by an eternity of trying to quietly chew something crunchy in a crowded lecture hall.
Notable residents: Mary Todd Lincoln, that girl Jess from work
FOURTH CIRCLE:
Women who never have cash
Unless you have an ATM phobia, there’s no excuse for not having at least 20 bucks on you, especially when your ass knows it’s brunch o’clock. Your sniveling pleas of “Can I just Venmo you?” and “They take cards, right?” have echoed in businesses everywhere, from scoop shops to Moroccan rug markets. Until the end of time, you’ll be forced to split $25 restaurant checks between eight different credit cards. And yes, they’re all Chase Sapphire. Burn, wench!
Notable residents: Joan of Arc
FIFTH CIRCLE:
Women who play-slap your shoulder way too hard
Ugh, we get it, you’re a brassy gal who loves a good laugh. That doesn’t give you license to ruin trivia night by dislocating the shit out of someone’s shoulder. This circle of hell is full of broads like you, who can’t accurately express their laughter without assaulting someone. You’ll spend eternity trying to push a boulder up a mountain while TVs everywhere play your least-favorite episode of Roseanne.
Notable residents: “Unsinkable” Molly Brown, Gertrude Stein
SIXTH CIRCLE:
Women who cancel at the last minute
There is no girls’ night you won’t skip, no baby shower you won’t “forget” about, and no wingman duty you won’t weasel your way out of. Everything you type into your phone autocorrects to “OMG totally forgot, so sorry to back out!!!” Prisoners of this sorry place are doomed to wait at a wine bar alone until the universe folds in upon itself.
Notable residents: Helen of Troy, Nefertiti, Mary Queen of Scots, pretty much all queens
SEVENTH CIRCLE:
Women who only carry applicator-free tampons
Your friend asked if you had a tampon she could use, not, “Hey, do you have a fun excuse for me to finger-fuck myself in this Chili’s?” Her polite, confused smile clearly means, “I’m now going to shove a wad of toilet paper in my underwear. Thanks for nothing,” but still, you give her a smug “You’re welcome.” Your unrepentant earth-friendliness will have you spending the afterlife with bloody fingernails.
Notable residents: Dara S. from your high-school tennis team, Bonnie Parker (of Bonnie and Clyde)
EIGHTH CIRCLE:
Women who claim to be “still full”
Look, we all do adorable things so that guys will have sex with us. We sing beautiful songs, we volunteer with the elderly, we even bleach our buttholes. But it’s too low of a blow to start rhapsodizing about your “huge lunch.” That shit is in the past. We are at a barbecue right now, and it is time to dine. No woman can compete for D with a girl who’s painfully nibbling the corner of a watermelon wedge. You’re doomed to be in a long line for plastic cutlery for all time.
Notable residents: Marie Antoinette, that girl Becca from camp
NINTH CIRCLE:
Women who say “Awww!” at you
Your friend mentions something slightly vulnerable: she got through a whole hot yoga class without going into child’s pose or is thinking about signing up for Match.com. A nongarbage person would say “Cool!” but you slither into the conversation with the most condescending sound ever: “Awwwwwwww!” In just one syllable, you have declared: “I am better than you. You are nothing.” Your punishment is to be an adult baby, forever and ever. Awww!
Notable residents: Your cousin Nina, Marilyn Monroe, Ursula the Sea Witch
WARNING: CURVES AHEAD
Abandon hope, all ye who enter here—because feminism is hard! This is your last chance to turn back.
You may think that being a feminist is just your current fabulous life with maybe a few more ponytail days, but make no mistake: achieving feminism is a dangerous quest, sort of like Lord of the Rings.* Your days will be filled with all sorts of new perils, and some of your favorite things will no longer be acceptable. Choosing to fight the patriarchy is like choosing the red pill over the blue pill, like Neo does in The Matrix.** The knowledge you’ll acquire can’t be unlearned, and you’ll be tasked with using it to convert those around you. You can’t make a patriarchy-fighting omelet without breaking a few pubic-hair-preference eggs in the process. As Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker in Spider-Man,*** “With great power comes great hersponsibility.”
Here are the perils you’ll face once you win feminism.
Knowing About Stressful Things
Being an intersectional feminist**** means starting every day with a hot cup of global-oppression awareness. Once you’re aware of the patriarchy, you’ll have to know every depressing fact about everything: which chemicals are in our water, how every meat-producing animal gets slaughtered and how much they are aware of what’s happening, which mountainous rebel faction is murdering which mountainous rebel faction, how many trees are left in the rain forest and how tall they are, which state legislature is concocting the latest horrible laws, which must-have products are made in the cruelest factories, what the depression rates are for bullies who get bullied by other bullies, and how long we have before the polar ice caps explode. Yikes!
Are you ready to be the girl who knows how many plastic water bottles are floating in the ocean? If not, maybe you’re not ready to be the girl who gets equal pay. Think about that. If this sounds like too high a price to pay, gift this book to your offbeat younger cousin and go call someone a bitch. It’s okay to turn back and not be feminist—for now.
Having Friends Who Wear Glasses
Marilyn Monroe said it best: “Men don’t make passes at girls who make friends with girls who wear glasses.” The rest of your squad isn’t making the leap with you (they’re “not into negativity”), so it looks like you’ll have to make some new friends. Well, brace yourself, because some of them might not be able to wear contacts.
Now that you’re a feminist, you’re not allowed to care about whether or not your friends are hot (but not too hot), and that includes girls with sturdy ears and sensitive corneas. Scared yet? Don’t worry too much. You’ll still have cute friends, since feminists are cute! You’re just not allowed to block a girl’s number if she insists on putting dangerous glass right next to her beautiful eyeballs, even if her personal choice is totally cock-blocking you at the club. Still, it’s not too late to put down your protest sign and head on home.
Hope You Like Cats
It’s not like feminists have to go around in burlap sacks and Birkenstocks, but the fact is that you can’t be a feminist and not have a cat. Rules are rules! No more will you be able to brag, “I don’t even need a lint roller; I’m just a very low-static person.” Everything you own will be covered in the fur of woman’s best friend. You will not get through the terror of your first no-makeup selfie without a good purr-cuddle with your brain-parasite-carrying kitty cat. And if you have allergies, it’s time to get the fuck over yourself. Do you want to be a feminist or not?
Having to Use a Menstrual Cup
Haven’t you heard? Using disposable menstrual products is the same thing as hitting a manatee with your speedboat, backing up, and running it over again. Tampons and pads contribute to the waste stream, and as a feminist you’ll have to give a shit about the waste stream—or at least know what that is. That means using a DivaCup, which means being cool with dumping a tiny cup of blood into your office sink three to five times a month.
Okay fine, you don’t have to shove a rubber trumpet mouthpiece up into your ladypiece, but you better have a solid reason why a menstrual cup is not for you. Try, “It’s just too big for my tight lil’ pussy,” or, “I’m making an artistic statement about our country’s love affair with cotton.” Everyone will get off your jock—for now. Remember, feminism is about choices and whether or not you’ve made the right one. Are you ready for that? If not, no one will fault you for turning back now. Really. It’s fine. We’re not being passive-aggressive about it. Go right ahead.
Being Tolerant of Others (Exhausting)
Just because you get to be judgy doesn’t mean you get to be intolerant. Feminists have a responsibility to keep an eye on underrepresented groups and make sure their voices are heard, which can be, like, a huge hassle if you’re used to focusing on yourself. Are you ready to be aware of the massive privileges you’ve been handed as a result of colonialism, systematic oppression, and cultural genocide? ’Cause that shit leaves wrinkles. Just sayin’!!!
If all of these hardships seem too high a price to pay, then perhaps feminism isn’t for you. Put this book away and go buy some fringy crop tops from a store that uses slave labor. But if you’re determined to soldier on, keep reading. Then buy some fringy crop tops from a store that produces in the United States but has a history of mistreating female employees. You’re on your way to being a real feminist!
Plinky: Am I Feminist Yet?
You got through part 1! Perhaps you think,
“Am I feminist now, dear little ol’ Plink?”
Oh no, my child, there’s a river ahead!
Keep rowing, keep going, there’s more to be read!
Gib gib, goob goob,
Keep reading, you boob!
I once put a pipe bomb in a senator’s mailbox, but it was the wrong mailbox.
Oh my, what a rube!
DISCLAIMER
Again, we are mostly sure that she’s losing her mind and that these are baseless claims. Her braggadocio should not be taken as fact. Just, like, listen to the nice stuff!
