Читать книгу Triumph Of Love Over Ego - Saeed Habibzadeh - Страница 20

We all know this scenario: we drive to work in a bad mood and we return home in a bad mood, and the result is that we do not solve our problems – instead we take them along with us to places where they can never be solved!

It gets even more complicated when we try to transfer our problems onto someone else, someone who really has nothing to do with them. That’s when we take out our bad mood, our anger and aggression, our frustration and whatever else happens to bother us, on someone who has not caused them.

But why would we do such a thing?

Because we are neither courageous nor honest.

Most of the time we do not solve our problems where they originate. Instead, we choose the path of least resistance. And who offers the least resistance? Our nearest and dearest! So, is it just and fair that we should offload our problems onto those who love us the most and therefore have the most patience with us? This has nothing to do with solving problems and everything to do with passing the buck to someone else, from sheer lack of courage and honesty. Instead of letting those that caused these feelings know that they have wronged us, we push our emotions and feelings aside. The result of this non-communication is an escalation of inner pressure until we suddenly explode for practically no reason at all. And who ends up in the firing line? Those who are not even involved: our nearest and dearest!

Coming home from work in a terrible mood and venting our emotions and aggression on our kids does not make our problems grow smaller; in fact it adds another lot of problems. If we do not solve our problems where they originate, they remain unsolved, grow ever larger and end up affecting other parts of our lives. Our children no longer feel comfortable within their own family and start looking for a sense of belonging and security outside of their home. However, this makes them feel more and more uneasy because they miss the comfort and security of the family. Having to brave it out in the outside world, coupled with a lack of security, makes them increasingly anxious and aggressive, which increases their susceptibility to alcohol, drugs and an inclination towards violence. Most negative behaviours displayed by young people originate from despair and pent-up aggression that they try to discharge by criminal activity.

When for example a man has problems with his dominant mother but he does not solve these problems with her, he will keep meeting dominant women and continue to go through the same conflicts with them and hopefully be able to solve those problems eventually. This is only because he avoided confrontation and resolution of the problem with his mother.

Now let us imagine another man who was spoilt by his mother and who still refuses to take responsibility for himself and his life – it is after all so much easier and more convenient for him to remain a child. Later, he will continue to attract women who prefer to have a child rather than a life partner. If he gets involved with a woman who likes being a mother more than being a partner, the two of them will click together in a perfect fit. Funnily enough, couples like that will tell you how lucky they are to have found each other, since they are so perfectly matched. Unfortunately they do not realize that they have found the perfect partner for their egos, not for their true personalities. There is no chance of a true partnership under those conditions, since egoists only seek satisfaction for themselves and are unable to have a true relationship with another.

Without spiritual growth, an interpersonal relationship is loveless and dead. It consists only of routine and habit. A partnership based on egoistic motivation does not provide happiness, because life is eternal growing and becoming, but the ego refuses all transformation. Where the ego begins, the ability to have a meaningful relationship ends.

In the example quoted above, the mother is scared of losing the child if he were to grow up and lead his own life without her. And the man is scared of growing up, because he would lose the mother and would have to be responsible for his own life. As long as he does not take responsibility for his own life, he will not look for a partner but instead for a surrogate mother, and that is precisely what he will find. So, if you are looking for a partner but constantly end up meeting potential candidates that act like children, this may be a sign pointing towards false motivation on your part.

How others act towards us can give us information about –

 Who we are

 How we act

 What we truly want

 Where we are headed

We may not get on with those around us and we may decide to replace them, but that will not solve our problems. Our problems originate in our own consciousness – they are difficulties we have within ourselves.

We seldom have problems with others – most of our problems are with ourselves!

Our difficulties, inadequacies, negative traits and thoughts manifest themselves in our relationships. A change in outer circumstance will achieve little where there has been no transformation in the person’s consciousness. Most of us believe that we can solve our problems by changing our partner, our job or where we live. But if we do not learn the required lessons, then there will be no true transformation. All we have done is changed the actors, but the script remains the same.

Wherever fear brings people together and rules their relationships, neither love nor life can flourish.

Many people become lawyers because they have a deep sense of justice. Maybe this is because they feel that they have not been treated justly themselves. Others become bankers to fulfil their dreams of wealth and fortune. People who feel unnoticed, misjudged or unloved are obsessed with becoming famous and successful, so that finally they will be valued and loved. We often subconsciously try to replace that which does not work with something else, without researching the root cause. But what we really need to do is tackle our problems where they originate, namely, within ourselves!

If you speak out courageously and honestly and tell others how they appear to you, you will grow ever more successful and happy.

If you do not accept and deal with your problems but instead choose to ignore them, push them aside, deny them or cover them up, you will carry them with you wherever you go.