Читать книгу The illusion of forever - Rolf van der Wind - Страница 5

Chapter I

Looking back.

We make some decisions, almost unconsciously. After so many years, I found myself walking along the long white beach, visiting a well-known spot that meant so much to her and me a long time ago. I thought of her and how she loved this part of the country. The sea's cold and sparkling blue seems to bring back yesterdays. Although I am aware that we will pass through death and ages lengthen before witnessing this scene together again, I feel close to Carol. Some memories are lasting. They are unique, and the details are the reasons for refusing to leave me alone. Today I drove close by without realizing where I was. Suddenly her memory crossed my mind, and it was then I decided to stop and revive old remembrances.

What we remember softens over time. What I remember is just that we were happy, not the individual moments that caused our joy. It was a different me when I was with her. She ignited the desire to change in me, to be a better person. So many recollections I would recast.

Carol's memories were tangible and heavy, and I had carried them with me long after we went separate ways. I have tried to block out the memories of the past. The memory of something painful retains its power. Every time they return, I get mixed feelings in my heart. Looking at pictures of those days is pleasant to me, which renews our time together and relieves the regret for their absence by a false and empty easiness and acceptance.

The existential error is to believe that the problem goes away by remembering the good times and forgetting the rest. Here on this white sand, Carol had laid down beside me and slid her arm beneath my head, lying her head on my chest. How much we did enjoy listening to the sound of the sea, reminding each other of the beautiful times and secrets we only knew. I can look back to the categorical knowledge that right then, at that moment, there was room for nothing but happiness in my heart.

She was a ray of sunshine, a lasting warm summer rain, a bright fire trying to stay alive inside my cold heart, and now she would not write or call me because she finally understood. She had tried with all her heart to save the man she loved but with time discovered that it was an impossible task. In the winter of our time, she realized that it was foolish to try to give something I did not want to have.

It feels sad and pleasing in this world of memories, where nothing is unknown to recall thoughts of yesterday. Now that it is all over, I see the wasted time in our life together.

Now I look back at so many years spent sharing fighting tears. After having fought, I recall knowing that I was happy to end the relationship but never did. Why can we not let the past die?

I knew she did not want more silent tears, no more gazing across wasted years but saying goodbye was hurting us too. Carol needed the strength to be able to say goodbye. Some changes in our lives are not freely taken but forced by events out of control. A sudden change of job or the end of a renting contract triggers the necessary steps that bring other changes to follow.

Later after a few months, gradually, her memory slipped a little, as memories do. There is an unconscious healing process within the mind that mends up our broken hearts despite our desperate determination never to forget. I do not want her to miss me simply because I will not ever know about that. It does not affect me anymore what she says or does.

Memories are images in our brain; each one brings its sorrow or its smile. It is sad and blue to see how a stranger became part of me, and after time that part of me left, turning her into a stranger again. It shows that we were ultimately never as one as we pretended to be.

Every morning I am slowly growing accustomed to the fact that one side of the bed would always be empty. The worst moments are when, walking along the beach, I realize that I have forgotten the exact blue of her eyes or the way her hand felt while walking hand in hand as we always did.

I was never in love enough to stay in love, never needed to leave anything unchanged, but the selfdestructing notion in my mind demanding that everything must die overpowered my desire to stay with her. It is the life that matters, the eternal and constant process of getting in touch with reality and death. A world that only knows changes, and now all I have is my memories. The rest is gone, not forgotten, but over. Lovers long for everlasting love. It is easy to imagine the lover's desires but very easy to fail in their commitment.

I feel saddest for those who once knew what wisdom was but lost or became numb to the wonder of existence. We all need skills to defend, keep our spirits, survive, and find happiness. How easily we get confused and lose our ways. How crazy is it to try to force life the way we expect it to be? To believe that we can only achieve happiness when we conquer dreams but do not take enough time to decide what to dream. Why so many of us felt their emotions floating away and did not care about losing them, I guess it is horrifying, not caring enough about the loss.

I taught myself to display indifference to all the actions and passions of this world. Detachment is not giving up things but accepting the fact and being consciously aware that nothing is permanent. The possessions themselves were not the problem of my unhappiness; my relationship with possessing love and maintaining it caused destruction in my life. Since I practice scarcity as if the things I cherish are already lost or broken, I feel better.

I hope Carol never has to think as much as I think about her and our time together. I hope that her life goes as it went before we met. I felt nostalgic for what never was. We had good times, but there is a regret of not being able to be someone else. The absurdity of all this is that I

knew it would happen, and, even worse, I know it will happen again and again because I like to be this way.

To think that everything is predetermined is boring and puts us like pawns on a chess table. If you are probably one of these people, you can probably be happy; you cannot do much after all. On the other hand, if all depends on your free will, you can probably enjoy the ride too. As long as you accept the conditions, you can be living a satisfying existence. The problem is on the rest of us, the eternally rebels with or without a cause. We do not take anything for granted, and nothing is deserved. No God to held responsible for the surrounding chaos.

I try to rebel against destiny. The chaos of my love is proof of it. Do you know what distresses me the most about her? If I sit down and start to write about her, everything about us feels like an eternity ago. I must admit that I do not know and maybe never knew her well. How many memories can I describe? Where did all go? But this is it. She is gone, and most probably, we will never meet again. All the chaos of sharing our lives is over. I would like to know if, for her, there were an instant worth remembering?

I guess I must retake my plans for today, knowing that somehow, she left a mark in me that I cannot erase and not forget even if I wish to forget all.

Before leaving the white sand of this beach, I tell the wind that saw us together last time I was here that I love her in my very own way. Trying hard to forget her and knowing that I will never do.

How could I have believed that she would just fade out of my mind like autumn leaves? She was a knowledgeable girl with a strong mind, with a good sense of humor and irony in her jokes. She will continue to be hardworking, creative, passionate in all that she does. The desire to reach her dreams will not let them be dreams forever.

This girl slipped out of my dream in my life, ceased to exist, but in my memories keeps returning, calling my name. One day I will reverse time and go back to the house where we lived together; I will again walk the streets we used to walk hand in hand. I will see her hiding behind a tree, waiting for me to come and scare me or steal something from my grocery bag. All of this I will do just to feel her closer, just to feel the pain in thinking of what could have been but never was.