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CHAPTER 6

Mum Guilt!

Zachary: ‘Mummy …’

Me: ‘Yes, Zach?’

Zachary: ‘Can we please live in a tent?’

Me (spluttering on my bottle of water): ‘Erm, why do you ask?’

Zachary: ‘Because then you won’t have to work and you can stay at home all day with us. We don’t need new toys, we just need a tent so you can be with us.’

Bam! Mum Guilt, right there. It’s inescapable and, it seems to me, inherent in any parent. Even if my rational mind knows we’re better off with me working and building a future for them, I fold when one of my children says something like that. Within seconds I’m hastily reviewing all of my career choices and wondering if we could live in a tent – which, by the way, would be a disaster. Sorry, Zachary, but no. They’d soon regret it when it came to Christmas in the tent, and me having to say, ‘Guys, no toys this year, but that’s what you wanted.’ Can you imagine their reaction?

I overthink everything when it comes to being a mummy. A prime example is at breakfast time. Most days the boys beg me to make dippy eggs. I have to leave for the Loose Women studio by 6.45 a.m. so I usually fob them off with a bowl of Weetabix before I run out of the door. Do I feel guilty? Hell, yeah. Do I also provide them with a strong female role model, a working mum supporting her family? Hell, yeah, to that too. But the doubts never go away.

Should I get up earlier to make dippy eggs each morning? No, I’d get tired, do my job badly, upset producers, shout at my kids, then not be able to pay the mortgage, but my head will still tell me I’m not a great mummy because I make the choices I make.

Some nights when the boys were younger, they’d both be asleep next to me in my bed, one on either side, while I worked on my laptop. Some people say that co-sleeping is bad as it makes children dependent, but others say it makes them feel loved and secure.

For us, it was a natural solution to make bedtimes easier when Zach and Leighton were younger. We all loved snuggling up together, and who’s to say that was wrong? But I still doubted my decision: should I make them sleep in their own beds? I wondered. Have I messed them up mentally by letting them sleep with me? Loads of psychology books and the parenting advice you can read online strongly suggest that sleeping in the same bed with your children can be detrimental to their development. Well, not only do the boys and I thoroughly enjoy sleepovers in my bed, but at 3 a.m. when Leighton climbs out of his bunk bed to go for his early-morning pee, I’m not up for a debate as to where he then chooses to sleep. In with Mummy he comes. And my head still says: Should I force him to stay in his own bed?

The nagging goes on and on.

I don’t do anything because a book or blog tells me to do it. I do it because it works for me. As long as I keep asking myself, Are they happy and healthy? I know, deep down, that things will be okay, that everything else is just fluff.

There is so much opinion out there. It’s virtually impossible to escape other people’s views, especially with so much online venting and so much advice readily available. It’s becoming more and more difficult to decide how to parent as guilt is only a click away. I admit that when Zach asked me to give up work and live in a tent, I had a little sob. I explained to him that Mummy had to work to pay the bills and ensure we had a nice home. (Now we live with Joe, but I cover half of everything.) I made sure I let him know I love my work: I don’t just do it for the money, it’s also about my happiness as a mum. I want him to know he should never feel guilty for following his dreams and pursuing whichever career he will choose.

My children are at the heart of everything I do, and are better off with a happy, successful mummy as a role model. I get time off between jobs and throw myself into playing with my boys, but I also have days when I come home and I’ve got no energy left for them. That’s okay too. Whether you’re a stay-at-home or a working parent, what matters is that the situation is right for you and your family. No one else can make such an important decision for you.