Читать книгу Antakarana. Quest in Reality - Татьяна Шуклина - Страница 11

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More than two hours pass, but still no one speaks a word. Everyone copes with the shock in his own way. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I feel uneasy at the mere thought of looking out the window. About an hour after take-off, we were offered lunch, but I did not even touch the exotic dishes.

It always seemed to me that, having gone through such a shock and suddenly being safe, I would feel a euphoria, similar to the one I experience when waking up from a nightmare. But instead, I am filled with a terrible emptiness, unbearable sadness and incomprehensible longing.

To distract myself, I reflect on the words of Maestro. What can unite us all? Have we met somewhere before? I had a chance to visit abroad twice: in Spain for climbing the Pyrenees mountains and in India at the tourist resort of Goa. None of the players present seems to me even close to familiar.

We’ve definitely never seen each other until today. We are absolutely strangers, people who were not only not united by the plane crash, but also distanced from each other as much as possible.

One innermost desire, said the Maestro. What could it be in my case? For what am I ready to make such sacrifices as, for example, to experience this impromptu disaster? I have always considered myself to be quite a happy person. I have wonderful parents and a small but loyal circle of friends. I was lucky to do what I love and do not have to complain about health problems. A list of things to do before you die? Like all people on earth, I have a list with rather generalized phrases like «swim with dolphins», «conquer the Mont Blanc», «jump upside down from a bungee in Sochi Olympic Park» and other nonsense. But can I call anything from this list my innermost desire? Definitely not! Love, family and children? I never thought about it seriously. Now my heart is free, and it suits me perfectly. I love the feeling of absolute independence. Moreover, I am convinced that all this will happen in due time and without the help of some powerful Corporation. Another open question. I have no idea about a response.

The words of Maestro do not go out of my head: «Better stick together to the last,» said the elder. How will I interact with all these people? I’ve always had a hard time pairing quests, not to mention team games. I can find a common language with almost everyone, but it gives me discomfort to discuss and explain my decisions to someone else. Continuous questions and not a single even approximate answer!

Realizing that, despite the long tiring flight from Russia to China, I will not be able to sleep, I open my eyes.

«Alex, are you awake?» I ask in a whisper.

«No, I’m sitting and waiting for you to ask me if I’m sleeping,» he jokes. But the expression on his face is not at all like that self-confident cheerful grimace, which so angers and pleases me at the same time. «Lavina… sorry to my laughing at your fear of airplanes. It seems that from now on I am also afraid. It must be contagious. My own fault, I should have washed my hands in time,» Alex tries to cheer me up in his own peculiar manner.

«You’re pale, are you all right?»

«Yes, it’s from the awful look of the dinner. What is this muck? They didn’t manage to smash us to the ground, and that’s why they decided to poison us?»

«Alex… I always thought that the expression „life flies before your eyes“ is a myth. What did you seen in the last seconds of our lives?» I ask strangled, unable to drive away the obsessive memories.

«I haven’t seen anything like this, because I don’t have your violent imagination. I remember only one thought constantly spinning in my head: what a fool I was that I did not know how to appreciate life. That’s all. No faces, no memories, no sound thoughts. Only: what a fool I was, how blind I was. Probably, I should be grateful to the organizers for opening my eyes.»

«And are you grateful?»

Alex laughs joylessly:

«I’d hold each of them while the athlete polishes their smug faces. Tell me better about your visions.»

«It’s rather strange,» I say thoughtfully, «I saw brightly and distinctly moments from life, people’s faces and some places from the past. For a split second, I experienced the same emotions as during that period of time. Some events are clear-cut, and some have completely faded from memory. The last memory was my older sister. She died tragically 20 years ago in a terrible car accident.»

As soon as I say it out loud, I suddenly understand the reason for my sadness. No matter how successful and happy our life is, we will never be able to drive out ghosts from the past, survive the tragedies that have happened and heal the wounds inflicted. One way or another, they overtake us at the most unexpected moment and, when all bad things seem to be left behind forever, they fall down with a heavy and devastating load.

Suddenly a thought comes to my mind. What if each of us has experienced a terrible loss in the past and now leads his ordinary life trying not to look back, because there is only pain and emptiness? At least this is some kind of clue! I make the first note in my notebook: «Common: past tragic losses?»

«What are you writing there?» Alex cranks his neck curiously.

«Plan how to seize a million dollars.»