Читать книгу The illusion of forever - Rolf van der Wind - Страница 8

Chapter IV

Avery.

A ghost inhabiting the mind of a stranger is the best way of describing myself these days. I do not want to think about tomorrow. If I do, I will go crazy. If we wait for things to be perfect, we would probably wait eternally. After postponing my date with this girl from the office, I did call her yesterday, and she agreed to go out to dinner tomorrow night. Her name is Avery. She is a beautiful girl and a curious soul. One thing that struck me about her was her spontaneous interest in things that meant nothing to other people. Some quantifiable external beauty always attracts me, but Avery had that particular undefinable something that made her special. You rarely fall in love without being tempted to see, interestingly, the wrong values in the person. A few weeks ago, Avery was far from suspecting that she was becoming an object of interest in my eyes. We worked in different sections and occasionally met in meetings. I had looked at her without second thoughts, but after some days, I gazed at her only to find more and more pleasure in her presence. It took not long until I admitted that she was graceful and pleasing to have close. She projected positivity around her and became a sun in the center of my galaxy.

Matt, my best friend, could not explain the mysteries of her attraction to me, nor logic could explain it satisfactorily.

Later that afternoon, we went to a nearby coffee shop, and Matt was still jocking about my draw towards Avery. He said, "It is what you do not see you are interested in." It was like my old me talking to me. I knew that he meant it as a joke, but nothing touches you more than a reminder of what you are trying to avoid doing. Matt looked at me and said, "Oh yes, I know that look. What are you thinking?"

I smiled back and told him, "I accept the hard reality that I maybe might be imagining too much and that she is far from interested in me." Matt, in his peculiar way, asked, "Do you know what she sees in you now?" Before I could answer, he started laughing and said, "This is the guy I would follow to hell and back." I was not able to answer. Why does something that someone tells you scare you so much? Maybe deep inside, I always have an idea of love. Fantasy love is much better than reality love. The situation was curious. How does someone like Matt Peterson put me in doubt? Did he misjudge me? Do people get the wrong impression about what kind of person I am? Indeed, I am far from "The perfect guy." The most accurate definition of myself would be "Extremely confused and dangerous."

After leaving the coffee shop, Matt went home, and I decided to walk around to clear my mind. After all, it is not like tomorrow I would get married; it was just a first date, nothing more. If you always add positive emotions to the things you want, then the better your chances are. I tried to imagine how things would go.

I saw telling her, "It is you I think of when I wake each morning. It's your face I dream of." Again, I try to keep an open mind and hope to find fabulous things showing up in my life. I was too engaged in my thoughts that I did not hear someone asking me something. When I turned around, I saw two women strangely looking at me. I apologized for not realizing they talked to me and asked both ladies if I could help. The younger girl asked with a strong accent for directions. I thought to myself that most probably they spoke English because the accent is easy to recognize. I knew the street they were asking for and gave them directions in English. Both started laughing and were happy to have found another American.

Because the street they wanted was in my direction, I offered to walk together. While walking, I learned that it was mother and daughter going on a trip across Sweden as the family originated from here. This encounter was a completely unexpected turn of events that took me unaware and swept away all my thoughts. During walking, I wished that the street would be farther away from where we were. By then, I knew they were from Minnesota and probably would stay for another two weeks here. The rare moments that come unannounced are the most magical. When we arrived at the street where they lived, she gave me her phone number and made me promise that I would call her. I looked at her, unsure of how to answer. Finally, I promised her that I would do so and said goodbye. I left without looking back, somehow knowing that the crazy thing I just did was well-intended but not according to what I wanted to do. No one knew what was wrong with me or what kind of sick joke my head was playing. I was nice, but it was more than being nice, which was precisely the point of my disappointment. You cannot let all be a game of playing Mr. nice guy just for the pleasure of getting a phone number. Was I not thinking about my next date? Is it so easy to make me go for any chance of chasing a girl? The fact of letting things roll bothers me. I should have clarified my actual intentions and not left room for welcoming ideas. My first nature hides but never goes away. Sometimes, it feels like I will stop breathing when I force myself to the new vision of my better self. I do not want to let go of my priorities, and even if the road gets bumpy, I must stay my course.

Tomorrow will be a new day and will bring a new set of opportunities. All I can do is stay committed to myself and persist in trying to be a better person. What lies inside me is more significant than what lies ahead of me. Today I am more conscious of life. For me, it means we have the chance to transform into what we wish to be. Learning from our mistakes inspires us to create a life we love. It may be a dangerous undertaking when you fight yourself to discover the real you. I am not fighting evil; I do not expect to transform darkness into light, only to be more content with dealing with other human beings.

I want things to go well tomorrow. I've been alone for a couple of months, and now I am ready to have a relationship. Why should I have high expectations? Better do everything for its own sake and see where all goes. Our mental expectations are probably a futile attempt to put permanence on something temporary. I am committed to treating Avery gently and truthfully; it is not what I expect from her but what I can offer her. Years ago, I would decide to take action in a new relationship as my needs and demands required avoiding other concerns. I now see that we cannot expect the outcome to meet our stipulations and goals if we only think of ourselves. It was downright depressing, and no girl could complete the list of demands without losing the essence of being herself. The girls who did intend to fill my list of expectations did so in a cancerous way to themselves. In the end, we had to terminate the relationship to survive.

Our sentimental life is a place where heaven and earth collide in a baffling clash of hopes, dreams, fears, and sometimes nobody survives. It is still fresh in my memory of the day Carol told me, "I have been trying to make you happy for a year now, hoping somehow that you would learn how to love me, but I do not think it is working." I see now that confusion is the only possible result of a oneperson relationship, and I am about to change that.

Although my plans were unavoidable, the short encounter tonight was still on my mind. I could not decide to forget and turn off the noise in my head. Until I would not make the unconscious conscious, it would direct my decisions. Maybe the meeting's unexpected characteristics did not give me enough time to handle the situation the way I would have fancied. I needed to find a way to calm my thoughts. Unfortunately, I must face the mirror every day, and it is not my plan to avoid them forever. It took me not long to find an escape. The best would be to call and meet with Lucy and her mother. Why not invite them to lunch, letting me come out of this in a fair and friendly way. This solution brought convenient peace to my silly head. This feeling of peace was agreeable. I have begun to listen to the teaching my consciousness whispered to me. Now, I was not afraid to look in the mirror on the opposite next time when I will look at myself again, I will see that I am suddenly more open to change than I ever was before.

Trying to stay and follow my rational thinking is elemental for archiving my goals, but emotions make me human. Even the bothersome ones have a purpose. Trying to lock them down would make them louder and more dangerous. I should try to keep them on a leash, always present but under control.

It would be much more beneficial for myself and my plans if I learned to distinguish between valuable and worthless ways to deal with what life offers me. It is not the pursuit of pleasure that I have in mind. It is the amount of positive vibration that will radiate in life that matters to me now.

I do not want to be defined by what type of food I eat or where I live, or what car I drive. Identify me by the ends I am living for. I want to live for things given to me for a purpose. It does not matter what I did or where I was, but it matters where I am and what I will be doing. I think it is satisfying to live not knowing than to have answers which might be wrong. I am not sure of anything. There are things I do not know anything about, and about that, I am pretty convinced.

Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day. Our life is full of uncertain questions, but it is the endurance to seek answers that continue to give meaning to life and finally define who I am.