Читать книгу A Brand New Me: The hilarious romantic comedy about one year of first dates - Shari Low - Страница 15

Goldie Gilmartin closed off the interview with Jeremy Sinclair, the MP for Cornwall and Devon, a rather rotund, flush-faced human personification of a walrus who was making a public apology to his wife after being caught by a Sunday tabloid snorting cocaine from an intimate part of his twenty-one-year-old girlfriend’s anatomy.

‘So, just to re-emphasise one point, Goldie,’ said the walrus, in a weary yet pompous monotone. ‘I sincerely apologise to my party, my constituents, my mother, and all those who have placed their confidence in me over the years. But, most of all, I’d like to apologise to my wife, whom I love very much and who has pledged to stand by me for better or worse.’

Goldie reached over and shook his hand.

‘I wish you well, Jeremy,’ she said sincerely, ‘and good luck to your lovely wife Leticia.’

Jeremy nodded gravely. The shot closed in on Goldie as she spoke directly to camera, an undeniably cheeky twinkle in her eye. ‘And don’t forget, the other party in this affair, Araminta Delouche, will be with us tomorrow morning to give her version of events. But first…’

The camera panned out again, this time a little too quickly, and the audience got a full view of Zara, standing to the side of the set, waiting to take Jeremy’s chair, but not succeeding because he was frozen to the spot with a horrified expression on his face, astounded that his young bit of fluff had secured airspace on the country’s primetime morning show.

The unmistakable image of a researcher dragging him from the set would have the nation talking for the rest of the day.

As always, Zara ran through her weekly predictions, forecasting love, joy, excitement, doom, gloom and disaster for the various signs.

‘Thank you, Zara. And thanks too for that accident warning for all us Taureans–I think I’ll make sure I stay at home this weekend,’ she said with her trademark grin. ‘Now, you wanted to make another announcement about your forthcoming book.’

‘That’s right, Goldie. As I’ve mentioned before, all you single girls out there have something to look forward to at the end of the year, because I’m working on a top-secret book that will revolutionise relationships forever. Brace yourselves, girls!’ she added, giggling conspiratorially.

‘But in the meantime, I need some men…’

‘Don’t we all, Zara, don’t we all,’ Goldie joked.

‘I need you single men to write in, tell me all about yourselves and take part in this revolutionary research. Or of course you can log on to my website at www.itsinthestars.net, Britain’s most popular website featuring a full range of Zara Delta merchandise.

‘Now, we’re especially looking for Scorpios this week, and as I’ve said before, all expenses will be paid and you just might have the best night of your life. So, mums, sisters, aunties, grannies and all you bachelors out there, get writing…and don’t forget to enclose your birth date and a photograph.’

While Zara paused for breath, Goldie swept in to wrap the slot up.

‘And that’s all we have time for. Stay tuned for Wacky Women, who’ll be discussing the male contraceptive pill in a show entitled, “Would You Really Trust Your Reproductive Health to a Species Who Can’t Remember What Day the Bins Go Out?”’