Читать книгу Love Punch & Other Collected Columns - Rob Hiaasen - Страница 25
ОглавлениеThe Twelve Days of Christmas (Reconsidered)
December 20, 2015
On the first day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
A Partridge in a Pear Tree.
* * *
On the second day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
2 Turtle Doves
And a sweet but flimsy explanation why I need a partridge or a pear tree.
* * *
On the third day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
3 French Hens
2 Turtle Doves—which I have no idea where to keep much less what to feed.
And no need for a partridge or a pear tree (grapefruit tree, sure).
* * *
On the fourth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
4 Calling Birds
3 French hens—is this like a solidarity thing with the French?
2 Turtle Doves—which in no way look like or are as cool as turtles.
And no need for having what will only end up as compost.
* * *
On the fifth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
5 Golden Rings
4 Calling Birds—do they have to call? Can’t they sit quietly and think underwhelming bird thoughts?
3 French Hens—solidarity. Check.
2 Turtle Doves—not real turtles.
And no need for that first stuff we mentioned.
* * *
On the sixth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
6 Geese a Laying
5 Golden Rings—You didn’t tap into our IRAs, did you?
4 Calling Birds—That can call from another zip code.
3 French Hens—Vive la France!
2 Turtle Doves—Vive la Dinner!
But there’s no need for threatening violence against turtle doves.
* * *
On the seventh day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
7 Swans a Swimming
6 Geese a Laying—Try: 6 Geese a Staying Away from Other Frisky Geese.
5 Golden Rings—Think one ring. Zales.
4 Calling Birds—Retired.
3 French Hens—Growing on me.
2 Turtle Doves—Bacon-wrapped, pepper-spiked, with oozing cream cheese...
And the reason for being chintzy on the rings is because it cost $1,100 to have one chintzy dead Chestnut tree chopped down lest it crush my home for the holidays.
* * *
On the eighth day of Christmas
My true love sent to me:
8 Maids a Milking
7 Swans a Swimming—Where?
6 Geese a Laying—Platonically.
5 Golden Rings—Zirconium.
4 Calling Birds—Mute.
3 French Hens—Love them!
2 Turtle Doves—With a Syrah or a nice Chardonnay.
And I’m sorry but any number of maids a milking doesn’t sound like an appropriate gift.
* * *
On the ninth day of Christmas
I napped.
* * *
On the tenth day of Christmas
I un-napped.
* * *
On the eleventh day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
11 Pipers Piping—No.
10 Lords a Leaping—No.
9 Ladies Dancing—Yes.
8 Maids a Milking—No.
7 Swans a Swimming—No.
6 Geese a Laying—No.
5 Golden Rings—No.
4 Calling Birds—No.
3 French Hens—Yes.
2 Turtle Doves—No.
1 Partridge in a Pear Tree—No.
* * *
On the twelfth day of Christmas
My true love gave to me:
Assorted Drummers Piping, Pipers Drumming, Lords a Milking, Ladies Calling, Maids a Swimming, Swans a Doving, Geese a Sneezing, Lord of the Rings, Very Quiet Birds, French Hens, Turtle Doves, and, I give up —
Throw in the partridge in a pear tree, too.
