Читать книгу Sorry, But Has There Been a Coup: and other great unanswered questions of the Cameron era - Steve Lowe - Страница 5

Why can’t the Tories agree on whether Britain is fucked and broken or not?

David declared that some pockets of Britain are well and truly fucked – really, really awful places that he does not like at all.

But then Boris said, ‘No, Britain is not fucked, and it is insulting to our great nation to say it is.’ Britain makes Boris happy.

But then Iain Duncan Smith retorted, ‘No Boris, I think you will find that it is fucked. I would encourage you to go and see some of the fucked areas for yourself, like I have. Honestly, it is fucked. I’ve got a photo somewhere….’

So is it ruined here or not? The nation needs to know. Should they not have worked it out in private first? Some Tory strategists refer to the existence of four – yes, four (count them) – ‘brokens’: broken society, broken politics, broken economy, and the other one… it’ll come to me.

Yes, it’s like a Hogarth engraving out there: sweary mums pumping out kids by different drunk dads; a world where you can’t even pop out for a bottle of White Lightning without getting stabbed a couple of times.

Don’t stay in, though, because that’s where the burglars will come. You almost have to wonder why they would even want to govern such a shithole.

Incidentally, IDS has been called the Tories’ missionary. He and his team are active Christians, doing God’s work and Tory work, combined. He wanders off into the wilds and reports back to old ladies in church halls about the savagery he has endured: ‘You wouldn’t believe some of the things I’ve seen. Like Scotland, for example.’

Apparently he tells the feral populace not to eat each other – even if their Giro hasn’t come through. And to only ever ‘do it’ with the man on top. No wheelbarrows, please! That’s him.

What was the fourth one? There were definitely four…. Or maybe there were only three. It doesn’t matter.