Читать книгу Bana Fine Irish Pizza - T. STRAHS - Страница 6

Adventures and misadventures with eccentric characters fill this quirky read about two formally conjoined twins making their way from Italy to Newark, a suburb of New York City, to find their fame and fortune.

No murders, no bodies, just a simple tale of two men’s journey to find themselves in a diverse Newark.

Guido and Luigi Banafasi were on their way to Pissaccotta, Italy, from Newark, New Jersey

Only two days into the trip, and they had enough. They were

 sick of vomiting from being seasick;

 sick from the constant noise of the rats running and leaving reminders;

 sick of the seldom working toilet and sink;

 sick of the toilet that when it did work, you could see the ocean as it dumped; and if the ship rolled during the flush, seawater would shoot in;

 sick from the tobacco smell of the room;

 sick of the body odor from the sheets and room from the first day;

 sick of the body odor from the crew;

 sick of the captain yelling and singing, even though he was two decks away; and

 sick of the water seeping in around the hull welds.

Once they tried to go up the broken staircase to see the captain. It was the same broken staircase from years ago. Now the steel railing was gone and a thin rope in its place—not much to grab onto! Halfway up on the stairs, the ship took a nosedive and sent them screaming back to their small room.

The journey back, their first since leaving years ago, was emotionally mixed. Years ago, on the ship The New Sole, they came to the USA to find their fortunes. Guido and Luigi had found success, wives, children, and friends.

The twins, once conjoined, were now dying of a rare disease that affects once conjoined twins born in Italy and believed to be in areas where swine are raised and butchered.

Luigi was a hair taller than Guido. The midwife said since he was born four minutes after Guido, he had more time to “cure” in the womb. Luigi listed to the left and Guido to the right due to their once being conjoined. Both topped off around five feet five inches. Luigi parted his hair on the left and Guido on the right; other than that, no physical differences between the twins. Educationally, yes!

Their journey back, they boarded a small freighter, The New Sole 2, same one that brought them to the US and now owned by the grandson of the original captain.

The New Sole 2 was the same one as the original, supposedly updated, and many of the leaking welds redone.

Although the ship was scheduled for repo and demolition a long time ago, the crew would find ways to avoid any port that may have a spy for the creditors. The ship was a small ocean freighter that could take on a few low-paying passengers and one large room for the upper lower class.

The grandson, Cap3, bought it from the current owners, who planned on scrapping it. He paid 90 percent of the purchase with money he made from selling pig back shoes and hats with pig ears to the tourists coming into the port of Pissaccotta. He paid the last 10 percent from a back street “investor” who only charged 38 percent interest, the only one who would lend him money!

Cap2 (Cap3’s father) was arrested for smuggling, and the ship was confiscated as the original owner never made any payments, nor did Cap1. The smuggling rap was a setup by a competing shipper, also at the port of Pissaccotta. She was jealous of New Sole’s quick turnarounds and profits. Cap2 tried paying off the police, only to find out later that the snitch-competing captain paid more.

Cap2 tried to take the ship quickly out of port when the constables from a nearby “spa” came looking for him for not paying his last four visits with his favorite three hostesses—Trixian, Dixian, and Melvin.

Cap3 found it sitting near the scrapyard, and with a few weaving sailors from the nearby bar, fired up the rusted, soot caked boilers that sent massive amounts of smoke, sparks and interesting particles to mark their exit from the port.

On his next trip to New York proved to be marginally profitable and decided on one more trip.

Barely able to make it back to Italy, he loaded up again with the special cargo for Chinatown and Canal Street in NYC, only to be caught when one of the crew members was too scared to cross the ocean and sabotaged a few of the pressure gauges, making sure that they would never have enough pressure for propulsion, causing the ship to stop and unfortunately wait for the port police to take it, tow it to the scrapyard, and arrest the crew.

While in jail waiting for his freedom, Cap3 knew the judge from the spa. They discussed his “get out of jail’ card that included a 5 percent fee on all cargo sold in the USA.

Cap3 got his “get out of town” directions from his dad—found a trustworthy, although senile, drugged, or drunk was the norm—and following his dad’s directions, off they went. He renamed the ship New Sole 2 to attempt to fool the collectors.

Cap3 painted the ship at night to minimize anyone noticing and to attract more paying passengers and convince shippers that it was a safe ship to continue to transport their special cargoes to Canal Street and Chinatown in New York City. The new paint also keeps the police away as they felt the ship’s new owner was on a new course in legal cargos, as long as he kept the “keep away” payments coming.

While in the New York harbor, Luigi and Guido found out about The New Sole 2 when their general manager, Demetriux, saw it in the Port of New York Harbor when he went to check on their shipment of semifresh ingredients from Pissaccotta, Italy. He had heard the story way too many times about their journey from Italy and recognized the ship.

He called the twins immediately and told them he went to see if they had any relationship to The New Sole, which brought them to the US. He found that it was owned by the grandson of the captain of the original New Sole, Captain Haroold Ricaro.

Demetriux went to the ship’s gangplank and introduced himself as the representative of Bana Fine Irish Pizza and Brew, a chain of profitable restorantes.

Cap3 had heard the story of the two “interesting” twins who spoke an interesting dialect of “Italish.” He also heard of their US successes from some the crew who went to work there cleaning tables before coming back to The New Sole 2. They did this to avoid paying the local landlord, who had zero sense of humor, as well as their spa bills.

Cap3, being a less than astute businessman, actually realized an opportunity for him to make a few dollars. He didn’t have any return cargo and was anxious to leave port to get back to Italy to load up again with profitable goods to be sold on Canal Steet in New York.

He told Demetriux that he would rent his prime big cabin space to Luigi and Guido for a fair price to allow them to go back to the port they left many years then, under the safe navigation and comfort of his grandfather.

Cap3 described the fine ammenities to Demetriux, who had never been on water in his life, much less a small ocean freighter.

“This fine, safe, recently painted ocean-secure freighter has years and years of smooth sailings virtually around the world as I know it.”

Cap3 continued to list the many fine things that the twins would enjoy being back on The New Sole 2. “Upgraded food service—no longer cooked with heat from the boilers by one of the coal shovelers. We now have a chef that was trained at the ‘all u can shovel in’ Chinese buffet and laundry. Next, I had the large room painted, although there are still a few stains on the wall. There are now two deck chairs available—a 100 percent improvement of their original cruise. Replaced the toilet seat in the large room. Remind them no paper in this toilet please. We are proud of our weather reporting from one of my crew that took an online course.”

“Now, Demex, you can’t tell me that this don’t sound like the only way to get back to the old country?”

“Anyone can get on a plane and be tossed around for the whole trip.”

Cap3 went for the “close.” “Okay, Demexy, my boy, let’s give them a call and have them send me the deposit to hold this fine cruise. I leave in twenty-four hours, and I don’t wanna have them miss this cabin as I have others waiting.”

When Guido and Luigi heard from Demetriux about the Lost Sole2, they talked about going back to their roots.

They only left their original restaurant once in all the years being in the Kennington Court area, and that was to a pizza/brewer’s convention in North Carolina. They dreaded anything that had a potential to sway, rock, dip, slide, buck, creak, and leak.

Yet since diagnosed by their Italy-trained medic, they felt that they should go back, and if they don’t survive, then they should be buried back in the family plot at the local church.

The decision was made, and they would book The New Sole 2 in the updated larger cabin and hoped for a smooth journey. It just couldn’t be a rough as the unmemorable trip to the US many years ago, or could it?

Some things just never change; Cap3 looked like his grandfather and father: short legs, long torso that clearly demonstrated that he, like his dad, enjoyed a good meal based on quantity versus quality. Rotund neck with a head that looked like a cauliflower, and eyes that you wanted to put your thumbs on and push them in further. One eye roved around, and the other seldom moved in its narrow cave. It reminded them of a chameleon.

Hair, not sure of the true color, with the few strands left, a very dark brown that did not match his black/gray beard! Eyebrows were dyed blonde.

Demetriux never went beyond the top of the gangway before talking to the twins on their flip phone, modified with two earplugs. They called back and were asked if they wished to book the upscale large room that was described to Demetriux by Cap3.

They took a cab from their apartment still above the original restorante, arriving at the Port of New York–Newark with minutes to spare.

Cap3 was anxiously pacing the rusty deck covered with new paint that looked good, if no-one looked closely. He simply told his crew to throw paint on and spread it around. Using paint that “fell” out of boxes of freight, they mixed them all together and came up with a bright green. Cap3 was pleased as it looked close to the color of the mold and past vomit stains.

Luigi and Guido were on their way back

Cap3 saw the cab pull up to the gate and soon passed through. It looked like a little money was passed to the guard to expediate their entry. “Maybe these twins aren’t as stupid as my dad made them out to be. Could be opportunities to take some extra cash.”

As they came up the gangway, Cap3 yelled to them, “Well, welcome home to your ship that brought you fame and fortune in Newark. Hurry on up here, and we’ll get underway. No use just sitting around any longer. Come on up to the refurbished captain’s cabin, and we’ll have a sip of prosecco while the boys get us underway.”

In reality, Cap3 was anxious to get beyond the seven-mile limit and away from too many curious eyes. He also didn’t want Luigi and Guido to wander around the ship and change their minds.

One of Cap3’s crewmen, who looked like Bogart from The African Queen, took their six bags down to their cabin. He was introduced by Cap3 as their cabin man who would be at their call up to two hours a day. The other hours, he would be oiling the engine and cleaning the captain’s cabin.

The crewman, introduced as McGurne, who grinned at them with a full set of perfect white teeth, only to find out later that he took them from a box of teeth they were shipping to Chinatown in New York.

As they rapidly left the port, leaving plumes of black smoke as their marker, the twins were entertained in the wheelhouse refurbished to include a 1989 Garmin GPS and newer captain’s seat.

They were not overly impressed with Cap3. As soon as he left the port, he was definitely like his grandfather: he poured himself a water glass full of clear liquid from a jar that looked just like their freshly stilled Bana Fine Liquor without the label. Clearly Demetriux had been, most likely, bribing Cap3 for a better price for the twins’ journey.

Once outside of the point of no return to the port, Cap3 told McGurne to show his honored guests to their “renovated” large room.

McGurne lead them down through the next level past the captain’s ornate cabin and small VIP cabin used for special travel companions of the captain down the next set of rusted stairs, familiar, yet more rusted, to the next level to the “renovated” large room.

It was hard not to notice that the same sounds from thirty years ago where still there—the scratching sound behind the walls, creaking of the walls sounding like a hailstorm, puddles of water with the same drip location as before.

When McGurne opened the lockless door, both Luigi and Guido flinched; not only was it very familiar with the only change that there were only four bunk beds.

McGurne was proud of the work he did to upgrade this cabin and showed them around, taking one minute to point out the refurbished toilet seat, two faucets on the stained sink versus the only one before, keeping in mind that only the cold worked.

There were still no windows, but McGurne was proud of his painting—one with blue sky and brownish curtains. The painting looked as if it was done by paint by numbers by someone who was blind.

The bunkbeds were complete with sagging mattress and stained sheets. There was no closet but a six-foot moldy bench taking a good portion of the cabin to lay their clothes out. McGurne said the good news was that Cap3 had not booked the other two beds.

No, nothing had really changed. It was the same rusty broken stairs, peeling paint on the walls, smell of rotten food and oil, and the most prominent of all was body odor. The seams still had rust marks on them.

Guido and Luigi decided to go see Cap3 and tell him that they wanted off and take one of the ships that they saw over on the other side of the Hudson. There was one named Queen-something and that looked like a great ship compared to this. Up they weaved to the captain, still sitting with his bottle, almost gone.

“Well, boys, you come up to tell me how great your renovated room is and what great memories it brought back?”

Luigi spoke first, “No, Cap3, we are nota the shy young men your granddaddy brought us over on. We wanna off so we can take a bigger boat that is clean!”

“Well, boys, it’s too late now. The ship has left the port, and there ain’t no turning back.”

“Tell ya what, I have two bottles of this good-tasting liquor that I got from Demexy, your lackey, you sent to get a deal on the large room.”

“Well, it ain’t gonna work. We ain’t turning back, and I got no way to get you back. We’re approaching the seven-mile line, and it looks like a storm a-brewing.”

Luigi and Guido looked out the window and turned pale in the shock of remembrance when they saw the storm coming toward them and no other ships have left the port.

Cap3 looked at them and the clouds. “None to worry, boys, it’s only a quick storm, and we’ll just push right through it and have you back in Italy in a short while. Go back to your suite. I have work to do to get us through this short little storm.”

Another wave hit The New Sole 2, tossing Luigi and Guido again against the wall of their windowless, cramped cabin. This time it was Luigi’s turn to use the small commode in the corner to let go of little was left in his stomach.

Just when they thought the “brief” storm had ended, a wave—larger than the next—slammed into side of the rusting ship, causing paint chips to scatter off the walls and again surround the twins, catching in their eyes, ears, and mouth. More to vomit up. The rats in the walls were also cowering in the corners, climbing over one another to get to the “safe spot” on the top of the pack.

The twins were standing next to each other, as usual, and as green as the algae on the walls and passageways.

Their two “roommates” from the eight-bunk room across the hall joined them when the bulkhead next to their bunks sprang a solid stream of water.

They were the same green as Luigi and Guido. The only toilet in their room was cracked and full of four-day old olive laced port food, simply unusable. They all took turns using the crew’s toilet that wasn’t much better, only that it had a flap that opened to the outside the ship—no water, just seawater backwash.

The rusted-out ship was the perfect carrier as the only attention they got was when crews of the other ships, as they left port, laughed at him and the ship. Cap3 was happy: he had a ship, not a good one, but a ship. He not only allowed drinking by the crew but encouraged it so they wouldn’t leave.

When they were leaving port, Cap3 told them the storm would only last four to five hours before it slowed down and they could make good headway. They were now on day 4. The storm started as they quickly left the port and headed for open sea.

After day 5, the twins decided to go and talk to the captain and find out when they could stop puking.

They weaved their way, unsure of the route as the walls changed color and one of the ladders fell since they were led down by McGurne, or maybe it was simply nausea and dehydration.

The walls were damp and slippery green. They wobbled—a carryover when they were conjoined at their toes—Luigi to the left and Guido to the right—up the rusted stairs and oily railing to what they thought would be the pilot house.

They found a door that said, “Private. No Visitors. Wheelhouse authorized only.” Luigi and Guido took this mean it was where the captain is.

They reached the inside doorway to the bridge, and as they approached the captain, he was laughing and yelling at the ocean as he took long drinks from his bottle, just like his grandfather.

Luigi spoke first, “Capt. Thirda, we very scared about the storm outsida. When you drive us to a smooth water like you promised?” Their English, after all these years, was improved!

He stated laughing loud and yelling, “I told you goombahs that this would not be an easy trip. I take shortcuts to save fuel. Get back to your box and stay there until I say it’s okay to come on deck. If you don’t, I will send you up the mast to watch for whales and icebergs,” sounding the same as his grandfather did years ago!

“Get your Italian asses out of here, and hold on when you get back to your windowless cabin. There’s more to come!”

Two days later, the sea was finally calm. Luigi and Guido spoke to each other. “Do you think we can go up and talk to Cap3 about some food and how much longer?” asked Guido.

“I donno. I have had nightmares about this same trip all those years ago. It explaina why we haven’t traveled much, only to the pizza and beer convention in North Carolina.”

“I think we should give it a try.”

Again, weaving/wobbling, they went up the rusted staircase, now soaked with seawater. They approached the wheelhouse, knocking lightly to carefully alert Cap3 and possibly avoid another drunken tirade.

From inside the wheelhouse, the booming voice, resonated with authority—one that they hadn’t heard before—invited them in.

“Cap3,” meekly stated Luigi, “we hava little questions about this trip. Would it be okay to ask?”

“Yes, my fine passengers, no problem. I welcome your interest in this fine ocean-going ship,” Cap3 stated with clear eyes. He was drinking a cup of what smelled like fresh coffee.

He continued, “Have you had breakfast and coffee yet? If not, I’ll ask McGurne to bring you some breakfast sandwiches and coffee. Please make yourself at home on this fine sailing day.”

Guido, not sure of what was going on, asked, “Cap3, are you okay? Luigi and me see a big difference in you since yua kicked us out.”

Cap3, looked at them straight on. “Well, guys, the truth is, I am petrified of bad weather, always afraid that the ship will break up. I also get seriously seasick, and the only way to settle my stomach is with gut bad liquor, your man, Demtria something gave me a few bottles of this piss-poor stuff that worked well. So now I am as sober as a day-old baby. Why don’t we sit down, and you can tell me all about yourselves. My grandad told stories of The New Sole and the journey of his most interesting passengers, you two. We still have four more days, so let it out, boys. I love a good story.”

Luigi started, “We actually met some college kidas who gave us our first idea on coming to the US.”

Guido continued, “It’s a long story, and we’ll both tell sections of it.”

“If you don’t mind, we tell it from a narrative, that’s what we was told to do, ifa asked.”

Guido started, “I start tellin’ you about our papa, adoptive dad.”