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CHAPTER 2- DAY 1: HOW TO GET TO KNOW YOUR PARTNERS SEXUAL DESIRES

Sexual desire is a mysterious, fickle, frustrating, exhilarating piece of the human experience. Sexual desire can come and go like the ebb and flows of ocean tides. It has as much to do with psychology as anatomy. And what turns you on one day might do nothing for you the next. There is nothing more harmoniously pleasing than when your partner understands, anticipates and meets your sexual needs. Likewise, it can be incredibly frustrating when they don't, like two gears spinning in opposite cycles rather than in unison.

At some point sexual partners want to better understand the desires that drive their partner. This should not be viewed as a problem in a relationship. Rather it can be a fun exploration that can draw partners closer. Some things will work, others will be a bust. But as long as you treat the quest as an adventure to do as a couple with humor, patience, open-mindedness and love, it will lead to a stronger and more fulfilling sex life for both of you.

So here are the tips. Happy explorations!

Observe

When you touch your partner, kiss your partner, caress your partner - watch him for signs of pleasure; moans, relaxation, hardening, quickening. See what it does to slow down a rhythm or speed up. Watch for his reaction when you raise your hips, tighten or spread your legs, scratch his back or buttocks.

Talk

Talking about sexual desires can be difficult for many people. It's not a topic for polite conversation at the dinner table. But bed talk can be incredibly sexy. If this is hard for you, remember that if you want your partner to clue you in to his desires, have him take his cue from you. Be open about what you enjoy and what you don't. Just remember to be kind and express yourself in such a way as to build your lovers confidence while providing constructive feedback. This is love-making after-all, not a science experiment or business performance review. Ask your partner what they like, what they want to try. Try explicitly stating what you want to do to them and see if that is a turn on. And if not, stick with the moans and gasps as cues for what works well.

Watch

Ask your partner to do to themselves (if possible) what they would like you to do and watch. Be open to watching porn or at least some R-rated movies together. Just understand that visual turn-ons are a funny thing. Sometimes you are turned on by watching something you have no desire to do yourself. The voyeurism of the explicit sexuality is enough.

Try

Be willing to try new things. Sometimes this might mean new positions or types of sexual acts. Other times it might involve new places or new props or role-playing or people. Approach this with a sense of fun, just as you did as a child learning new games. Sexual desires are often piqued by trying new things and going to the edge of your comfort zone. What is often the most desirable is the forbidden. So don't be afraid to try some things that previously seemed naughty.

Retreat

If your partner is not comfortable with your attempts at exploration and understanding his desires, then it is OK to take a break and go back to previous comfort levels. It is also perfectly OK for you to set limits as to what you are willing to try or do. It is OK to say no. And there are some boundaries that should never be crossed. Do not take part of any sexual encounter where a participant is unable to fully, as an adult and without any inappropriate pressure, consent.

Variety

Many times sexual encounters are like a good song. It has an intro, repeating choruses, slower stanzas, rocking finales. The best songs change the tempo throughout the song - slow, faster, faster, slower, faster, faster, finale. Change the tempo of your lovemaking. Also, just as most people's musical tastes cover a variety of genres - rock, rap, classical - your sexual desires seek variety too. Sometimes you want the quickie - the passionate "I must have you right here right now or I will die" encounter. Other times it is the lazy, sweet and slow covering every inch of your body with kisses type of love-making you desire. Also, understand that sexual desires can change overtime. What turns us on easily at 16 years old might not do much for us at 46 years old.

Intimacy

Sexual desire is a mental thing as much as physical. True intimacy is much more than just sex, but can complement sex. Share your past. Be vulnerable and trust your partner. Create the sexy allure in all you do - not just in the bedroom. Appreciate the less sexual contact - the cuddles, hugs, hand-holds.

Passion

This should be fun and something that you enjoy. Show your partner that passion. He will feed off your attitude, your sexual appetite. If you show him he is the sexiest most desirable man in the world to you, he will feel like the sexiest man in the world. Knowing your partner desperately wants you is a major aphrodisiac.

Understand

When it comes to sexual desires, it's not always about you. Hormones, stress, medicines, illnesses, and brain trauma - they all affect our libidos. Our upbringings and cultural context have a huge effect on our sexual desires as well. Sometimes the strangest things will turn you on, filling you with shocking disgust. Not everything that is a sexual desire needs to be acted on or accepted. Sexual desire has a certain animalistic quality, whether coming from a desire to procreate or not. It is not always something we can control.

Patience

Take your time and enjoy the process of getting to know your partner's desires. Take a break if needed - absence makes the heart, (and other parts) grow fonder. Desires are a mysterious thing. They won't be fully understood overnight and they change. But they sure are fun to explore!